Lee Jinki is sitting next to me.

Lee Jinki is sitting next to me in the bus.

Lee JInki is sitting next to me on the way back from a school trip.

Lee Jinki is sitting next to me, and his words are echoing through my head.

You're just scared, Kayla. That's all.

I turn around and look at my best friend, Kim Kibum, sitting at the back of the bus with his new friends, chatting and laughing away. Leaning forward, clutching his stomach, with tears in his eyes. The sound of his laughter was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. Was because now he's laughing at some mean jokes about another kid made by his friends and the laughter sounds just as mean, just....as wrong. Not the beautiful sound I'm used to. I hardly recognize him these days.                                                                  

Jinki's words leave my mind long enough for another to enter.

It's Friday night. How long before Kibum's high?

As that thought lingers, Jinki's words return. 

You're just scared, Kayla. That's all. You haven't lost your faith. You're just scared.

"Kayla," Jinki speaks from the seat next to me. I turn quickly. I don't want Jinki to realize I had been staring at Kibum. I turn so I can see Jinki's profile. I look into those deep brown eyes and stare at the soft brown hair that frames his face."I can see why you're so confused," he says.

So many girls would die to be where I'm sitting now. To be in my place as the one who is loved by him. But I'm not looking at Jinki. I'm listening. "I doubted my faith when my sister died. She was hit by a car a few years ago. She was in a coma for a week. I just sat there wondering how God, who was supposed to be so loving, could also be so cruel and let her suffer."

I turn so that my back is resting against the bus window and I'm cross-legged. Jinki does the same, so we're sitting face-to-face. Our knees press against each other, and my long legs feel cramped. His back is against the arm rest. It must be more uncomfortable for him than for me.Yet, I know he won't complain.

"What happened?" I finally ask. I don't to pry, but I want to hear, to know the whole story.

Jinki is still for a second. He takes off his glasses and folds them gently. He closes his eyes and rubs his lids before he picks up his glasses again. He doesn't start talking until the delicate, white rims are perfectly placed on his nose. 

"I realized Jiwon wasn't suffering and there was nothing I could do to save her." A small tear is gathering in the corner of his eye. I can almost feel his pain. "I realized I was the one who was suffering." He tries to hold a sniffle. He loved, loves, her a lot. They were really close. He was there for her just as she was always there for him.He misses her greatly but he tries to be strong and go on with life.

I try to crane my neck back to look out the window behind me. "It's different watching my friend suffer," I try to tell him. I can't look him in the eye anymore.

"No, it's not," Jinki says. He places his hand on my chin and guides my face back so I'm looking at him again. "Your friend is dying slowly, and you have to watch. There's nothing you can do." I let out a small, forced chuckle and look back at Jinki. "What was that for?" he asks.

I suddenly feel ashamed. It's almost as if Jinki has walked in on me while I'm getting ready for a shower. I'm embarrassed at what he can see, but I'm also ashamed. I'm . All my emotions are exposed with nothing covering them in front of the love of my life. I'm like an open book to him.

"You're the only person who's ever told me that," I say. He looks puzzled. I try to explain. "That there is nothing I could do about it. Everyone seems to thinks that if I were a good enough a friend I could convince him to stop. They don't see how I've tried. They make it seem like I don't love him because I don't make him stop."

"I'm not accusing you, Kayla." He emphasizes the word "I'm." We sit silently. I place my hand on my knee. I feel Jinki's warm hand cover it.

"You're right," he says.

I know he's not talking about whether or not I can make Kibum stop. "About what, Jinki?"

"Your suffering is different from mine. From what I went through with Jiwon.." My eyes stray briefly to Kibum, and then back to the deep, mahogany eyes. I wonder why Jinki believes this. I don't even believe it, and I'm the one who said it. Jinki takes my hand and grasps it tightly. Any day I would have felt sheer joy at this gesture. If it was any other day I would have been on cloud nine. But now it was for comfort, it was comforting.

"I never thought there was a way to save her," he explains. Something is trying to hold my eyes to his, but I pull away, feeling the need to turn my head. "You feel you can save your friend. I knew my sister was going to die. You have to live not knowing whether this will kill your friend... Or when."

I look away, staring blankly at the teachers in the front of the bus. Jinki grabs my other hand, interlocks his fingers and places our hands on his knee. I look at him. He wipes the tears from my cheek with his thumbs. Tears I didn't know were flowing.

"You're scared, Kayla," he repeats. he doesn't let go of my hand as he takes my chin. "You're scared, Kayla. You haven't lost your faith. Don't ever lose your faith. You're just scared."

This time he lets me look down at my crossed legs. A tear falls into my lap. We stay this way, with our hands resting on Jinki's lap offering each other silent comfort until the bus pulls into school.

Once I'm home I go straight to my room. I bury my head in the pillows and the tears cascade down my cheeks.

I'm crying because Kim Kibum is dead.

I'm crying because Kim Kibum the person is alive and off partying somewhere, but my best friend, Kim Kibum, the one I knew, is gone.

                                                                              ~THE END~