It’s eerily quiet in the van.

Kangin glances at Sungmin, who is staring moodily out the window from the passenger seat with blank eyes, watching the cars speed past around them. His bangs- with no gel, mousse, or spray holding them in place yet- slip down into his eyes, which must be bothering him, but he makes no move to move them out of his face.

Kyuhyun is seated in the middle of the van with Ryeowook, with the small gap in the middle of their seats, and they both stare at the phones they’re holding in their laps. Both screens are black, hands are loosely gripped around the devices.

The manager hyung glances up into the rearview mirror and Kangin, from his seat in the very back, catches his eyes. He gives a quick smile and, when Kangin nods back with the barest tilt of his head, goes back to looking at the road that stretches on in front of them. The early gray sky barely illuminates their surroundings like it had done yesterday.

Shindong and Eunhyuk are uncharacteristically quiet, which brings the oppressive mood in the van down even more. They both slouch in their seats, Eunhyuk lower than Shindong, with chins almost reaching their chests and legs cramming up against the seats in front of them. Eunhyuk’s knee occasionally knocks against his when the van hits a bump in the road, but Kangin barely even registers it.

Just this once, no one tells them to fix their posture.

 

Kangin wonders if it was this bad when he left, and how the others are doing in the other van. It’s probably just as bad.

He mentally sighs, because sighing out loud would mean breaking the silence, and it just won’t feel right to break the silence right now.

The silence for their beloved leader.

 

 

 

 

Yesterday had been hard for all of them. He can’t keep the image of his hyung, smiling through the tears and continuously running his hand over his shaven head, out of his mind. That morning, they’d all been gathered into the living room and a few of them had almost burst out into tears right then and there, Kangin included.

Warm brown eyes had gazed straight into theirs, and then he’d made a promise.

“I will leave here today,” he’d said, “and come back in two years as a changed man.

“Don’t worry, I’ll still be the loveable, funny, awesome person I am now,” several other members had grinned along with him, “but I just want you to know that I’ll be a better leader, a better hyung, a better person who you can laugh with, cry with, dance with, and be with. I’ll be stronger and wiser for you guys, and just… I just…”

He took a shaky breath, and with glistening eyes he’d said, “I just want you to know that I’ll be thinking of you each and every single day for the next two years. I’ll be thinking of your smiles, your tears, your determination and hard work, all the good times we’ve had, the bad times, everything, because that’s what is going to keep me going through it all. I’ll keep track of everything you guys do and be so proud because I know that you’ll be doing so great without me here, and then I’ll work even harder so I can be back here with you guys. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine, you guys better be fine, because it doesn’t matter that we’re far apart we’ll get through everything together. As one. Because we are…”

“Super Juni-OR!” they’d all shouted together through teary-eyed smiles.

 

During the ride on the way to say their public goodbyes, they’d been happy, joyous, filling the van with noise and laughter. They’d relived all the fun jokes from the past and made fun of all the silly things they’d done and revisited the glory of all their greatest moments together.

They wanted the last real moments with him to be happy and full of smiles.

When they’d got to the site, they’d filed out of the vans and smiled at the sea of flashes and ELFs. Those who hadn’t been able to have a last van ride together gathered around him and shared some last happy moments.

Some last words and goodbyes had been spoken to the public and to the members, and when the time for goodbyes had finally come, they’d all started tearing up, because this was it. The next two years would be full of so many struggles on both sides, starting from right at that moment.

Kangin had realized what it felt like to be on the side being left behind, while his hyung had realized what it felt like to be the one leaving. It had been difficult territories for both of them.

One long group hug, one last “We are… Super Juni-OR!” together, and then that was it.

He was gone.

 

 

 

 

Two days ago, late in the night before he left, he had asked Kangin to sit with him at the kitchen table he wouldn’t be eating at for two years. They had sat together, in the dark silence, listening to the faint snores of the other members filtering through the dorm walls.

Then he’d asked in a quiet voice, “Will it be hard?”

Kangin had lifted his head to look at him, who was staring at a small stain on the table.

“The training? … Yeah. It’ll be pretty tough, hyung.”

Then Kangin had gone back to staring at the table again.

Two faint snores went by, then he spoke up again in that same, quiet tone.

“How did you do it?”

Kangin shrugged. “… I…”

It was then that he had realized that he’d never spoken about it to anyone. Not like he was doing now. For a moment, he struggled with the right words to express what he had for the past two years.

“It was hard… so hard… But then I thought of you and the other members, I guess. That was what kept me going. Knowing that I would get through with all the training, all the work, and come back to you guys as someone you could be proud of.”

A deep breath, another shrug.

“Simple, I know. But it’s really all that kept me going, hyung. It was enough.”

“… Will it be hard?” he’d asked again.

But Kangin knew it wasn’t about the training this time.

“… It was for me,” he said. It was almost a whisper.

“Not being able to be there for you guys when anything happened, not being able to smile and laugh with you guys on all the shows, not being able to be there with you guys up on that stage… It was tough. But I kept telling myself that I’d be back soon as a better, stronger person, a better hyung, a better friend. And like I said hyung, that was really enough."

Kangin had looked back up and their eyes met. Understanding, pain, tears, and smiles flashed between them without another word.

In the silence, another snore rumbled throughout the rooms.

They’d both broken out into smiles simultaneously, and quiet chuckles had resonated throughout the kitchen. They’d bade each other good night and gone to bed with lighter hearts, ready to take on whatever tomorrow would throw at them.

 

 

 

 

Now, Leeteuk is gone.

And now, Kangin is left in the aftermath.

 

 

---

a/n: I'm a true ELF at heart.

Leeteuk, you special angel, we'll all miss you. Good luck and hurry back to us and your dongsaengs!