I.  Plot

II.  Characters
   Points Earned: 8/10

      I really liked the characters.  Even though we really didn't get the name of the narrator until end, I liked that you could feel his personality the entire time.  That's something that's hard to do in one-shots, so I congratulate you for that.

      With that said, however, we didn't really get much of a feel for Ella or Aaron.  Ella didn't appear until near the very end and Aaron was the villain that then became the hero.  We don't really get their personalities, which kind of makes them bland.

III.  Spelling and Grammar
   Points Earned: 5/10

      Here's a big problem: the first sentence "The wide expanse of my room seemed to shrink inwardly against me." and the second sentence "The light emanating from the dim moonlight is faintly luminous through the blinds of my curtain." don't agree with one another.  The first sentence is in past tense, but the second is in present tense.  It makes it sound "off" to the reader and is kind of confusing--we don't know whether you're talking about five minutes ago or right that second in time.  The first sentence should be "The wide expanse of my room seems to shrink inwardly against me."

       "Scattered pieces of shattered vase, that failed to cushion its dried petals..." this is a piece taken from the second paragraph.  What is "it" referring to?  I think you mean some sort of flower, or maybe the shape of the broken glass pieces.  If you were referring to something other than the shattered vase, you need to put another noun in before the word "it".  "It" is a pronoun (a part of speech that refers back to a noun, therefore, the noun must be stated before the pronoun), like "he" and "she" (there are others).  Pronouns needs the noun it is referring to placed before it because that is what "it" is talking about.  Here is an example: "The ball bounces."  "Ball" is the noun.  Now, we will continue the sentence: "The ball bounces.  It bounces high."  "Ball" is still the noun and "it" is a pronoun.  "It" is referring back to the ball.

       Another thing I noticed from the second paragraph is "...on a little garage sale."  Watch out for prepositions and prepositional phrases.  Do you mean "on" a garage sale or "in" a garage sale?

       The third paragraph used "seemed" again.  It should be "seems".  "The warm comfort my room once offered seems to disappear gradually each passing night." still seems sort of awkward.  Instead, try "The warm comfort my room once offered seems to disappear gradually with each passing night."

       There was a lot of problem in the fourth paragraph: "Where did everything started? How did everything turned out this way?"  Generally, thoughts are typed in italics.  There was a lot of problem with the agreement of the words in the sentences.  Firstly, you went back into past tense.  It should be "Where did everything start?  How did everything turn out this way?".  That fixes a lot of the problems grammatically in these two sentences.

       From the third paragraph on, you were again writing in the past tense.  Think about the previous verbs you used.  Are they present or past tense?  Which do you want them to be?

       "I did him favours to add up spices in his pursuit on her."  This sounds awkward.  First of all, the phrase "pursuit on her" seems the most awkward; it would sound better and read better as "pursuit for her".  Also, "...to add up spices in his pursuit..." seems sort of strange; it would sound better as "...to add spice in his pursuit...".

       "Come to think about it. If only..." The first part is a fragment (not a complete sentence).  Sometimes, fragments are used for emphasis, or to really push a thought into the reader's mind.  However, in this case, it would be more appropriately used if it had a comma.  Also, the phrase "Come to think about it" isn't exactly what Americans say.  We say "Come to think of it".  This whole section would be better as "Come to think of it, if only...".

       "I wouldn’t be pretending that everything is all right; that I feel happy for the both of them."  You used the semicolon incorrectly here.  Semicolons are used to separate two independent clauses (two complete sentences).  It would be more appropriately written as "...that everything is all right, that I feel happy...".

       "I know I’m doing the right thing but until now, I still kept on convincing myself to let her go." You don't need "still" in this.  Since you said "until", we already know you mean up till that point in time. Also, "I know I'm doing the right thing but until now, I..." contains a sort of negative (not meaning "bad" but the word "but" shows a contrast from an earlier thought) contrast in the sentence.  It should have a comma before the contrast in thought, so it should be "I know I'm doing the right thing, but until now, I...".

       "The way her eyes would look at me, speaking to me in a silent plea. The way her hair frames the soft features of her angelic face. The way her smile can add an extra thump in my heartbeat. The way her cheeks would blush every time I give her the roses that Aaron asked me to give her. The way she would hold my hand to display her sincere act of gratitude." In this paragraph, you were fighting back and forth again with your tenses.  "Would" indicates future tense, but then you used "give", which is present tense.

        "It’s already seven o’clock of Valentines eve."  "Valentine's" is possessive here.  It's the Eve that belongs to Valentine.  Also, "eve" should be capitalized; it's a proper noun.  Again, watch your prepositions.  "Of" seems awkward here to an American reader.  It should be "on" to make the sentence "It's already seven o'clock on Valentine's Eve."

        At one point, you made a typo.  "Aaron", not "Arron".  You actually made the mistake twice in the same paragraph.  This mistake carries throughout the story.

        You don't agree "on" someone, you agree "with" someone.  But if you agree with someone, you can agree "on" a topic.  That rule comes into effect here: "I gladly agreed to him."

        "And as I get to know her more, I fall for her deeper." This is very strange.  The adverb (the verb's descriptive word) should be closer to it or it seems odd.  It would flow better if you put "...I fall deeper for her."  But you don't really fall "deep", do you?  I would think that you fall farther.  But this is talking about love, and there is the expression that you "fall deeply in love".  Try "...I fall more deeply for her."

        "I’ve never had enough sleep at all since I realized..."  This is really, really awkward to read.  When you read the first five words, you think "he's never had a full night's sleep?"; then you read "...at all since..." and you get really confused because of how awkward it is to read.  Try "I haven't had enough sleep since I realized...".

        "If only I can be selfish enough, I am not suffering by now."  Well, if you intend to stick in future tense, then this should be "If only I could be selfish enough, then I would not have to suffer."  "Am" is the present tense of the verb "to be" in English.  That whole second phrase is completely foreign-sounding, like I would have come right from a foreigner's broken English.

        "Collusion of feelings consumed me and I feel torn."  Are you sure you mean "collusion"?  You used it correctly as a noun, but a collusion is a word for a "secret agreement to do something unethical or illegal".  Maybe you mean "collision"?

        "...I know that I cannot possibly betray my friend, even if it means depriving me of happiness."  "Me" is incorrect here.  It should be "myself".

        "I stepped into the moist cement and fixed my sleeves. The wind blew across my raven hair, messing with them."  When you say stepping into moist cement, I get the image of wet cement, cement that was just poured.  Is that what you mean?  If so, they would probably get stuck.  Perhaps you had another problem with your prepositions.  I think you mean "onto", not "into".  With "The wind blew across my raven hair, messing with them", your pronoun and noun aren't in agreement.  "Them" is a pronoun to describe more than one person or thing.  "Hair", in this case, is a singular noun, meaning that you're only talking about one thing.  "Hair" is describing the full head of hair, but it is still singular, therefore, you're pronoun "them" doesn't agree.  It should be "...blew across my raven hair, messing with it."

        "Until now, I have to remind myself..." Get rid of "until".  "Until" is incorrect here.  He didn't need to do something until now, he needs to do it starting now.  Change it to "Starting now, I have to remind myself..."

        "...I’m only the matchmaker; and that I have to do this for my friend; not for myself."  You used the semicolon incorrectly both times here.  It is not proper grammar to put a semicolon and a conjunction ("and", "but", or "or") together; you do that with a comma.  Also, to use a semicolon, you must have two complete sentences on both sides of it; "not for myself" is not a complete sentence; it's a fragment.  The whole thing should be changed to "...I'm only the matchmaker; that I have to do this for my friend, not for myself."

        "Self-consciously" is not the word you are looking for.  In English, to be self-conscious means to feel worried over what people think of you.  It doesn't mean to go into the conscious part of your brain and, of your own will, to assure yourself of something.

       "I want to tell her how I feel for her."  He wouldn't be feeling for her, he would be feeling something about her.  Change it to "I want to tell her how I feel about her."

       "I tried to swallow the lump forming on my throat."  We don't say something forms "on" out throat since our throat isn't on the outside of out bodies.  We say "I tried to swallow the lump forming in my throat."

       "I smiled, after much difficulty."  There shouldn't be a comma there.  There is no pause in speech or thought there.

       "I on my breath..." I think this was another preposition problem.  It should be "in", not "on".

       A lot of these problems continued on, but your spelling and vocabulary is actually really good.  Just edit the chapter for your tenses and prepositions and you should be good to go.  All the advice I can give you is to fix these mistakes with editing and fix the ones that follow. 

IV.  Miscellaneous (Bonus!)
   Points Earned: +1/0

Overall Score: 24/30 

Additional Comments:

• I really liked the opening quote you used.  It has a lot of meaning and really makes you concentrate on love.
• The entire story was fighting which tense it wanted to be--present or past.  Sometimes (mostly towards the beginning of the story), the verbs were present tense, but from the very beginning, there were verbs in past tense.  You even eventually got into using future tenses when you used the word "would".
• There was quite a bit of trouble with prepositions and prepositional phrases.  This are fairly common in non-native English speakers, but they do affect the flow of the story as a whole.
• Prepositions and tenses are what you struggle with as a non-native English writer.  They are pretty difficult concepts to grasp in English, but they are definitely your weakest part as a writer.
• The actual story when you put the mistake aside was actually really cute and pretty original, so good job on that.  Don't stop writing either!  Just study English a little harder and review the things in this critique if you need to, because I'm sure once you're grammar gets a little better, you'd be sure to get noticed for your writing. ^^