This one shot was supposed to be our Bonus Story for the cancelled TaengSicle One Shot story. I've decided to finish it and post it. I hope that you like what we've written!  We tried our best to give you something you'd enjoy. Do pardon the errors since we didn't have anyone edited this. Purely us. Of course, it's only natural to have errors. uhmm, well some chingoos helped me with it,suggesting stuff!  So thanks guys! <3 Also, the actions and reactions we've written are what we think fit for the story and the characters involved.  Hope you enjoy. 

Also, I haven't update any of my fanfic since I was busy judging the JeTi Fanfic contest and also I was the former host of the TaengSicle along with many. I haven't forgotten any of my stories. I'm half done with Made For You's next chapter.

Anywayyyyy~~ I hope you like this as much as we do. 

This fanfic is dedicated to Strydor. <3 With this, I owe you NOTHING.  Also, this fanfic is for those who were anticipating the TaengSicle one shot contest. ><” Well, I’m sure the entries are getting posted now and I wish you’re enjoying them. 



 

A Liar’s List
Written by: xella08x & danica404

1.  Actually cleaning the room
2.  Not sleeping in
3.  Going to a night club with DongHa
4.  Losing track of time
5.  Not caring for Taeyeon’s worries

I looked outside the window, trying to recall the things I’ve done that day. I ate breakfast, went to my classes, ate dinner with Taeyeon and after that, I told her that I would go to the club with DongHa. I scowled and exhaled; I was in campus grounds since then until about three in the morning and decided to head to the dorm.

What else should I list?

“Hey,” A knock interrupted me from writing more, and I instinctively shut my leather notebook in panic. “Drink this.” Taeyeon came in, set the cup on my desk, and occupied the corner of my bed. “So, which night club did you go to? You don’t look that wasted today.” She flashed her set of perfect white teeth at me, causing me to smile softly at her in return.


“I was at the one DongHa recommended. We should go there sometime soon.” I turned off the light, grabbed my cup, and then plopped to the space next to her. Sipping the tea Taeyeon brewed, the rush of bitterness filled my mouth with unwanted flavor causing me to grimace. What was she thinking giving me something this disgusting? “Yuck! What the hell is this?!”

“Something that’s good for you.” She lectured as she pointed a finger at me.

I eyed the cup full of resentment. “Are you sure this is even safe? I won’t be sent to the hospital with this, will I?”

Taeyeon sighed as she frowned at me. “I wouldn’t want you to die. You should know that.”

I frowned a little. Her words always seemed to have an impact on me. I didn’t want that; not this kindness she had been showing me that was making me want more from her. “Say, we should go there this Friday.”
          
She shook her head. “I have a major test coming up. I don’t want to fail it.”

“Ah, that’s all you care about.” I joked with her. I stood up and walked in front of my closet.

“No, I care about you.”

“You care about me?” That really sounded lovely to my ears, but I knew better. Laughing, I continued my words and asked as I turned around, half-dressed, pointing at myself. “Or my body?”

“Well,” She scratched her head, trying to think to herself. “I want to say you… but your body is my stress reliever, you know?” She chuckled a little.

I knew that I only existed in her world as a stress reliever - a thing. Despite knowing that I was simply a thing, oddly enough, I was perfectly fine with that since it was the only way I could be with her. Smiling, I threw my used shirt at her to hide what was clouding my mind. “You’re using me for as your stress reliever? It’s sad that my existence is pretty much degraded to a stress ball.”

She laughed heartily. “Yeah. But sadly, you don’t have balls.” I threw a pile of clothes at her that was laid neatly in front of me from the closet. She picked them up after laughing all over my bed then threw it back at me. I looked at it as it was now scattered on the floor. Oh well. I wouldn’t bother fix it tonight. “So, DongHa. That guy’s so hot.” Her tone was teasing.

“You want him for a stress ball, too? He actually has the things you’re looking for.” I buttoned up my shirt and then dove into my bed. Walking around the campus grounds for hours really drained all my energy. “You know. Balls.”

She winked at me. “If you’re asking for a … You know, all you have to do is—“

This time, there was no shirt to throw so I used pillow, and luckily, it hit her face. “Get off my bed!”

“But…” She scooted closer to me. “I’m stressed today.”

I looked her in the eyes. Sometimes, she would show me she cared for me just like earlier and that would get my hopes up. But when she opened to tell me what she truly wanted, each word seemed to break my heart more and more. Was I simply a body to her? “Alright. Come here.” I said as I beamed a smirk at her, starting to my shirt.

“You sure you have time for me? You look tired. I mean, didn’t DongHa al---“

I sat up, pulling her neck gently, “I’m never too tired for you.”

The sad reality was how I deal with her and this weird relationship was the only way I knew how to be with her.





I had been walking around the campus in search for Yunho, but I gave up after failing for about fifteen minutes. I was in the Student Union, and sat myself on my usual spot. Skimming my textbook, I noticed a figure that took the seat in front of me.

“So, tonight.” DongHa mumbled as he took a bite of the greasy pizza that was in his hands. “Are you free?”

I shook my head. “No. I have things to do.”

He wiped his mouth then drank his soda to flush the food down his throat. “So, you weren’t free last night and you’re not free today?”

I nodded. “Obviously.” Although his looks were impeccable, I felt no attraction towards him. His bright hazel eyes, perfectly sculpted features, even his reputation as the university’s best soccer player didn’t lure me into liking him. “I’m busy.”

“How ‘bout tomorrow?” He asked, scowling. I had never noticed this side of him, but he wasn’t really someone important so I didn’t bother. I let him be.

“I’ve have a test. I can’t fail it.”

“Friday?”

“I’m also busy.”

He placed his hands down and stared at me intently. “So, you weren’t free yesterday, not free today and Friday, when are you going to be free? I mean, we’re dating, right? How can we be dating if we can’t even go on one date?”

“You know, I just can’t—“

“Hey, buddy.” Yunho, my fraternal twin, occupied the space beside DongHa then stared at me. “Sorry if I’m late. My professor wanted to show the whole class something and it made us stay a bit later.”

“That’s okay.” I said, shifting my attention from DongHa to my twin. “Have you seen Taeyeon?”

“She’s with Tiffany.” He said as he grabbed the pizza off DongHa’s hand. “Hey, bro, can I just have it?”

DongHa surrendered the plate to him and asked me, “So, there’s really no time for me in your schedule?”

“Nope.” I flatly said. “I’m really busy. Always busy.”

“Alright.” He took his body-bag then swung it around him as he gave me a smile. “I’ll call you then.” I watched him walk away from the table, heading to the elevator. He wasn’t even out of my sight yet when he flashed his flirting grin to some random girl that had too short of a skirt or too long of a shirt.

“You do know that his call is never going to come, right?” He finished the pizza and crumpled the paper plate, shooting it into the nearest trash bin.

“I know.” I nodded as I grinned. “I didn’t want him to call me anyway. Look at that,” I pointed at the elevators just in time before it closed and for Yunho to see. “we haven’t really broken up yet and he’s already hitting on other girls.”

“That’s because you don’t even give him a proper response.” He shook his head, looking at me as if I was stupid. “You think you can have a decent conversation with people who only give you a two-three word response?”

“I gave him five worded responses, too.”

“You’re impossibly stupid.” He sighed. “Point being is you don’t give a shit about him or any other guys that want to see you. There was Hero, SeungRi, and Henry. You did the same thing to all them.”

I thought hard about it. I didn’t go on any dates with those guys at all. However, I did use their names as an excuse to go stay out late and come back home at around three in the morning just so I could play the card that I went out to spend the evening somewhere. “Hmmm… You’re right…”

“Of course I’m right. I’m always right.” He laid out his book onto the table, shoving my things aside. “So,” He talked to me as his eyes were focused on his book. It was his habit to do homework during the break so he didn’t have to do it at home. “how are you and Taeyeon?”

I leaned back into my chair. Of all the people who knew about my situation with her, it was Yunho. He knew it like the back of his hands. He did advise me to not continue it any longer; however, I just couldn’t and decided to keep things the way they were. “Great.”

He looked up at me, his eyebrows furrowing. “Stupid. I’m your twin. I know when you’re lying.”

I sighed. “Well, things are the same.” At that point of my life, when asked about my relationship with Taeyeon, there wasn’t any answer better or worse than ‘the same.’ Our relationship, if I could call it that, was simply based of carnal desires. It was an unspoken rule that we shouldn’t meddle with each other’s personal lives but… even if it was a wish told to the wind, I wished that things between us weren’t the same at all. “I don’t think it’s ever going to be not the same.”

“I don’t get you.” He pulled out several pieces of paper from his book bag and scribbled words down. “You want things to be different and you don’t want to do anything? What? You expect some kind of miracle?”

I opened my mouth, but decided to close it as I noticed Tiffany approaching us. “Hey, guys!” She took the seat beside Yunho and planted a kiss on his lips, tossing her signature pink purse which blinded me a little in front of her. Both she and Yunho started a conversation that forced me to shut off my ears and concentrate somewhere else.

Luckily, Taeyeon arrived about a minute after Tiffany and sat beside me. “You know who I just saw?”

“Who?” The sun’s rays hit her face, illuminating her gorgeous brown eyes. I had to temporarily control my ravaging thoughts about her and focused on our conversation “Was it another guy you’d like to use as a stress ball?”

“No. Though,” she bit and her lips. “that would be also good.”

“Get on with it.” I rolled my eyes. “Who was it?”

“DongHa. Shouldn’t he be here with you? You know, sitting beside you like this.” She the chair beside me, leaving no space between us at all. “Or something like that,” she pointed at Tiffany and Yunho as their tongues were in each other’s throat.

“Nah.” I didn’t push her chair away from me. I wanted to keep her there, and so I suavely s my arm around hers. “He’s busy and had to go somewhere. And since we couldn’t spend time together, we set up plans to leave again later tonight for a date. We’re going to a new place this time.”

Catching what I was saying, Yunho looked at me and shook his head with disappointment on his face. Taeyeon, on the other hand, said, “Well, looks like someone’s getting some tonight!”

            “Like every single night.” I nodded my head like a bobblehead, grinning at her like there was nothing wrong. “Can’t wait to see him tonight.”


The things that I have lied about:
1.   My schedule
2.  The greatness of my relationship with Taeyeon
3.  Obviously, my relationship with DongHa
4.  My date with DongHa



A week passed before DongHa finally found a girl that he could go out with. By then, I stopped using him as an excuse and just used the excuse that I went to a club alone. Truth was I spent my nights in my home, and to be more precise, I was in Yunho’s room on his floor.

It wasn’t anything new to be honest. If I couldn’t spend my time in the park, or explore the campus grounds at ungodly hour, I would simply come home and lock myself in his room, fiddling through his things.

“Why exactly don’t you just come home? You living with Taeyeon is useless if you just visit home every day.” Since it was Friday and Yunho had nothing to do, I was playing a videogame with him that involved a bloodbath against aliens.

“Can’t I just say that I missed you and Mom and Dad?” I deliberately shot anything that moved as I picked up the things that they have dropped.

“Bullshit.” He groaned. “Don’t use me as an excuse, alright?”

I dug my hand to the popcorn bowl and eased back to the bean bag chair. “I really do.”

“Jessica,” Yunho paused the game. He looked at me with a pair of brotherly eyes that screamed out authority and concern. “how long are you going to keep this up? At this rate, you’re going to use every guy’s name in school just so that you can lie to Taeyeon about sleeping with someone. I’m pretty sure by now that Taeyeon sees you as DongHa’s fuckbuddy because of the excuses you give her. Do you want this to continue?”  

I placed down the white controller on the floor. He was right. I really hated the fact that he was right. “It’s nothing like that, Yunho.” I grabbed the bowl of popcorn then scooped for a handful of the delicious delight. “I’m…I’m going stop, okay?”

He studied my face. “You’re not going to stop. I know you. You’re just not going to stop.”

I stood up and grabbed my bag. “It’s past three. I need to go home.”

“Oi!” He shouted. For some reason, I stopped. “Jessica, you’re smarter than this. You know this isn’t going anywhere. Stop it now.”

“I promise.”

I slithered out of his room and out of the house. I didn’t want to wake my parents and explain why I didn’t want to stay for the night. Frankly, I didn’t want to explain anything and so I rushed back to the doors, speeding the streets of Seoul.

When I opened the door to my room, it was dark and silent. Taeyeon’s bed was empty, but she wasn’t running around the room like she used to. I changed into an oversized shirt and the desk light.

Even if I used every guy’s name in the school, Taeyeon would never feel anything. She wouldn’t hurt at all. Not even the slightest pain that I’m in right now. 


Things I have lied about:
1.   Being out in a club
2.  My excuse of being at my house
3.  Stopping my habit of lying to Taeyeon to get her to care
4. My promise 



That morning, Taeyeon came home, looking haggard. “Best. Night. Of. My. Life.” She giggled as she collapsed on my bed. “SiWon was awesome.”

I flinched as I turned around to avoid her eyes. SiWon, the guy from one of her classes, the one who had been excessively flirting with her, the guy who had the reputation as one of the iest males in my school… she was out him…? It was fortunate that my back faced Taeyeon. If it wasn’t, she would’ve seen my face as I contemplated on what happened on the night they spent together. “So that’s why you didn’t need me, huh?”

I heard the bed creak. Next, light footsteps were thudding across the room towards my direction. Arms locked my waist as Taeyeon rested her head on to my shoulder, breathing on my neck. “You know you’d always be my number one.”

I gave out a fake laugh to cover up my pain. SiWon’s scent lingered around her. She didn’t smelled like her, and I hated it. I also didn’t want her to have any of SiWon’s touch that was still tingling her skin. I wanted to erase every part of him and replace his memories with mine. “Is that so?” I turned around, dropping the things that I was holding on the desk. I ran my hand across her face, keeping her hair tucked into her ears. “You know, I’m pretty stressed right now.”

She blinked at me. “Right now??”

I nodded, kissing her cheeks. My lips then headed to her neck as my hands ran down her shirt. “Right. Now.” It was disgusting. It didn’t taste like her. My mind was clouded, only thinking about erasing everything and anything Siwon.

“But… But…” She was struggling since my hands were already ing her pants. “I just came from SiWon’s place.”

“That’s okay.” I helped her take off her shirt, and then dropping it to the floor.

“But…”

The next on my list were to remove her pants but she stopped me. “If you want to shower, let’s shower together.”

“You don’t care that I just came home from SiWon’s house?” She asked, looking at me while she was already half . The thought that SiWon saw what was supposed to be mine infuriated me. I wanted to forcefully erase every image from his mind that related to Taeyeon.

“No.” I answered her as calmly as I would. “Should I? What? Don’t tell me you want a with him?” I pointed at my phone that laid on top of my desk. “I know his number. We can always ask.”

Taeyeon laughed. “So typical of you.” She picked up the shirt then headed to the bathroom. “Give me half an hour. I should be done by then.” She locked the door and she set the water running.

My legs gave in. It was a good thing that I was near a chair. I tried to position myself to the bed but I was shaking. Taeyeon, do you still want things to be this way?

Things I have lied about:
1.   Stress
2.  Being okay that she just slept with Siwon
3.  Knowing SiWon’s number
4.  Being okay with a with SiWon
5. Still wanting thi

“Here’s the milk tea I promised!” Taeyeon slid the cup to my side, almost spilling the contents as it twirled for a while.

“Shh!” I hissed at her, pressing a finger against my lips as I carefully shut my leather notebook, not wanting her to see its contents. “We’re in the library, dummy.”

“Oh.” She giggled, eyes twinkling. “My bad.”

I grabbed one  of the textbooks in front of me, and then flipped through mountains of books just to find the right information to study for. While I was skimming the pages, Taeyeon sat beside me and looked at her book. She pulled her iPod from her purse and stuck one of the buds of her earphone on my ear and the other one on hers. “We can’t really study if we lis—“

Just before I finished my sentence, she played Yiruma’s River Flows in You and set it on replay. “Remember, you once told me that this is the only song you can listen to while you’re studying?”

I was taken aback. I only told her of it once, and it was four years ago. Precisely, it was when we just got to know each other. “That was… so long ago…?”

She set the volume on the right level then placed her eyes back on her book. “Yeah.”

I smiled, though I hid it as I, too, looked back at my own textbook. Yiruma’s piece put my head at ease and made the impossible formulas enter my head without any difficulty. Occasionally, my eyes would peek and observe Taeyeon as she struggled to keep herself awake. I pulled out an Icebreaker from my pocket, slipped it to her hand, then went back to my reading. A few seconds later, her arm wrung around mine and her head rested on top of my shoulder.

“Thanks.” She whispered; her minty breath making its way to my nose.

Her adorable eyes made it difficult for me not to smile. “We still have a few more chapters to go. Don’t sleep on me.”

“I’m awake.” She perked up then realized that the volume of her voice became a bit too loud. “Oops.” She giggled, making a sweet, adorable, childish expression. It was an expression that made me powerless even after all those years that I have known her.

Hours later, we headed out of the library then to the nearest Starbucks. The place was empty since it was already evening. Without me speaking, Taeyeon hopped to the counter and ordered, “Two Vanilla Beans with whip cream and easy caramel on both, and a pumpkin cake, please.”

When she received the order, she pulled me to the corner with the view of the university grounds. Had I been there alone, I would’ve exactly ordered the same thing and would’ve sat at the same exact place. How well had she known me?

“Eat up.” She mumbled as she pushed the cake to me and sipped on her straw. “After this, let’s go visit Tiffany and bug her. She won’t mind, right?”

I shook my head. “No. I don’t think so.” I drank my drink and stared out the window, thinking about the past that I shared with Taeyeon. Even though she wasn’t on the same level as Yunho, she knew me well. Knew me well enough to know what I liked and didn’t like about things, to pick for me, to choose the right words to comfort me during my darkest times, and yet, she wasn’t even aware of my harboring feelings.

“You know,” I looked at her; my chin on top of my palms. “I love you.”

She giggled at me and didn’t notice that I had dropped my laughing façade. “I love you too.”  

I had no time to clarify the gravity of my words since she was already staring off, laughing like I said a joke. I bit my lip, a coppery taste filled mouth.

“You know, this is just like when all four of us met here four years ago.” She dawdled with the straw of her beverage. “We were sitting by the barista, right over there.” Taeyeon pointed at some corner that I didn’t see. “And then, Tiffany dragged me in here with you and Yunho.”

I gulped a mouthful of my frappuccino to wash away the nauseating taste and to distract myself from producing any kind of look that highlights my pain at that moment. “Right. I remember.”

“There are a lot of things that changed but we’re still the same as ever, huh?” She looked around the place, her face still containing that smile that she had on earlier.

“No, not exactly.” I murmured. “I mean, we’re like this.”

“Like what?”

“We’re like this.” I pointed at myself and then her. “So, everything about us is not the same.”

She giggled, finally understanding my hint. “True.” The food on her place was barely touched but her drink was already empty. It was a habit of hers to drink first before eating. “But, you know, this is one change that I like. We should just keep things with us just like this.”

I stared at her, blinking a few times, feeling like I had been knocked out of my senses. I didn’t want things to stay the same. I wanted her to see how I felt. Even if it was a selfish wish, I wanted her to know that I truly loved her, and what this implied was something I would want to move on from. “I wasn’t kidding when I told you I love you, you know?” My face no longer contained a smile and I was serious.

She smacked me lightly on my arm. “Liar.”

Liar. That was what I was. I had lied so much that Taeyeon no longer believed my sincerest statement. Maybe, the only sincere statement I had ever uttered about my feelings. She didn’t even think twice about it. The reality was if she was around me, I would always be a liar. Always.

She went on about her day before we met in the library, her night with a guy whose name I never heard of, the stress she had been feeling because of finals, and many more things that didn’t matter to me. Even though we’ve spent half of our evening in the café, my mind settled into one thing: She didn’t love me.

“You know,” I cut her off midsentence. “you’re right.”

“About what?” She blinked at me. “About letting the guy next to me not copy my homework?”

“No.” I shook my head, feeling lifeless. “About me being a liar.”

She laughed. “I know that already.”

Although I loved seeing her face the most, I couldn’t stand it any longer. She had an angel’s face that killed me off inside – just like the grim reaper. I no longer had the strength to face her with a smile, even if I was just lying. Enough was enough. It was time to let her go. I picked up my book bag and dragged my drink with me. “I just remembered. I need to be somewhere today.”

“But, but,” She grabbed my hand, stopping me from leaving right away. “I’m stressed. And, you’re always there when I’m stressed. You just can’t bail out on me today.”

I slid my hand out of hers. “Not today, Taeyeon. I just need to be somewhere else. Just call someone else to fill for my position. I’m pretty sure you have a lot of those.”

“You think I would do that?” The smile on her face faded away and turned into a frown. “I thought we were just going to spend the night together after Tiffany’s?”

“Yeah but I suddenly remembered something. Besides,” I turned my body so that I was facing her directly. “you have other fuckbuddies other than me, don’t you?”

She didn’t respond for a second. When she did talk, a smile covered her face. “Yeah, I gotcha. Stay out all night, okay? I’ll be busy with someone else tonight since you won’t sleep with me.”

“You do that.” I waved at her. As soon as I saw an available cab, I didn’t hesitate to tell them my home’s address and crashed into Yunho’s room, hogging his bed. He didn’t tell me anything and left the room for me to be alone, bringing his text books with him because he was studying. He probably went into my room to finish reviewing. Well, just for once, I’d call his room my own. There was something about this room that gave me comfort… just a little comfort.

I tossed and turned around his…my bed, but my mind kept on replaying scenes with Taeyoen, making me think more and more. And I realized, there was no other reason to hold on to Taeyeon anymore. All these years spent waiting, I now deemed them all useless.


Things I have lied about:

Nothing





It didn’t take long for our senior year to come and go. After the day I told Taeyeon I loved her, I didn’t come back to the dorm to sleep or study. I spent my nights with my family and I regained my actual room back. I told Yunho everything that happened and he understood the reason why I wanted to be home - away from Taeyeon.

As I was packing my things in the dorm room, the door opened and revealed Taeyeon pulling suitcases that were half opened. I helped her get it inside the room and settled it on top of her bed so that she didn’t need to walk so much to get her things fixed.

“Haven’t seen you in a while.” She murmured as she neatly folded her clothes into her suitcase. “Been busy, Jessica?”

I nodded, avoiding her glance. “Yeah. You?”

“Same.” She flashed a grin that I regretted seeing. She didn’t seem unhinged by the fact that I wasn’t there in the room with her and just dropped by in some mornings before I went to class and get some clothes. That room became a locker that I rarely used. “I’ll miss this room. Won’t you?”

I took my hanged clothes and stuffed it in my suitcase. Since most of my things were already home, there was no need to worry about dragging the bag out of the dorm. I was pretty sure it would be easy. “I’ll miss everything about it.”

“Especially me, huh?” She laughed. “But, I don’t think you’ll miss me as much anyways. Right?”

“No. Not as much.” I nodded, trying to be comical but I couldn’t draw up a smile.

Taeyeon watched me organize my things. She looked at my empty closet, the cleared out desk, and the space that I had built up so that I wouldn’t be so cautious about her. “Jessica, don’t you think it’s time we end things?” She went to her desk and sat on the chair, gluing her stare onto mine. “You know… this thing between us?”

Since I was trying to extract my clothes from the lowest drawer, I had to look up to her. And without her telling me anymore of what she didn’t want, I understood completely. I zipped my suitcase and sat on my bed, creating a distance between her and me. “I understand.“ I loved her. I wanted her to know that I did. I truly did. But there were things that I had to let go even if it weighed as much as the world did. And she was one of them. “I think things are better off that way, right?”

She looked at the floor for a while, hiding her face from me. “Better off that way, huh?”

I laughed humorlessly, ignoring the pain in my heart. “I can’t always be your stress reliever, you know?”

“You’re right.” She lifted her hand and reached for something in her drawer. “I bought these the other day but you weren’t here often so I couldn’t give it.” Taeyeon stood up and left the box on top of her desk then headed straight to the door. “I’m going to talk to SiWon about tomorrow. So, I’ll be back tonight. Will you be here until then?”

I looked at the box wrapped with a blue gift wrapping paper and topped with a golden bow. What was in it? “No, I’m not. I need to go somewhere after this.”

“I expected that.” She smiled. “I’ll need the room tonight so don’t stay until then. Bye.”

I watched her leave and shut the door behind her. There was nothing I did to stop her. After a few minutes of staring at the door, I regained my senses and walked over to the desk. I ripped the paper and opened the box. All of Yiruma’s CDs were neatly piled inside. At the back of the last CD, a small piece of white paper slipped and fell to the desk.

Hey Jessica,
You love his pieces, right?
I got you the whole collection.
Hope you’ll love me as much as you love him for doing this!

Things I have lied about:
1.   Not gonna miss Taeyeon
2.  Ending things this way would be best
3.  I…

I was in the room the whole night. You never came back.

Present Day

“So tell me why Tiffany’s not here again?” I struggled to bring my bags to Yunho’s car. After all his whining and nagging, I finally bought him the souvenirs that he wanted. Instead of carrying one suitcase, I ended up carrying three. And besides the fact that most of the things I had to drag were mostly his and Tiffany’s, he wouldn’t even help me until I asked him to do so.

“Tiffany’s out. She’s working and she’s just going to catch up with us later.” Yunho hauled the rest of my suitcases into the trunk. As he shoved everything in, I noticed something shiny on his finger: his wedding ring.  I couldn’t help but smile. I knew that they would last. There was something about them that just spelled ‘forever’. “What’re you smiling at like a creep?”

“Nothing.” I mused.




After a few hours of running around streets and buying things to cook, Tiffany welcomed me with a warm hug and a “Hello, dear husband!” to Yunho. It wasn’t hard to see that she and Yunho had something to fight about so I stepped into the kitchen where I started to sort out the things for dinner. Even if I couldn’t hear them clearly, I heard Yunho apologizing like mad and Tiffany nagging him for something. “Dorks.” I whispered under my breath as I threw away the excess plastic bags.

In the five years that I was in California, Mom and Dad decided to retire and take vacations to varying places. This year, their destination was Honolulu. Although I have talked to them about my arrival, they still booked their tickets a few days before I arrived in Korea and wouldn’t be back in two weeks. As for Yunho and Tiffany, they were married and they would be expecting a child that winter. Yunho kept on saying that it would be a boy that would look like him, but Tiffany believes it would be a girl. I honestly thought it would be a girl and a boy.

And as for Taeyeon… I haven’t heard of her. In all honestly, I didn’t want to hear any news about her at all.

“Ah!” Tiffany gasped. “Does this mean that you’ll stay here permanently?!”

“Yes.” I smiled at her. The contract that I signed stationed me in Korea. I have already booked a hotel to stay at and looked at condo units to buy so that I wouldn’t bother Tiffany and Yunho for lodging. “I’ll be staying here for good.”

“Damn it.” Yunho frowned. “Does this mean that you’ll be here and make my life a living hell?”

I threw him a glare. “I bought you all those stuff you asked me out of my own pocket because you’ve nagged me and made me carry them all the way to your car. This is how you show your thanks?!”

“I told you I was going to pay you back! Besides,” He took a sip of water then stared at me coolly. “remember the wedding gifts that you didn’t give us? Think of those souvenirs as a make up gift.”

“I bought you tickets to France!” I playfully glowered at him.

“Just say you’re glad she’s back home.” Tiffany smacked Yunho’s arm and hushed him. She then looked at me and flashed me an eye smile. “By the way, thanks so much for the tickets. I know I’ve called you so many times about it but I just want to say thanks again.”

“But—“

Tiffany gave him a glare. “But what?”

Yunho sighed and looked at me with an expression that screamed out embarrassment. “Nothing. I’m very happy that you’re here.”

That night, Tiffany told me that she organized a party and invited a number of our colleagues from college. She told me that Yunho sent the invitation to everyone and made sure that a certain someone wouldn’t show her face up. Even though it had already been years, a knot in my stomach formed as the thought of Taeyeon’s presence would be in that party.

“Jessica,” Tiffany crooned. “she won’t be there.”

Yunho nodded. “She’s in Australia right now. I made sure of it when I sent out the invitations.”

I looked at the chances of her attending. A little voice in the back of my heads screamed out no but I nodded anyways. “Sure… I… I’ll be there.” Tiffany stood up and brought the dishes to the kitchen. When I offered to help, she waved me down and forced me to stick to Yunho.

After a few seconds, Yunho asked, “You driving tonight?”

I shook my head. “No, Tiffany wants me to stay over for tonight.”

“Good.” He got up from his chair and proceeded to the kitchen. Within a minute, he brought back a wine bottle and two glasses. “Come with me to the veranda.”

I followed him without saying much. Before, my tolerance with alcohol wouldn’t let me pass with five glasses. However, as I spent time in California, I could drink a whole bottle of Bacardi and not be drunk at all.

Yunho dragged two chairs out then poured me a glass filled with the wine. I sipped and it tasted very good. “Nice. What’s this?”

“A gift from someone.” He drank a mouthful then settled the glass down. His back eased into the chair as he lifted his feet up to rest them on top of the coffee table. “So, you’re really going to stay here for good?”

“Yeah.” I answered. “I’ve signed the contract already and I’ve looked at condo units online. The one that I have an eye on isn’t that far away from here. Probably a fifteen minute drive.”

“Nice. How much?”

“Didn’t really bother to check the prices. But… I’ll probably get it for a low price since my friend can pull a few strings.”

“Friend, huh?” He asked me with a suspicious tone. “Are we talking about that Jude guy?”

“How can you remember this?” I stared at him, surprised. The only time I had mentioned Jude’s name was when he was in my office and was bugging me for a lunch date. If it wasn’t for that, Yunho would’ve never known about Jude’s existence since I never mentioned him again. “Don’t tell me you’re stalking me!”

“No.” He sighed. “I think you forgot that I have a really good memory.” He drank the whole glass down and refilled it. “Man, this wine’s really good. Good thing DongHa gave it.”

“You’re still friends with him?”

“We’re the best of buds, you forgot?” He let the wine perform waves as his hand played with the glass. “He was upset about what you did to him years ago but forgot about it when he went out with another girl.”

“Funny.” I said, giggling a bit. “I thought he was a playboy. Didn’t know he actually was. Good thing I just used his name for the sake of…” I stopped myself before I mentioned Taeyeon’s name. Even after years of trying to not think of her, I couldn’t manage to rule the memories out completely.

“That guy really liked you back then but he saw that it was really hopeless.” Yunho said. “Well, it’s all good now anyways. I don’t think he cares about it anymore since he has a wife and two kids already. But you,” He temporarily tore off his gaze from the sky to me. “do you still care about her?”

I took my time to answer it. Truthfully speaking, yes, I still cared about her. I wanted to see her face again and talk to her like we did before but… I guess it was no use to want those kinds of things. “What if I do but she doesn’t care at all?” I returned his gaze but found him staring off somewhere else already. “This is why I don’t want to talk about her anymore. I get this hopeless kind of feeling. I mean, it’s been years already. I’ve dated people. She’s probably dated more than I have. We’re supposed to have moved on but look at me. I’m still like this.” I pointed at myself. “Do you now understand why I don’t want to see her?”

He grew quiet but spoke again after a few seconds. “You’ve seen her photographs lately?”

“Did you hear me at all, Yunho?” I stared him down but he ignored me.  

“Yeah, I did. I completely heard you.”  

“So let’s stop this and talk about something else.” I drank the whole glass and poured a new one for me. “Have you guys bought anything for the baby?”

“Tiffany won’t let me buy anything because she doesn’t want to ‘kill the suspense’ by having an ultrasound.” He snorted a laugh. “She just won’t listen to me when I say it’s going to be a boy.”

“What about Mom and Dad? What do they think the baby’s going to be?”

“Mom’s siding with Tiffany and Dad’s with me. So it’s split even.” He shrugged. “I still say it’s a boy. What do you say?”

“I think it’s both. You’re probably going to have twins.”

“When that happens and both the babies are good looking, you know who they got those genes from.”

“Shut up.” I grunted. I drew my legs close to me, leaned back into the chair, and stared into the starless sky. “It obviously didn’t come from you if they’re good looking.”

He laughed but was quiet after a few minutes. We just drank the wine until the bottle was already halfway finished. “Taeyeon has her own studio now, don’t you know?” Yunho kept talking as if I didn’t ask him to stop talking earlier. When I tried to give him a death glare to quit it, he wouldn’t even look at me. “Her photos are all over the world. She’s very famous in the industry. I even heard she’s going to tour Asia soon with her exhibits.”

“If you don’t shut—“

“Why don’t you give her a call?” Yunho turned his head to look at me. “Call her as a friend, you know? I mean, it doesn’t hurt to call your friends and ask what’s up.”

“We’re not friends anymore.” I murmured. “We don’t have any relationship whatsoever after that day.”

Though he was seated a bit far away from me, he extended his arm and flicked my forehead. It burned. “Just because I didn’t invite her now doesn’t mean you’ll never talk again. Who knows? Maybe by tomorrow, the next week, the next year, five years from now, you two will see each other again. What are you going to do? To say?”

“That’s never going to happen.” I said as I rubbed my sore forehead. “And what did I say about talking about her anyways? Just stop it.”

“You’ll never know what’s going to happen in the future, Jessica.”

“Yeah, like Tiffany finally agreeing to marry you?” I laughed but he didn’t even smile. “Look, I don’t want to be involved anymore. Do you have any idea how many people I’ve dated just to forget about her?” I took a swig of wine from my glass then refilled it to the brim. “I’m not going to expect that things will be okay if I see her. But, what are the odds of that? You said she’s in Australia. I’m in Korea. The chance of us meeting is like this…” He stared as I brought my index finger and thumb together then pressed them to each other. “Zero.”

He frowned at me then threw a look of disappointment. “I guess you really didn’t change at all. You’d still run away.” He finished the glass and refilled it. However, we soon dropped the subject and talked about my life in California and his married life with Tiffany.




Days passed by. As I listen to the CDs that Taeyeon gave me, I kept on thinking about what could've happened between us. I still feel that I could’ve done something to change the way things were but I knew there wasn’t anything to revert everything that happened before. I knew everything between us was hopeless… but I was stupid. I had always been stupid.

Exactly what was I holding on to? When I went to California, I was determined to change everything about my habits. I didn’t lie and was as honest as I could be. I had a number of good friends and a couple of romantic relationships that ended painlessly and a couple more that I think I should’ve cherished but, in the end, I still wished that the person I had the relationship with was Taeyeon.

I was definitely hopeless.

Yunho and Tiffany both insisted that I should live with them for awhile – before I pick a condo unit.  “Hey, Jessica.” Yunho knocked at my room and entered. His eyes seemed a bit restless as if he was looking for something highly valuable. After fishing his watch from my nightstand, he exhaled. “Damn, I thought I lost this thing!”

I turned to him in time to see him put the watch on. “Why? Tiffany’s gift or something?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Remember the leather notebook I gave you before?”
                                                                                          
I stopped. My head started to work as fast as it could to pull out memories about the leather notebook. “Uh…” Like I was hit by a brick, I remembered where exactly I had put it. I slipped it in Taeyeon suitcase just before we parted. “Yeah.”

“It came with it.” He turned to me as soon as he made sure that his watch was secured on his wrist. “Speaking of that book, are you making any good use of—“

“Yunho!” Tiffany shouted from the master’s bedroom. “Yunho! Come here! Come here quick!”

Right after he left, I collapsed to the edge of my bed. How could I forget what I did on the last day that I saw Taeyeon? Right after I opened the box containing the CDs, I searched for her to tell her the truth but I couldn’t find her. I called everyone that we knew to ask where she was but no one could give me an answer. I waited until Yunho came to pick me up and take me home but she still didn’t come back. Because I didn’t know what else to do, I slipped the leather notebook into her bag and waited for her to call. Even after years of waiting for her to call, she never did.

And now, I was wondering if she ever read it or opened it. Was she that fed up with me that once she saw my name and handwriting on it, she just threw it away? Maybe she actually read it and decided that I was stupid for placing things on another level when she deliberately emphasized that things should be kept as is?

Tiffany’s heels dragged against the carpet as she headed inside the room. She stood by the bed, eyeing her clock then me. I looked up to see her signature pink purse and pink accessories that complemented her fair skin. “Yunho’s getting the car ready. Let’s go?”





“Jessica!” Yunho hauled me to his direction as Tiffany braced her arms around mine. “I know you’re annoyed right now but come on, just stay here for a while.”

“For a while?” I glared at him. “You mean hours?”

“It’s not that bad, Jessica.” Tiffany tried to soothe me but it didn’t help. I thought the people who attended the party would make the evening interesting but I haven’t heard of anything but boastings and absurd flatteries. Even if I had only stayed in the room for about half an hour, I couldn’t stand them anymore. “Please?”

“But—“

“I’ll treat you to something. Anything.” Yunho cut me off, his eyes looked as if he was begging me. “Just stay here.”

My glance bounced from Yunho’s pleading look to Tiffany’s please-please-with-cherry-on-top look. Though I couldn’t imagine myself hearing another expensive trip to Europe or the numbers of BMWs someone owned, I nodded slowly, showing defeat.

“Yay!” Tiffany squealed. She hugged me tightly and dragged me to another corner. “I love you so much!”

I glared at Yunho who was trailing right behind me. “You owe me.” I whispered loud enough for him to hear.

He just smiled sheepishly as the relieved look tumbled down his face. “Thank you so so so much.”

The crowd around us gradually changed until I’ve become familiar with the people around the room. My eyes kept looking for something that I have no idea of when my gaze landed on someone at the back of the room. Taeyeon.

My heart throbbed. Yunho said that she wouldn’t be here but why was she standing there? I stared at Yunho who was talking to some guy with a white vest, ignoring my gaze on him. Tiffany was carried away by some of the girls I remembered having a class with. Meanwhile, Taeyeon turned and walked near Tiffany, hugging her to a point where it almost suffocated Tiffany.

From afar, I heard Tiffany and the girls around her say, “Jane!”

Jane? I blinked numerous times to make sure that my eyes weren’t fooling with me. And now that  I had looked at her carefully, I couldn’t find anything in her face or body that resembled Taeyeon other that her height and length of hair.

“Damn.” I cursed to myself. My heart calmed itself down but my mind was all over the place. Even after all these years, I was still attached to her. Regardless of the people that I have dated, she was the one that I compared all those people to. And now that I’ve resolved of forgetting her, even a person who simply resembled Taeyeon could make my heart throb painfully.    

I needed to get out of here. The sight of the crowd started to make me feel as if I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe. My feet carried me out the room and somewhere quiet when I noticed that I entered a bar. My chest felt heavy and though I didn’t intend to drink, I needed to wash away the memories, even if it was just for a night.

The bar was spacious and dimly lit. I could easily count three bodies in the room, including the bartender, because there weren’t many people drinking that night. As I made my way through the room filled with posh furniture, flat screen televisions, and crystal-like decorations, the bartender eyed me and got ready to take any order that I was willing to make.

“So, what will you be having tonight?” The bartended asked me with a light smile on his face.

I asked for something that would warm me up. In a matter of minutes, the drink was made and served in front of me. I sipped at the drink and have never tasted a good blend of flavors. When I looked at the bartender, he simply smiled and proceeded on to wiping the counter. Soon, the drink that I tried to savor was over. I ordered another one. And another one. And another one until I could count four empty glasses in my head.

“Why is a pretty lady like you getting drunk here?” A man asked me. I looked at him and realized that he wasn’t Korean. He had a pair of blue eyes, a chiseled and angled features, and a dirty blond hair that matched his eyes. “Want to go to my room to pass the night?” He spoke in Korean once again.

I stared at him. His face was familiar but I didn’t recall ever meeting him.

“Hey, Duke,” A voice filled the empty bar. My heart started to throb again. “we’re already running—“

She dropped her bag when she saw me. That’s the real Taeyeon, isn’t it? Wait. My eyes were probably tricking me like earlier.

“Hey, Taeyeon dear.” And those words gave answer to my question. The foreign guy beside me stood up and grabbed the bag for her. He looked good in a tux and beside Taeyeon. It was no mystery that I didn’t hear from her at all. “I was just trying to prove to you that I can jump boats anytime I want. See, I’m not  really gay. I’m bi.”

“Ta…Taeyeon?” I heard myself speak. My voice sounded so hollow.

Her frozen body moved as if a cue was laid out. She tugged on Duke’s hand and pulled him out of the bar, saying, “Let’s get out of—“

“Jessica?” Yunho’s and Tiffany’s voices were heard from a distance. It didn’t take them a while to come find us. “So you were—“

“Holy shit.” Yunho gasped as he looked at Taeyeon.

“Oh my God.” Duke’s jaws dropped as he stared at Yunho.

“Taeyeon…?” Tiffany’s expression looked like she just saw a ghost. “You’re… here?”

Taeyeon shied away beside Duke. “My crew is spending the evening here...” Her gaze flickered from me to Yunho to Tiffany then me again.  “I… I didn’t know you’d be here.”

Duke completely ignored Taeyeon’s cling and hovered to Yunho’s side. “So, what’s your name, pretty boy?” Duke’s eyes twinkled. Tiffany, Taeyeon, and I noticed it except for Yunho who was still shocked by Taeyeon’s presence. “You know, I’m a model. I’ve been looking for males like you who have this…” He looked closer at Yunho’s face. “beauty. I would like to work with you.”

Taeyeon pulled Duke out of Yunho’s side and tried to go out of the bar when Duke refused to bulge. “Duke, quit it.”

“Quit what?” He slid his hand down to his pocket and fished out a card. “I’m serious. He’s hot and—“

“Duke, we have to be somewhere else.”

“It can wait.” He brushed her off. Tiffany notices Duke’s hungry stare as he looked into Yunho’s appalled face. “Besides, here’s my card. We should talk more.”

Tiffany laughed, forgetting that Taeyeon was beside me. I looked at Taeyeon, carefully so that she wouldn’t see me looking at her but she was already looking at me with a tender gaze.

“I…” Yunho finally noticed Duke’s advances and tried to escape him but failed. Suddenly, he got an idea and told him, “you know, I have a couple of friends that are very interested. Maybe you’ll like them?” His face already showed that he wanted Tiffany to step in but she looked like she was enjoying it.

“Oh!” Duke laughed and placed his hand on top of Yunho’s shoulder, squeezing it. “It’s okay. I think you would suffice.”

“No,” Yunho stepped out of the bar quickly, his face pale and his hands shaking a bit. “you… you really have to meet them. Now.”

Tiffany held her laughter in until they are out of sight. “I have to see this.” She exited the bar with them and left the two of us alone.

“Wait!” I called for her but it was already too late since she was already gone. “Huh…” I sighed, my eyes automatically looking at Taeyeon’s.

“Well,” She mused, avoiding my gaze as she observed the bar and the bartender who was cleaning the counter. “it’s been… a while.”

So she didn’t read it at all?

My mind kept repeating the thought. I’d convinced myself that it was true. After all, if she did read them, there was no way that she wouldn’t call me, right? Or, maybe, she just didn’t want things to change. “Yeah.” I responded. “How have you been?”

She didn’t change at all. Even her expressions were the same as before. “I’m doing great.” She headed to one of the stools by the counter and waved me to come and occupy the next seat. “I’ll buy you a drink. Which one do you want?”

I asked the bartender for the same thing and was surprised to see her get the similar drink. She laughed. “When I drink with Duke, he always frowns at me for getting the same drink.” She slowly smiled at me; her gaze looked a bit melancholic. “How are you?”

I sipped at my drink, savoring the flavor. “I’m doing well.”

She grew silent. I looked at her then my heart started to ache with pain. The image of her looking somewhere else, avoiding my glance, it hurts. I knew that I should’ve kept the past where it belonged but I wanted something from her that I shouldn’t even dream of: to be with me.

I finished the drink and came up with a resolution. I was going to leave her, and I was going to leave her for good. Even if it would drive me insane, I would leave and smile while I tell her goodbye.

“Tell you what… Taeyeon.” I stood up, gathering my things. “I have to go. I’m pretty sure Yunho needs me right now.” She stared at me. “Goodbye, Taeyeon.” I smiled at her but a piercing pain threatened to wipe that smile away. “Take care, okay?”

“Jessica!” She grabbed my hand then pulls me to her. “Duke won’t harm him completely. I promise. But… I need to give you something. Can you stay until then?”

The place where she touched me started to tingle as if currents of electricity were surging over me. I intended to say no but the look on her face made me agree. “Sure.” I looked at my watch, trying to create a front that I wanted to be somewhere else. Regardless of how much I hoped for someone to interrupt us and drag me away, no one came to my rescue.

“It’s…” Taeyeon starts to fidget. “It’s not with me right now. Can we go to my hotel room?”

I shook my head, trying to stick with my resolution. “I think you should just ship it—“

“I don’t want to ship it when I can give it to you directly.”

I couldn’t find a reason to say no as I looked into her eyes. Though my mind was so set on leaving her for good, I stayed and went along with her as we travelled to her hotel room. We waited in the elevator in silence. She didn’t say anything and I had no desire to talk. My goal at that time was to receive whatever she wanted to give and leave for good. However, when my glance landed accidentally on her, the temptation of being with her attracted me.

“We’re here.” She said as the elevator door flung open. Taeyeon led me to her hotel suite and invited me in. “Just sit down and I’ll be right back.”

“I’m not going to stay long.” I said, determined to leave right away to avoid retracting my final decision. “You’re just going to give me something, right?” I stared at her but found that she was frowning. To lighten up the mood, I forced a grin. “I wouldn’t want my brother to be tortured by your friend, you know? Besides, Tiffany didn’t look like she was going to help him.”

“Yeah. I’ll be quick then.” Taeyeon scurried off somewhere and left me by myself. Ten minutes turned into half an hour as I waited patiently and nervously for her to appear again but she didn’t. Seeing that the door to her room was a few steps away from where I was, I proceeded on knocking on her door only to find it slightly ajar.

She was crouching over something as if she was looking intently at the floor by her bed. When she realized that I was watching her, she stood up and extended her hand containing the thing she wanted to give me directly: the leather book.

My throat dried up as I looked into her expressionless face. My stomach twisted in massive knots God, I know it already but why does it still hurt so much? The leather book that I used for my lists was being given back to me. No wonder she didn’t call or respond at all. She honestly didn’t feel the same way. I should’ve taken the hint a long time ago when she didn’t call… but it still hurt.

“I wanted to give it back to you personally but when I looked for you, they said you weren’t in Korea anymore.” Her hand was still extended so I took the book away from her. I tried to not show that I was hurt but my hands betrayed me as they were quivering.

“Did…Did you read it?” My hands automatically became familiar with the texture of the book and fumbled at the old pages. “Geeze. What was I thinking when I gave you this…” I tried faking a laugh, but what came out was this awful sound that couldn’t even be defined.

I wanted to go already since I knew that the pain from what Taeyeon would be saying was more than I could handle, but I was frozen on the spot. The legs that I have used all my life started to malfunction and wouldn’t listen to my brain’s commands.

“I did.” She looked at me.

A lousy “Oh” was the only thing that escaped my mouth. I closed my mouth, opened it and decided to close it again. What was I going to tell her anyway? My mind was completely blank… so what was I supposed to say?

“Why did you lie to me, Jessica?”

I couldn’t answer because there was nothing I could answer her with.

“Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to forget all about you after the last time I saw you? Just when I thought I was starting to be okay, I saw this goddamned notebook. Did you expect me to come back running to you when I read this? Or did you expect me to hate you for the rest of my life by putting this in my luggage?”

“I—“

“It doesn’t matter because you did accomplish one thing. I hated you. I hated you so much to the point of not wanting to see you ever again.” She took a step towards me; her eyes were glaring at me. “If you have any idea how I loathed you because you slipped that thing into my luggage…”

My jaw seemed paralyzed by words that caused a crack or two to my heart.

“God, I should’ve known better than not to open that damned thing. When I read the first page, ‘I only wanted to be Taeyeon’s roommate to be her fuckbuddy’. Do you have any idea how hurt I was when I read that, Jessica? A fuckbuddy? But no, that’s not the worst part.” She continued. “I was so stupid that I actually read more. I grew this stupid habit of reading one page each day, one page full of your fucking  bullshit. I finished reading everything two years ago but I read it again and again just so that I can tell myself that that was the reason why I should forget you. I should’ve done that, you know? That was the smartest thing to do. But why didn’t I?”

I gulped down. Her rage didn’t give me time to explain… but what was there to explain? Even she knew I was a liar, and that was all I did – lie.

“Do you know why I wanted to give that to you directly, Jessica?” She continued.

By her long pause, I knew I needed to say something this time. “No.” My voice became more of a whisper.

“So that I could tell you that I hate you. You know why?” She took a few steps towards the other direction as she fisted her hands, opening and closing it from time to time. “Because all these times I thought you were sleeping around so I did the same thing. I slept around since that’s what you did! You were supposed to be mine, but what? You went around ‘sleeping’ with others.” She chuckled humorlessly. “And to think sleeping with others wasn’t even the worst part. Not at all.” She let out another chuckle that sent shivers down my spine. “Remember those days you left me by myself? Do you? Do you know how lonely I felt at night when no one was there with me? That the person I trusted so much just up and left? Do you know how that feels, you fucking coward!?”

“Be… because being with you hurts.”

In fury, Taeyeon slammed the wall next to her. “Being with me hurts!? Try being with yourself for once! After that, tell me what hurts more!”

My jaws tensed as I looked at Taeyeon. Her chest heaved as if she was trying to calm herself by gasping huge amounts of air while her eyes landed on me with disdain for the words that I just said. “I… I…”

“Fucking liar.” She spat out of disgust.

Liar. You liar.! Her words created a void within me. I inhaled to keep my sanity leveled. Since it has come to this - to a point where Taeyeon could only dub me the title of a liar, there was nothing else left to do but explain why I had become one. After all, what was there to lose? I had lost her love, her trust, and most importantly, I had already lost her. To give the reason as to why I lied was to simply close our chapter, to give her more reasons to hate me and forget about me. “So you’re telling me, if I didn’t lie to you about those guys, you would’ve cared? You would’ve taken notice?” When those words escaped my mouth, I knew I couldn’t turn back now. Or at least I shouldn’t. “I told you I love you… I confessed to you… but you took it as a joke… so---“

“What did you expect from me back then? Take you seriously and be happy with you?  When you said you loved me, it was as if you were just saying it to have a conversation. Of course I won’t let my emotions get carried away because what?! I was thinking you probably were saying those bullshit to all your buddies!”

“But I never said I loved anyone else.”

Her head lowered and her hands were balled up into fists. I looked away, not wanting to see Taeyeon like this. Not anymore. I knew I was the cause of all this anger. “I hate you.” I heard her say. I didn’t look her way. I didn’t have the courage to look her in the eye since what she was saying was the truth, and that truth pained me miserably. I heard a loud thud, making me view the cause of it. I saw her fist on the wall and she said, “I. Hate. You.”

I clutched my notebook as I headed to the door. I didn’t want her to suffer because of me. If my presence brought her pain, then I wasn’t needed here anymore. Not by her at least. “I’m going, Taeyeon.” If I explained myself, would that reconstruct the already broken relationship, if it ever were a relationship? The aching in my heart grew steadily as she looked at me with her eyes. “It… was nice seeing that you’re fine. I’m—“

“I’m fine? Is this what defines that, huh? Really?” She asked more questions, but I reached for the knob. “What?!”  When I turned around, her petite body was in front of me, quivering a little. “You’re going to leave? Again?!” She spun me around, grabbed me by the collar and pushed me unto the wall. Weirdly, I didn’t feel the pain as my head hit the concrete. Was I too numbed? It didn’t really matter anymore. “You’re leaving again?! Just like how you left before? Is that the only thing you fucking know how to do? To walk away?!” The grip on my collar got tighter as she pushed me harder on the wall, rocking me back and forth.

“I…I’m sorry.” I pivoted my head to the side, trying to cover everything hidden on my face. I couldn’t bear the fact that she was right in front of me and I only knew how to hurt her. “I’m sorry, Taeyeon” I wanted to reach her hands with mine, but they didn’t move. I wanted to comfort her so badly but how? Her breathing was heavy as if trying her best to prevent herself to pour out all the anger that was bottled inside. It simply told me that there was more.

I gulped down, and as soon as the grip on my shirt tightened some more, I shut my eyes tight and braced myself for a slap or anything… anything that would cause me physical harm. But there was none. I only heard her spoke loudly; tremor accompanying her voice. “Sorry?! You’re not the least bit sorry! You don’t care at all! You don’t care about me! You say you love me but you do this?! You can’t even face me!” She banged the door with her palm, creating a loud noise that echoed through the room. My gaze soon dropped to the floor and I saw my hands shaking. Slowly, the grip on my shirt eased and she said, “Leave right now! I don’t care! At least just tell me that you don’t love me so that it won’t hurt as much! Go ahead and tell me right now that the only reason why you wrote this crap and gave it to me was to hurt me, and you had fun doing that! At least—“
    
“But I did love you!” I cried out, and looked at her. “I still do. I very much do, Taeyeon.” I tried to reach for her hands, but she dodged back, taking a few steps, as if I was infected with a disease. “Taeyeon, I’m sorry for lying.” I felt weak enough to drop the book to the floor and release the tears that I was trying to hold in. “I’m sorry. I truly am. But, believe me, I truly love you.”

“Right,” She laughed at me as if I said something funny. “of course, you ‘love me.’” She sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed. “Sure you do, you liar. Is this a part of your list? Because if it is, it’s pretty damn convincing. You know, just like your other lies.”

“But—“ A phone call interrupted me from speaking. When I looked at the number, it was Yunho’s. “Yeah?” I answered the call.

“Hey, where the hell are you?!” Yunho’s shout made me cringe. “Why did you leave the party?! Never mind that. Shit. The guy’s all over me. Get you’re a$s back here and...”
My eyes kept looking at Taeyeon’s as Yunho’s words became a blur. “No, I won’t be coming back. I’ll see you at the house later. Bye.”  

As I clicked the phone, Taeyeon said, “Why aren’t you leaving? Didn’t you want another excuse to leave me yet again? That’s the perfect excuse. At least I would know it’s not a lie.”

“No. I’m not leaving.”

“Go. We’re done. Finished. Get out.” She threw a pillow at me again, hitting my chest on the process.

“I’m not leaving, Taeyeon.”

I slowly approached her, causing her to take a few steps back and stopped when she hit the corner of the bed and the nightstand. “Wha… wha.. why! Didn’t you just say you are?!”

I gulped down once again to clear my throat. “Taeyeon.” She finally was inches away from me, and she didn’t have the space to run away.

“No! Get out! I don’t want to hear any more of your bullshit!” She hit my shoulders a couple of times, pushing me towards the exit, but I wouldn’t budge. Even though it was painful, I knew I just needed to do this. One last fight. One last thing to do to prove to her that I did love her, and I still did. “Please…” her tears were becoming evident as it situated in her eyes. I truly didn’t know if seeing her tears were more painful to me or those punches and slaps she kept sending. I just didn’t want to be the reason for her tears any longer. “just… just…give me more reasons to stop loving you.”

“Taeyeon…” Her hand was stretched out, not letting me go any nearer. This distance… was it the closest I could ever be? But I didn’t want that! We’ve been parted for so long, and now I was so close, I couldn’t even keep her in my grasp? No! I knew I needed to do something.

“Get out…” It was merely a mumble. It was as if she was tired, really tired of all the things that she went through. The Taeyeon that was standing in front of me was the same Taeyeon I loved, and still loved. And I needed to get my message across. I needed her to give me one last chance. Or at least hear what I had to say. “Jessica… get out.”

I used up all my strength to grab her from the back of her neck, pulled her forward and kept my arms around her. I was embracing her like there was no tomorrow because it really did seem like I would lose her the moment I’d let go. She was struggling, pushing me back, trying to get away from me, but I wouldn’t allow it. Not now. Not right now when she was locked in my arms.  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I really am.”

“You’re not. You’re a liar.” After saying those words, she sobbed like a baby as she clung on to me. “I hate you.”

“I know…” I ran my fingers through her hair, trying my best to calm her down. “I know… I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I’m sorry.”

I could feel move as her face was buried in my shoulders. But if I heard her correctly, she must have said, “You better.” Her grip on my shirt was firm. “You better.” With her words, I knew I got what I had always wanted… her.






When we awoke, I was lying beside Taeyeon whose head was rested on top of my chest. As I looked her in the face, I noticed one thing that wouldn’t be naturally there with both of us on bed: clothes. For the first time ever since we met, we headed to bed together and woke up with clothes still on.

I took a few minutes to stare at myself, fully clothed, and Taeyeon, who was also fully clothed. She slept with a pleasant expression while her arms were wrapped around me. I was about to her cheek when her phone rang, causing her to stir and reach for it.

When she was done with the call, she turned to me with a benign smile. “Morning.”

I stared at her for as long as I could, convincing myself that I wasn’t dreaming at all. That somehow, this was my reality. “Good morning.”

After the awkward stances, simply looking at each other without uttering a single word, we finally got of the bed and ordered food. We slipped out of Taeyeon’s room and saw Duke with some guy who looked like a Korean model, sitting and chatting while drinking steaming, hot coffee in the small dining area of their suite. “Well, lookie here.” Duke grinned at me. “Jessica… the girl that my partner fell in love with. Even I would like to—“

“Duke.” Taeyeon eyed him. “Be nice.”

“I’m not even going to say anything bad.” He raised his hands up in a surrender-like pose, laughing. “By the way, Taeyeon, Jessica,” He gestured at the gentleman beside him, grasping his hand very tenderly. “this is Donghae.”

“So this is the Donghae you’ve been talking about before?” Taeyeon smiled at him although she was a bit surprised. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t tell him how you’ve been naughty.”

“Be quiet, you.” He sipped at the coffee while looking at me. “Now that we’re both taken and aren’t looking for people to mess around with… Oops,” He then eyed me with a playful grin. “I wasn’t supposed to say that, was I?”

“It’s not true.” Taeyeon threw Duke a glare. “I’m not like you, alright? I don’t like to mess around.”

“Shh!” Duke pretended to growl at Taeyeon. “Donghae’s here!”

Donghae stood up and kissed him by the lips then looked at his phone. “I have work but I’ll stop by later, okay?” He then turned to us with a business-like smile. “Nice meeting you, Taeyeon, Jessica.”

“Same to you, Donghae.” Taeyeon grinned.

“Likewise.” I managed to say.

When the door clicked shut, Duke turned to me then Taeyeon. “So… you two are officially together now, huh? Wouldn’t you be sad, Taeyeon? I mean, Jessica’s hot.” He looked up and down at me then smirked. “Really hot.”

“If you’re trying to say something, won’t you just hurry up? Or do you want me to call Donghae just to restrain you?”

“Hey, that’s not nice. You know Donghae’s the jealous type. He’s just so cute that way.” He grinned so widely that it showed his dimples. “Anyways, back to what I was saying. Won’t you be sad that you’re only going to have with only one hot girl?”

“So you’ve had multiple hot girls before?” I looked at her; her eyes were wide open.

“Yup, she’s had plenty!”

Taeyeon immediately hit him on the arm. “Shut up! I didn’t sleep with anyone! Okay?!”

“Sure,” He rubbed his arm. “you didn’t. By the way, you’re an for hitting me. Damn you. Hitting a delicate person like me.”

“Shut up.” Taeyeon growled. “I haven’t had sin---“

I raised my brow at her, “Since?”

Taeyeon seemed flustered, blushing and looking away. I couldn’t help but giggle at the sight.

Duke took his cup of coffee then hugged me very tightly, taking my attention from Taeyeon to him. “But seriously, this girl is really desperate. I treat her like a sister and I care for her very deeply. Please,” He released me from the hug then tenderly stared at me. “take care of her, okay?”

I nodded like a little child, listening to my parents.

He grinned then turned to Taeyeon. “You. Stop being… I don’t know. Just stop it.” He laughed as he went to his room.

“Stop being what?!” She shouted at him but he didn’t reply.

For a minute, we stood there awkwardly without saying anything to anyone. Taeyeon headed to the counter top where their coffee maker was set. She poured two cups full, handing me the other one. “Thanks.” I muttered as I sat down with her, where Duke and Donghae were.

“You’re welcome.” She muttered back.

A moment passed us by without saying anything. As Taeyeon and I sipped for coffee, Duke screamed, “WHAT THE HELL?!” He came out of room, clutching his right foot as he hobbled to us. “Whose is this?!” He waved the leather book in front of us. “It killed my toe!”

As he was waving it from left to right, I stood up and took it from him. I apologized for misplacing it, causing the death of his toe. Taeyeon attended him while I was left to stare at the book that contained all the lies that I had made and the lies that hurt Taeyeon. The trashcan stood near so I slipped it in the bin.

“Ah… this hurts.” Duke groaned as he headed to his room, almost clinging to wall as he dragged himself. “Donghaeeee…. I need you right now…”

The door shut silently. I turned to Taeyeon, and clutched her hand. “I’m sorry I lied. I can’t give you any explanation why I did. It’s stupid, I know. And, I’ll apologize again and again and again. But, this… us…” My grip tightened. “I love you. I really love you. I want to be with you. And I’m not lying this time around.”

For a moment I felt her return my grip, but she slid her hand off. Before I could think of anything, she drew me in an embrace as she whispered in my ear, “This time, no lies, okay?”

“No lies.” I coiled my arms around her waist and buried my head into her neck. “Taeyeon, I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She ran her fingers through my hair then pulled herself away from me to press her lips against mine. “I love you, too.”


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Your comments, inputs, complaints... anything... they're appreciated. 

I really hope you like the final out come of our story after so many revisions.  Thanks to Danica for this.