Insomnia
Insomnia
I never thought that I'd fall in love, love, love, love
But it grew from a simple crush, crush, crush, crush
Being without you girl, I was all messed up, up, up, up
When you walked out, said that you'd had enough-nough-nough-nough
But it grew from a simple crush, crush, crush, crush
Being without you girl, I was all messed up, up, up, up
When you walked out, said that you'd had enough-nough-nough-nough
He was used to these nights. Rolling over and over in his bed, unable to sleep, and eventually giving up and going to take a long shower, watch T.V. or play Wii or doing something that isn't pretending to be asleep.
He was used to that, because he never slept, not really.
Insomnia was a part of his life, a big part.
But lately it seemed like sleeping was something he absolutely couldn't do.
He stared at the clock hanging next to his bed. 03:30. Ironic, isn't it?
He internally laughed and got up, taking his clothes off. It was chilly in his apartment, and he shuddered. Walking to the bathroom was one privilege that living alone had. The only one, probably.
Been a fool, girl I know
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time, you'll change your mind
Now looking back I wish I could rewind
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time, you'll change your mind
Now looking back I wish I could rewind
The water was cold, too, but he didn't care. Not really. His heart was so cold he didn't think it mattered anyways.
Letting the water run down his back and chest when he got out, he walked back to his bed. He the T. V. and stared at the screen. It played a rewind of today's show, and, how ironic, they were on. He sighed and turned it off.
He closed his eyes, wondering maybe now he'll be able to sleep. He rolled again, heart skipping when he thought, just for one moment, that he felt his warmth besides him. Because he always slept better when he was besides him. And if he didn't, he would wake him up and even though he would say that it's okay and that he's not tired at all, he knew that he was but still he let him enter him and get off, tiring his body so much he finally, finally fell asleep.
The tears flew just like that, inconsiderate to the fact that he is almost 23 years old, and men his age shouldn't cry. But he missed him, and when he opened his eyes and saw the empty place in his bed, the place where he should have slept, he couldn't help it. He couldn't sleep, not without him.
Because I can't sleep til you're next to me
No I can't live without you no more
Oh I stay up til you're next to me
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
No I can't live without you no more
Oh I stay up til you're next to me
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
He forces himself to relax, and wipes his tears away. Getting up again, he puts on his clothes. No reason to think about him. He's gone. He had to go, because that is just how life is. Unfair, and mean, and if you're not what people want you to be, you're nothing.
Sighing, he realized how hungry he was. It's been hours since dinner, and even then he ate less than usual.
He stumbled to the kitchen, too tired to turn on the light. So tired, but still it wasn't enough for him to be able to sleep.
When was the last time he slept well?
When he was here. a little voice tells him, but he ignores it. He already knew that.
Remember telling my boys that I'd never fall in love, love, love, love
You used to think I'd never find a girl I could trust, trust, trust, trust
And then you walked into my life and it was all about us, us, us, us
But now I'm sitting here thinking I messed the whole thing up, up, up, up
You used to think I'd never find a girl I could trust, trust, trust, trust
And then you walked into my life and it was all about us, us, us, us
But now I'm sitting here thinking I messed the whole thing up, up, up, up
He made himself a cup of coffee, because there was no way he could sleep tonight anyways, so he'd better be awake and do something.
He took out a huge piece of cake his mother gave him a week ago and he hadn't finished yet, and sat down next to the gloomy table and thought about his life. He wasn't sure anymore if it was his fault or not, he had no idea how he even got to this situation. Something in the back of his head told him that it was his fault after all, but he didn't want to believe it. It was far easier to just blame everyone else.
Been a fool (fool), girl I know (know)
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time (time), you'll change your mind (mind)
Now looking back I wish I could rewind
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time (time), you'll change your mind (mind)
Now looking back I wish I could rewind
A nock on the door pulled him out of his miserable thoughts. He looked at the clock, wondering who the hell would come to visit him at 04:47 in the morning.
He yawned and dragged his legs to the door. "Who is it?" he asked, voice hoarse with tiredness.
No answer.
He almost decided to give up- he probably just imagined it. But when he turned to walk back to the kitchen, another knock was heard. He sighed and leaned against the door. "Who is it?" he asked again, not expecting to get an answer.
"Please, open the door." He spoke English, like he always did when it was just the two of them. Neither of them spoke Korean good enough to express themselves completely, and it was just easier to understand each other that way.
He opened the door and stared at him. His hair was lighter than the last time he saw him, and he couldn't help but awe at his perfectly shaped face. Like an angel.
Because I can't sleep til you're next to me
No I can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh I stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before (Because it)
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah (Ah), Feels like insomnia ah ah
No I can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh I stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before (Because it)
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah (Ah), Feels like insomnia ah ah
"What are you doing here?" was the first thing that came out of his mouth. He mentally slapped himself at that- he should just be happy he is here. But his heart beat so hard it hurt, and his head hurt from the tiredness that was the only thing he knew now, and his legs were so weak he thought he was going to collapse.
"I missed you." He blushed, cheeks lighting in pretty pink, like roses lying in the snow. "And I couldn't sleep. I thought you'd be awake, too, so… here I am."
He nodded. "Come in. I just made coffee, and I have cake. My mom made it."
He smiled shyly. "That's great. I love your mother's cakes."
"Yeah." There was an awkward silence when they walked into the kitchen.
"Alexander…" he mumbled, sitting next to where his coffee and cake were.
He didn't know what to say, so he just made another cup of coffee, just like Kevin loved, and sliced him a piece of cake. "Here." He sat back down and stared at his half empty cup. He drank it, not sure what to say.
"Thank you." Kevin smiled at him and drank too, eating the cake slowly. "I'm sorry." He said eventually. "About everything. We all miss you so much…" he paused. "I miss you."
He nodded, afraid to look at him. All the things he loved about him- his face, his hair, his voice, his scent of sweet perfume and sugar and a little sweat- yet he couldn't let himself think about it. He wasn't his anymore, and he shouldn't yearn to have him. He couldn't.
"Xander…" he was touching him suddenly, trying to pull him towards him. "Look at me, Xander. Please."
"I can't." he got up, got away from his grip. He was crying, damn it. Not again. Not in front of him. "I think you should go now. Ou- Your members, they would worry about you."
"They're sleeping, they wouldn't know." Kevin got up after him, trying to reach out to him.
"Why are you here?" he asked again, trying to stop himself from crying.
"I wanted to see you." He took his hand, forcing him to look at him. "I still love you, Xander. I don't care we're not band mates anymore; I want to be with you. I want to move in with you, to live with you. It's okay if we don't see each other at work, or even the entire day, as long… as long as we sleep together. Because I can't sleep without you, I can't. I need you, I need to know that you're there for me. I want to be there for you, because I know you can't sleep either. I know. I love you, Alexander. I love you."
Ah, I just can't go to sleep
Cause it feels like I've fallen for you
It's getting way too deep
And I know that it's love because
Cause it feels like I've fallen for you
It's getting way too deep
And I know that it's love because
Their skins burnt together, hot and sweaty and smooth.
Their hearts drummed together, racing to fill the gap of the last couple of months, yearning to pick up the pace together.
And when entered him, Kevin moaned softly and tilted his head back so he could kiss him, and the hot breaths on his face made Alexander so crazy, because it was what he wanted, it was what he needed.
And when they laid together, arms wrapping each other, Alexander closed his eyes and felt his mind go blank as he fell asleep.
I can't sleep til you're next to me
No I can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh I stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
No I can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh I stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
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