Pitter, patter, pitter, patter. 

I gazed out of my bedroom window, listening to the sound of the rain hitting the roof. One of the better things about living on the outskirts of Seoul; the city sounds don’t block out nature. I pushed the window open halfway and closed my eyes, drowning all of it in; the fresh smell, the sounds.

Pitter, patter, pitter, patter.

It was mid-July and although it was summer, it was a bit chilly. I pulled my sweater tighter around my body and hugged my knees closer. I’ve always loved the rain. It was calming and relaxing, and lately I felt the same way the sky does, like crying. I laid my head on my knees. It was also raining that day…

It was unusual for it to rain during winter, but that didn’t mean it never happened. It was downright pouring and to top it off, the temperature was most likely below zero. People rushed on their feet with their umbrellas, trying to get to their destination without getting soaked, resulting in unintentional shoving and pushing in all directions.

“Great, just great. The one day I forget to bring my umbrella, it’s pouring!”

I was running, or at least trying to, as I was already 30 minutes late to my recently acquired part-time job at the local art gallery, and I still have to commute. I’ve only been there for six months. “The manager’s gonna KILL me!”

Luck just seemed run out one me as someone shoved me to the side, straight into a puddle. I was almost ready to explode in anger and frustration when I realized I couldn’t feel any more raindrops. I looked up and saw a pink umbrella. That wasn’t there before… A hand reached towards me. “Kwenchanayo?”

He had one of the handsomest faces I’ve ever come across. Sharp eyes, defined jaw, as perfect as it can be. I was breathless. “Y-yes.” I managed to reply. It took a moment for me to notice I replied in English. “Kwenchanayo!” I said louder than I meant to, correcting myself.

The guy chuckled. “It’s okay, I understand,” he replied, in English no less. I blushed, having embarrassed myself in front of a total stranger. “Sorry about that. Someone was pushing me from behind, trying to get to the bus probably.” He continued talking in English, taking one of my hands and pulling me to my feet.

“It’s okay.” I turned even more red noticing him looking me up and down. “You’re soaked from head to toe…”

I finally snapped out of my daze and looked down. My knee had a few scratches showing and my jeans were torn, probably from the fall. My whole left side was also covered in mud.

The realization hit me hard, and I inwardly groaned. “This is great! I left my keys at home, and Eun Mi won’t be home until after nine…”

“Jay!”

Jay…?I turned around and saw someone tall and strangely familiar. He came over and greeted the unknown guy, looking to be close buddies. The name came to me.

“Taec..?”

He finally saw me. “Hey!” I smiled slightly as I saw recognition flicker in his eyes. He was about to pull me into his arms for a friendly hug when he saw that I was covered in mud. “What happened?”

“Someone shoved into me on the street and I accidentally pushed her into the puddle.” I just realized how his voice really sounded. Clear, a bit but not too rough…attractive.

“Oh... why don’t you come to my dorm? I can lend you some clothes,” he said in a cheerful voice though everything was but. I contemplated for a while. By the time I get there, my shift’s probably going to end anyway. I nodded and we started heading towards his dorm.

The water was starting to seep in through my jeans, making my legs a bit numb. I lost feeling in my hands from the cold, other than feeling someone pulling me along. Someone who was not Taecyeon.

***

Taec’s dorm was at the JYP Entertainment building, as he was a trainee there. I never really noticed how big the actual place was. Apparently the two of them shared the dorm because he followed us in and made himself comfortable on the couch after drying off the umbrella.

The space was sufficient for two people, with one bedroom containing a bunk bed, a living room, a regular sized kitchen and washroom. On the night table next to the couch, there were a few photos; of Taec and his roommate, the two of them with a bunch of guys, and another of his roommate with someone who looked like his twin.

“Sorry, it’s so small. Here’s a towel for you to dry yourself off.”

I started at his voice, having not heard him come up behind me. I turned and took the dark green towel from his hand, uttering a quiet, “No, it’s nice. Thanks.”

“You were looking at the pictures?”

“Yeah…who are these people?”

“That’s my roommate, Jay, and I. The other one’s a picture of the guys we train with; Wooyoung, Junsu, Nichkun and Junho. The last one’s of Jay and Jokwon, one of our best buddies.”

“I see.” I nodded. “So this is what you do outside of University, huh? I bet you’ll be popular someday, with your rapping and dance skills,” I said with a smile directed towards him.

He shrugged sheepishly with a pink tint to his cheeks, scratching his head. “I hope so.. Actually, I should be going now. There’s something I need to take care of. That’s where I was headed before. Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah, your roommate seems nice. I’ll be fine.”

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow in class?”

“Of course.”

Taec headed out the door, and I continued to dry myself off. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jay walk into his room and come out immediately but with an outfit in his arms. “Dry yourself off and change into these.”

“T-thanks…” We continued conversing in English like before. For some reason whenever it was him I was talking to, I would start stuttering and could barely choke out a word. But I barely even know him.. gosh, I feel like such a girl.

I headed into the bathroom and closed the door. Looking outside the window, I realized the rain had stopped. It stops when I’m inside. How impeccable, the timing,I thought sarcastically.

The tiles felt like ice under my feet as I stripped myself of my clothes and changed into his warm and dry t-shirt and dark blue sweats. The t-shirt’s collar was a bit too wide, and so was the waistband of the pants. It was hanging loosely on my hips, and I tried to tie it tighter.

After attempting to wash the mud off my jeans, I squeezed the water out of my clothing and headed back into the living room. I placed it by the door so I wouldn’t forget it when I left.

Jay was in the kitchen, making hot chocolate from the smell of it. I sat on the couch with my knees tucked into my chest like how I always sit.  After a few minutes he came out holding two steaming mugs and handed me one. “Thanks,” I said as I cupped the mug with my hands. It was white with a big red heart in the middle. Underneath it, to the right were the words “Jay Park”. It looked to be a hand drawn design. “Nice mug,” I teased.

“My mom sent it. Don’t ask,” he laughed. I felt the couch dip slightly as he sat down beside me. Being the curious girl I was, I asked, “How’d you know English? You sound so fluent, like someone who’s known it their whole life.”

“I’m was born in Edmonds, Washington. Only came here about a year ago to train.”

“Oh, I see.”

“What about you? You don’t seem like you learnt your English from here either, seeing as how you answered in that rather than Korean,” he asked politely, though there was clearly amusement in his tone, referring to when I stuttered in Korean afterwards.

“I moved to New York when I was little and went to school there, but I had to move back to Korea ‘cause of my dad’s job. He’s a doctor.”

“Mmm…” He took a sip of his hot chocolate. “So how do you know Taec? I wasn’t aware he knew such a cute girl like you.” My cheeks felt a bit hot at that. Me? Cute?

“I go to the same university as him. We’re both taking business.”

His seemed surprised. “Dankook University?” I nodded.

“I go there too actually.”

This time I was the one surprised. Taec never told me about him, but then again, him and I aren’t in the same group of friends at school.

Things seemed to just go smoothly from there. We talked about our likes and dislikes, favourite movies, singers and played games all afternoon. Apparently, we have quite a bit of similarities. He was easygoing and fun to be around, and it wasn’t the least bit awkward between us.

Taecyeon came back sometime after we started played Halo 3 and he joined in. As a thank you, I cooked dinner which consisted of spicy chicken stew, kimchi and boiled pork. We ate, played games, watched T.V., and chatted some more. The time just flew by and before I knew it, it was ten.

“Oh, I should start heading home now. Eun Mi’s probably done her class already.” I stood up and started putting on my furry boots. Jay followed. “It’s late. I’ll walk you home.”

My face flushed several shades of red. “N-no, it’s fine! You already lent me your clothes and everything…” He handed me a thick jacket after putting on his. “Don’t worry about it. It’s dangerous.”

Taec watched us from the living room, looking from me, to Jay, back to me, as if suddenly realizing something. “Just go already!” Taec pushed us through the door with a knowing smirk. I followed his eyes, and saw what seemed like a bit of pink on Jay’s face as he glared at Taec. I wonder what that was all about…

The walk to my dorm was quite lengthy, even after walking through a bunch of short cuts and alleyways. When we finally got to the front door of the apartment, I turned and thanked him again.

“No problem, it was fun. I’ll see you again some time? After you all, you have my clothes..” A smirk started making its way across his face. I flushed. “Yeah.. I guess…”

“I should start heading home before it starts raining again. See you around, kay? Goodnight.” He gave me a smile then turned and started walking. I watched him until he turned the corner at the end of the block before pressing the ringer.

“Yeobeoseyo?”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Omo, it’s past ten-thirty already! Where have you been?!?!”

“I know I know, I left my keys at home…been at a friend's house.”

“Alright, alright.”

I opened the door after the tone, and went inside. That night was the first night of many that I dreamed of Jay.

 

 

My eyes fluttered open. It was pitch black outside now, the streetlamps and lights from the city standing out along with the moon. The rain continued to fall as if there was no end.  I must have dozed off… Rubbing my eyes, I looked at the clock on my bedside table. It was almost midnight.

I remembered that day so clearly; his voice, his warm hands, the smell of his shirt. The shirt that was currently hanging on the back of my door. The thought of it lifted the corners of my mouth into an almost smile. I walked over and took off my sweater. Shrugging on the shirt, I took a sniff. I could just make out his scent.

I shivered. Still feeling cold, I put the sweater back on over the shirt and headed downstairs to make cup of cocoa. Perfect for a chilly night. I poured it into the white mug with a heart then went upstairs and returned to my seat. After glancing at my bedroom floor, I remembered what I still had to do; my next art piece.

Covering almost every inch of my carpeted floor were drawings and sketches. As an artist, I made a living doing what I love; expressing myself in pictures and images. My next piece was supposedly due the start of next month yet all the drawings and sketches spread on the floor were of the same thing—the same person.

I glanced at the closest one out of the corner of my eye. It was a rough sketch of him giving that big smile. The smile that sent my heart beating. I sighed and looked out the window again. I miss you…

I grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. It was 2PM, on KJE’s chocolate. I sighed unconsciously, my arm slowing dropping to my seat. I let go of the remote and cupped my mug while pulling my legs up.

Jay should be there with them. He shouldn’t have left, I thought bitterly. It had been months since he returned to the U.S., months since I last saw him, felt his touch. And it had been two weeks since I last heard from him. We still called each other and stayed in touch, but it wasn't the same.

I took a sip of the cocoa and let out a steamy breath. “Ah..”

Noticing the window was still open widely, I pulled it close until there was just a crack to let fresh air in. I thought it was my own heartbeat I was listening to, but realized it was from the TV. Can you feel my heartbeat? 

How ironic the lyrics are.

It still feels like you’re next to me.

No it doesn’t. You’re too far away..

There’s no reason for you come back,

but why do i keep thinking that you might come back.

Why isn’t my heart listening

“…” The song started to drown out the sounds of the rain.

It still hurts thinking of you. I think of you every time my heart beats

Having had enough of the music, I shut the TV off. Before the screen went black, I caught a glimpse of Taec. I smiled, a real smile, however small it may be. I felt happy for him, that he really did become famous. But I couldn’t watch the rest of it anymore. I went back to day dreaming and staring out the window, until I heard my cell phone.

I had set the ringtone to “Nothing On You”; a cover, not the original. It was him. He had uploaded it four months ago, and I decided to download it then set it so I could hear his voice often. Setting my mug down on the wooden seat, I carefully walked to my bedside table to avoid stepping on the papers. My caller ID flashed. Speak of the devil.

“Yeoboseyo?”

“It’s me.”

I know.“Hey, what’s up? I just saw your performance on Chocolate.

“Oh, did you? What did you think?”

“It was great, Taec. You guys have really improved.” My voice sounded bland, even to myself.

“Aha..thanks.” A pause. “Are you still thinking about…?” Then there was silence. I didn’t know how to reply to that; the answer he wanted, or the truth.

“Hey?”

“Um, no. Not really. I’m fine.” I could swear that my voice almost cracked. Maybe that was how he saw through my pathetic lie.

“Don’t lie to me.”

“…”

“…”

“I’m really fine Taec. Just tired. My next piece is due at the start of August and I only have a general idea down.”

“Oh, what is it?”

“The view of the world from a girl’s window when it rains.”

“… I see.”

I cringed when I thought about what his expression was at the moment. “I still have some work to do. I’ll catch up with you later okay?”

“Alright then… How about lunch tomorrow? We haven’t done that in a while.”

“Sure, sounds good. See you then. Bye.”

“Goodnight.”

I tossed the phone onto my bed. It seemed liked everyone just loved poking into my business, like it was a daily thing. “So, how are you doing today? It’s been almost a year since he’s been gone. Feeling okay?” It was actually 302 days. I would know. I kept count.

I sighed and hoped they knew it didn’t actually help much. In fact, it made me feel just that much worse. A sudden thought came to me from Jay’s last call. There’s going to be a surprise for you.

“When?”

“Soon. Very soon.”

I smile, thinking it’s just his way of cheering me up.“Will it make me feel better?”

“I hope so.”

Surprise? What surprise. It’s already been half a month. How long is his “soon” exactly? He didn’t call me since. I sighed again. It seemed to be all I did lately. Nothing can work. Everyone had already tried—Taec, Eun Mi, Imo. Unless they can buy me a ticket to Edmonds, or bring him here... like that will ever happen.

I was about to take my usual seat by the window, one I’ve spent a lot of time in since last September, when something outside in the front lawn caught my eye. A white beanie. My eyes widened. No way…

Not caring that I stepped on my artwork, I ran out of the room and rushed down the stairs. It can’t be. It just can’t… I felt my heart beating faster.

Throwing open the front door, I almost tripped down the front steps. There was no one in sight. All my hopes came crashing down. I felt the rain slide down my body until it reached the ground, but I didn’t care. My body went limp, and I fell to the ground. It wasn’t him. It’s not him…

I was numb to the point that I couldn't even feel the rain. Wait...I looked up and saw an umbrella. A pink umbrella.

“I didn’t expect to find you on the ground soaking wet the minute I’m back.” My heart stopped. He stepped around to face me, reaching out a hand. Déjà vu.

“H-how are.. when did.. what?”

He pulled me to my feet. It was really him and I could feel the warmth of his hand. “I saw you by the window, and thought you’d come running carelessly, so I went out back and got the umbrella. It’s still where I left it.” I was still speechless, too shocked at seeing him standing in front of me. Right here, right now.

“Surprise,” he said, a warm smile plastered across his face. I remained frozen. We stayed like that for the next few moments while I digested everything. His smile slowly disappeared and a frown took its place.

“Are you not happy to see me? I thought you would be since—”

I felt something warm run down my cheek and before I knew it, I threw myself at him and hit his chest as hard as I could. “Jay Park! You better have a good explanation for this!” Then I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him as close as possible.

He dropped the umbrella and hugged me tight. “What do you want me say? That I came because I wanted to see your smiling face? Or that I missed you so much I was going to go crazy?”

I didn’t say anything for a minute or two, just relishing his warmth. “Nothing. I don’t need anything. Just you.”

The rain seemed to be getting lighter, but I hardly noticed. My most important person was here with me and that was all that mattered. I snuggled into the crook of his neck and felt his breath on my ear.

“I’m finally home.”

“Me too.” 

The rain stopped.