Everything was dull and unclear, not my surroundings but my mind.

I couldn’t focus.

I was trying to forget, to bury something in the most unreachable part of my brain.

I didn’t know what I was trying to forget. Maybe I had succeeded in forgetting it.

I browsed through the websites, my hand was moving on the tiny computer mouse. What I was doing my body was doing on its own. I hadn’t ordered my body to do so.

I clicked on the “watch live“ button to watch the show online. We didn’t have MTV in Korea.

On the red carpet, stood many people with dazzling dresses but I didn’t care, none of them caught my eyes.

I just wished the camera man would be decent enough to show someone they didn’t quit recognize.

I kept on watching people talk in fast English I didn’t understand for about 20 minutes before my eyes caught the corner of his coat. His style was unique and always stood out.

I was unique in fashion myself but that’s just what people say. I feel relieved to see people consider my nonsense as uniqueness.

And then he stopped, looked straight into the main camera, his gaze, maybe that’s what I’ve been trying to forget. It made shivers go down my spine.

Then he turned his head to one of the press cameras on the side and was being interviewed by some reporter dude.

“Huh…!” I let out a sigh of frustration. I didn’t know when the award he was nominated for was being announced, so I kept on watching all the breath taking performances and perfect looking people who won the awards. Somewhere in the middle of my track of thoughts focused on HanKyung or as he should be called, Hangeng, I got the chance to be distracted by Psy hyung’s performance. I truly admired the man. As a perk of being Hankyung’s friend for a long time and being in the industry myself I knew how hard it is for a person to break ground in another country, let alone the whole world.

But then again my thoughts were focused on “when they are going to announce the winner!?” and if he’s really going to win. I mean he went all the way over to Germany so why not win the prize?!

I was asking myself and struggling inside as if I was the one holding him back from winning. I smirked at my own conclusion of thoughts.

When have I gone so mad?!

I kept on watching for have an hour after Psy’s performance until they decided it was time to give out the award for “The best worldwide act”.

The presenters for the said award came out. Uh… those guys, The Jonas brothers, Wonder Girls did the opening to their shows I remember.

“Nominees for best worldwide act.” Said an announcer with a clear voice.

Kyung’s name was the last to be announced. A clip from his album teaser was being showed. He was sitting on a horse, when did he change his “the boy next door “ image to the fierce wild Hangeng?!

I feel like those times were long gone!

One of the guys opened a little envelope which contained the name of the winner. I gripped on my arms with my hands and for some reason I made the grip tighter with every passing second.

It took something that felt like an hour for the guy to read the name off the card. I was expecting some name like Rihanna to come out of the guy’s mouth. Although some voice in the back of my mind kept shouting “Hangeng, it’s gonna be Hangeng!” then the little guy said “ Hangeng ~ a!” in absolute calmness. It was then when I felt that my soul has been set free.

Then the camera changed to show my precious friend standing up to walk to his award. After bumping shoulders and shaking hands with the presenters he used his microphone to say thanks in his always awful English which I couldn’t help but to laugh at a little.

Then Hankyung turned to Chinese which would usually get me mad for I can’t understand it, but this time I was too happy to care about what language he spoke in. that was it. Those short 3 minutes or so , but that was more than enough to clarify the dullness and remind me what I’ve been trying to forget.

I’ve missed him so much, that’s what I’ve been trying to hide from myself. Soon after I shut my computer down to grab my phone, I didn’t care about what happened in that ceremony after that anyway.

I dialed Kyung’s number hoping his cellphone would be on even though he’s abroad, and that he would hear it ring where he is. I really wanted to congratulate him from the bottom of my heart.

After four very long beeps a soft voice picked up “Hello!” he said in chinese.

“Chukaheee Kyung~ah!” I said in my most excited tone.

“Heechul hyung, is it you? Thank you.” He was shocked I could say.

“Yes, Hankyung, you deserved it. I’m glad we lost to you in the first round.”

“Uh…that officially makes you the craziest person I know, how are you?” His funny Korean always made me delighted, now that he was far from Korean environment it has gotten even worse.

“Very well, I’ve missed you Geng~ah!”

That was a confession to me and I was finally relieved.