This isn’t my home anymore, no this isn’t the place I feel safe anymore. This is not where I want to be, this is not the place it used to be. The warm and caring feeling is gone. My home is gone, this is just an empty house, full of fading memories. I want to escape, to run away. Away from here, a cold place. No one to greet me, no one to hug me and take me in their arms. Gone. They are all gone. Vanished. My friends, family, my beloved Seungri. I lost them all and I will never get them back. It doesn’t matter how many times I cry, scream or pray. It will never change and I will never see them again.

It hurts. The pain in my heart is unbearable. I miss them, I want them to be right next to me. Sometimes I wished that they were gone. I want to takes those words back, maybe I can get them back when I do that. I hope, I cry. I’m alone, all alone. The pain grows at night, when it’s cold besides me, when there is no one to warm my freezing body. No muscular arms around my waist, no soft lips on my skin. No Seungri, no love. I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to dream. I don’t dream anymore, I only have nightmare. They haunt me, they keep me awake. I’m a living skeleton, I’m a dead man who feels that he needs to live to make them proud.

Loneliness. Something that eats me away. Slowly, to make sure that I notice it. I can feel how the darkness inside me grows and how it takes me over. I can’t think anymore, I can only think about them. About the four men who changed my life. I don’t know what to do without them, because my whole life I took care of them and I made sure they were alright. But I failed. A failure. That is what I am.

Choi Seunghyun. Seunghyun, oh, Seunghyun. I still wear the bracelets you gave me, even though it hurts when I look at them. The skulls represent you, represent the others. It hurts. The eyes are looking at me, pleading to let go, but I can’t. I can’t. My old friend, my best friend. I want you to comfort me, because you are the only one who knows when I’m lying and when my smiles are fake. You can see when I feel unhappy and you are the one who cheers me up. You are the one who has serious conversations with me and you are the one who calms me with wise words. You can cheer me up with silly jokes, ridiculous faces and funny dances. I miss you, my friend. My brother. I will miss you and I hope to see you again soon.

Dong Youngbae. You know what it is to work hard. We’ve grown up together and we’ve trained together. You have great skills and the world lost a great entertainer. You’re voice is incredible and your dancing superior. The world will never get to know what you had in store, they will not see what a great person you really are. Playing games together, talking about girls and videos. Skating and dancing, working out. We did all those things together and now... It isn’t possible anymore. I wish I didn’t take those moments for granted and that I appreciated them more. My dear friend, the one that supports me and does all those things with me farewell.

Kang Daesung. Your hugs are the things that keep me standing. Your smile is something that I can look at for hours. You can be emotional and shy, but that is who you are. That is who you always will be. You will stay the happy, but sometimes timid boy in my dreams. I can still remember how you cried and how you smiled when we received awards. But I’m scared, because your face starts to fade, I ask myself if you eyes were a light or a dark colour. I start to realize that I can’t remember your voice and that I have to listen to songs to know how good your voice sounds and how much passion I can hear when you sing. It’s terrifying, knowing that I forget little details about you, because you, my friend, are a beautiful human. Pure at heart.

Lee Seunghyun. My lover, my friend, the one that lets me cry on his shoulder. I want you body next to me on the bed, I want you body to warm mine. Your smile and jokes, your laughter that fills the room. The rooms are empty and silent. No sound breaks the silent. I miss your arms around my shoulders, my waist, my neck. I want your soft lips on mine, but I know that it’s impossible. I can’t get you back and I can’t say ‘I love you’ for the last time. It makes me sad, because now I know that I should have said it much more and frequently, but only now I realize how important you are to me. Warm me, show me that you’re watching over me and that you’re with me, supporting me. I want you to realize that I will never forget you. My beloved Seungri, it is sad how I used to tease you and hurt you in front of the camera. I regret it now, because it was my responsibility to show how much I loved you and still love you.

And now I’m standing here. The cold room is strange to me. There is no one to welcome me. It feels strange, it feels like I don’t belong here. That’s why I’m leaving this house, my home and that’s the reason why I will never return. I want to escape this life, the spotlights and the pain. This is the only way and it’s time for me to start all over again.

G-Dragon died a long time ago and Kwon Jiyong will disappear the moment I close the door. Kwon Jiyong dies with every tear that leaves my eyes and with every memory that starts to fade. This is what made Kwon Jiyong, this is what shaped my personality and where I discovered who I wanted to be. I turn around for one last time, looking into the darkness as I feel the cold embrace my freezing body. I close the door, take a deep breath and I force myself to stop crying. I leave my memories, my youth, my smile and Kwon Jiyong behind.

Farewell and goodbye.

A/N: I'm not satisfied with the end, but I needed to write this.