“As I grew older,” he continued, “I began to have a need of a father figure. A strong base in my life besides my mother. I grew jealous of the children who had mothers and fathers, being often confused to why things happen to me the way that they do. When I entered high school, I often bullied other kids because I didn’t have a father anymore. Jealous, rage, and hate coursed through my veins, clouding not only my judgment, but also you.”

                He closed his eyes, sighing deeply. “It just so happened that my mother passed away of depression and it took a toll on her health. Jiyong… I… thought of suicide. It’s such a dark idea for someone to have… but it was such a common thought for me ever since my mother died. I already had my father taken away from me at a young age… God really did top it off by taking my mother as well. You know what her last words were to me?

                “Please be strong… for me… Don’t give up like I did. Don’t ever… give up…”

                The only strong base that I seemed to have was taken away from me. I cursed myself, I cursed the world, and I cursed God. Why did this happen to me? I have never done anything to deserve this. I thought. There really is no more hope.

                Death seemed so inviting to me. The thought of sleeping for eternity tempted me. No more loss. No more suffering. I was ready to give up on everything and end it all… I couldn’t handle anything anymore. I lost myself completely.

                 And I almost lost you. But your strength and kindness took me and healed me. I remember when you’d mindlessly follow me wherever I’d run. You stayed at a distance, watching over me… Quiet and observing. I continued to do that and saw that you were there with me every single time. I realized that you were strong and only wished well for me.

                I made it hard for you, didn’t I? I’m sorry. I’ve hurt you countless times but you still meekly stayed by my side. No one has cared for me like this in the longest time. You were… the father figure that I had been searching for most of my life.  So I thank you… for saving me from my worst enemy… myself.”

                He looked at the camera and smiled warmly. “What else can I ask for? I guess to repay the infinite debt to you is to protect you by going to the battlefront. I’ll be fighting for you, Ji.”

                I paused the video, my cheeks stained with tears. I recall each and every single event, clear as water. I never really understood his true feelings fully because he was quiet and reserved, only speaking when needed to.  Although I knew he was an insightful individual, I never realized that he was this sensitive. That pain was buried deep into his heart to this day.

                I began sobbing, burying my face into my hands. Oh, my Seunghyun. You’ve been hurting for so long but I’ve understood only so much about what goes through your mind. I wanted to run and find him, wherever he may be. I wanted to embrace him and hold him in my arms, never letting him go ever again. I wanted him to never ever feel that way ever again because it broke him so much.

                But… I’m honestly glad that I met him. I never realized how much I impacted him and wouldn’t trade anything that happened to us for the world. We grew this bond that no one could ever begin to understand.

                He finished the video after rambling about many other mindless things: complementing me on my delicious dinner, complaining about how traffic today was ridiculous, and singing silly Christmas carols into the wee hours of the morning.  

                “Good night, Jiyong. Know that you’re always in my heart. Unfortunately, you’ll be on my mind 24/7. What can I say? I love you too much to forget about you.” He laughed lightly, running his fingers through his hair. “Gosh, I’m just SO CHEESY TODAY! But you know what I mean!” He winked at the camera and laughed at his silliness, making me unconsciously smile.

                “I love you… so very much.”

                The video finished, taking up a good hour or two. I slumped in my couch, burying my face into the blanket. “I love you too… Miss you already.”

Day one.

Jiyong,

                It has been a couple of hours since I left you. I’m already going through some withdrawal because of this! It’s like someone put me inside an airtight box and out all the oxygen out of it and left me there to survive. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

                But honestly, I do miss you very much. I’m slowly counting down the days of when I’ll be able to see your face again. Too many more days to come. I long to see your sweet face again. I long to capture your soft lips and hold you in my arms again. I can’t sleep a wink with you on my mind.

                Goodness… I sound like a lovesick Romeo. [laughs]

                I was packing some belongings a few days earlier and decided to bring a small booklet of your song lyrics and a photo of you to keep close to me. These will have to do before I come back to you. They’re both nestled in my pocket of my new uniform they just gave me. Wow. It’s such a fast process. I guess they need more troops ASAP. Tomorrow morning we’ll begin training and will continue training for 2 more days following tomorrow.

                I am scared. I will hold a gun for the first time. I will see death flash before my own eyes. I will kill a man. I’m still unsure of how I can deal with all of this. I heard that all soldiers are wounded in war. If not physically, then mentally. I’ve heard some come back whipping out in hysteria at the mere mention of the word ‘bomb’. Some come home mildly traumatized, others come back insane.

                Some of these soldiers that have been recruited are as young as 17 or 18 year olds. I was so surprised to see such young faces roam around the base. Their eyes and souls were filled with zeal and determination, but I know that there is no good that looms ahead for all of us.

                It is dinnertime and I’ve taken this time to write out a letter to you. As expected, no phones and no internet, no forms of communication except letters. Hopefully this is sent to you as soon as possible.

                Enclosed in this letter is a picture of me in my uniform, taken by a rookie photographer, training to capture moments on the battlefield. Don’t I look dashing? [laughs]

                I love you very much. Counting down the days until I see you again.

                Much love,

                Choi Seunghyun.

                I finished the letter, clutching the piece of paper near to my chest. I’m counting down too…

                It is a chilly morning, the day after he left. I breathed a sigh of relief as I looked through the mail, finding Seunghyun’s letter nestled between hospital bills. I kissed the letter tenderly, still sensing his scent lingering on the fragile paper.

                I didn’t feel like myself this morning. Waking up with a bad cough, I felt my lungs tighten painfully. Weird, I thought. This is definitely out of the ordinary. I made some tea with honey to help it in hopes of curing it, but it didn’t work, leaving me a bit worse than I was this morning. Good thing I had a hospital checkup with my doctor today.

                CL stopped by and aided me onto her car and transported me to the hospital. A worried look was painted all over her face. “Jiyong, I’m worried for you.”

                I attempted to clear my throat for the millionth time. “Yeah… Me too.” I said in a raspy voice. Oooh, that did NOT sound good.

                “Let’s rest your voice. I don’t want you sicker anymore than you already are.” She said, my head. “C’mon. Let’s get you up there.”

                We slowly made our way through the lobby until my head started spinning.

                “C-C..L…” I choked, holding my head. My legs began to grow weak and I collapsed onto the ground. "I...I..."

                “J-Jiyong!” She exclaimed, her eyes widening in panic. She grasped my face and lightly slapped it, hoping that my senses would come back. “No, this can’t happen! Jiyong! Stay with me! Can you hear me? Can you…”

                Her voice faded out. My hearing became fuzzy, as if I were tuning into a low-quality radio. The room spun violently and I began to see specks of light. Darkness enveloped me again.

                “Jiyong, NO!”