words / 1055

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This always happens. I don't know why it always goes like this but I just can't stay. Even when I thought that I have finally found the one I love like he's my everything and he loves me back just like that - it just doesn't work like that. Even if the guy is sweet as hell and does everything for me, I just can't help but be so selfish and leave him. 

Finally when I thought that I found the love of my life I can't help but leave. Why? That's what I don't know. He just doesn't fill the part of my heart and I still feel lonely. So lonely even I'm with him. 

"I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry even now you're here I'm lonely. I'm so selfish, I ain't worthy of your heart. Wait here and watch me walk away."

 

 

I was sad. I felt a tear slid down my cheek as I walked away from his apartment. This wasn't the first time this happened but always it felt so bad. It always hurt so much, no matter who it was. Why this always happened to me? I couldn't understand. Why I couldn't love such a sweet and loving guy like him? He was perfect. He treated me like a princess. He treated me like I was his everything, just like I hoped. 

 

I just hoped that he would be my everything too. But no - it happened again and I had to leave. I just had to leave him there heartbroken, but eventually he had to heal himself. The sooner the better. I wasn't worth of his love so it was better if I left. And so I did.

 

It wasn't like I didn't like him. It wasn't like I wanted to do this. I didn't want to hurt him. But I still did. But it hurt me too. I didn't understand. Why it was always me? Why I had to be the one walking around these streets with this broken peace of heart? The one with broken and lonely life, the one with fragile soul, the one without love?

 

I smiled a little when I looked around and saw many couples around. So many loving couples it made me cry even more but I knew no one would notice. I wasn't bitter or angry, I was sad and lonely. Maybe it was supposed to be this way? Maybe I'm supposed to be the lonely one, with broken and lonely life, the one with fragile soul, the one without love.

 

I'm starting to believe in it. Maybe I should just go on and forget about love. Forget about who I am or these people around me. Maybe I should just leave this all and start all over - but there was only one question.

 

Did I want it?

 

No.

 

But did I want more broken hearts?

 

No.

 

And if I continued like this there would be even more broken hearts and that was something I didn't want to.

 

My smile cracked as I saw  a man who kneeled in front of that beautiful girl and pulled out a little box. The girls face was so surprised, yet so happy and her gaze loving. The man opened the box and it revealed a little ring. I just stood there watching as the girl jumped on her man and they both  fell to the ground laughing and crying, from happiness. 

 

There was not even a trace left from my smile as the tears slowly flowed lower. I took couple of shivering breaths as I slowly turned around and started to walk away. Again. I didn't even try to wipe my tears away, I knew they would return. I sighed and closed my eyes as I smiled sadly. 

 

I felt so lonely.

 

I made my way to the park where we always sat and watched the sun set. Now I sat there alone watching the sun set, with no one around. I could feel the cold wind through my jacket which sent me shivers but I didn't care. I think I deserved it. I sniffled and closed my eyes from the sun which only mocked me for being always so alone.

 

Suddenly I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and someone wiping my tears away.

I opened my eyes and saw a familiar pair of sweet, loving big eyes. He smiled.

"You looked like you could use some tissues."

 

His voice sweet as ever and I tried so hard to understand what was happening. I swallowed as my breathing became uneven.

 

"J-Jonghyun..."

 

He just smiled even gentler at the sound of his name even when my voice was so hoarse. 

"You really think you can just come into my life and become my everything and then just leave? You really just came from nowhere and made me fell in love so badly I didn't know it could happen. You proved it wrong, though. I love you so much, you're just perfect - from outside to inside," there was no bitterness in his words, he was just speaking from his heart. How could he say I'm perfect? I'm the one who broke his heart not long ago.

 

"Yeah, you really did when you told me you were going to leave. I just couldn't believe it's true. Why would you leave me? What did I do wrong? Wasn't I enough? You never said you loved me even when I did. I noticed, but I didn't mind. As long as you were with me everything was possible and I was still able to make you fell in love with me.  But then you just left. Why? You really think it's so easy to get rid of me? You say you don't love me. But you don't hate me either."

 

I lowered my gaze as I listened his words. 

"You don't understand..." I whispered.

 

"No, you don't. You say you don't love me and you feel lonely. Then the only way to solve this..."

I closed my eyes as I feared his next words. I wasn't sure what I was scared of because I knew he would hurt a fly. Even though I hurt his feelings he came here.

 

 

"I'm going to make you love me. No matter what it takes."

 

And I smiled more genuinely that ever.