Everything was quiet around me. The whole world was silent as if it was waiting for something to happen.

It was weird. All my members were asleep, we all were too tired; we just changed and got in our beds. Today we were too quiet. We usually have a laugh and fun tweeting each other, or mention funny emotions even if we are in the same room. I could hear their breathing in the silence of the night. They were asleep. I couldn’t sleep. My mind was wide awake, I sat up and looked around, both of my members I talk to, were asleep.

Taking a deep breath I got out of bed and walked around the dorm.

I felt like suffocating, I needed fresh air … or something.

Pacing some more in the dorm quietly, I just went back in the room and stealthly, wore my jacket and went out of the dorm.

With my hands in my pocket, I walked on, aimlessly to be exact. What can I do at midnight when everything and everyone is asleep?

I looked around and saw. It was strange to see everything so hushed. I couldn’t even see a leaf moving. It felt like a dream where everything is so strange and out of ordinary. Trippy to be exact.

I couldn’t go to the clubs to get wasted, one: I thought it was pointless, and two: I won’t get in since I didn’t had my ID with me. So there was nothing else but to walk the feeling off.

My mind and my heart had been pressed under the burden of guilt, jealousy, or was it regret or maybe it was love? … I really don’t know. I had to get this sorted out. It was making me feel like something strangling me or choking me gradually yet powerfully.

I realized the smell. It was the fresh smell of earth, I looked around then up at the sky; it was cloudy but it wasn’t raining. But I could still smell the earth. It was so refreshing. Tears started to build up as I remembered how I used to enjoy the simplest things around me and now … it was so hard to enjoy them. I didn’t even notice them any more, let alone find joy in them. Lowering my head, I kept walking. Trying really hard to keep my tears back from flowing as they threatened to escape so vibrantly.

Keeping my eyes on my shoes, I tried concentrating on where I put my feet at, I could see them, but at the same time I couldn’t. Vision started to get blur, I couldn’t see my shoes well, I couldn’t see where I was putting them anymore. I gave up.

I gave up, letting my eyes close; I kept walking. 

I was trying to find my center but the more I tried, the more everything was shaking inside. Suddenly, I saw the flash of light with my eyes closed. As I opened my eyes while freezing my steps I saw, one more step and I would have fallen in the pond. I was at the park. Looking around I saw the same result. Empty, silence, restless yet resting. Walking to the nearest bench, I sat down as the song kept playing, it was our song “I’m sorry”. and Broken on repeat.

It’s so funny and ironic that we sing songs, we put feelings into it, and yet when the time comes.... we find listening to the song and find it more meaningful than it already was. Pulling my feet up on the bench and hugging my knees, I stared at the stationary state of the water. I kept staring at the water, trying to think what I should be thinking, but I came up being blank. How did this happen to me?

I could hear the leaves now, I looked around and saw a cat passing by, and I wondered if she was as anxious as me. Keeping my gaze towards the water again, I rested my chin on my knees, flash back started to pass by in my mind, as much as I wanted to block them out, they kept pouring in, before I knew it, my vision got blur again. This time I could feel the drops going down my cheeks. The first time we hung out, the first time we kissed, everything came back in flashbacks as evident as the crystal clear water. Holding my knees tightly, I closed my eyes as more tears started to fall.

Whenever I see him, I fall in love all over again, I was the one who messed it up, and I was the one who broke his trust according to him. How was I supposed to know he had fallen for me, when he was the one who told me to take it really slow, how was I to know that not getting much time with him and spending time my friend would actually make me remain waiting for him. I was waiting for him, but … I needed him, and I had to wait for him all the time. No one saw me hurting at that time. Just because I smile doesn’t mean I am happy. I smiled and behaved like it’s not a big deal because I didn’t want him to be known as a bad boyfriend. He was the one who told me we should end it because I deserve someone better and yet when I was broken and my friend was there to support me, if I slept with my friend, how is that even such a big issue for him to begin with.

I admit I started to fall for my friend instead, because he was there to catch me when I fell.

Is it really a bad thing to fall for the guy who is there to catch you when you fall everyday while waiting for your own boyfriend?

I felt disgusted by myself for what his friends made me feel. None of them helped me talk to him, or make him see how sorry I was … instead I was made feel as if I was a . I lost belief in love, in trust, in honesty, in everything I lived for.

Looking at the water, I frowned slightly as I could clearly hear him say my name “Sohee ..”, putting my hands on my ear I shook my head, I can’t hear him. I cannot block out his voice. This is not supposed to happen. My friend didn’t meet with me after that, it made me more pissed and more disappointed.

I really was nothing. I was worth nothing. Was I really not worth fighting for? How am I supposed to believe in myself and feel confident when what I see is that I am left here all broken, all alone to be healed? Smile appeared on my lips when I thought like that, my smile turned into a scoff, then chuckle, I laughed at myself, at the state I was in.

This was just too funny. Well, it was just funny to me.

I couldn’t stop laughing at the state I was in just because of guys … love … trust … honesty … feelings…  I kept laughing but had to stop when suddenly I felt a drop on my cheek. Blinking, and looking up I saw the rain drops as the cloud decided to laugh at me too, I heard the rumbling of the clouds. It was laughing at my stupidity for believing things I was told. It was turning out to be funnier, I was being laughed at even by nature, and I couldn’t even tell if the cloud rumbling was actually laughing at my state or the rain was crying with me over my stupidity.

I don’t know how much I laughed and I don’t know when I started to cry, my tears wouldn’t stop flowing, it was like agony flowing out, it felt I haven’t cried in ages, but that was wrong.

I had cried this much yesterday and the day before that and before that …

I have been crying trying to let it out, but it felt like I was lost in labyrinth, where no matter how much I tried I was gonna be stuck there, going in circles, going around with no hope of exit.

I was trapped inside myself.

I need escape route from it but the question was how?

Everyone told me time will fix it. But how much time will I need to get out.

Every day it choked me, everyday it made me live like someone was ripping me from inside.

I see him; it hurts to know I can’t be in his life.

I see him and it burns from inside to know he won’t trust ever again, the look in his eyes makes me fall in the pit of blackness that was larger than the black hole itself, that was more vast and scary then the darkness itself. The fear he would be happier with another girl makes me feel like I’m walking on a hot flamed bars that I feel the burn inside. The tears couldn’t stop and it was suffocating me more. I needed a hug but every hug I got was useless. I couldn’t ask him for a hug, his hugs made me feel protected, and his hugs made me feel whole. I can’t ask for those hugs. I don’t want him to break while helping me build up. It’s been days since I saw him. I can’t meet him since the feeling gets stronger every time I meet him, even though I try to cover it up with the dress I had weaved out of my smile, which fooled people around me so perfectly.

As I looked up at the sky letting the rain fall on my face, my body shivered from the chill the wind was giving, but still I didn’t feel cold.

How could a dead person feel cold right? I felt dead from the inside, I felt like I lost all my warmth I had, that I used to transfer into others with my hugs.

I hugged my knees tighter, but still my body shivered.

Quiet pathetic.

It made me cry more, I can’t keep myself warm, how could I keep other warm with my hugs. I could hear the rumbling of the clouds as I could hear my sobbing over it. Why was my sobbing louder than the clouds rumbling? This was not supposed to be right, yet it seemed right.

After a while I could feel the rain slowing down, as my tears started to dry up, I still cried, never thought I could be this broken, never thought I would be a burden on myself. It was yet another night for everyone, warm and dry, in their beds whereas it was another night for me to be drying my eyes out.

Tomorrow will be another day, smiling and putting on fake smile, saying fine and fooling others that I am doing fine, then another night where I cry it out and dry my tears again. I got up all soaking wet and dragged my dead inner-self back to my dorm. It had been the routine for a few days now and I wonder … how long it will be like this. I really wonder  .....

Will I be able to get out of the Labyrinth,

I wonder will I be worth the fight to keep,

will I be really be the one that someone would hold me and tell me it’s alright I am here to put you together and actually stay as my other significant?

Will I really be able to smile again without contradicting my smile with my feelings and my heart?

Will I really have my trust back in trust, love, and hope? I miss you boy but I miss myself more.

Will I really be able to smile and enjoy the simplest things like hugs, earth smell, chirping of the birds and laughter with my friends and members?

 Will I ….?