“Maybe that’s how it is,” I answered in almost a monotonous tone. “You allow someone to hurt you because . . .”

“Because you love him!” Hye Sun butted in. She is my officemate and my best friend. “You are in love, EunJi. Admit it!”

If six months ago somebody told me that a woman could be head over heels in love with a man, I would have snickered. No- I would have died laughing! For I never believed in love with the opposite . Period. Call it companionship, or physical attraction, or desire, or whatever. But romantic love? No way!

“But . . . but we’re just friends!” I insisted.

“Baloney! Do you think I will buy that?” Hye Sun pulled her coat from the chair and gave me a cynical smile. “You said that you often dine out with him, he brings you home, he calls you, you call him. Twenty-second century is moribund, my dear. You,” she said, pointing her finger to me, “are both duping yourselves in thinking that you’re just friends.” She stood up and headed for the door.

“Oh, by the way,” she almost forgot to say goodbye, “somebody’s gonna pick me up early. See you tomorrow.”

I haven’t taken my eyes off the door that had just closed when it swung open again.

“Forget him, will you?” It was Hye Sun again.

Forget him? How could I? We had fun, Key and me. We make a hell of couple. Our friendship didn’t click right away, though. We’re on opposite ends. He’s cool; I’m cranky. He loves swing; I dig jazz dance. He listens to soft and sentimental music; I prefer rock. He asks a lot of questions; I do most of the talking. Opposite forces attract. Our only common bond, I suppose, was our love for food and some wacky, sometimes stilted, conversations.  He would laugh at my corniest joke. He never get tired of my inanities. I could be anything I want to when I’m with him.

Everything, however, seemed to change when he was sent overseas by his law firm, where he is one of the top lawyers, for a convention. I had sleepless nights when he was away. Me having sleepless nights over a guy? Incredible, but he was at the foot of my bed when I’d wake up in the morning. I could see his shadow on the glass of my car. He was in front of my office table. He was a waft that I could see everywhere.

---

Key finally returned. “What happened to you?” he asked upon seeing me and Hye Sun as we were about to go out of our office. “You have lost weight.” He came closer. “And look at your eyes. They’re sunken. Have you been sick?” His usual cross examination.

“Ehem!” Hye Sun said as she tried to walk a bit faster. Then she stopped and faced us. “If you’ll excuse me, I will go ahead of you.” She walked briskly away from us before I could say a word. There was silence. I looked down.

“Okay, now.” Key held my chin up. “Have you got problems?”

I was speechless. After mustering some courage, I look squarely at his face. “I won’t beat around the bush, Kibum. I had sleepless nights when you were away. But I really don’t know what’s happening to me.”

All the time I was talking, I could see from the corner of my eyes his face in sheer astonishment. He was waiting for my next words as I stammered. I took a deep breath, then asked, “Are we in some kind of a relationship where, you know, there is. . . there is commitment and deep feelings. . .and. . .”

I didn’t know what to say next. I could hear my heart pounding. If only I could recant what I said.

He looked up as if waiting for some heavenly intervention. And looked down again. “Actually. . .” That’s all he said. He shook his head.

I could clearly see the transformation of his face from surprise to sadness.

“I’ll give you a ring at your office tomorrow, EunJi,” he said as we slowly walk along the narrow catwalk in the parking space. Until we parted ways, he never said a thing.

Doubt and fear shattered my consciousness. Was he angry? I always felt that there was some kind of bond that held us together. Although he never spoke about his feelings, it was mutual. Was it love?

---

Days passed. For some time, I didn’t hear a word from Key. I called up his office but the person on the other line said that he’s on indefinite leave.

“Aren’t you going to give us a hand, EunJi?” Hye Sun asked as she and some officemates prepared some props for an office party. Everyone’s busy and happy. Except me.

“I need to go home early. Got to fix some important things at home.” I told them without even realizing what those things were.

The rain gently pattered my windshield as I was cruising along the street where Key’s office stood adjacent to ours. I noticed some kids playing on the flanks. How I wish I were a kid again! I wished I hadn’t felt this painful feeling they call love. And so, finally, I concede. I can feel the stabs on my chest. Literally. Key let me know how it is to walk on cloud nine, to run as the next president and be confident that I’d win. But, boy, this time was too short. Is he some kind of a sadist?

I was about to swerve to the right lane when I saw a familiar figure. The sadist!

I thought Key saw me too. But then he decided he didn’t; he flagged down the cab behind me.

I pulled over about half a meter where he was standing. I rolled down the window and peeped out. “I can drop you off wherever you’re going.” I noticed that the rain was getting heavier.

“Oh, gee, thanks,” he replied. He had no choice.

“Where is your car?” I asked as I step on the gas.

“It’s in the auto shop.” He placed the books he was carrying over the dashboard and folded his coat neatly on his lap. “I had a head- on collision with another car a week ago.” He took a breath and squinted over my shoulder.

“Oh, really?” I glanced at him. Was his mind as troubled as mine? “Were you hurt?”

He took a deep breath. “Not at all. The headlights just need to be replaced and some painting job is needed.”

Silence. We were both waiting for each other to talk next.

“I was transferred to one of our branches,” he finally said.

Was he transferred or he asked to be transferred? The car suddenly gathered speed as I stepped on the accelerator, gnashing my teeth. I was trying to suppress the anger that suddenly surfaced.

“Aren’t we going too fast, EunJi?”

Rat incarnate! He didn’t even notice that I was contemplating homicide, or was it suicide?

“Will you pull over, please?” He might have sensed the huff as my hands were quivering while I held firmly onto the steering wheel. “Let’s talk, okay?” he said.

That’s what I’ve long wanted. A simple talk. He left me hanging. “Damn! Why do you have to leave?” I said loudly as the car screeched into a stop.

“Please, EunJi. You care for me, don’t you?” He held my hand as he tried to appease me. My voice dropped to a whisper as I sobbed.

He held my hands tighter and squeezed them. He moved closer; I can hear him breathing heavily. I tried to shove him, but he’s strong hands pulling my shoulder towards him prevailed over my objection. His lips covered mine, almost smothering me. For a mad moment, I felt the world stand transfixed.

He dropped his shoulder back to the car’s chair. Long silence. “I’m- I’m doing this for you,” he stuttered. “I’m leaving because. . . I love you.” He looked at me, his eyes begging for empathy. “Can’t you understand?”

I will never understand.

“I’m afraid we’re getting so attached to each other.” His eyes seemed fixed on a faraway object. “Where getting nowhere. We might find it hard to let go in the end.”

Why would two people so in love with each other have to let go of the feeling that was so right?

“We better stop seeing each other,” he said. It felt like hammering of the last nail on the coffin. The love that burgeoned fell to a swooping, loud thud. He took his things from the dashboard and lifted his coat from his lap. “I’ll get off here,” he said as he was opening the door. “Give me a call if you still want us to talk.”

He closed the door gently and slowly walked away. Key was one person who hates prolonging misery.

“Where are you going?” I asked him as I rolled down the window.

“I’m going home,” he said without even looking back.

For Key, home is where a wife and kids are waiting. I know it from the outset, but his company was all I wanted. Or perhaps, all along, Hye Sun was right. When his lips touch mine for the first and the last time, I realized that we have long been fooling ourselves into believing that we were just friends.

I saw him finally take a cab. I felt a lump on my throat and some mist in my eyes. That guy, Kibum. My first love. Why can’t it be him and me? There are a lot of questions, and there are answers, too. But the reasons are not enough.

Right before shifting the gear to neutral, I caught sight of a book peeping from the car’s glove compartment. Somebody gave it to me as a birthday present last summer. I opened it to where a marker had been placed. Although my eyes were foggy and blurred, I could still clearly read the underlined verses:

“Love is long- suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up. Does not have indecently, does not look for its own interest, and does not become provoked. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.”

I looked up from the book that I was reading. The rain had stopped. The sun’s rays had splattered on the trees’ leaves that are still moist from the sudden downpour a while ago. I revved up the engine. Soon I would be home.

---

To all Christians, the verse came from the Book of Corinthians.

Hope you like the story.

God bless.