First love is innocent, naive and childish, but the truest of all. It starts when it is least expected and becomes a memory remembered all throughout one's life. It is ignorant and rushed, but truly the purest of all. It is inexperienced and at times, clumsy, but despite it all, it stays a permanent bond between the lovers no matter who or what takes their place later on in life. Rare are first loves that stay unshattered or unstained by betrayal, and even rarer that are remembered and wished upon later on in life, but despite it all, they are a permanent memory that stay etched in every mind. Clumsy and ignorant, this is story of one.

School, greatly loathed facility with only one purpose - to torture all living beings attending it, was a secret, unexpected sanctuary for Kim Jongdae, a boy with little principles and discipline when it came to education. It was not a matter of whether he was interested or disinterested in his future, more...there was something, a certain someone, who had the power of distracting him to that point that his mind, instead of focusing on the task given in his class, much rather pondered on that bright, earnest smile that could brighten up even the darkest of days, and those beautiful, dazzling eyes that could stop him in tracks just by grazing him with a single glance.

Kim Jongdae, boy raised by strict rules of his parents', was undoubtedly hopelessly lost and confused by his unyielding affection towards a single, most divine creature he has ever met - Kim Joonmyeon. He was already long certain of reality of his feels for the other, and could easily confirm it as love, albeit he at times still questioned whether it truly was love or perhaps it was just his own uncertainty and questioning of friendship. If asked what he loved about Joonmyeon, Jongdae would have to agree that he could not utter even a single word. It wasn't a matter of reality of his affection towards the other, but he would justify his answer with this: When you first meet someone, you are stunned and all you see about that person are its qualities. When you have a crush on someone, you see all the good sides, but you notice the bad ones as well. And when you are in love, there are two stages: the first one is the blind one, just like the beginning of affection - all you see are the good sides, and then there is the real stage where you accept the flaws and live with them, loving that person for what it is.

Kim Jongdae classified himself as the patient of stage one love, feeling his heart give an excess beat or two whenever that dazzling smile permeated his thoughts and made him pleasantly shiver.

When he first met Joonmyeon, he was profoundly confused, yet stunned. Seeing that perfect and restricted demeanor, my, he could swear that if he were to slap the other, he would receive a painfully crooked smile in return, the other trying to laugh things off casually as his cheek seared from the burning pain. That is where his affection started to grow. It was like a small, beady seed that he planted into ground that day. Watered and fed by their encounters, his affection grew from friendship into a healthy, albeit thin and small plant of crush that he harbored for the man. As the other was unaware of Jongdae's feelings, he continued treating him the same, thus resulting into a strong and blooming rose of love encasing other's fluttering heart that threatened to make him bleed with its spiked thorns, the pain of unrequited love too heavy to harbor.

It was then that Jongdae finally came to terms with himself, acknowledging the unusual nature of affection he bred, accepting it as natural as breathing, for he felt naught wrong with it. Yet, the longer he carried the burden of his heart, the harder it was for him to stay unbothered by it. He thought that perhaps, with time his heart will learn to forget about it and move on, for a love between men causes abhorrence and disgust among society, and last he wished to be known as was a lover of men, especially when he himself wasn't even sure if it were only Joonmyeon he ever felt like that for. Because, as long as he could remember, he was the first person Jongdae ever felt anything for. And what he felt could not be put into words. A feeling so strong and intimate it possessed no equal word to be described with.

Sun streamed through parted curtains, daringly exiting onto the crowded hallways and mingling in between the shadows of students running past him by, all having their smiles awry in delight as they ran after an escaped slipper used as a ball. He clutched a green carton of apple juice tightly in his hand, afraid it will slip out of his grasp, his fingers sweaty from anxiety bubbling in his chest. His eyes attentively watched every bleary sign hanging above the classroom door, looking for one that said 3-2, third year, class two.

Quickly catching the sight of it, he hurried in between the students to reach the doors, his head poking in to check the situation. Deserted. Just like a beach in winter, the classroom was looking icily cold and deserted. He pondered on the thought of just leaving the juice on Joomyeon's desk, but then he would present it with a questionable fate - either it would completely disappear without a trace or it would be completely devoid of all content, left carelessly withered on the desk.
He knew that Joonmyeon visited only three places during lunch break - library he had visited already, park benches set near the school entrance and his classroom. The classroom was the last spot to visit and he opted for visiting the library again because they could've missed each other in the hallway, but a timid and brittle touch on his shoulder, bringing his thoughts back to reality, stopped him from doing just that. He turned his head around to face the brightest smile of all adorning other's face, it radiating with shyness as his ruby lips parted to speak:

-"Would you mind, Jongdae? I need to pass."

Left still as those words settled in, wordlessly he moved aside, letting the other pass before quickly scurrying after him, sitting in front of other's cluttered desk even before Joonmyeon reached it. The chair screeched obnoxiously as he dragged it close, Joonmyeon's lithe body pressing against the backrest as he stared at the other, his eyes dazzlingly beautiful. There was a glimmer of light playing in his brownish hair, tiniest tint of maroon staining it, as his tresses swayed lightly on the breeze running through the open window, his face alit in happiness.
-"I brought you this." He quickly uttered the words, them rushed and slightly incoherent as he slammed the apple juice on the desk, slightly crumpling the carton with fingers. An embarrassed blush crept up his neck as he heard the other chuckle, their fingers brushing for faintest of moments as Joonmyeon reached out to take the apple juice, an electrifying sensation running up younger one's spine.


-"You're spending awfully a lot time in my classroom, some of my classmates already wondered if you were transferring to us or not from the amount of time you spend here."
-"Would you mind if I do?" Jongdae playfully asked, wide smirk splayed over his face.
-"Of course not." Answered the other, separating the straw from the juice and poking the entrance with the sharp end, bringing it to his lips. "But could you make up for a year in the school matter?" The question was lost somewhere along the line as Jongdae lustfully stared at the soft lips parting in a motion of taking the straw in between other's lips, his animalistic urges prodding at his sense and urging him to place his finger in the place of the straw. He wondered what would it feel like to be softly caressed by that tongue, to feel those lips against his own as they drown in a fervent river of love and affection now aimlessly crashing against the cavity of his chest.
-"...Dae..." .... "...Ongdae..." "Jongdae!"


His eyes snapping up to meet other's wide ones, he cleared his throat with a light cough, shifting on his seat. "Sorry, I got sidetracked in my thoughts."
-"I can see that." Murmured the other, taking another sip of his juice as he repeated the second question, one Jongdae did not hear at all. "My mother asked me if you were visiting again today since it's Wednesday. I think we left off at the property of liquids last time, didn't we?" Jongdae stared aimlessly at his friend for a second before he grasped the gist of the question, remembering the free tutoring he received every Wednesday by the other, glad for its existence. Despite them being a year apart, he was immensely grateful that the other did not refuse him when he asked for help, aware that he had a stressful year ahead of him himself, let alone find an extra time to tend to someone as helpless as Jongdae.


Truth to tell, Jongdae was not of an extraordinary mind - he was average, at best, but he possessed the will and stubbornness that helped him achieve all of his goals. Why, you ask, he decided to enroll school by far above his qualifications? The answer is simple, albeit to ignorant man, an unexpected one. He had no voice in the matter when his parents chose his high school, deeming it to be of his preferences and fitting for his knowledge, thus he was forced to enroll school he found to be sheer madness and without even a trace of sanity dwelling in it. If it wasn't for Joonmyeon who introduced himself as his senior first and helped him through the first few weeks of school, Jongdae wouldn't be able to survive on his own. That's when he first felt an unquestionable addiction for the man, for he couldn't imagine his daily life without the other - he became his most treasured thing, a welcomed obsession.


-"Are you sure I can come? Don't you have exams--"
-"Don't be stupid." Intercepted him the older male, waving his hand dismissively as he took a gulp of his juice, enjoying the mellow sweetness of the ripe taste of fruit teasing his taste buds eagerly, taking his time with drinking it. He always found it endearing when Jongdae bought him a treat like this, sometimes it was just a juice, other times it would be a candy or even a sweet bread and sometimes the other would go to such extent as to drag him to a cake shop and force him to eat sweets with him. His excuse was that a single slice of cake was too much for him, albeit not for his pocket, and that's why he needed Joonmyeon's assistance with finishing it. Jongdae often did questionable things, some that bordered on the line of what would one consider as a normal friendship. Sometimes, occasional teasing brushes of his hand or delicate hugs that lasted for a fleeting moment longer than appropriate were what set Joonmyeon's heart ablaze with fire whose source he desperately wanted to find. Those tempting, twisting amber tongues would daringly at his soul, urging his mind to think of improper and unchaste things he would like to do with those bold lips whose smirk drove him mad, of all the sounds they would let pass from his throat if he were to caress him cherishingly.

Indeed, Kim Joonmyeon sometimes questioned his own sanity as well.

Coughing at his juice, he quickly wiped his lips from the excess juice that slipped past the corners of his lips, frowning at how easily he could be moved by simplest of thoughts. Though as naughty as his dreams.


-"I told you that you don't need to hesitate. My mother already decided to make oritang stew for dinner since you like it so much, so it's a futile attempt if you decide to decline." Finishing his juice with regret, he tried to squeeze out another gulp or two, completely out all air from the carton container.
-"I'll come by around six then? You don't need to wait for me at the bus stop, I can already find my way around your neighborhood, so I'll be fine on my own." Jongdae answered, playing with the open pencil case on other's desk, rearranging the felt pens by the order in which they followed the color spectrum.
-"Alright then, you come by, we'll eat dinner and then resume with chemistry. Is that alright with you?" Flashing him a happy smile that radiated with such vigorous enthusiasm, even if Jongdae was firmly opposing the thought, he would've said yes upon the sight of it. Just nodding his head in agreement, he let his heart wildly thump in his chest cavity, a straining muscle trembling from the sudden gush of adrenaline and hormone rush filling his veins. He hated puberty.

Later that day, as he set his bag down by his work desk, he let his mind wander on the events that transpired in school, their memory slightly unnerving him as he tried to pry his mind off of the thought of those luscious lips parting as if they were to utter his name in sheer ecstasy. For all he was, he was captivated by the said boy. Even though his desire mostly seemed to be physical and could be explained as a result of ual frustration and deprivation of fulfillment of wanton desires, all he truly sought was other's presence and reciprocation of feelings. It was the most childlike desire of all. Aware of it, his fingers ached and trembled as his mind focused on the thought of Joonmyeon, him reaching out with his long, frail fingers and interlacing them between his own, their touch, albeit cold, a fulfilling and electrifying one. He wished that he could hold them freely like that, with no fear of being laughed at or accused. For a fleeting moment, he wished his love was not the source of abhorrence in men. To be hugged and caressed by the other, to feel those lips pressing against his forehead as they murmur a silent lullaby to lull him into sleep, was such want too much to expect? He was afraid, so much afraid that it was.

Spread on his bed flat against his back, he shifted aimlessly in search for perfect position, crumpling the once clean and tight set of covers and bed linens into a mess, finding no peace in his heart, managing to unsettle himself completely.

A resigned breath escaped his lips, his eyes tiredly staring at the ceiling, closing slightly as he tried to focus on that single smudge near the lamp hanging from above, hoping it would avert his mind from the boy he longed for. Unrequited love was the heaviest burden of all for someone innocent and young like him.

His mother hadn't asked much, rather, she placed his usual backpack he took to Joonmyeon's house every Wednesday on the coffee table, already packed with books and a new set of notebooks he could use to write in, lest he worry Joonmyeon with that.
Laughing bitterly at the sight, he only gave a court goodbye to his dad who sat on the couch opposite the table, his countenance visibly growing colder as he went towards the apartment door, hearing no reply. It was at times like these that he truly greeted Joonmyeon's home, knowing that there was at least someone caring for his presence there.


On instinct, his legs walked by themselves towards the faraway bus stop, his ears and mind separated from the outside world with a large set of headphones, their blaring white a contrast to the turmoil of his soul, the raging abyss of black that threatened to engulf him. As the bus arrived, he spared no glance for the driver as he pressed his card against the screen, quickly noting the amount of money left on it, before proceeding to look for an abandoned place somewhere in the bus, not wishing to be pressed against somebody else for the duration of the ride. Setting himself on a vacant place next to the window, he directed his gaze out, lost by the countless, ever changing sights of the world around him. People rushed by, their heads bent low as they either talked with or texted someone, a mob of creatures just mingling among each other, only respective diversity being their clothes. He wondered if, in such a busy world and filled street, people would notice two men holding hands together and talk animatedly, just like any regular couple does, and would they frown or disregard it as a play of eyes.

Sometimes, he indeed wondered about things that could be, if only he had the courage to voice his feelings. Perhaps then, those would be the things that would be.

Stop after a stop, somewhere absentmindedly he counted them. One, two, three...They passed so slowly. He immersed himself into the music soothing his ears, the familiar, calming tune of Tablo's Expiration Date ringing in his memory, the lyrics appearing solid in his mind.

On the eight stop, three stops before his, someone he knew very well entered the bus. The boy held two plastic bags in his hand, seemingly just coming out of a market, both bags filled with packaged sweets and juice cartons with almost no real food in it except for what seemed to be carrots and seasonal vegetable packaged together. Looking for no other place to sit but by Jongdae, the boy sat in the vacant seat by the absentminded looking one, seeing as he was not perceived, and placed his bags gently down, holding them with his feet when the bus started moving again. His hand fell limply by his side, brushing against Jongdae's fingers that twitched in recognition of the familiar warmth touching them and instantly relaxed, yet except for that, the other gave no signs that he noticed him. Deciding to be bold and brave, daring himself even, the boy meekly wrapped his long forefinger against other's pinky, the gentle tug finally bringing Jongdae out of his stupor. His eyes fluttered open, blinking confusedly as he watched the unmoving face and gentle eyes staring at him all along, finally satiating their craving for attention when his fingers clumsily grasped other's forefinger in a caring grasp.

Hello. He mouthed.
Hello. Replied Joonmyeon.

First love is clumsy, but earnest. It is childlike and akin to play, but it hurts the most. It is filled with greatest desires, yet is the wrenched heartbreak of all.
First love is truly innocent.

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To all who have subscribed, I thank you earnestly. This truly made me happy this morning when I got up and checked the story, I couldn't believe that people subscribed just based on the description. Encouraged by it, I wrote the first chapter of this story and I hope you will like it.

While reading this, I encourage you to (if you like) to listen to Tablo's Expiration Date Jongdae listened to as well, because it is such a soothing song with such profound meaning when you look at the lyrics it will truly leave you stunned.
Again, to all subscribers: THANK YOU! *squeezes you all in a hug* You have made my day.
 

image credit: asecondmoon on tumblr