”Let’s break up.”

Small figure walked down the stairs of the school as he recounted the events of the past weeks. It was blurry to him, blurry yet he can see them clearly. The way he, Yang Yoseob, was left alone one day in the roof top.

He took a turn to the left but backed off hurriedly as he saw him with her. They were laughing lightly as he brushed her hair and kiss her between the brows. She giggled lightly as she returned his kiss with a peck on the cheeks. He smiled at her cuteness then clasped their hands together as they walked towards the exit together, laughing, telling jokes and making promises of being together forever.

“But… why? Why are you breaking up with me? What did I do?

Yoseob held his heart, his fast beating heart. It wanted to leap off his chest but at the same time, it wants to stop. Just… stop beating, stop beating for the person who left him. But whatever Yoseob does, how much he hits his chest, how much he shakes his head, how much he rubs his temples, how much pain he goes through… he couldn’t just stop his heart to continuously beat for him.

“Yoseob-ah, you can’t do anything about this. It’s not your fault, it’s mine.”

He stood up shakily and walked towards the direction of the other exit while using the wall as help. His knees were buckling and it feels like jelly. He didn’t know he had this much effect on him. He didn’t know he was able to hold him so hard, he didn’t know. But look at him now, now that he has set him free… he is still bound to him.

“Then why?! Why are you breaking up with me?!”

He didn’t know what he did wrong. He didn’t know what he did wrong for him to receive all this hurting that he is undergoing. Was he too selfish to have wanted to be with him? Was he too selfish to have stayed with him for so long? Was he too selfish for wanting to be loved? Was he too selfish to have wanted him, everything that he is and could offer?

“I’m sorry, Yoseob. I… I was mistaken, I shouldn’t have… I didn’t know what went through—“

He didn’t know anymore. He didn’t know anymore as he slowly walked down the stairs of the school towards the children’s play ground. What he knows is that he was not the one who initiated the first move. He wasn’t the one who pinned the other boy to the wall and kissed him feverishly. He wasn’t the first one to have fallen. What Yang Yoseob does know is that he is the victim. He is the one who was pushed to be in this relationship.

“If you’re going to say that you regret to have even confessed to me, kissed me and be with me… then don’t. I beg you to not say it.”

Why was he such a fool to have believed the other boy? Why was he such a fool to not have fought back when he was pinned and kissed? Why was he such a fool to not have rejected the boy when he had the chance? Why didn’t he save himself from this heartbreak? Because now he regrets everything, he regrets it all.

“I’m sorry, Yoseob-ah. I realized that I love her. I realized that… I don’t love you anymore…”

he realized that the reason he was such a fool to have believed, accepted, kissed, and went on with the boy was because… even though he would love to deny it forever, he knew it was because he also liked the other boy. Not love during that time, but he knew he had feelings for him… at least a little.

“B-But… can’t we talk about this? Can’t we do something about us? Who the hell starts a relationship and ends it as well?!”

Yoseob sat on the swing as he let depression eat his insides because as he thinks of what happened, as he remember his face, as he hear his laughter… he can’t do anything else. All he knows is that… it hurts, it hurts, and it hurts so much. Because even though he was the one who was pushed to be in this relationship, he is the one hurting alone.

“I don’t love you anymore, Yoseob. It’s the end between the two of us.”

He tried warming himself up with his hands but failed horribly because his hands were cold, cold as ice. He didn’t need to hear that part; he would have lived better if he was fed with lies. But no, he was too honest, too truthful, and too cruel to be able to say those things to his face. It stings, stings too much but Yoseob can’t do anything about it because it hurts, it hurts and it hurts too much…

“How could you have changed so much? Why are you like this now? Am I really just… just nothing to you now?”

This was not the person he loved. The person in front of Yoseob couldn’t have been the same person who confessed to him, who pinned him, who kissed him, who hugged him, who cuddled with him, who took his first time, who played with him, who laughed with him, who cried with him, who comforted him, who tickled him, who studied with him, who acted like a child with him, who runs away from nagging Junhyung with him, who plays pranks on Kikwang with him, who tries to be mature for him, and who loved him. That person and this person couldn’t be the same person. It just couldn’t be.

“I’m not regretting this, Yoseob. I will never regret breaking up with you.”

And suddenly, the tears that were flowing from his eyes that day meant nothing at all. He felt the coldness hit his face as he turned around, opened the door of the rooftop and walked down, leaving him alone. Yang Yoseob couldn’t believe what had just happened as he fell on the floor, his tears dripping one by one on the pavement.

It hurts so much; it hurts and hurts and hurts so much that Yoseob doesn’t have any other word to describe how he feels that time but that it hurts.

Yoseob shook his head, kicked the land beneath him as he started going back and forth in the air. The coldness of the air hitting his already cold skin and seeping to his cold heart.

Is their love really finished? Is it already too late to save it from dying? Is he no longer in his heart? Won’t he be able to come back again? Won’t he be able to change back to his old self? Is this really their end?

Yoseob heard her voice in the air followed by his laughter. He heard him being a sweet boyfriend and caring for her and that time, Yoseob finally knew, even though he doesn’t want to admit it, that it was finished. They were finished.

After days and weeks of holding back his tears after the day he ignored it, a single tear finally fell out of Yoseob’s big brown orbs as the only thing that registered to his mind is that…

“You’re not mine anymore but can’t you come back? Even though it’s just lies, can’t you love me again? Because Yoon Dujun, it hurts, it hurts, hurts so much…”