“Luhan.... is that you ? What happened ? Are you okay ?”

No answer.

“Luhan, answer me ! Why are you like this ?!”

Still no answer.

As soon as I started to walk closer to him, he started to get farther than I thought. He’s slowly fading away, getting away faster than my legs could run.

“Luhan ! Stop ! Where are you going ?! Tell me what’s wrong ! Luhaaaan !”

And then it hit me. I was dreaming. Waking up sweating like crazy, my chest heaved up and down as though I was chasing him, who was still sleeping soundlessly beside me. Four days. Four days I kept dreaming about him. And each day, I woke up feeling the same thing like this.

“Chaeyeon-ah, are you okay ? It’s 02.30AM.... You and I both have errands to do early in the morning”, he said as he shifted out of the blankets with only his shorts and black wifebeater, making his way to the fridge.

“How could you.... I dreamed about you leaving me, and you can still say that ?”

Completely taken aback, Luhan walked back and sat beside me. He caressed my back as his eyes softly gazed at me. I stared at him back in return before shifted a sigh looked into the distance. Out of nowhere he said, “Remember when we first met, you said I looked like a lost kid when I did this?”, he made me faced him and then he enlarged his eyes as if it was about to popped out.

“What are you doing ?” I chuckled.

“I’m making puppy eyes”, he childishly stated.

“You did good without trying, love”, I said as I intertwined our hands and he continued,

“You know, when you said that I have those eyes, I was kinda shocked. No one has ever said that to me before, that I looked like a child..”, suddenly he laughed and continued,

“But nonetheless, I became a man in your eyes. I’m not a child that you saw two years ago. As time passed, I’ve changed. I became a man, just so I can protect you. I ma acted childish, but all that I id was to tell you that I’m here. I’m here to protect you”. His gaze intensified as his hands cupped my face and pecked me gently.

“I’m sorry, okay ? I didn’t mean it that way. I know that for the last few days you’ve been dreaming about the same thing, me leaving you. What you need to know, is that I won’t leave you. Don’t ever think about it, not even a simple ‘what if’. I may not be with you because of my schedules, but I’ll never leave you. Wo ai ni~”, he said as he hugged me lovingly. My nose quickly picked up his sweet scent, his warmth completely enveloped me even though the air conditioner was cold.

“Hhhh... I’m just too afraid of losing you. I usually have these things every time someone from my family’s goinna leave... as in pass away. And now I’m having it again, moreover it’s about you. I just....”, I started to sob.

“Ssshhh... Don’t cry... Believe me I won’t leave you, okay ? Like I said, even though my physical body isn’t with you, I’ll always be there. Don’t worry, okay ? I love you so much, how can I leave you silly ?”, he said as he chuckled then he hugged me again.

That was 4 months ago.

And now here I am, in front of his grave. He said he won’t leave me, but he eventually did. I told him that I had a bad feeling about his flight, but he didn’t believe me. My insides were burning with sadness, that if it was a bomb, it would’ve blown hard. As everyone else gone back home, I stood there, looking down at his name engraved on the stone.

Luhan. My Luhan. My stupid, cute, handsome, babo Luhan.

Tears started to form at the end of my eyes. It looked like the sky was mourning long with me. Soon the rain started pouring down, engulfing my silent screams that I’ve been holding along with it. I cried my lungs out as I crouched beside his gravestone, blaming myself for dreaming such stuffs. How I wish I had one more day to spend with him. How I would miss that sweet after-shower scent of his.

Suddenly the rain just stopped. I looked up, only to find Yixing was holding an umbrella upon us. I wiped my tears as he crounched down.

“You know, he do left you things. Memories, feelings—“

“Stop. I want real stuff. Stuff that would remind me of him, of his presence—“

“I’m not finished yet, Chaeyeon. He left you a letter. He gave it to me right before his flight. I told hm to just give it to you personally, but he said he’s afraid he couldn’t. Along with the letter was a red box which you’ll have to find in your room.”

Unable to spoke, I took the letter from Yixing’s hand and stared at the envelope.

To : My Dear, My Love, Hwang Chaeyeon

His handwriting... His doctor-like handwriting that I always found hard to read, that I always complained about. Usually I couldn’t read them, but somehow this time, I felt like I could read them easily, like reading my own handwriting.

‘Chaeyeon-ah, you know who this is right ?  Kekeke ^^ How are you ?’

“Miserable”, I said answering the question.

‘Eeeeyyh, I know you would say miserable. I know you too well. By the time you’re reading this, yu probably still crying right ? Don’t cry, my dear. You know I can’t see you cry. Well.... I really can’t. Get it ? Hahaha it’s not such a good joke huh ? But at least I made you smile, aren’t I ? Eeeeeyy~ you’re smiling right now !

I’m sorry for leaving you so soon. You may think I planned all this, but I didn’t. Sooner or later, I’ll have to leave  you because of my illnes. This, I must say I’m sorry again. I assume you already knew, cause by the time I got my lab results it was already opened.

You should know by now that I have a brain cancer. I don’t know how, but it started around 2 years ago. Yes, that was the time I met you. At that time, my doctor said I may have cancer in my brain. I chose not to believe it, cause I still wanna live. My dream, my friends, my life, I don’t wanna lose them.

But then I met you. A petite girl under the cherry blossom, holding a camera on your hands. I was speechless when I saw you. Of all the people passing by, I couldn’t  see anyone but you. Your smile, you’re sweet-looking, and how petite you look mesmerized me. I couldn’t help myself not to say hi to you. I would’ve embarrased myself if you didn’t reply me that time. But you did. After that we saterted going ut, remember ?

That was the time when I said to myself ‘this is my reason to live. I’m going to live for her. But she must not know how long I can be with her’. At that very moment, I know I want you to be mine.

And you did.

I love you so much, my Hwang Chaeyeon. More than you ever know. So don’t cry okay ? Smile, cause you may not know whom you might help with it. Don’t overthink things, cause that’s what you usually do. Move on, live your life to the absolute fullest. I’ll always be here for you. Just close your eyes and I’ll be there. I love you, Hwang Chaeyeon~

P.S. : You’re  sick right now, aren’t you ? Please, get better, for me. I couldn’t go to the other side if you’re sick like this...’

I suddenly realized that my temperature’s rising, just like what he wrote. I reopened the letter with dizziness in my head, this whole ordeal was too much for my mental state.

When the ER confirmed him deceased, I got on my knees and I feel my chest slumped to the very deep, I’m suffocating. Luhan used to tell me that I got sick everytime someone close to me was hospitalized. I guess that I’m sick now, all because of him.

The media were trailing along all day, and they surely had seen me around. Scandal raised as  they thought I was someone he hid from the media. It was so bad, that I have to made an official presscon about my being.

That was it.

My tears came down harder than before. I sobbed real hard, as if my lungs were giving up on me. My head was spinning, I couldn’t see the letter clearly as I slowly hugged it and cried my lungs out. I was on the verge of blowing up, that Tao had to drag me into the car and drove me home. I didn’t want to leave Luhans side, but they insisted, saying that Luhan wouldn’t want me to stay there. Of course he wanted me to, he loves me.

‘No, I don’t want you to’

Eh?

‘What’s wrong ?’

It can’t be... I must be hallucinating. I’m hearing Luhan’s voice.

I looked around, trying to find the source of my hallucination.

‘There’s no point to look around, sweet heart, cause youre not going to find anything. Look into your room and you’ll find me.’

It was like my body was cast under a spell. I followed Luhan’s instruction. I walked up the stairs and turned right to our room, only to find Luhan, holding a red box just like what Yixing told me.

‘Hi dear, miss me ?’, he said, putiing on his sweet smile that always managed to melt my heart.

“This can’t be. You can’t be real... You’re gone. Dead. I—“, my eyes began to swell up with tears as I saw his figure blurred in front of me.

‘No no no don’t cry ! There’s no need to cry, my love’

“How can I not cry when I miss you real bad, huh ?! How am I suppose to stay calm when I see you here ?!”, I bursted out at him and made my way towards the veranda in our room.

He sighed and walked to the veranda, trailing behind me.

‘Baby... My sweet baby... Can you please look at me ?’, he pleaded.

This was it. He knew very well I couldn’t resit him calling me baby. With a sigh, I turned my body to him as wind blew a few strands of my hair.

‘When you think I’m not real, that’s when your heart knows I’m real. Don’t doubt your heart, sweetie....’

With that, my tears came rolling down my cheek. There, another sadness came again. As I was going to turn away, he held my face in his hands and wiped the tears away. Only God knew how much I missed this feeling, how he would hold my face every morning....

“I miss you, Luhan... I miss your laugh, your sweet loving smile, your tenderness, your loving care, and I even miss applying eyeliner on to your eyes. I miss everything about you.”

Tears began to roll down to Luhan’s fingers. Eyes tightly close as I savor his touch on my cheek. I hold his hands, feeling like I didn’t wanna let it go. Luhan then smiled and kissed my lips tenderly. I could feel his soft breathing against my face.

‘Don’t cry my dear... It hurts me when you do. Smile, cause someone’s waiting for you to smile like you always gave me. Now wipe your tears and changed your clothes, there’s someone waiting for you outside.’

“But I don’t hear any—“

DING DONG !

Then the bell rang. I couldn’t believe that he knew someone’s coming. I got up my bed and told whoever it was to wait and got back in to our. But all I found was the red boxy lying gracefully on the bed, with no presence of the man who gave it. I stred at the box for a while, afraid of what was going to be inside.

I ran downstairs and quickly opened the door.

“Good morning, Chaeyeon !”

“Oh, Yixing gege ! Please come in ! Make yourself at home.”

“Uhmm actually, I’m going to ask you out. Luhan said I have to get you out of the house when you’re sad. In fact he wrote me a letter too.”

You came to a halt across the room. Shocked, you turned around and walked slowly towards him.

“A letter ? He wrote one to you too ? M-m-may I see it ?”, I said stuttering as I unconsciously touch my chest, in case it decided to popped out of me.

“I thnk I have it with me... Ah, here you go.”

I quickly grabbed the envelope. There... In front of the envelope, another writing of Luhan’s fingers, written boldly I think with a pen. It was different from the one that he gave me.

‘Dear my best friend, my roommate, Zhang Yixing’

Tears began welling up on the corner of my eyes. But then the writing was gone in a blink of an eye. I looked up, only to find the envelope on Yixing’s hands.

“I’ll let you read them if you’ll go to the bathroom immediately, take a shower, put on some nice clothes and perfume, and then go out with me. I’m ordering you, now go.”

“B-but—“

“No buts ! Now go ! You have 30 minutes to do all that, or you won’t see this letter ever again and you’ll remain curious until you die.”

“Aaaaah okay okay ! Jeez gege ! Don’t you go anywhere, arasso oppa?”, I said as I ran as fast as I could upstairs, not looking back even a bit.

“Oppa... Hmph, that silly girl. I’m sorry that I lied to your girl, Luhan. You told me I had to.”, he said while looking up the sky outside from the window, hoping that somehow Luhan heard him and forgave him for what he did.