There had been plenty of boys before, and Ren had never hidden his past excursions from Baekho. He wanted to be in a truthful and open relationship, where he didn’t feel like he was hiding anything. He hadn’t felt so secure and loved in a very long time, since high school when he’d gotten with one of the ‘bad boys’ in their school, JR, and had a two year long, whirlwind romance until they’d both grown up too much and realized that it wasn’t meant to be.

Baekho was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He made every day worth living. Made Ren want to be a better person. Having someone as perfect as Baekho in his life gave him a reason to try to improve. The one thing he couldn’t improve was his anger management issues.

If Ren had one problem, it was hot-headedness. He acted rashly without thinking about the consequences, and in his experience his actions didn’t usually end in good results.

“You’re completely worthless, Ren. You have nobody and no one and you never will. You’re completely soulless,” Minhyun bit out at him, scathing and biting. Beside him on the couch, Baekho stared resolutely down at his cell phone as though nothing were happening. Ren couldn’t do anything but sit there and take it, listening to his once friend talk to him like he was the lowest piece of on his shoe. “I want to just bash your ing face in.”

Minhyun was all bark and no bite, so when his rant was over, he stormed away, leaving the mess behind. Ren sat on the couch in silence as he leaned his head against Baekho’s shoulder, panting like he’d ran a mile. Then and only then, Baekho took action, cuddling Ren and smoothing his hair back. He whispered cooing little words of love and adoration, and Ren closed himself off to ignore it.

He was torn between wanting the words of love and comfort and wanting to lash out. Where had this adoring boyfriend been when Baekho’s friend had been spewing words of venom and ire at Ren so hatefully? He’d been sitting there and ignoring it. He glanced up at Baekho and saw sadness on his face. The sadness was misplaced. How could he look sad now when they were alone but have absolutely no reaction when Minhyun was in the room?

He needed air, so he grabbed his jacket and left the dorm, telling Baekho he’d be back soon and trudging down the street. Sure, he knew Baekho and Minhyun had been friends for longer than Ren had known either of them, but was their friendship really so deep that Baekho could let him act so harsh toward his boyfriend and never give it a passing thought? His phone buzzed and he glanced at the screen quickly.

“I’m sorry this is happening,” it said, from Baekho. “I’m telling him off.”

“Harm is already done though,” Ren texted back. “He already said it.” A surge of anger coursed through him. “And you let him. Sat right there and didn’t do anything.”

“What was I supposed to do? You know I hate fighting. I thought I should let you handle it on your own.”

In WHAT world was that the way relationships functioned? He was left alone, weaker than Minhyun and already emotional, because who wants to be called heartless and worthless? His own boyfriend, texting his friend what? What would Baekho say to Minhyun that could explain just how wrong he’d been? ‘You are still my bestie, but you shouldn’t act like that.’? His inaction before had been more than enough to show Minhyun that he wouldn’t be fought. Minhyun had fair game to go at him without fearing Baekho’s reaction, because there would be none.

“Yeah I handled it just fine, didn’t I?” Ren shot back.

“He needs me,” Baekho replied, obviously sensing Ren’s feelings. He’d always had an open emotional grid for Baekho. “I’m the only person he has.”

What about Ren? How many people did Ren have like that, who could do or say anything they wanted to Baekho and Ren wouldn’t be able to come to his defense? He couldn’t think of a single person that he could ignore their flaws and let them act the way Minhyun had acted toward Ren, to Baekho. If Minhyun had Baekho, who had Ren? Did anyone have him? Or was everyone so focused on someone else that he just fell through the cracks?

Ren put Baekho first, always had. Baekho seemed to always put Minhyun first, in the way he allowed Minhyun to get away with every single thing he ever did wrong. Minhyun had nobody that he cared enough about to put them on any sort of pedestal. He came first in his own life. Who cared about Ren enough that Ren could honestly say they were there for him, siding with him for anything and everything?

The resounding truth was that Ren didn’t have anyone. He was constantly on the fringes of the lives of the people he cared about. They might care about him, want him to be happy, but nobody cared enough that they would help him be happy, like a loving adoring boyfriend was supposed to, for instance. If there was one thing he’d learned in his life it was that if you wanted something, you had to get it for yourself, because there was nobody you could rely on to get it for you.

But wasn’t that the way you were supposed to feel in a relationship? Like you had someone with you, at your back, rooting for you the whole way and cheering you on? Not like your partner’s best friend was allowed to spit hateful, vile threats and insults at you and your partner wouldn’t bat an eyelash. Not for the first time, he wondered if he’d made the right decision taking his relationship with Baekho from friendship to something more. Nothing felt more right to him. He loved Baekho in a way that transcended everything else.

But how long could he allow himself to be placed on the back burner? The tears were clouding his vision, but he crossed the street to get back to their dorm. Was that the light telling him to go? He stepped off the curb, and the first thing that registered was the loud, shrill sound of a semi-truck honking a horrifyingly close distance away.

The weightlessness he felt after the crash was a relief. He didn’t feel much pain, just a little headache. The one thing he didn’t feel the most, however, was sadness. He didn’t have to face it anymore. It was over, and Baekho would be fine.

He’d always have Minhyun.