Like a withered flower at the start of spring
Also flees like a shadow, then quickly disappears with no remain
For most people
Word love is always used for a beginning
But for me
It’s our ending
I open my eyes as I realize my left cheek is attached to the cold floor and my body has laid in fetal position. I feel my body ached at some parts once I shift and try to move my hand as it is pressed under my stomach and attached to the floor for a whole night. I don’t clearly remember what time I drifted to sleep last night. The after effect of drinking alcohol last night gives a headache as my reward. I am too lazy to sit so I stay with this position for a moment.
I look at a clock and calendar on the wall beside me. It’s 11 am. I straighten my body then stir myself to look at the ceiling. I sigh. Too lazy to go back to my untouched bed and continue to sleep. If tears can’t wash my pain then a very long sleep could let this uncurable take some rest a bit. Eventhough it’s not forever because I am too scared to end my life. Because of the sin I did, I doubt I deserve a heaven for after life.
I leave some empty sighes before gather myself and go to the bathroom. I wash my face then look into the mirror. My eyes are distinctly swollen because of too much crying last night.
“I Loved You”
I gave out a low chuckle from my throath. I can’t believe it’s actually been said with my own mouth. I said it in past tense. As like I was saying a final goodbye to him. Love. It’s a forbidden word for both of us. He’d never say ‘I love you’ to me. Not like I waited for that because me too didn’t have any courage to say that words to him. It’s just like an unwritten rule between us. It’s like we had been cursed and lost the right to say those words. Those happiness crumbs on a thorny road that I have hardly collected, now scattering down through my fingers.
“Come here just to have a last with you? Do you think of me all this times are like that? With all what happen between us... You’re so cruel, Lee Sungmin...”
I scoff and mock myself for hoping his words meant he valued me more than a partner. How he could say that when the time for us to be separated will come soon? Why didn’t he pity me by saying less cruel words like ‘I don’t need you anymore’ instead of saying those ambiguous words.
I rub some liquid that appears sliding down through my cheek. I am fascinated how I can still cry when I had almost cried a river last night. I thought I was ready whenever this separating came in time. I told myself I would bear any consequencies from this kind of relationship. I even promised myself that I would smile in our separation. That I would try my best to hold back my tears to come because I wanted only my smiling face remained in his memory. Scoffed. Easy to think, but difficult to have done.
(door bell’s ringing)
I wash my face again then rush to the front door to know who’s come to visit. There’s a slight hope that he will comeback to me but I quickly shake my head and shoo my thought because it’s impossible.
I take a peek through a small hole of my door. As I recognize who the person is, I let out a low chuckle. Yes, it’s impossible. At time like this, he shouldn’t have come. I thought he had gave up his feeling even might find me disgusting after found out my affair. I don’t want to open the door and pretend I am not at home. But his smile, like a drop of dew for a withered leaf.
“Min—Minho-shi... why do you come here?” I ask after I opened the door.
He smiles widely to me and shows some small paper in his hand “JJAJAAAAN.... I got some discount vouchers to an amusement park!!”
I wish I have a magic pen
So I can draw a curve smile on your face
the pink blushed on your cheek
then I’ll find a magic eraser
to wipe the pain in your heart away
and craved my name on it
Just like I said before, I won’t give up. Well, I may do if he look way happier but those eyes never lie. His smile and his heart may scream he’s okay but not his eyes. I am not acting like a prince with a white horse here. Definitely not (So don’t look at me like that).
“Min—Minho-shi... why do you come here?” His voice wakes me up from day dreaming. I smile immediately because my mom said smile was my charm so I smile as wide as possible.
Then I show my hidden weapon ““JJAJAAAAN.... I got some discount vouchers to an amusement park!!”. I said it with much excitement. But as soon as I see his eyes, they look swollen. I am sure he was crying last night.
I really want to ask about what happened but I know he won’t say the truth. Beside, I don’t want to ruin this day’s mood as my mission today is making my adorable hyung to be happy.
I don’t need more time to wait so I give the ticket to him quickly “You have to go with me. It’s a celebration for my winning match, Hyung. Believe me, it’s gonna be fun. You’ve never go to amusement park for a while, right?”. Oh my god, I hope I didn’t sound so demanding.
He becomes silent for a moment. I start to rub my both palms begging “Please...”. He doesn’t answer yet. Should I show my aegyo? But I hate aegyo!!
He chuckles a bit. Thanks God, there’s no mirror here because I feel I look like a babo now “But, Minho-shi. This discount is only for high school student”
I smirk then take something from my bag “Tadaaaaa.... I borrow a boy uniform from my friend. I think it fit your size.”
He looks at me and sighes “Minho-shi, I am sorry I can’t. Beside, how if the employee right there find out because it doesn’t fit my age“
I shake my head “No. I don’t think they will find out. You have a young (baby) face, hyung”
I hold his right hand “Just Minho, hyung. Please call me Minho only. I know you have a hard time right now but can you just forget it for a while and jump back to your past days when we didn’t have anything to worry about but play?”
There’s a pregnant silence for a moment between us “Maybe I have no right to ask you. But believe me, I’ll never judge you”. I stare at him wishing he can see through my eyes and find my sincerity not a pity.
The moment when he didn’t answer back is such a torture. I really hope some CF in television could come out of the blue so my heart can take a break for a while. But a sli