It had been early afternoon when Sehun found himself brooding over the ambiguous relationship he had seen his brother share with Jongdae. It was the uncertainty of the truth that made his will waver and his body tremble, palms sweaty in anxiety as he tried to wipe them off the rough canvas of his jeans several times, lest his brother sees the traces of the cryptic hesitation ruling his demeanour. He tried to conflate myriad of conclusions into one picture that made perfect sense, yet he failed to collect the key puzzles that could embody the rest into a final conclusion, into a story that could explain it all without leaving loose ends.

Sehun took in a sharp inhale of lavender scented air, getting up from the comfy couch and deciding to seek out his brother.

He had found him clearing his cluttered desk of papers, tossing the unnecessary ones away into the trash bin and stacking together the rest. Even though the door were open, he still clutched his fist and touched his pale knuckles briskly over the cold wood, the acute sound bringing Joonmyeon’s attention to his little brother standing in the doorway.

His eyebrows frowned; Sehun never knocked.

-“Enter.” Joonmyeon offered with a lazy gesture of his hand, his ears picking up the rustling sound of door creeping over the polished floor and clicking when closed, Sehun’s lanky form finding its way to sit on Joonmyeon’s unfolded bed.

It was certainly unusual how quiet and composed Sehun was. His bubbly nature and sharp tongue were but a scarce memory now and were replaced by his fidgeting form, Joonmyeon’s eyes narrowing to slits as he rested against the edge of his desk and watched Sehun staring up at him with eminent interest and worry welling in his deep eyes.

With inquiring gesture of his hand, he urged Sehun to pierce the ice and tell what was on his mind, obviously disturbed or afraid by something.

-“Bro…” Bro? Joonmyeon thought, all fire alarms immediately creating an acute cacophony of dissonant sounds in his mind. Sehun never called him ‘bro’. He could feel himself tensing up, body suddenly rigid as every muscle contracted and cramped, leaving him as an expecting and uneasy mess of a person. His palms equally sweaty as his brother’s, he pulled closer the chair near the desk and sat on it, his posture easily giving out his trepidation as he took in a sharp inhale he masked by soft coughing and gulped hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in result.

-“I have to athk you thomething.” Sehun continued, intertwining his fingers together and rubbing his palms as he tried to picture himself a way how to convey his thoughts into words or actions that could explain to his brother what he meant to ask. “Pleathe don’t get mad.”

Joonmyeon’s handsome features hardened, countenance but all terrified of what dreaded question Sehun had, awaiting the wretched moment when he will hear it. Sehun fidgeted, mumbling unintelligible and barely coherent words until he took in a deep breath and stared straight at his brother, his pleading gaze locking with older’s quivering one.

-“Jongdae…He…” Joonmyeon took in a sharp inhale, air stuck still in his lungs, “Do you two…date?”

His world fell apart. He could almost hear the stone encasement placed around his warded personal life he so desperately tried to shield away from intruders fall apart, shielded from all those that could possibly sully the very idea of having his own Shangri-La, his utopia that was Jongdae. It cracked, line by line, stone by stone, shard by shard – and then it exploded, leaving him vulnerable and damaged, exposed to all the cursed vultures covered in gore whose beaks poked and prodded at his flesh in curiosity to find a secret or two. He wanted to scream and shout, say it out loud, but his better sense of judgment said no to the thought. Not because he was unwilling to spill truth to his brother, but because he was incapable of voicing it out. He had yearned secretly to tell someone of his relationship, merely to have someone to share his joy with, lest he drowns himself in it, but he was so very afraid of doing so. He was afraid to look people in the eyes and say: “Yes, I date a man.” Joonmyeon could already picture Sehun’s face contorting, disgust prominent on his young face as he runs away from his brother’s room in fear of the monster he became, of a creature so easily giving himself to love unaccepted by society, of loving another man.

Silence took over, cradling them in her safety.

-“I…” Joonmyeon tried explaining, words failing him.

-“Jutht…Nod or thake your head, you don’t need to thay it.” Sehun replied quickly, almost snippily as he looked around the room, obviously disturbed by the revelation. If it were a false assumption, Joonmyeon would’ve been on his feet by now and would have spluttered a myriad of profanities at him for daring to so, in a manner that no one should dare to make, but his brother was silent, fidgeting, and Sehun just knew without Joonmyeon voicing it out what his answer was.

Joonmyeon’s head fell to his chest and he lightly nodded in confirmation.

-“I thee.” The younger mumbled almost dispiritedly, clutching at his worn sleeve. Where is your audaciousness now, little brother? Where are your arrant and complacent demeanour and your flaunting now? Joonmyeon thought silently in himself, mourning over the spiritless form sitting on his bed. Show at least anger to make me believe you do not loathe me for this. Wipe the dreary look off your face and scream, tell me you hate me, tell me that I’m disgusting. Anything, say anything, I cannot bear watching your decadent countenance that pities me.

Sehun looked up at his brother with eyes that spoke of traces of hinted disbelief as he composed himself, nodding his head lightly.

-“I alwayth thought you liked him…More than jutht a friend, that ith. You were alwayth weird around him, excethively happy and beaming. It wath thick to watch.” He laughed somewhat softly, watching Joonmyeon shift on his chair.

-“I disgust you.” Joonmyeon drawled out with dread eminent in his voice.

Sehun merely shook his head in denial, his meek eyes following the carpeted floor before they settled on Joonmyeon’s socked feet.

-“Not at all.” He looked up at his older brother, smiling with the tiniest notch of felicity etched on his lips. “I am happy for you, I really am, but I don’t know how long it will take me…to get uthed to it.”

Acceptance. Sheer acceptance ridden of all and voiced bare was all that he could ever possibly ask for. Not even understanding, but mere acceptance. To be still considered a family, not thrown out, not chased away or pushed aside, to be still treated as equal and no different despite most likely integrally disgusting the other, that was all he ever desired.

Sehun got up from the bed, it creaking in complaint at the sudden shift of weight, his narrow form fidgeting and standing somewhat unsure of what to do or say anymore.

He pulled at his sleeves, scratched the back of his nape and exhaled, brooding over what to ask.

-“A-are you happy…with him?” He tentatively asked, brows furrowed slightly as he tried fathoming the couple together.

Joonmyeon nodded bashfully, delicate hand coming up to rub his neck to ease the strain as he mustered all of his strength to look up at his brother.

-“Good.” Sehun nodded absentmindedly, letting out a soft aspiration. “Good luck, big bro.”

You’re going to need it.

After that Sehun never brought up the topic of the two ever again. Whenever Jongin came over to watch TV because his parents banned him from all electronics until his grades turn to a brighter side and he found it cute to tease Joonmyeon, mostly with adultery jokes including him and Jongdae, Sehun would immediately punch him in a manner one could deem by far from a friendly hit. Even though it was mere flapping of arms around, Sehun hit like a girl with true man’s strength, for sure.

He’d give Joonmyeon a knowing look that said ‘get the hell out before he manages to say anything else’, urging his older brother to leave the room and busy himself with something else.

Jongdae came over often, most of the times meeting Jongin’s bloody presence stretched all over the couch and lazing around while Sehun kept smacking him with a makeshift club made from rolled newspaper at every unnecessary stupidity he uttered.

Sometimes they would all together watch the movies, usually Jongin’s pick, but sometimes when Sehun’s and Jongin’s bickering would exceed the limits of endurable, the other two would sneak their way into the kitchen and stuff themselves full with food and drinks before running up to Joonmyeon’s room to play games.

It always ended with the older one losing, though, much to his hurt pride.

-“Ah, it’s cold, where are you dragging me to?” Jongdae complained like a little child, pouting his pretty lips in a cute manner to draw out the whereabouts of the spot Joonmyeon wanted to take him to, seemingly without much success.

-“You’ll see soon.” Joonmyeon tightened his left hand around Jongdae’s brittle wrist, securing his hold around it before he pulled them faster along the road. It was Sunday, their last day. Neither wanted to think of it that way, neither yearned for the night to come and Monday morning to rule over the stars adorned canvas once again, announcing their unwanted parting. Joonmyeon promised to see Jongdae off, if at least for a bit, even if it meant cutting classes for one day.

Even though he felt guilty for going along with the plan, Jongdae liked the idea of Joonmyeon turning a hooligan if even for a day. It made him chuckle complacently.

Their path winded around the narrow and wider streets more times than Jongdae could possibly fathom, limbs already sore and tired with passing time. They crossed streets, avoided myriad of parked cars, even got lost a few times due to Mister Incredible’s incredible sense of direction all until they stopped still, feet covered beneath a thick layer of snow as they gazed forwards at an ivory expanse of white that was a beautiful park now lavished in snow, its clearness and whiteness such a bold contrast to their vivid coloured clothing.

Jongdae stilled his ragged gasp, more from exhaustion and tiredness than actual surprise as Joonmyeon wordlessly continued his trek into the snow, seemingly steering towards a paved path that has led from the pavement into the park across yet to be lush greenery, beckoning with a decadent twitch of his hand for Jongdae to follow him.

-“Joonmyeon, I’m tired and my legs hurt.” Jongdae said somewhat snappily, his brisk voice edging on irritation with every transpiring moment he had spent urging his limbs into motion. “Let’s take a break for a bit.”

Joonmyeon stopped abruptly in his tracks, the vibrant vividness of his coat standing boldly out against the alabaster canvas spreading behind him, Jongdae’s eyes immediately catching a glimpse of mirth dwelling in those deep, complacent looking eyes.

-“It’s close from here Jongdae, just a little bit.”

The addressed boy let out a tired sigh, face but dejected looking as he buried his hands attacked by biting cold into his pockets and buried his nose deeper into the welcoming warmth his scarf proffered him with, mumbling unintelligible nonsense as he followed the older boy without paying much heed to where they headed off to. He snapped to reality once his eyes, fixated firmly onto the white cover of snow in front of his feet that marched almost without him thinking, caught sigh of Joonmyeon’s still boots emerging from the blankness, followed by the rest of the young man once Jongdae lifted his head up.

With a hand stretched out and offered, Joonmyeon patiently waited for Jongdae to approach him, kindly asking for his eyes to be closed as he will take the liberty of leading him the rest bit of path ahead that awaited them, his body clandestinely shivering in raw excitement and a bit of complacency as he observed Jongdae slowly moving form. A bit unwilling and stubborn that he was, it was almost a fruitless battle the one that Joonmyeon led that tried to make Jongdae comply with the aforementioned request. In the end, after a bit of snappy and irked comments, exhausted as he was, Jongdae finally closed his eyes and stretched out his arms, a bold and satisfied smile creeping up on his face as the corners of his bow shaped lips tugged up at the fervent and electrifying touch of Joonmyeon’s hands exuding almost sinfully pleasant warmth.

With body facing Jongdae, it was quite painful and strange for Joonmyeon, to speak of the least, to try and turn his head around as much as his body allowed him to, slowly with staggering feet moving both of them towards his desired destination.

-“Okay, slowly now.” He warned Jongdae who, seemingly, did not let that smile wipe off his face at all. “Step ahead.” His feet slowly ascended on the raised wooden platform, helping blind Jongdae to follow him suit without tripping. Unsure and full of uncertainty, Jongdae outstretched his leg and tapped his foot around until he felt the hard, sturdy platform in front of himself, tapping a bit more until first foot, swiftly followed by second, stood firmly on the wood beneath it, eyes eager to open and take in the sight of his surroundings.

-“Wait, not yet.” Joonmyeon warned him, hands quickly coming over Jongdae’s eyes as he managed his way around other’s body, gently pushing him with his chest forwards until they stood in the middle of the wooden platform with pillars supporting the roof above them.

-“Alright, you can open your eyes now.” And his delicate hands lowered, his warm touch still bashfully lingering on Jongdae’s lids.

Fluttering his eyes open, Jongdae had to take his precious time adjusting to the sudden surge of light invading his vision, seemingly unable to discern anything that surrounded him but the immense and ungraspable whiteness expanding ahead. Once able to truly see, he slowly drank in the horizon of snow covered trees whose ivory branches grew upwards, straining to touch the sky they admired so much, the heaviness of snow not disturbing them in their goal even the least. It was an aesthetically perfect work of Mother Nature, an image so pure and divine, so lush in abundance rare had the ability to see. The calm surrounding them was almost painfully silent – it allowed them to count each separate heartbeat with preciseness and admire their own insignificance in the world surrounding them that was so diligent in being dissonant and imperfect, blooming with cryptic dreariness in the dulcet beauty.

-“It’s pretty.” Jongdae softly chuckled, feeling unusually giddy for someone who praised his own cool-headed nature. Joonmyeon slowly, a bit tentatively and unsurely, hugged him from behind, resting his face in the abundant softness of Jongdae’s scarf.

-“I know.” The older softly replied, wrapping Jongdae in a tighter hug that said unspoken tell tales of yearning and hidden want to have him for as long as he will breathe, to feel Jongdae’s warmth, such an ethereal epiphany, wherever he goes and to hear that mellifluous voice cracking with laughter and shake with amusement.

-“I will really, really, miss you Jongdae.” Much of it Joonmyeon locked in his own wooden chest with a sturdy and rusty lock keeping it closed, afraid that too much emotion would make him crumble and disappear in the river of tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. He had never been so scared of anything before, for never had anything meant so much to him. All his yearning, all his desires and hopes were embodied in Jongdae, in that very thin and attenuate form that shook lightly, barely noticeably in his arms. A young man he deemed impeccably unaffected by such matters shivered in fear in his arms, dreading of being separated and left alone to roam in a land where no one would understand him, both his thoughts and words.

-“I hate this.” Jongdae spoke through clenched teeth, arms wrapping around Joonmyeon’s that rested on his waist. “But I guess I will have to live my life like this right now.” And then he chuckled, voice opulently drenched in sordid scorning for his life, full of sardonic sadness woven into his words as he let his head hung low, eyes closed lest they tear up.

-“Wait for me.” Please. But, he left the last word linger in the air as if on a thin thread, too afraid to appear like a begging mess of a person he truly became. Joonmyeon softly kissed his nape, causing him to shiver in response.

-“Don’t worry. And we’ll email each other every day, and you will send me photos of your home and school and neighbourhood and…everything, no matter how long it takes for you to come back.”

Slightly reassured, Jongdae smiled, albeit faintly, he smiled due to happiness prodding at his insides and giving him hope that perhaps that promise will come true. Yet, knowing that lives have their own current and their own path, a lingering sense of doubt clouded his mind and he couldn’t suppress the sudden fear of being forgotten by Joonmyeon; or even by far worse – of forgetting Joonmyeon.

His lower lip quivered, his posture barely shaking as he tried standing on his own two feet without succumbing to the heavy and revolting grief, but the amiable warmth Joonmyeon exuded was in truth his utter bane, the very reason he felt so vulnerable in the beginning.

Being delicate with his actions, he let his hands carefully lift Joonmyeon’s wounded one and encircled the brittle alabaster wrist with his refined fingers, feeling its unbearable cold seeping out and biting sharply at his skin.

-“Does it still pain you?” He softly spoke, providing warmth for the hurt wrist with his hands.

-“I’m getting used to using my left hand for majority of things, but not as much now as it used to. I still don’t know how to tell it to mom and dad though… They will be disappointed.”

-“But you will, won’t you?” Intercepted him Jongdae sternly, the hand albeit barely, strengthening in its hold. “You cannot hide this for long without them suspecting.”
He had turned himself around, welcomed by Joonmyeon’s chest and arms that secured themselves around his narrow waist.

-“How do you think you and I would be like if I didn’t have to leave?” Jongdae softly murmured against other’s ear, eyes aimlessly staring into the blankness of snow ahead, chapped lips parting for a gush of hot air to dissipate in the icy winter breeze.

-“Happy.”

And a single tear embodying all of his hurt and despair trickled down a marble cheek as Jongdae’s response to Joonmyeon’s answer.

He had come to learn that Joonmyeon’s gentle hold was more reassuring than any other word, than any other possible gesture he had known existed and even though he felt at ease, for the first time in a while, he couldn’t help but to feel anxiousness creeping again, like a silent predator slowly approaching and baring its teeth, as if to rip him apart. The pain, insufferable, maddening pain corroded his bleeding insides and slithered nimbly past the long and deep cracks of his stone defence, crushing it to naught and rendering him speechless a mere moment after.

Joonmyeon could hear Jongdae’s soft and sordid crying and choked gasps against his ear, but afraid he too will succumb to his own insanity that clawed its bare claws at his mind, he dared not open his mouth and try to comfort the other with mere words, for they amounted little in such dire situation. Instead, he hugged the other as tightly as possible, giving him a wordless promise that he shan’t break no matter what. Joonmyeon will wait; wait for Jongdae no matter how long it takes, for it was no more love that chained them together in a thrall of mundane emotion such as love; it was something by far more ethereal and divine. It was an emotion so sublime and unsullied by mankind, so pure and clear that it possessed no word to be described with for it was far above that. It was a special kind of need; not the one that yearned for touch and satiation of physical needs, but one that yearned for the very existence of the other, a need that spoke of love like something necessary to live, as if love was the very air they breathed and the very vibrant and fiery blood pumping in their veins.

Need like such left them utterly devastated.

-“I’m going to miss you so much, Kim Jongdae.” Joonmyeon softly whispered, bare fingers bitten by cold latching at other’s thin frame desperately, substantial grief trying to voraciously gorge him down not abating in its firm decision even a bit.

Jongdae’s eyes stared blankly ahead, almost vacuous appearing as his body grew torpid and tired, mostly supported by Joonmyeon now as he became painfully silent, not even a single cry escaping past those pale, morbid lips anymore, sewn by a thread of poisonous hurt.

For someone as young as them, growing up came faster than anticipated and both tasted the wretched taste of bile that accompanied it, learning that honey and milk are but rarities for those that suffer the consequences of growing older.

Joonmyeon gently threaded his fingers through Jongdae’s silken locks, separating them apart as to look deep into other’s murky eyes that were red from tears spilt and running down those beautiful, albeit scarily pale cheeks that gave Jongdae a deathly appearance, a lone thumb running a gentle path down the lower lip and wiping away the tear that dared sully that magnificent and beatific countenance.

-“Forever.” Joonmyeon softly whispered, eyes gently following the contorted lines of Jongdae’s crying face.

-“F-forever.” The other choked out barely through a whisper, feeling his own sanity shattering to naught and leaving his unguarded mind a prey for madness.

When the time came for Jongdae to depart, Joonmyeon was there, silently giving him much needed support as the two of them exchanged shy glances and quiet conversations as Jongdae’s mother tended to some unfinished business on the phone. Joonmyeon was very much aware of what exact distance they had to keep in between themselves, lest Jongdae’s mother sees them in a way she should not, by no means. They were each other’s secret, a very valuable and treasured secret they wished to protect and keep it as such. There was a bit of a thrill that came along with fear of being discovered so perhaps that was the reason they kept it so hidden in the end, but neither was willing enough to suddenly bring the news out.

Not much was said, not much had to be said, for Jongdae treasured that intimate silence between them more than words. They shared a brief hug and a friendly pat on the back, eyes screaming in desire for a tight and warm embrace and a soft, warm kiss, yet naught of it happened. Joonmyeon watched with silent despair carved on his face Jongdae’s retreating form and the luggage he carried, the acute cacophony of sounds made by those wheels getting lost in the buzzing of the airport. He stood still as he watched Jongdae turning his head around countless times; every and each time looking undoubtedly sadder and sadder until it bordered on the line of barely being bearable to watch, Jongdae’s oblivious mother urging him to walk faster as they had a plane in hour and a half and there was still a lot to do before the departure.

In the sudden myriad of people, suffering from lassitude as he was, it took Joonmyeon quite a while to see what the indescribable contortion of Jongdae’s face meant. There, legs aimlessly marching forwards against the polished flooring while his whole upper part was twisted around to face Joonmyeon, was Jongdae mouthing unintelligible words, eyes lacklustre in barely visible sadness.

No matter how hard he tried, how much he focused, Joonmyeon was clueless as to what Jongdae mouthed all along, repeating the words like a never ceasing chant. It was a blink of an eye, a mere, swift moment that was enough for Jongdae to make a decision that undoubtedly switched the path of his life, yet for better or worse, he had yet to experience it. He hauled his backpack over his shoulder wildly, hand letting go of the suitcase handle that dropped on the floor with an echoing slam, startling Jongdae’s mother from her incoherent mumbling to herself, the young boy running back the same path he walked as if there was no tomorrow. His feet leaped off the floor, enraptured by his own affection for Joonmyeon as he diligently continued the same pattern of maddening stomping that came to an abrupt halt mere breath away from Joonmyeon who backed away in sudden shock, unprepared for Jongdae’s adamant hug that stilled him firmly in place.

It was then that he heard what Jongdae mouthed all along, now through rasp coughs and breathy voice both dripping with sadness and unmatchable affection:

-“I love you.”

 

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A/N:
Hello, carpe here ^^ I hope you enjoyed the story as much as I enjoyed writing it. It took me longer to finish it due to certain... unwanted circumstances, but with this done, I guess I'm going to take a break for a while until I come up with something new. This started off rather as an experiment, truth to tell. I wished to see how able I am to write a story focusing on emotions rather than dialogue, but I guess as it progressed, it lost its beginning touch and developed into something different. That's why I vowed not to write a chaptered story like this again because I'm afraid that it might steer too far away from my initial plan and end up as either a crack!fic or some angst-wannabe. 
Usually, I'd hate authors for leaving an open end like this one. There's no epilogue, nothing set in stone, nothing further explaining Joonmyeon's injury or when or if Jongdae came back in the end and perhaps it does contain a lot of loose ends, but seeing the way I imagined the story, I think an open ending like this leaves you with enough material to imagine your own ending without restricting it to anything.


THANK YOU
I wish to thank you all who have read the story and especially those who commented, for every comment made my heart thump wildly and made me giggle. Silent readers, big thank you to you too - any kind of support means a lot to me.
I hope this story was not a disappointment and that you found it enjoyable to read it because it belongs to a special place in my heart.
Thank you everyone! ^^