“I can’t be with you anymore.”

I watched his eyes grow wide in shock. He stuttered, “Y-you’re kidding. You can’t do this.”

“Myungsoo, please. Just stop. You’re making this harder than it has to be.”

As I watched his eyes begin to water, I felt my heart break even more than before. No matter how much I loved him, I knew I was causing him trouble. I can’t stand in the way of his dream.

“Gohee, I love you.”

“Well… I don’t love you.” I looked away.

I turned around and began to walk away. He grabbed my hand and said, “Wait! I’m sorry, Gohee. I’m sorry. Please, don’t leave me.”

I released my hand from his grasp, and walked away.  I thought of all the memories we had together.

Our first date. It was awkward, but it was memorable. We had gone to the park, and on the way there, our walk had been filled with silence. The both of us were suffering from the nerves, and neither of us knew what to say. Despite the awkward start, I soon saw hints of Myungsoo’s… unique personality. Although, it was a huge factor for why I fell for him. I loved the fact that his stoic appearance sometimes contradicted his personality. It deceived many people into thinking he had a cold personality. However, he could have been considered an ice prince. Sometimes he would remain silent, but usually his thoughts are filled with quite odd ones. Even though I spent so much time with him, I still can’t read his thoughts. He is silent, and he only speaks when he needs to say something. Sometimes they’re blunt things but usually for the other person’s benefit.

Another memory was the day I introduced him to my parents. He was quiet, like usual, for the most part, but as as soon as he showed his smile, he was able to melt my parents’ judgmental minds.

He was always there for me. I never was great at school and had many moments of discouragement, but there he was, like always, acting as my knight in shining armor. Whenever I stressed about school, he would help me study and stay over at my house until 2AM. And with his help, I was able to easily pass the tests given to me.

For our first anniversary, neither of us remembered it. In fact, it wasn’t even until a coupe days after until we noticed the date, but we still decided to celebrate the forgotten anniversary. We had a picnic in the park, took a stroll downtown, and then watched the stars. To be honest, it still remains on my favorite days.

Holiday or birthday gifts were easy for him since most of the clothes he wore were either black or plaid. The gifts he would get me would always be the most peculiar gifts. I remember for one birthday, he gave me a cat toy, but it was a very cute cat toy.

Time spent with Myungsoo was valuable. There was never a moment that was filled with annoyance. There were silent moments, but those moments were peaceful. Just being around him calmed me.

Then the day came. He told me an entertainment company recruited him, and at the time, I was so proud of him. He had finally found his path in life. I was extremely happy, until he began to get busy. He was so busy that I could only talk to him twice a week if I was lucky. I was never able to spend quality time with him anymore. But that wasn’t the problem. Myungsoo would come and meet me occasionally, but it was usually late at night.  The only problem I had with that was that he was spending the time he needed to rest on me. He ignored his own needs. It was apparent he was missing out on sleep.  The most noticeable day was when he fell asleep with his head on my lap. I didn’t have the heart to move him, so I sat there until he woke up.

However, the stories he told me were amazing. He told me about the other six boys he was grouped with. Despite the number of boys, he was the second youngest one. I had asked if he was intimidated by any, but rather, he felt a subtle brotherhood beginning to bud. Although, he said there was one fellow who had gotten on his nerves just a little, Woohyun. He said something about being airheaded and too much aeygo.. There was also another boy who had bonded with Myungsoo especially. Myungsoo described him to be quite immature, even though the guy was older than him. Lee Sungyeol was the name.

Most days, he came to me in the worst of moods. He was overworked and tired, so I understood where it was coming from. And I would rather have him express himself to me than hide it until he breaks down. It didn’t help knowing the fact that most days he was struggling to get the choreography down. His debut date was nearing, and he had to perfect it.

I consoled him as much as I could and hoped that it would only last for a short while. I couldn’t stand watching him feel miserable as he was. But more frustration from Myungsoo came along. There were many moments in time where I wanted to tell him to stop and that it wasn’t worth it. But I couldn’t. We both knew in  the long run, he would be happy with the outcome.

It wasn’t until he began cutting practice to see me, that I felt extremely guilty. As appreciative as I felt, I couldn’t allow it. I didn’t want to serve as the distraction that would one day become and huge obstruction. I thought we could create a balance, but we couldn’t.

The problem was not that we grew distant. I was getting in the way of his dreams. The time he could and should have spent practicing or resting for his debut, was wasted on me. I constantly told him he needed to practice or at least rest, and that I would not get lonely. However, he saw through me and continued spending his time with me.

His debut was in a month, I didn’t want to be in his way when he needed to focus. I would do anything for him. I would sacrifice anything for him. If that meant losing him, I would do it. And this was the time I had to leave him. As of the moment, he did not belong to me anymore. He belonged to his dream. If I wanted him to be happy in the end, he need to focus on nothing but his career. 

At one moment in time, our timing fit perfectly, but fate changed its course. We may encounter each other again, but as of right now, I can’t allow myself to be with him. No matter how much my heart wants him, my mind knows I will only ever be a burden.

All these blessed memories caused a tear to drop from my eye. I had kept my mask on for too long, and it finally cracked. Myungsoo called out to me. I stopped in m tracks but did not face him. If I did, I would have broken down right then, and everything I sacrificed would have been worth nothing. He said, “I’ll come back for you. I know why youre doing this. I know you too well, but remember. You are mine.”