Longing

“Don’t leave me, oppa. Please.” With tears trickling down her cheeks, she fell down to her knees. “Please don’t,” She said one more time, pleading. “I love you so much. You can’t- you can’t leave me.”

“Who are you?” Standing upright before her was him, a good distance separating them.

Bringing her palm to her ribs, she said, “What did you mean? I’m Hong Yookyung! I’m your girlfriend—” She came into a pause. Even though her vision was a bit blurry, she still could see him.

Was it really him?

He wasn’t grinning. He was neither giving his toothy smile nor smirking like he usually did. Instead, he had his lips formed into a straight line. She knew this couldn’t be anything good. He fixed his gaze at her, his eyes staring down at her soul. His eyes used to sparkle with luster, but why couldn’t she find it anymore? There weren’t any affection and emotion left in his deep eyes.

There was nothing.

He was... different.

He wasn’t what he used to be. He was as cold as ice, as cold as someone could be.

He changed. Just when she thought he wouldn’t ever change, he did – and it wasn’t for the better.

She stayed unmoving, still waiting for the latter’s reply. She purposefully had her head hung low, declining to see his eyes. It jabbed her heart to see him seeing at her like that. It broke her heart. Did he no longer need her? Did he no longer love her like she always did to him? Did he only joke and play around with her heart? Did he only consider her as a game?

“Oppa, please don’t leave,” She begged again. She didn’t care how pathetic she seemed right now. All she could think was she was at her most vulnerable and fragile state and she didn’t want him to leave her like that.

Even though it sounded selfish and woeful at the same time, she couldn’t care less. She wanted him to stay.

“Please, oppa...”

It was a deafening silence between them. Yookyung didn’t know what to say again. She was too caught up stopping her tears.

“Goodbye,” She then heard him said.

She raised her head instinctively and saw his figure slowly turned his back on her. “No— Jongin oppa, don’t!” Getting back to her feet, she tried to run after him with all her might. She ran, ran, and ran, but it seemed like the distance between them became longer. She stretched out her hand, trying to get to him, however he became far, far, far, until she couldn’t reach him anymore. Until he vanished from her sight and left any trace at all.

She immediately fell down to the floor, eyes widened in shock. She didn’t have to take her time analyzing what was actually going on. She knew what just happened.

She watched as Jongin, the man whom she loved, walked away from her and perished in a blink of an eye. She buried her face in her palms, trying to hide her scarlet face and the uncontrollable hot tears that came afterwards.

His last word rang in her ears. “Goodbye.”

He, who disappeared along with the wind.

ooo

She honestly didn’t know what she should do with herself.

No matter how much she wanted to close her eyes, thousands of thoughts kept running through her head. They would incessantly flood her mind, filling it and eventually leaving no space. She attempted to forget her worries and other things she was thinking but they would return again in the end, not wanting to leave her alone. Rolling to her side, she thenreached for the alarm clock on the bedside table.

03:30 am.

In a swift move, she put back the alarm on where it was before, fixing the position so it would face the nightstand. It was past midnight and she still couldn’t sleep. She should wake up early the next day but here she was, worn-out yet awake.

“Sleep, Yookyung. Sleep,” She commanded herself, repeating her words like a chant. She rubbed her sides and shivered at the contact of the cold air with her own skin. Bringing her blanket closer to her, she curled herself into a ball and wrapped her body from the coldness. It was too chilly that night and she wished it wouldn’t be so freezing to her discomfort.

Yookyung let out a sigh. If it weren’t for the nightmare she had, she wouldn’t have to stay awake like this. It had been a while since she could sleep well – when she would be in a deep slumber without having tears brimmed on her eyes, when she wouldn?’t find herself awake with sweats beading her face in the middle of the night, or when she would just snooze soundly without having the same nightmare disturbing her precious bedtime.

She was surely getting weary with this, with everything.

It had been a while since she could feel peace at her heart.

She then shifted her attention to the space next to her. There was nothing. She felt like her bed became bigger and more spacious now. It was no longer unfilled since three months ago and the feeling of emptiness still remained in her, never actually leaving.

Kim Jongin used to be there. And now that he was gone, it would remain vacant.

It wasn’t her fault that every single thing reminded her of him. It was all because she missed him – so badly, so terribly that it hurt her.

She recalled the first time he stayed at her house. She was home alone since her father and brother left for China that day. It was that one time when she was not feeling well and he wasn’t anywhere but worried. Because he actually didn’t care how persistent she was on saying that she was okay and he should go home – he wanted to stay with her for the night.

Flashback…

 “Jongin-ah—”

“What did you just call me?”

“Jongin- I mean, Jongin oppa,” She corrected, immediately covering with her hand. She forgot that he didn’t like it when she didn’t call him ‘oppa’. His reason was childish enough – because he was the boyfriend and he enjoyed her addressing him ‘oppa’ like that. She then looked up to see his expression and burst into a fit of laughter almost immediately. He was sending her a glare but instead of being scared, she found him so amusing that she couldn’t help but laugh. “… Why are you pouting like that? Stop it! It’s weird!”

“Your fault!” He argued.

Still chuckling, she added, “Oh, and you should go back, oppa. It’s late.”

“… How many times should I tell you that I will stay here?” retorted him. He leaned closer to her and put his hand on her temple, checking her temperature. “… I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“But I am okay—”

“Oh, come on. Let’s not be airheads, shall we? Because I know you’re not,” He answered, ruffling her hair before sitting back on the chair.

She could only sigh in defeat. “Fine…”

Back to present…

She smiled at that memory. His stubbornness was one of the many things about him that she would never forget.

She also recognized she had a nightmare that moment and she, by then, found herself in his arms.

Jongin was about to sleep when he heard her making noises. He thought she was only sleep-talking, so he kept watching her with hope she would mumble some cute stuffs. But when she began tossing and turning in her sleep, it was then he realized she was having a bad dream. He instantly moved from where he was and rushed to the other side of the bed, taking the empty spot beside her.

“Wake up, baby. It’s just a dream, shh— wake up.” She was waking up to that voice that night.

“Jongin-oppa—”

“Shh, It’s okay, baby.”

Even though at the moment, it was only about Jongin – whose shirt was wet from her tears – trying to shush her sobs, trying to coax her, she felt like his presence himself had a calming effect on her. The way he wrapped his strong arms around her, the way he kept her close to him, the way he patted her shoulders and whispered that everything would be alright – she never felt that safe before. It was amazing how he could make her to feel that way.

And his embrace. It was like the most secure haven for her. It was perfect.

From that time, she knew where she belonged to.

She wanted to stay like that forever, if she could.

“Kim Jongin, you idiot—”

… Hong Yookyung eventually reached the point of breaking down.

She promised herself she wouldn’t cry her heart out again.

But this was how she always ended up like.

Pitiful.

She stopped right before the gates, eyes sweeping over the view around her.

It was almost like a habit now, for her, to go to this place – twice, or sometimes three times in a week when she just wanted to visit him. She would always bring a bouquet of flower that was very special for the two of them. She once said that she was never fond of the roses and he was puzzled to find out that she didn’t like them – he thought all girls loved them. He wasn’t that romantic for a guy, he admitted, and he had no clues at all about flowers. But since she told him that her favorite flower was azalea, he began forcing himself to give or buy a small bouquet of it for her – simply because he loved that smile on her face when she saw azalea. Even though he didn’t admit it, she knew he began to love that flower too.

Holding the bouquet tightly, she preceded walking and entered the cemetery area in no time. She passed one, two, three, and more rows of tombs before arriving where his was.

“Hello, oppa.”

Smiling softly, she set down the azalea bouquet on the grave. She didn’t say a word and merely put on her best smile. She stood deep rooted to the ground as cool breeze blowing rather gently, the coldness seeping to her pores. She quivered a bit, however stayed unmoving, only gazing at the grave. She read the words chiseled on the cement, taking extra time to spell out his name.  No matter how many times she visited his tomb; it was still hard to believe he was up in Heaven now, along with her mother and other souls. “How are you?” She continued. “Are you doing well there?”

No answer – of course.

Another smile appeared on her face as she bended down to brush off the dirt on his tomb. “You’re doing well? Good, then! I’m doing great as well...”

“I hope you’re not bored that I come here again.” She let out a soft chuckle before sitting down next to him.

She was huffed for a while. “… By the way, it’s your 100 days now, right?”

Flashback…

“… Yookyung-ah, I want you to be calm.”

“What is it, Sehun-ah?”

“Please be—”’

“Just say it.”

“Jongin– he… he got into a hit-and-run.”

She felt like the time had stopped when she heard the news. Sehun might like to joke around but he knew the right time when he should joke or not. And this, this was not definitely a good topic at all. She knew he wouldn’t lie about this kind of stuff. As soon as she ended the call, she immediately exited her room and dashed to his sibling’s room. “Oppa! Oppa!”

She tried to turn the knob but it was locked from inside, as expected. “Oppa! Open up!” she yelled, knocking on his door harder.

The door finally opened, revealing a guy with light brown locks. “Aish, what is it—”

“Where’s the car key? I need it!”

“What— No! Where—”

“I have to go, Minseok oppa! Just give me that, okay? Jongin got into an accident!”

“—What?”

After the little argument, she finally let Minseok, her older brother, to come with her. He insisted to accompany her and be the one who drove, first, since he knew she wasn’t a good driver. Second, he was worried something might happen if she drove by herself like this, looking all wrecked.

“… Are you okay, Kyung?” He finally questioned when they were at a stop, waiting for the traffic light to change into green color.

The sky was gloomy that day – it was raining hardly all of a sudden and thunders began clapping loudly. She, who was afraid of the lightning, didn’t even jolt at the sound of it – she couldn’t even recognize the rumbling voice a bit. She couldn’t hear her brother, too. It was like every voices came out as voices in the background. She was too lost in thoughts – and all she was thinking of that moment was only him and his condition. Never once she had been this worried of him.

Then it came – the thought of him dying.

“Tch– Why are you thinking about that, Yookyung?” She exclaimed at herself, surprising the brother with the sudden outburst. Her brother could only eye her in confusion. “Damn, can that car go faster?”

“… Hey, Kyung. Did you hear me?”

“What?” She spat.

“Are you– Never mind.”

Minseok noticed that she was looking anxious throughout the drive, barely staying still. She kept stomping her feet, obviously impatient. She continuously made noises with her teeth, clenching and unclenching them. She never actually stayed put.

The car finally entered the hospital curb in no time. “We’re here. Pull over,” Yookyung commanded and Minseok could only comply her request. She practically jumped from the car and sprinted to the emergency unit as fast as she could.

“Kyung!” Someone suddenly called her, recognizing her presence.

“H-hey. How is— Is he okay?” asked her, slightly panting, as she tried to gain strength to run to the taller guy. He was Sehun, his and her best friend for years. It seemed like he was the first person to hear about the accident.

“We still don’t know…” He sighed, looking to the surgery room direction.

“R-really?”

“They’ve been there for quite a long time already.”

“Oh—”

“Yookyung-ah!” She then spotted a woman in her early fifties walking closer to her. She immediately recognized her and without words, she enveloped her into a tight hug.  It was his mother. She didn’t want to cry but she couldn’t win against her emotion at the moment, as tears began b on the corner of her eyes. “Auntie,” she mumbled softly as she patted his mom’s back, trying to calm her down. “It’s going to be okay. He is going to be okay.”

Even she knew that she didn’t sound reassuring and convincing enough to herself.

The door to surgery room eventually cracked open; a figure in green suit came out afterwards. Jongin’s mom was the first one to rush to the doctor’s side. “Doc, how is my son? Is he fine now? Is he—” Yookyung was standing behind his mother, still comforting her as best as she could.

The doctor was hanging his head low.

Yookyung was afraid since the doctor was still in silent, unable to answer the woman. She finally looked up to see the doctor’s expression. “Doctor, how is—”

“We are truly sorry, Ma’am. We tried our best.”

Back to present…

She thought she would be able to spend her first Christmas with him.

She even carefully planned everything beforehand, making a list of possible places to visit and things to do together. The first thing she would do on the Christmas Eve was going to the church to hear the priest’s preaching and take a prayer. She would literally drag her unreligious boyfriend to go with her if he still refused her offer. The next day, she would visit his house and meet his family before asking him to go back to her own house and introduce him formally to her father and brother. He cringed when he first heard her request, imagining how awkward it would be meeting them, moreover after hearing how protective the two towards Yookyung. After that, she would like to go on a special date with him to the Lotte World and exchange gifts with him at the end of the day.

Even at the thought of it, she was excited.  She just couldn’t wait for that day to come.

But the plan bailed out, because he couldn’t – would never make it.

Began with a sudden, unexpected phone call and ended with a statement that left her world crumbling away.

She looked up to the sky and stared at it unseeingly.

It was the same sky she stood under when it happened. The difference was that it was darker and cloudier back then, like the sun never rose at all.

That November was probably the worst and coldest winter period she ever went through.

And without her knowing, tears found their way down to her cheeks once again.

Flashback

February 14^th, 2014

She merely leaned on the wall as her eyes wandered to everyone who was waiting at the backstage. She silently studied them, watching how their bodies shaking in both anticipation and nervousness and how they would clasp their hands to pray to God endlessly. It was a nerve-wracking moment indeed, as it was getting closer to the time when the MCs would announce the winners of the singing contest. The Arts and Music Department of Cube University always conducted the contest every Valentine’s Day, thus making it a special event for the college students.

She checked her phone and found a message she had yet to read.

From: Happy Virus Jung Eunji

Good job out there! What was it like standing on the stage? Nervous? 8D Kekeke~ I wish you’ll win today! Hwaiting, our Francesca! <3

She chuckled reading the context and immediately sent her a quick reply. It will be really great to win, honestly.

“Yo, what’s up, guys?” She shot her head up when she heard the voice of the MCs, followed by loud cheers from the audience. The group of contestants then moved from their current places and hurriedly took steps closer to the stage, curiosity and excitement filling them. She was the only one who stayed still at her position, waiting patiently for the result. She felt anxious, too, all of a sudden. It was just about time.

“Nervous, Yookyung-ah?”

She couldn’t help but to flinch when a figure suddenly stood next to her, appearing out of nowhere. “You-You’re startling me, Jongin-ssi.”

Jongin laughed and brought his hand to pat her head carefully. “Sorry, Yookyung,” He mouthed. “And stop calling me ‘Jongin-ssi’. It sounds so awkward, you know? We’ve been classmates since high school, right? Just drop the honorifics. ‘Jongin-ah’ will do. ”

 “O-okay, J-Jongin-ah.” Every word that escaped from her lips became stutters. It was not helping that he was around her and being friendly with her. He is just being nice, Yookyung.

“You’re stammering,” He said again, stating the obvious. “Cute.”

Did she just hear it right? Did he really just call her ‘cute’?

She could feel that her face heating up and sooner or later her face would turn into deep crimson in color. All she wanted to do was to bury her face in her palms and to be anywhere else but next to him. Everything he did caused her feeling something that was definitely familiar for her. Her heart began pounding crazily, in beats she couldn’t keep up. There was other sensation where she got these butterflies in her stomach too. Her actions became more careful as well, because she didn’t want to look silly in front of him and make bad impressions about herself. The way she would speak was a bit different as well; she would end up stumbling over her own words when he was near. It was weird, a good weird, though.

“… I really hope you will win, Yookyung-ah,” added him suddenly, giving her a wide grin.

“Why?”

“So I can congratulate you properly.”

She glanced at him, sending him a look. “I don’t understand.”

“Like this.” As soon as he ended his statement, he smiled sweetly at her.

“One.” He arched his back forward. “Congratulations on winning.”

“Two. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“Three.” He leaned closer to her, their face separating by only two inches now. “I love you, Yookyung-ah.”

The girl widened her eyes in surprise – it was a response Jongin was expecting. “So, four…” And without warning, he closed the gap between their faces and landed his lips on hers.

“… Will you be mine?”

Back to present…

“… Did you know that I felt like I was going to collapse that time? And no, I wasn’t exaggerating!”

“It was like the happiest day in my life. I won the contest and you… You even confessed to me.” Her lips curved upwards now. “… It was like a dream. A beautiful one. I couldn’t even sleep. I was too busy thinking, recalling what happened… Between us. It was too- I don’t know… Unreal? ”

It was silence again. There was a smile on Yookyung’s beautiful face, as she began to replay those moments in the past that she cherished the most, the ones that would stay in the back of her head despite anything. Forever.

She used to regret everything. How she should never meet him in the first place and how she shouldn’t be so foolish to fall head over heels for him. Because if she never knew someone named as Kim Jongin, she wouldn’t have to be like this – that she wouldn’t have to go through this kind of pain. She still remembered how crazy, how she resembled a zombie after he was gone.

Soulless.

Lifeless.

It took time, really long time for her to realize how wrong she was. “What would have happened if we never met at all?” That question suddenly hit her. She wasn’t sure either. She couldn’t even imagine herself without him and him without herself or picture herself being with someone else and him with another girl. Because she knew they belonged to each others. She and him. Together. No matter how some people disapproved their relationship.

She was happy before she met him and she got even happier when they were dating. He was the source of her happiness, her energy. Why she was smiling, why she was blushing, why she was worried, why she was mad. Those mixed up emotions which led to one answer, in which Jongin was the answer she was looking for. He was the only reason. She didn’t know if there would be someone, other than him, who could make her to feel that way.

Then again, no one understood the depth of someone’s heart.

He was the one who changed everything. Just when she thought nobody could ever enter her heart like Jongin did, he did. Just when she thought nobody could make her happy like Jongin did, he did. Just when she thought nobody could make her feeling so loved like Jongin did, he did. Just when she thought he would give up on her, he didn’t.

Lee Sungyeol didn’t.

The best friend who secretly had special feelings for her. The one who never stopped loving her.

“… Oppa.” She looked up at the tomb again, her smile was bigger. “I have something to confess.”

The wind once again blew to her direction.

“I have moved on.”

Her tone was firm and full of confidence.

“Maybe… Maybe you will hate me after this… I don’t know. But yes, it’s true. I have found someone else.” She went into a pause before adding, “his name is Lee Sungyeol. You know him, right? I introduced you to him before. And he is—”

“… Here.” Her ears perked up at the sudden voice.

She then turned her back to find a figure walking to her. “I told you to wait for me in the car, Yeollie oppa,” muttered her.

“You took so long,” He half-complained.

Sungyeol said nothing and only grinned, as he walked closer to Jongin’s tomb. He stared at it for a while before setting down a small bouquet of flower. It was another azalea.

 “What do you think you’re doing—”

“Quiet,” He instructed, cutting off her words.

She was confused but obeyed his request, eyes watching the other curiously.

“Hello, Jongin-ssi. I’m Lee Sungyeol,” said him, bowing. “Nice to meet you again.”

“You must be wondering why my face looks familiar to you now, correct?” He paused and then gave a quick glance at the only girl before shifting his attention back to the tomb. “Yep, that’s right. I’m her best friend.”

“And now, boyfriend,” he added.

Sungyeol didn’t see, but Yookyung was smiling upon hearing it.

“It’s really awkward standing here like this, do you know that? I just– I just want you to know that you don’t have to worry about her anymore. I promise you, I will protect her and always be by her side until forever, if God lets me. I will make her happy and smile everyday. I won’t let her fall any tears, except the happy ones. I will be the best boyfriend that I can. Better than you if I can,” said him with a chuckle, earning himself a glare from Yookyung,

“What?” He blinked innocently at her and she only rolled her eyes as a response.

“… Hmm, I guess that’s all, Jongin-ssi?” He smiled. “We’ll visit you again some other time, okay? We have to go back now.”

“What— I don’t want to go!”

“It’s going to rain soon! You want to stay here, become drenched, and get sick because of it?”

She pouted her lips, unable to talk back at him.

“Come on, chubby. Let’s go.” There was a sly smirk on his face, completely contented that he won the arguments. When the other didn’t make a move, he walked closer to her= who was crouching on the ground. He pulled one of her arms and wheezed, “Come on, Kyungie. I promise we’ll go here again tomorrow, or whenever you want. Okay?”

“… Arasso,” She eventually agreed and rose to her full height, dusting off the dirt on her jeans.

“See you soon, Jongin-ssi.” He beamed, raising his hand to give him a casual salute.

“… Sungyeol oppa, you’ll go first, okay? I want to—” She didn’t finish her sentence and merely glanced at his tomb.

The older arched one of his eyebrows, questioning her action but then understood. “… Okay.” Just like that, he left first, giving her another private time.

“Don’t worry about me anymore, okay?” She convinced him again, smiling widely.

“… I’m happy now. How about you, oppa?”

---

N/A

Oh em gee, I finally posted this~

What do you think?

I’m attempting to write this to be so angsty,

Does it fail?

Does it even make sense?

Lmao, I don’t know.

And sorry if there’s any wrong grammars or anything

Hope you guys can share your thoughts about this and comment~

And oh follow my twitter?

Okay I shall finish this stupid rant~ Bye bye~

Ps: I can’t believe I update all my three fanfics today.