At Least I Still Have You

feat Kris Wu

~~

I’m afraid that time is running out
I want to hold you
Until I can feel your wrinkles, the traces of aging

“A penny for your thought?”

I snapped from day dreaming and looked up, meeting his eyes. He had a pair of beautiful eyes, the ones I always envied of but pretty as it seemed, they were just two pools of lies. Still, he managed a smile and took a seat beside me.

“Hi, there.”

“Oh, hello, Kris.”

Again, I found myself tongue tied around him. I’m not usually this awkward, you see. But ever since I met him –just a few days ago, I couldn’t find the right words whenever he appeared before me. He had his way of making people around him fallen into his charms, which were a bit distorted in my eyes, I’d say.

He was always smiling.

It was like to him, life itself is nothing but skittles and rainbows. And it made me hate him even more – pretty weird, wasn’t it? I’m not skeptical nor am I enjoy judging people but he was different.

I heard from the nurse that the hospital was practically his home and everyone here knew him well. Was he waiting for his time? I don’t know and truth was, I don’t really care because he was a complete stranger to me.

“Haewon?”

“Hmm?”

“Have you ever been in love?”

Until I’m sure that you’re real
Until all the energy is lost.
For you, I’m willing

“Truth or dare?” He smirked, head on his chin as he waited for my response. We were doing our usual Saturday treat, enjoying two cups of coffee and two plates of chocolate cakes my mother made. We hanged at the hospital lounge - did I tell you that this is a private hospital?- and played our favourite game.

“Wipe that smirk off your face.”

“Times and tides wait for no man, Haewon.” He stiffed a laugh, proud of himself as if he was saying the most brilliant thing in the world.

Rolling my eyes, I scoffed, “Stop being so dramatic, Kris. Hmm, since you probably have something up your sleeves, I’m choosing truth.”

His face fell, “Oh, come on. You’re no fun.”

“Who cares? The choice is up to me. And your question, Mr. Wu?”

He spaced out, maybe thinking of the exact question to fluster me. Heh, not a chance. I’d answer any bait he throws me. He was still staring into space so I tapped the coffee table, “Mr. Wu, times and tides wait for no man.”

 “Ah, right! I have one. Have you ever been in love?”

I shot him a dry look, unfazed, not even one bit. Always the same question. It was getting boring, really. His sense of humor was definitely annoying. Of course the answer would be the same and he knew it well since he kept asking me that question the past days.

But as I locked my gaze on his my heart wavered. Those two pools of lies suddenly weren’t as empty. Was this one of those sappy moments only found in crappy love dramas? I could clearly felt my heart thumping fast, my cold blood running through my vain and my cheek heated.

“You’re blushing.” He tried holding his laughter but had failed miserably.

 “Am not, you jerk!” Bewildered by his words, I quickly denied them, “The answer is obvious so stop asking that stupid question. It’s your turn now. Choose.”

“But, Haewon, you still haven’t ans- ”

“I say, choose, Wu Yi Fan!”

Even if I can’t move anymore, I still want to see you
Until I can see that your hair has traces of whiteness

“Promise you won’t forget me here?” His voice sounded weak and fragile as he watched me packing my clothes. My intuition was right. He was sad that I’m leaving but too prideful to admit it. I kept silent, continuing folding my blue T-shirt.

“Of course I won’t.” I finally said, walking to the drawer and pulled out my black jeans. “Don’t worry, Kris.  Just make sure you will take care of yourself and always listen to the nurses.”

“Haewon, I’m not five!” He rebutted, feeling rather defensive at my tease.

I laughed out loud at his pouty yet so funny face. He was crossing his arms, offended by the way I made fun of him. In any normal days, he was the prankster, often caused my face reddened but today, he was being all sulky. It didn’t fit him though, considering his freaking height.

“Pinky promise, Haewon?” He abruptly held out his little finger.

 Amused, I raised my brow, “I thought you said you’re not five?”

“Haewon!” He whined, only made him sounded like a cranky old man but I took it as a cue to stop teasing him.

I heaved a sigh, intertwined our fingers, “Fine. I promise, Kris.”

Until my sight has become blurry
Until I can no longer breathe
Let’s never be apart

I totally forgot about him, engrossed to finally step out of the jail and taste the sweet freedom in the air. Well, I’d only been admitted for one month yet it felt as a hundred years being imprisoned. It was until, one Sunday morning when I was lying on the couch, reading my favourite magazine, my mother decided to ask.

“How’s Kris doing?”

I literally froze upon hearing his name. I sat up straight, planning to call him and trying to think of a cover up not to mention. Inwardly, I cursed myself for being so forgetful. He must have been mad, like seriously mad. Kris Wu is a man that capable of turning people into stone just by his piercing stare.

“Hello?” I heard his husky voice over the phone. Just a minute before, I already prepared an excuse but the moment he picked up my call, they were all gone.

“K-Kris?”

He stayed silent before replying, “Oh. It’s you.”

For all the time I knew him, he never used this tone on me. Heck, he never used this tone on anyone. He always sounded cheerful and every word comes with a sweet smile.

“I’m sorry, Kris. I-I just – ” The sentence disappeared through thin air.

I could hear he sighed heavily, “Just so you know, I’m not dead yet. Well, might as well as be.”

“Kris!” I shrieked, utterly shocked to the fact that the strong-willed Kris I knew gave up. But, he didn’t mean it. He was just frustrated. Yes, of course. He wouldn’t mean it that way. He was just making me felt guilty. And it worked.  “I’m really sorry, okay? It’s just, I haven’t been going out for one month, school’s being a nuisance and my classmates dragged me to everywhere. I couldn’t say no, could I?”

“Of course, Haewon. But, hey, you could say, I’m sorry, I have this sick friend and I need to spend time with him. You know, before he died!” He retorted heartlessly and continued, “I spent years here, Haewon. Try imagining how I feel?!”

“Oh, for god sake, Kris! It’s only two weeks. Do you really have to be this grumpy?”

“You promised, Haewon. You’re not supposed to break it but you did it anyway.” He whispered, those last words were barely audible.

“And now you’re just being childish!”

And then, all I heard was the line disconnected. Did he just hang up on me?

Even if
I have to give up the whole world
At least there’s still you, who is worth treasuring
And the fact that you’re here, is a miracle in my life
I could forget the whole world,
As long as I don’t ever lose you
I will always know where the mole on your hand is

 “Hey, Luhan! You’re early today and where’s Sehun?” I chirped as I see Luhan sat beside him.  

“He’s meeting Sulli’s parents today.” Luhan flashed a cute smile, “I brought lilies, Haewon. Those perennials are dying.”

“That’s so sweet of you, Luhan.” I took out the perennials and replaced them with the white lilies. I diverted my gaze on him, my eyes softened. He looked paler than before. His wild brown hair and his chapped lips pulled my heartstring.

Just a few days ago, he fell while going to the bathroom and the doctor instructed him to use a wheelchair. After this, what? Bedridden? I couldn’t even imagine.

“Uhmm.” He stirred a bit and fluttered his eyes open. “You’re here. I was waiting for you, bimbo.”

Same old Kris, I thought, shaking my head, “The new professor is driving us mad, Kris. He assigned me to write a thesis. About traditional music!”

“Suits you.” He said nonchalantly, earning himself a nice whack from Luhan. We both giggled as Kris rubbed his thigh and mumbled something about staying loyal to your friend.

I leaned against the wall, watching his every movement. He was whispering to Luhan before the two boys snickered, their eyes formed crescent. A sudden nostalgic feeling rushed to my body. Would I be able to see his smile again?

“Haewon!”

I startled at his call, “Yeah?”

“You’re coming tomorrow, right? Tao is celebrating his birthday here and the dumb and dumber are planning a Gangnam Style parody for him. You’re sure wouldn’t want to miss that, right?”

His eyes were twinkling of hope,it  made him looked like a boy rewarded a lollipop but unfortunately I had other plan, “I’m afraid I have to miss it, Kris. Tell Baekhyun and Chanyeol, I’ll watch them next time.”

“Are you meeting someone?” Luhan suddenly asked his head tilted to his left, making him looked cuter.

“Yeah. Suho finally mustarded up some courage and ask me out!” I announced happily and Luhan started to tease me.

“Haewon and Suho. Sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

I couldn’t help but laughed at his cuteness. The fact that he was the same age as Kris was just too much. Really, the difference is just big. Kris was a total wimp with just handsome features. From the corner of my eyes, I saw the pained look on his face.

And I wished I hadn’t.

It wasn’t easy for us
We had no choice
I’m afraid that time is passing by too quickly
Not long enough to look at you carefully

“Jerks. Them boys are nothing but jerks.” I muttered under my breath, my teeth gritted. Suho and I had a really big fight and he decided to solve it by breaking up with me. He was being so clingy and I hated clingy guys.

‘What are you doing, Haewon?’ ‘Where are you, Haewon?’ ‘You’re still in the hospital?’ Haewon this! Haewon that!

It was so aggravated what he did just now. How could he possibly end everything? Never mind him. Weird, huh? I wasn’t even crying when we parted. Stomping my feet as I headed to Kris’s room, a pretty girl was pacing back  and forth in front of the door.

She looked like Chinese with that distinguish figure, her lean body underneath the leather jacket and her dark brown hair. How I wished I have those too. I approached her carefully and greeted, “Hi. Can I help you?”

Confused, she gawked at me before her lips curved up, “Actually, I’m here to see Jia Heng.”

“Jia Heng?” I repeated.

“Sorry.” She paused, her face was unreadable, “I mean, Kris Wu.”

Okay, who is she and how did she know Kris? Whoa, now I sounded more like Suho, I sounded, desperate? Shoving the thought away, I her into the room, “Go. He’s in there.”

I was about to stepped away when a clanking sound was heard. Quickly, I swung the door opened and saw the bowl was on the floor. Just my luck, it was empty. But, something was bizarre about Kris. He stared at her with disbelief.

His mouth stuttered, “Q-Qian? Song Qian?”

“Jia Heng.” She softly called, “I’m back.”

Tears formed his eyes but it didn’t take long for him to chuckle, “About time, you fatty.”

She ran into his arms, her head buried on his chest and Kris caressed her silky hair, a big grin formed on his face. His eyes were still teary.

“I miss you, Heng-ah.” I heard she spoke before sniffing. She was crying.

“I miss you more, cry baby.”

I could never forget the look on his face. For the first time, he seemed genuinely happy. And I felt a tied knot in my stomach.

 The pain was too unbearable.

I’m afraid time is passing by too slowly
I’m worried day and night about losing you

That was the first and the last time I saw her. Kris said nothing, though. So, I terrorized Luhan and attacked him with my curiosity. He didn’t reveal much, just that Song Qian was Kris’s childhood friend.

For years, I did my daily routine; changed the dead flowers –Kris was so into roses lately, opened the curtains to the blinding light and prepared his hospital meals. Kris was becoming weaker and fainter. He get tired easily and spent most of his times sleeping.

One day, he unexpectedly said, “She’s getting married.”

“Who?”

“Qian.” He answered frailly, “I’m one step late.”

I stayed mute so he kept talking, “I met her when I was 4 somewhere in the city of Beijing. She’s older than me. We grew up together, promised to be by each other’s sides until the very end but that’s not how life works. I found about my disease a few years later and my father brought me here for further treatment.

I left without saying goodbye. I should have confessed to her before leaving but I’m too much of a coward. Now, she’s getting married.”

“I- I don’t –“

He cut my words off, “She’s inviting me. I’ve always wanted to see her in a wedding dress.”

I brushed my bangs nervously, “Are you going? Do you want me to go there with you?”

“No, Haewon. It’s better this way.” He faked a smile to which I could see through.

And then it was awkward. I didn’t know what to say in this kind of moment. Truthfully, jealousy rose as he told the story of Song Qian. I knew I shouldn’t act this way but somehow, deep down, I hoped he would feel the same.

Out of the blue, he coughed badly, the brittle sound of it caught my ears. Blood spurted on the white sheet. Widening my eyes, I rushed to him, holding him tight.

He still hadn’t stop coughing as I his back. Tears rolled down my face, my hands were shivering. Not now, I thought. Please not now, Lord.

“DOCTOR?! NURSE! ANYONE PLEASE!”

Just want to age in one night
Let’s never part

“Haewon?”

I rubbed my eyes and yawned, “What is it, Kris?”

“Are you asleep?”

Glancing at my silver watch, I shook my head. It was midnight, “No, it’s okay. Tell me, what is it?”

“Let’s watch the stars.”

His wish flabbergasted me, “N-Now?”

“I have no much time, Haewon-ah.”

My heart feel a pang, I tried to hold in my feeling, “Of course, Kris. Let’s go.”

With all my strength, I helped him sat on the wheel chair and sneakily, we managed to pass the nurses and guards without fail. We went to the beach by car. Kris once said he’d never been to one so I thought, why not?

Lying there side by side, absorbing the cold sand into our bodies, both of us gaping at the stars amazed by their beauty. I wrapped him with blanket, “Kris?”

“Yeah?”

“Remember your favourite question?”

He beamed, “Of course. Last time I asked was during our Saturday treat. You didn’t answer it, though.”

“You knew the answer, aren’t you? That’s why you never asked anymore.” I grabbed a strain of white sand and let the breeze blew them away. “I take that as a yes. Even though you knew it all along, I still want to tell you.”

I peeked to my left, he just stared at the vast sky, “I have fall in love. In fact, I am in love.”

He turned to meet my face, “It took you so long, Haewon. But I’m glad. I’m glad that I have you.”

Closing his eyes, he reached for my hand. They fitted just right as if they were meant to be. I looked away, my chest rising up and down. It felt heavy. Every breathe I took felt difficult.

He was drifting, away and away and his grip suddenly went weak.

Did you reach the stars yet, Kris?

Where it is
Where it is

“Sweet dreams, angel.”

The End.