September 2013

Our Jongin,

Are you ok? How was the trip to New York? Was the flight too uncomfortable? You did put on the jacket I gave you, right? Is your apartment ok? Did you get indigestion because of the strange food? Remember you can’t eat junk all the time. Use the recipes I packed in your suitcase!

Please don’t be mad for sending you a letter. I know it’s old fashioned, but I wanted to do something special for you. Something you can keep and read from time to time. Maybe…

Everyone here misses you already. Chanyeol-hyung and Baekhyun-hyung don’t play so much these days and Sehun looks practically depressed, because you were the only one close to his age. Suho-hyung is worried sick about you.

I’m worried too.

I feel a little bad too; for forcing you to take that scholarship. But it was such a good opportunity! And now you can practice dancing all you like and become someone famous.

I might be here, far away from you, but I’m rooting for you, Jongin-ah.

  Kyungsoo

                                                                                                         October  2013

Jongin-ah,

How are you? Are the classes fun? Did you make many new friends?

I guess you must have been busy, since you didn’t reply to my last letter. Well, be strong and don’t overwork yourself.

Eat well too. Maybe it is because I like cooking so much, but I keep worrying you’re not feeding yourself.

Everyone here is doing great. We’re studying too. All except for Sehun. He’s just playing around. Which is normal, I suppose, since he’s a freshman. 

I looked at your photos in Twitter and it looks like you’re having fun.

I’m happy for you.

A little lonely, but mostly happy.

                                                                                           Kyungsoo

December 2013

Dear Jongin,

Merry Christmas! I hope you had fun during holidays.

Suho-hyung said you thought about coming over to see us, but I told him to make sure you didn’t do anything like that. It’s not that I don’t want to see you, you know that. I just don’t want you to spend money carelessly for a stupid reason.

Also, I’m sorry I didn’t write last month! You didn’t write either, so you can’t be very mad!

Seriously, it’s not such a big deal to write a letter. I don’t see why you refuse to do it…

I’m back to my hometown for holidays. I had a lot of things to do last month, so I didn’t even call my mother. Now that I’m visiting she looks very happy.

She baked me cookies and I’m feeling a little nostalgic, because I still remember the taste of last Christmas’ cookies that we ate together in the skating rink.

I won’t lie. I miss you, not from time to time, but all the time.

Be healthy this year too.

Kyungsoo

January 2014

Jongin-ah,

Happy New Year! I wish your dreams come true this year.

I hope my dreams come true too, but that’s a little unlikely, as it turns out. You see I’m not as strong as you are and my dreams are always so selfish and difficult to accomplish.

Still, I won’t give up. Don’t give up either, ok?

Everyone says I should stop it with the letters already, since you’re not replying anyway, but I don’t want to. I’ll keep writing to you, until you stop being mad at me for sending you away and start seeing me like you did before.

Study hard and make many friends. Don’t be rude to people, ok?

Hurry up and answer to me,

Kyungsoo-hyung

February 2014

Jongin-ah,

How are you this month? Is it raining there? I heard it’s very cold right now in New York. Wear warm clothes, ok?

I’ve decided to take a break from my studies for this semester. I’m feeling a little tired and I don’t think I’m interested in singing or acting anymore. I know you’ll say it’s strange, but people change right?

I must have changed too.

Have you changed, Jongin-ah..?

Without me noticing, have you stop being the annoying and cute kid you used to be? And do you hate me now? Despite never showing your love, I thought you did love me, deep down.

 Was I wrong?

Have you changed?

Just answer me this,

Kyungsoo

May 2014

Jongin,

Should I be mad? It’s been half a year and you haven’t talked to me once.  I only hear about you from Suho-hyung. He says you’ve changed your number and you don’t feel like talking to me right now.

Are your new friends so much better? I’ve always considered you my best friend. Maybe, at some point, even more than that.

But this wasn’t the case for you I guess.

Have those feeling you said you had, left? Or were they never there in the first place?

Kyungsoo

June 2014

I didn’t write to you because I missed you. Not because it’s been too long since we last saw each other.

Not this time. I won’t be nice, this time.

How is your life in New York- I won’t ask about that either. Suho-hyung didn’t want me to see the photos. But I did anyway.

All I’ll say is that, even though it’s not my business, some of your boyfriends –or do you call them just one night stands?- really look like decent people. So stop mistreating them!

But it’s not my business, right?

I still remember how often you told me that, when we shared a room. ‘It’s none of your business’ and ‘mind your own business’ were your favorite words back then. But I thought you were just being shy.

Do you still say these things to poor, unsuspecting lovers?

I should stop asking, since you’re not going to answer anyway.

I won’t tell you how I’m doing. You don’t care about details like that, I know. You never did. Not even when I cooked dinner for you every night. Not even when you wore my pajamas and stole my jacket when you felt cold.

‘Thank you’, ‘I love you’ I think you must have said these words a couple of times, but did you ever mean it? I don’t think so. Because you didn’t look me in the eye when you said it and you didn’t smile.

You never smiled.

In the end this letter is useless.

 Utterly worthless.

 I have nothing to tell you and there is nothing you want to hear from me. Perhaps you won’t even get up to this part. Maybe you’ll be smart enough to see the sender’s name and just throw it away.

Kyungsoo

August 2014      

Jongin-ah,

I’m sorry.

I spoke harshly to you last time. I was mad – completely crazy. I don’t hate you, you know that. I regret judging you like that.  It’s only normal to start dating after all this time. You’re young and handsome and…  I get it.

It’s just that it’s been too long. And maybe now it’s quiet. Maybe it’s too quiet and I can’t take it anymore.

No matter how you felt about me, I always loved you. I always cared and worried – at least believe that much. Don’t question it…

For this great sin that I must have committed to make you so angry at me, I’ll apologize for it now.

I know it was I who insisted that you go to study abroad. And I remember how much you hated leaving. But now I’m regretting it.

Terribly.

My writing is muffled, I’m aware of that. It must be because I’m not feeling so well lately.  Please bear with me for a while longer. Just a bit more.

Can’t you just grit your teeth and keep reading? Can’t you push yourself, only this once and answer me?

A word would be enough.    

Kyungsoo

September 2014

My Jongin,

It’s been a whole year since I last saw you.  Has your face become even prettier? Are you eating well? Is dancing fun?

I keep wondering about those things. 

I’ve been looking at our old photos together. I thought I had your image always in my head, but I really must have forgotten you a bit. Now that I see your dark and handsome face again, I feel like I’m falling in love with you from the start.

Is it too late for us?

I want to touch again. To touch like we used to. Your wild lips, I miss them like crazy, right now.

Hyung is being annoying, that’s what you must be thinking… Since you’ve moved on already.

But what can I do when I still hope we can turn back to how we used to be?

You should just ignore this.

Ignore me like you’ve done all this time.

This hyung has lost it. He’s in love all on his own.

Kyungsoo

October 2014

Kim Jongin,

Let’s not meet again. Let’s not talk again. I won’t write to you anymore.

Goodbye,

Do Kyungsoo

Jongin's POV

Kim Jongin looked blankly at a white piece of paper and a neat careful handwriting that showed no emotions whatsoever. He felt the hole inside his chest growing bigger and bigger.

Why was hyung acting like this?

One year ago he had ordered him to go to America to study.

‘I don’t want to go. I hate leaving Kyungsoo-hyung alone. Please… just let me be by your side.’ He had cried back then. Cried and begged. But Kyungsoo would hear nothing about it.

Now his hyung said he loved him and that he never wanted to see him again.

And he could not hold back anymore. He had to answer these letters. Tell him the truth. Tell Kyungsoo he missed him too, that he loved him… that all those other guys meant nothing at all.

The sound of his cellphone going off broke his thoughts.

“Yoboseyo?”  A familiar voice said from the other side of the line.

“Suho-hyung?” Jongin raised his eyebrows curiously.

“Jongin-ah! Is that you?” Suho-hyung asked.

“Yeah, hyung. It’s me. What do you want? Do you have any idea how late it is?” The dancer rubbed his temples.

“Never mind that. Hurry and come back to Korea!” His hyung said in a hurried tone.

 “Why? I told you Kyungsoo-hyung doesn’t want me-” Jongin was a little mad at Suho for making him say it.

“That bastard, Kyungsoo… Aish!” Suho cursed.

“Hyung what is wrong?” The boy’s fingers pressed around the cellphone.

“Kyungsoo, he’s sick.”  The hyung confessed, making the other lose his breath.

“What?! Is he very sick?” He raised his voice worriedly.

“Hurry and come Jongin-ah. He-he…” Suho trailed off.

“Hyung, stop scaring me! Kyungsoo-hyung… he’s okay, isn’t he? He’s going to be okay…” Jongin shouted, not even caring about the time.

“Jongin-ah you must come now. There’s not much time left.” Not much time left… The dancer felt dizzy and he fell back on his bed heavily.

“Not much time… Are you out of your mind hyung? Kyungsoo-hyung sent me a letter. It came last week.  It can’t be…” Now even the words had a hard time coming out of his mouth.

“He’s been lying to you Jongin-ah! Lying! Don’t you get it? That’s why he insisted you go to study abroad. He knew this was going to happen. He knew he was dying.” The hyung explained and now it suddenly made sense. It all made sense. And it hurt. Everything hurt.

“I… Hyung… Are you trying to drive me crazy? Kyungsoo-hyung can’t die!” The tears flowed down his face and soaked his shirt.

“Hurry up Jongin-ah. Just come.”

A/N: So yeah, not a very happy-go-lucky story. Kind of angsty...

Apparently all Kaisoo fics are like that a bit. 

I'm just going with it. 

BUT wait till the Epilogue. I cannot stress this enough!

I'll update soon!!!!

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