I am the living example of regret; where no amount of atonement can help wash away the sins and guilt that are eating me up inside. It was all because of a wrong decision that I thought was so right, leading to consequences that are irremediable. The biggest victim of it, was someone whom actually worth more than I had ever valued.

Brought up in an environment of conspiracy and betrayal, where even my closest kin told me to believe in no one other than myself, an innocent girl proved that there is still someone like her whom I can place my trust in. When I was losing faith and treading on the edge of despair, she taught me to believe in the power of determination. There were no days I could mark as bleak when we were together, for she was always there with that infectious smile, the stimuli for my happiness. She simplified my life, but I tainted hers.

In logical sense, I should have forsaken everything and escaped into her safe and carefree world. Only in there, I can find peace and love. But why… had I not done so? What could have been if I had a little more courage? There is really no one to blame, but myself, for all the tears that lulled me to sleep every night.

She has been living in my mind for the past two years and I can't seem to shoo this tenant away. The silence in this memory-filled place is a painful reminder of the empty spaces she has left. Yet, there was nothing I can do to fill these voids, when the faded scent of hers lingered strongly in my life.

Not even this bulky fellow hanging faithfully from the nape of my neck, which I used to affectionately name it my best buddy, could replace her stark absence. With familiar routine clutches, I held it up, took aim of a particular corner of the room and weakly forced down the shutter button.

Fine angle, fine shot, but something is missing.

Clamping down my bottom lip as I lean against the wooden window sill, my thumb sentimentally brushed past a particularly familiar picture from the camera. In exactly the same setting, she was there with her favourite food, flashing a contented grin. She is really photogenic, so much so that I enjoy snapping away the tiniest things that she did. Still, even the best of the best images I have taken will never be able to justify Miyoung’s beauty, when I couldn't capture her most attractive asset; that pure and gracious heart.

How nice would it be if I could manipulate life in my own profession? With an easy click, I can delete any bad shots that I have taken. However, I can’t do the same for memories. Made an awful one and it sticks with me forever.

Or maybe it’s just hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

Without her, the days seem longer but life seems shorter when there are no meaningful futures to plan and built. Gradually, I became lazy to bother about every other thing in this world, when Miyoung is the only one that truly mattered to me. This long road of guilt and loneliness seems like a life sentence that I have to serve. But if this is what it takes to heal those fissures I’ve made in her heart… I Kim Taeyeon willingly accept.

Keeping a distance away from her kills me, yet, this should be the best I can do. Should I smile because she will be happier without me, or should I wrench because of this lost love?

This is when I can’t seem to differentiate happiness and heartache anymore.