I’m sitting under the shade of  an oak tree. The whole place is dark, I don’t know where I am, I can’t see anything. The ebony surrounding makes me blind. It's also rather quiet, it's the first time I hear silence for quite a long time.

I remain voiceless, not even moving. I’m starting to ponder and worry, this is strange. I feel that I can’t move; I feel that my mouth was zipped. What is this? Where I am?

The silence I’m hearing is slowly breaking off when a voice calls my name repeatedly. The voice is familiar, but I don’t know who it is. Soon, another voice comes in. He’s also calling my name in tender and calming voice, the voice I desire to hear. Their voices are echoing inside my head. I’m worried, yet, I feel euphoria when hearing their tones. I like it, I need it, and it feels like I’m in a paradise when I’m hearing their undertones. It’s sweet, rather so much calming, it’s giving me chills down my spine. This is like cloud nine. I demand to hear those voices longer.

The darkness I’m seeing a while is gradually replaced by the blinding ray of the sun. I squint; the bright sun is hurting me. After a little while, I finally open my eyes, adjusting myself with the sudden light. Right when my eyelids fly open, I see my parents, far from me, waving their hands as if it’s a farewell. My heart starts to pound hard inside my chest in fright that I will lose them. I’m scared, I’m afraid that they will leave me.

I try to get up but something is preventing me to move. I want to chase them, I want to tell them don’t leave me but I feel that my mouth is forcefully shut. I close my eyes in despair, I don’t want this. What’s happening? Where I am?

I open my eyes and the darkness and the silence once again take place. I’m confused and frightened. This is horrible, I want my parents back. I look around the place, and apparently, I can only see darkness revolving me. The sweet voices aren’t here anymore to invigorate me. I lose my hope; my determination is constantly decreasing. This is hopeless. I close my eyes once again and right when my lids enclosed, I feel like I’m being drag away, it’s hauling me out from this terrible and perplexing place.

I open my eyes when I feel like I’m not dragged anymore. The blinding brightness of the sun is the first one I see, glaring at me as if it is rejecting me. I feel like everything is spurning me in this world. I feel like I didn’t belong in this earth, and was just pulled with force to live.

The darkness is replaced by the usual things I’m seeing. My pillows, my bed, my closet, and everything inside my room tell me that everything happened earlier was just a horrid dream. I sigh in relief, although it’s kind of freaking me out, that dream, I think it’s still good. I mean, the dark and the silent surrounding makes me calm, it’s refreshing, and it’s invigorating my whole body. It’s the atmosphere I always wanted to live in. The atmosphere I always desire.

Abruptly, my thought is blocked by the shouting, arguing, cursing, loud thuds, and many noises. It’s deafening me. It makes me want to go back in my peaceful dreamland. These usual noises are once again ringing my ears. I don’t want to hear these. I’m tired, my mind and ears are weary.

I cover my ears under the pillow in attempt to escape the noises that was like a nightmare. They are fighting again, I hate this. Why should I need to live in this tragedy?

As long as I’m trying to ignore my parents’ argument, my warm heart can’t. I’m worried, what if something will happen? I know, in thirteen years of my life with them, I know that they can’t kill each other. But I still can’t help but to think about that. It isn’t impossible, everything wicked can happen when they are both burning with anger.

It’s enough, I run rapidly out of my room and rush to my parents’ room just next to mine. I stop when I see appa, with his fists clenched and  his red face. We both look at each other. Appa, is he crying? His swollen eyes are hidden under his palms as he pass by me. I can tell he’s hurt, with the tears he wiped to hide in my sight is telling me his inner feelings.

I snap out of my thought when I heard umma inside the room. I dash to her side and asked her, “Umma, are you okay?” I crouched and see her face, drenched with tears.

She looks at me with those vindictive eyes. “Do not touch me.” She told me with the obnoxious tone I’m tired in hearing. She gets up from squatting and storms out of the room.

Once again, ignoring me. What should I do for them to take time with me? It feels like I’m being stab too many times, with appa’s hurtful looking eyes and to my mother’s cruel orbs.

I shamble out of the room, still with lugubrious feeling I’m carrying. I shut the door and walk in the kitchen, still shambling.

I sit down on the wooden chair and eat the foods that were prepared by appa. They are only bacons and eggs.

“Seunghyun, I’ll walk you to your school today.” Appa told me as he sits down in the chair across my direction.

I should be happy with what he told me but I don’t know why I can’t feel any jubilation in my body. It sounds rather plain for me to be anxious about. “Neh, appa.” I just nod my head in agreement. This is an unusual thing but I’m neither excited nor happy about this.

“Appa… why you’re always the one cooking? It should be umma’s job, right?” I asked, building up a conversation. I don’t want this opportunity to talk with my appa to waste. Appa seems like he’s not in the bad mood, but I’m not saying that he’s in the good mood; it’s just that he looks apparently nice today.

Appa rolls his eyes. “That vexatious little creature doesn’t even know how to cook. I shouldn’t pass this responsibility to her.” He said with a very ostensible sarcasm in his deep, manly voice.

I chortle a bit on appa’s statement. I found it amusing since appa is teasing my mom which is kind of rare to hear. “Appa, that’s a bit harsh.” I commented while chewing my food. It’s great. Finally I had the chance to talk to appa not too earnestly and painfully, instead a frivolous one.

Appa slides a small smile in his lips. “She deserves it anyway.” He remarked.

I chuckle. I’m enjoying this time with appa. At least now, I think he’s better than umma. Umma is always solemn and stern; I never see her smile.

But with this time with appa, although I never want this conversation to die down, I need to clarify something that I’m not able to with their critical remarks. “Appa, do you mind if I ask a question?” I queried him, breathing in and out heavily in jitteriness.

Appa shakes his head. “Go on.” He allowed me to.

I breathe once again, can’t handle my thumping heart in trepidation. “A-Appa… in the brighter side, I mean, by any chan—“

“Straight to the point, Seunghyun,” he says. His eyes are leaving me more anxiety in proceeding.

I bite my bottom lip and finally had the courage to look directly at my appa’s curious orbs. “D-do… do you love umma, appa?” I eventually told my question.

Appa remains silent, maybe thinking twice as an answer to give. This reaction is what I expect. I can read in his facial expression that he’ll say that he loves my umma. I have a strong feeling that I’m right.

“I don’t and never will.” He replied bluntly.

Too much to my dismay, I’m thinking the wrong thing. But I can’t just give up here, I need to pry more until I can finally hear him say that he really loves Taeyeon umma. “Not even a bit feeling for her, appa?” I asked him, impatiently waiting for a response.

“Not even.”

My world is just crashing down with the words I’m hearing. “Frankly?” My determination is still in me. I’m not convinced; I need to know his true feelings. At least, even umma doesn’t love appa, I still have a reason to live in this world... only if appa told me that he loves umma.

“I don’t want to repeat myself anymore.” He said casually like it won’t affect me at all.

I just bob my head up and down in chagrin. I’m stupid. With what they always do, I’m still expecting this unfeasible thing to happen? I’m such a retard.

“Appa, why you keep on arguing with umma?” I asked.

Appa lowers his head a bit before looking in my eyes earnestly. “You want an honest answer?” He asked me with unreadable expression from his face.

I swallow and nod my head. “As possible, appa.” I told him, giving him back the sedate look.

“Mostly, it’s about you.” He blurted out without even hesitating.

My heart clenches hard on what I heard. They are always arguing because of me. The foolish me. The thing I hated the most is caused by me! What will I expect for? I’m the one who is the intruder here. I shouldn’t think too far just because appa treats me nice today. Yeah, just this freaking day. I became ambitious. What am I thinking? Is that even possible? My tears want to fall out from my eyes but I’m trying my best to hold it, to be tough, to be valiant.

“Appa, one last thing…” I said, my voice can’t help but to involuntarily tremble in so much pain I’m feeling. Appa nodded his head. “Appa, do… you even love me? Do you acknowledge me as your son?” I hopelessly asked my appa. I can’t help it anymore, my tears just flow out of my eyes, falling like a water fall.

Appa just stares at me. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know what will be his possible answer. I don’t want to anticipate, I don’t want to think too far, because it will just hurt me again and endlessly again.

“Ask your umma to eat now.” Appa avoided the topic.

Disappointed, why can’t he answer me now? I need it. I don’t want to just sit here, not knowing if someone really cares for me. I don’t want to just live in my reveries that I know that will never come true. I don’t want to be clueless, why can't he say if he loves me or not?

I nod, still obeying my appa’s order. I have no choice anyway.

I march my way to my mother and stand in front of her like I’m a statue. “Umma, good morning.” I greeted, despite how I’m feeling grievous on what happened.

Umma looks at me like she’s going to eat me. “It should be always good but you made it bad…or worse, I mean.” She vicously told me with those woebegone looks in her dainty eyes.

Another knife stabs my heart. How many knives are there to stab me? “I’m sorry, umma. The breakfast is ready.” I bowed my head, not wanting the scowl in my face to be seen by umma.

Umma lets out a sigh of anger, or most likely, a sigh of disgust. “I don’t want to eat with you. I’ll just puke when I see you.” She despised as she walks passed me, bumping her shoulders against mine since our heights are just almost level.

I sigh in once again umma’s burning words. I want to understand them. I don’t want to be angry but they are making this very hard for me. They are still my parents; I still need to respect them although they don’t really deserve it.

I ambulate back to the kitchen and see appa, still not finished with his food. I sit down on the chair and continue my food as well.

“Appa, umma doesn’t want to eat with me.” I informed him, feeling rather hesitant to say.

Kiseop appa nods his head and leans his back. “Do you think I would like too?” He asked me. Too unexpectedly for me to hear that gains me another stab.

I suspire. I don’t want to keep this loathing inside me. But I can’t let it out. “Appa, why do you both hate me? You should love me like most parents do, right appa?” I asked in despair.

Appa stops in chewing the meat and looks at me with a solemn look. “We’re different. Your umma and I made you accidentally… without love, without affection. We just made you unwittingly. It’s just the effect of the alcohol.” He explained to me that once again gain me another big stab, another scar, another atrocious truth. “You’re a burden to us. Why do you think we will love you?” he asked me calmly, but that calmness is the opposite on how it affects me.

“You mean, you don’t love me appa?”

Appa nodded his head and purses his lips. He then looks at me again with the same looks in his eyes. “I don’t and that’s the abhorrence truth.” He mumbled but audible enough for me to clearly hear. I can feel tears slowly gather around my eyes but as long as I can, I’m holding it from falling out, though it's already flagrant.

“But I love you appa. I love umma, why can’t you two love me?” I asked in so much anguish.

Appa coughs and shifts his gaze to me. “I don’t even want to learn it.” He casually said. He gets up from his seat and walks away. Away from my disgusting presence.

This whole thing is agonizing. Why do I need to suffer like this? Did I do something sinful? Or I’m the one that should accept the consequences to what my parents did? I’m in too much muddiness. I don’t know what to think. My mind is too tired and worn out to think of something anymore.

I get up from my seat and saunter to my room. I toss myself on my comfortable bed, letting myself to bounce from the hard impact. I sigh, again. I sit down and pull the old and dirty paper from my drawer.

“My Wish List”

My stupid and implausible wish list. I wrote it down when I was eight years old. The age when I still strongly believe that my parents will make up. But now, in my present age, I don’t think I still have that strong feeling. It’s nearly impossible to achieve.

I’m not changing the paper where I scribbled this because every day, every single day the sun greets me, my hope is decreasing, eternally.

I suspire with my thought. I stare at the shabby paper for one last time before I put it back down to its old place. I lazily climb off my bed and walk to the bathroom to get ready for school. And, oh, I remember, appa will send me to school. What a crazy life.

After I took my bath, I quickly slide my uniform and walk out of my chamber. Waiting for appa to come out, I stomp my feet with rhythm. I look at the wall clock and fifteen minutes more, I’ll be late for my first class. I bite my bottom lip, still waiting for appa to walk out of their room. I’m slowly losing my hope. The tick tacking of the clock makes me panic.

Finally after the years of waiting, appa burst out in the living room, with neat dress and simple hairstyle. I never thought that appa will waste so much effort just to send me to school.

“Appa, let’s go now.” I said, holding onto my appa’s sleeve.

Appa tilts his head. “Seunghyun, where are we going? Did I promise you something? Ah, I’m sorry, I need to go to your halmonie.” He said, totally forgetting the "oath" he told me.

I just nod my head. I can’t believe it. I wasted my time to wait for nothing. Really, Lord, why you’re letting me feel so awful to myself? I lower my head in frustration.

I breathe in heavily. Usual thing, I’ll walk to school on my own, again.

***

My classes are already done and I decide to just walk around in the playground first before going back to our mournful house. I’m sitting on a swing, watching the children, cheerfully playing with each other, not worrying or carrying heavy feelings. I wish I am just like them. I wish that I was born just a normal child like them. Playing along happily, enjoying every rides… How I wish I can do that freely, blithely, and without this big rock inside my heart.

“Hey, kid!” I look up to see where the voice came.

I bite my bottom lip at the sight of this big boy, Woo Sunghyun, my mortal enemy. “Are you going to ridicule me again?” I asked, knowing what he’s purpose on calling me.

He smiles at me derisively and sticks his tongue out. How I wish that I could pull out his long tongue so he can never tease me again. “Yah! Lonely, huh?” He jeered while spanking my head, hard enough to feel pain.

I swallow, I don’t want to argue with him at this moment. “I’m always lonely, can’t you see?” I asked, raising my volume a bit.

He cackles and hits my head with the ball he was holding. “Pabo! Do you think I’m blind? For me not to notice that grating scowl every day?” He queried as he continues to bounce the ball on my head.

“Stop bullying me.” I said under my breath.

I heard him chuckle mockingly a bit before he lifts up my head using his index finger. “How can I stop when you’re all weak?” he asked with the hint of contempt in his voice. “If I were you, I’d rather leave my parents if they are always like that!” He told me, slightly being emphatic in every word of his sentence.

His advice renders me to gulp. “What?” I asked in unmitigated confusion.

He once again let out a raucous chuckle. “Heh, my parents are like that too. They hate me so I hate them too. I ran away from our home, and look what happened to me, living gleefully in bliss.” He stated, bragging the outcome of his great escape.

I’m shock on what he told me. I never thought he is like me too. “But, living with no money, with no food.” I retorted, not acquiescing on his statement.

“No, no. It’s easy, just snatching other’s food, but of course you need strength to do that.” H