I wasn't angry when I saw it.

Contrary to your belief, I wasn't angry.

It was on Siwon's computer, he had left it open on the kitchen table. I don't think he meant for me to see it, because as soon as he came back to the kitchen he ran over and slammed the laptop shut. No difference though, the damage was done.

I sat in the main room for a while after, thinking. I could feel Siwon watching me cautiously, furiously typing away on his keyboard. You hadn't come home yet, not that I expected you to. After something like this, you'd probably be held back at work. Or with your family. Or with her.

They tried to speak to me a couple of times, passing Hae, you okay? or Hae, if you need anything, we're here for you. I didn't take them up on those offers, though. There was nothing to say. Really, you made that clear long ago. Any hope I was hanging on to really was worth nothing.

It's been over a year since you left. I stopped counted a couple of months back, I gave up. Remember how I tried? I kept begging you to let me explain.  Flowers, letters, glances, lingering touches - nothing worked.

You left me over a rumor. Over several. I figured that was never really the full reason. I heard you crying sometimes, when you thought everyone was gone. Yesung heard you too, and he told me. They worried about you, said you weren't yourself. Remember, even the company figured it out? They had a little bout of insanity over that. Made us tone everything up. I know that hurt you. It hurt me to, so I'd imagine it hurt you.

I tried to explain to you every single day, explain how I was sorry, explain that nothing was going on and that I had always been true to you. My love was pure, and wouldn't change. But you would slam doors and hang up phones, walk in opposite directions or plug in headphones. You didn't want to listen to my reasons. That's why I turned to asking you why.

Were you afraid? Scared? Were you worried that we would lose our positions as idols, lose the respect of our friends and families? Were you too shy, too scared to fully commit? Was the pressure too much, having to work as hard as you do and keep this secret too? I wanted to know why. I know you, better than anyone in the world, and I know it wasn't pure distrust that broke us apart.

But you never answered me, not once. So I stopped asking. I stopped trying. I kept up the facade on stage, I'm sure I will still have to, but offstage...everyone noticed how cold we got. We never announced us getting together, or falling apart. But I think everyone could guess.

It's horrible admitting this, but that glimmer of hope never left, for me. You know, sometimes I'd feel your eyes on me. I would pray your hand grazing mine wasn't accidental. I'd look at all those photos online and say, hey, they could be right. Why give up hope? So I didn't. You were always solitary, living in the dorms or with your parents. I figured that maybe, just maybe, one day you could forgive me. That you too were waiting for the tide to pass so we could go back to before. I would have liked that, I would have accepted that.

But then this happened.

I'm not angry. I know you asked Siwon if I was angry. I'm not. She's a lovely girl, really smart and kind. A bit weird, but then again, aren't we all. You fit well.

But I can't say I'm happy.

You should have told me, you really should have. I don't know what you were thinking, telling everyone but me. I guess I'm deaf, blind and stupid, to not figure it out. I thought all the teasing was a joke, like how they used to tease the two of us. I thought the comments on varieties and radios and the looks were just for fun, you and a new friend. I had guessed if something like this were to happen, I'd be one of the first to know.

I never stopped considering you my best friend. Through the hardness and difficulties, you were always still my best friend. I still went to you when I was down. On the anniversary of my father's death, remember, I snuck into your room and cried for hours? You didn't say anything, but you comforted me. Same think when Jungsu-hyung left. You were always there. I confided in you, every time, after you shattered our illusion of happiness. I never stopped being your friend.

Yet you didn't warn me.

I had the glimmer of hope, every day. I didn't stop loving you, I hung on to every remaining memory, hoping that maybe you'd come back. I listened to all your radio broadcasts, watch all your varieties, everything, looking for a slight mention, a glimmer in your eyes. Sometimes I'd see it, other times not, but I hung on. I hoped to see love reflect in your eyes, ever remaining and ever lasting.

I know now, though, and so does everyone else. There's no going back. You've taken that hope and thrown it on the floor, shattering it. I can't fix it. I can't stop my heart from hurting and my head from spinning.

To think I'd thought that maybe you still loved me. To think I'd thought we had a chance, we had a hope for a future.

Hyukjae, you just told the world we're never going back to before. And it hurts. Everyone knows now, every single member and friend and staff and crew and fan and anti and...everyone.

I liked hoping. But now there's no hope.

Looking at this, now...are you happy? If you are, then be a man. Be the man you couldn't be for me. Don't let her go through what I've had to go through for over a year. Questions, doubt, hope - don't let her have these false ideologies about love.

Because I do love you, Hyukjae, I really do. But now you're forcing me to accept you'll never love me again.

I'm done trying to mend what can never be fixed.

a/n: that was very difficult to write! i have complete respect for all super junior members and IU, and i hope that this will pass. they are adults and can do whatever they want, and i hope their companies allow them to have such freedoms to date and love and whatnot....but my shipper's heart is still a bit torn! so this was a coping mechanism, because the idea of eunhae is just too adorable to ignore! if they date, dated, or had nothing happen, nonetheless i love them together and i love writing about them! i'm like an unprofessional authour so this is just creative liscensing i guess, not my idea of the truth because i have no idea what's going on! just seeking our inspiration where i can! anyhow...hope you enjoyed this, despite the angst and heart-break!