My Heart
My Heart [ A Confusing Drabble ]
I told him he was my everything, but he didn’t listen, he didn’t believe me.
Why didn’t he believe me?
Were my words empty to him?
Were they foolish and stupid?
When he walked down the path away from me, my heart just stopped beating. The pain washing over me was like a wave crashing against the cliff’s rocks. It hurt; it ached; it broke me. Ever since that day, I swore never to let my poor heart pass through such agony ever again. If only I knew that I just lied to myself, I wouldn’t have put my life on hold. What a dumb girl I am.
-----
College
Everything was going well. I was studying the course I said I would take before my mishap in high school. Things were going perfect. Wrong. It wasn’t going perfect. I bumped into him again this past summer. The smile on his face stung my wounded ego. And what made it worse was he was with another girl. Babo. I forced myself to be polite to them and greeted them as they passed me. Idiot. He didn’t even turn in my direction. Wait. I quickly wiped the unwanted tear that escaped my tired eyes and continued on my way.
Now, it’s the first day of the fall sem and I can’t believe he’s here. Why? Is this to torture me? Don’t. We had every class together. Not a single glance; I didn’t receive anything even though I was certain he knew I was there. Jerk. Once the teacher dismissed us, I rushed out of the room and far away as possible to him. But fate was just plain cruel. I bumped into our his old friends.
“Shai! Long time no see.” Doojoon happily chirped at me, not noticing the way I trembled before him in shock and surprise.
No. I can’t take it anymore.
“Where have you been this past summer? You disappeared after graduation. We all got worried.” Hyun Seung spoke, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.
For sure, he felt the tremor from my body transfer onto his, yet he ignored it.
Leave. Leave me be.
“Come on now Shai! Cat caught your tongue? Where did you spend your vacation?” Yoseob grinned, eyeing me down like I was a piece of meat.
Stop. Say stop. Please.
“What are you ers doing here?” his voice rang loudly in the corridor, anger evident in the way he addressed the boys surrounding me.
I didn’t turn my head when they all did. I routed myself in my spot and prayed for a miracle to happen. The others just chuckled at his remark, howling at his passive state. I dared myself to see what expression he was wearing at that moment, but I couldn’t. I loathe you. The sounds of his steps approaching had my being shiver. I can’t have him near me, not after everything. I beg you. No.
“I said what the hell are you ers doing here? Didn’t I say wait for me at the car? What are you guys doing-doing with her?” he snarled, his voice dropping a few octaves making the boys quiet down.
“Nothing hyung. We’re just talking, of course.” Yoseob answered his question at once.
My eyes were beginning to water as I knew what he truly meant. He didn’t want me there. He didn’t want to see me; associate with his friends; exist at all. It hurts. I slipped myself out of Hyun Seung’s hold and bowed to the apologetically.
“I have to be somewhere. Nice to see you guys again.” I finally spoke after the whole time I was in their presence.
Whisking away in a frantic manner, I turned the corner and nearly ran. The tears I helplessly held back cascaded down my cheek like a river. Mianhae. I made my way out of the University and let out a sigh of relief when none of them followed me. I collapsed onto the cement sidewalk, ignoring the questioned stares casted my way as I buried myself in my thoughts. He’s being unfair. Why does he treat me like trash? Like I don’t deserve to roam the same earth he roams? Wrong. You’re wrong. Rising from my seated position, I carried myself home, hoping that the rest of the semester would go peacefully. Please.
-----
End of the Semester
Weary. I’ve grown extremely weary and tired of this treatment I was receiving. He would glare at me when the boys would simply come up and chat. He would push me around when no one was looking. He would... he would violate my being when no one was there. Lost. I’ve become nothing but a mere toy. When did I deserve this? Was I really nothing to him at all?
Invisible. I’m invisible.
I sat in silence on the bench just outside my next class. The wind was calm, passing by me with gentleness and caution. My eyes were closed, absorbing my solidarity. I felt serene after these five scaring months. Once, for once, I was free – or so I thought. His hand cupped my face harshly, pulling it close to his. My solitude was suddenly becoming an advantage to him as my eyes fluttered open to his hard glower. A shudder ran down my spine when he yanked me off the bench and dragged me to an empty classroom.
Babo. Such a babo.
He cornered me onto the teacher’s oak desk. Making sure he locked the door, he smirked in amusement as I attempt to escape. I failed since he gripped my hair and slammed me onto the clean, white tiled floor. Straddling my fragile body, his hands furiously caressed my body making me squirm in embarrassment. No more. Please? I’m begging you no more. He gripped onto my weak wrists and pinned them above my head. His smirk grew bigger as I refused to meet his gaze.
my exposed neck, I cursed myself for not wearing a turtleneck when I had the chance. Again, I squirmed beneath him, begging in soft whimpers for him to stop all of this. Torn. You’ve left me torn. He didn’t listen to my silent pleas as he slipped my pinned arms into one hand and raised his other to smack me strongly across my face. I strangely couldn’t feel the pain. Probably months of practicing to have me leave my body as he did whatever he please actually might have worked now. Fool. I was such a fool.
But I guess not, because once he ed my jeans and pulled down the zipper, the aching of my restrained hands brought me to my senses. He yanked my pants off in a second and literally tore my underwear off as well while he released his hard member from its confinements. I trembled, sobbing quietly as possible when he pushed himself into me, filling me to the brim. Why didn’t you listen to me? Moving in and out of my dry womanhood, blood trickled down my thigh as he ed harder and faster in me. His loud pleasured groans filled the air, deafening me into this nightmare I caught myself in.
Reaching his after a while of pumping into me, he spilled his sinful seed inside my womb and climbed off me. I laid there, collecting myself as he wiped off the sweat from his forehead. He had a satisfied smiled on his face when he stood up to put his spent member back inside his pants. Leaving me there to wallow in misery, he stepped out of the room, not looking back.
Dirty. You’ve made me dirty.
-----
Christmas Break
“Junhyung! Wait for me!” Hyuna’s voice called after me.
I didn’t look back at her when the news got to me. It couldn’t be true. It shouldn’t be true. The boys must be playing a sick and ed up joke on me. I hastened my steps to my car and got in immediately as soon as I reached it. Revving it to life, I drove off like a mad man, forgetting my girlfriend at that god-forsaken party.
No. Please don’t go. I have been an for not showing you how I truly felt. Selfish. I am selfish. You didn’t deserve any of the pain I inflicted on you. You were just gullible – gullible, fragile, weak, innocent. I tainted you naive heart and shattered it into a million of pieces. Sorry. Hear my apology. Hear me beg for your forgiveness. I-I love you. Listen to my worthless confession. I really love you.
I still want to hear your sweet voice. I still want to see your perfect face. I still want to make up for all the I’ve done to you. I want to make love to you. I’m sorry. So ing sorry.
-----
Death is a riddle, played like a fiddle; lost in the middle; written like a briddle.
Dear Junhyung,
I know I was wrong. Wrong for thinking a guy like you would love an idiot like me. I’m clueless, slow, and just plain dumb. But I never took it back. Even after all the pain you’ve given me, I never took back the love I gave to you. I accepted all the hurt that crossed my body. I even sacrificed my heart for you. So if you think I regret everything, then you’re wrong. Wrong for even thinking that. I love you... with every last breath I take. I’m just sorry I won’t be able to give you a chance to make it up to me.
Mianhae. Saranghae. Live life and forget about me. We were never meant to be in the first place.
Shai♥
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