title: before they fade
pairing: sunggyu/myungsoo, mentioned!sunggyu/woohyun
genre: romance, bit of angst. (iguess)
rating:pg-13
summary: they're building memories so that when sunggyu forgets them, myungsoo can remind him.
disclaimer: I just own the story, not the characters.
a/n: just an idea i wanted to write out and because aiden grimshaw inspires me, a lot. 

Hold on to your stars before they fade
Before they fade, they fade – Aiden Grimshaw “Hold on”



He doesn’t pull away when Myungsoo’s hand finds his own and his fingers slide between Sunggyu’s and hold on tightly. “I’ll wait.” He says, tightens his fingers and Sunggyu unconsciously gives them a squeeze of his own. 

“I can’t stop it you know,” Sunggyu finally looks at him and even if the words he says aren’t exactly what Myungsoo wants to hear, just him at least looking at Myungsoo makes him show a relieved expression and he curls a hand against Sunggyu’s cheek.

“It’s okay.” Not okay to give up, not okay to not look at Myungsoo, not okay to tell Myungsoo to not wait, but it’s okay for Sunggyu to be too scared to stop what is leading him to an end where Myungsoo doesn’t fit. It’s okay if Sunggyu is just scared, and doesn’t know how to stop it. 

“No—” Sunggyu shakes his head and inhales softly, he wants to say it’s not okay, but the words dies on his tongue and he swallows it, it feels bitter and heavy in the back of his throat. 

“You know,” He feels a small smile curve against the corner of his mouth and looks at Myungsoo “I love you, okay?” 

Myungsoo seems to let the words sink in, seems to try to understand why Sunggyu is saying them when he already knows it. He doesn’t really need Sunggyu to tell him to know, he knows it by the way the blood of his fingers has been cut at how tight Sunggyu is holding onto him. 

He also knows it by how no matter how scared Sunggyu got before he would still come look for him, would still come to Myungsoo and let Myungsoo reach for his hand and tug him close, and lean in and he would let Myungsoo press fluttering kisses against his chapped lips. 

Sunggyu wasn’t meant to be his to begin with; still, Sunggyu gave him more than he thought he could ever get from him. It took a lot of time, a lot of longing for Sunggyu to open up and accept the first touch, like a scared heart, not really ready to start falling in love again or to believe in being loved again.

And Myungsoo tried and tried until Sunggyu finally stopped putting up walls, until he finally got Sunggyu to come back without an ounce of hesitation. Then from one night each week, it turned into two days, then all the days of the week. 

Bit by bit, instead of Myungsoo reaching out, Sunggyu started reaching out too, started searching for Myungsoo’s hand in the space between them, started going in and asking for Myungsoo’s mouth. 

But Sunggyu couldn’t be his forever, and this is why he was so reluctant in the beginning, now their time is running out.

“Don’t wait, please don’t.” Sunggyu pleads one last time, because he wants to make sure they break it off with a clear note but Myungsoo is too stubborn. He knows this, this is why he gave in, because Myungsoo’s stubbornness made it easier to let himself be pulled in and forget that this shouldn't work. 

“I won’t come if you wait, I’ll forget about you and I won't let you drag me back into this again.” He looks down as he says this, because he doesn’t have the strength to look at Myungsoo’s face when he says those words, he doesn’t have the strength to look at what they’d od to Myungsoo’s eyes. 

He waits for Myungsoo to give in—no he doesn’t want Myungsoo to give in, he really doesn’t want Myungsoo to say “fine, then do it, forget about me, us, I won’t wait for you.”—Sunggyu quickly shakes his head as his sight gets blurry and tugs on Myungsoo’s hand, “Don’t let go.” 

He doesn’t easily cry, he’s never let one tear fall out when he lost Woohyun, he never let one single tear out when Woohyun left, but then he’s about to leave Myungsoo and it hurts more than when he realized he lost Woohyun because Woohyun didn’t want to risk him waking up one day and realizing he doesn’t even know who Woohyun is. 

Because Woohyun would be hurting more than him and Sunggyu knew he was being selfish to hold onto him knowing he couldn’t promise him to not get hurt. Then Myungsoo came when he decided he didn’t want the pain anymore and no matter how hard he tried to push him away, Myungsoo pushed back softly, and with each bittersweet push he gave against Sunggyu’s heart he probably broke it open. 

With all the past fear, and all the past shattered memories. 

Myungsoo doesn’t reply he brings Sunggyu’s hand to his cheek and presses it with a smile, “I can’t really do that, because you’re holding me.” 

Sunggyu bites on his bottom lip and can’t believe it but he lets out a small laugh and then shakes his head, not really surprised that Myungsoo can make him laugh in this situation but then he feels lighter than before. He tilts his head; he’s always felt a bit stronger holding Myungsoo’s hand.

He’s always a bit too weak when he goes back home and realizes an empty bed is waiting for him. 

“Can I,” Sunggyu’s cheeks flares up but not from real embarrassment more from an actual shyness Myungsoo is still getting used to when he sees it on his face, “Go at your place tonight?” 

Now this is a surprise, Myungsoo arches an eyebrow and Sunggyu’s face turns redder and he quickly shakes his head, “I—I just, I don’t want to go home.” He says quickly, catching up before Myungsoo misunderstands. They’ve only been as far as heavy make outs and he wants to stick to that even if they don’t have much time to know what going further would be like. 

“Sure, we should probably leave now, looks like it’s about to rain.” Myungsoo says and helps him up and as they start walking Sunggyu looks up and yeah, he has to agree, the clouds looks dangerously close to letting out rain drops. 

He turns his attention back to Myungsoo who is looking straight ahead and without giving it much thought Sunggyu leans in and places a soft kiss on Myungsoo’s cheek.

It’s just a flutter and Myungsoo blinks and it’s gone, but he turns a shade of red Sunggyu thinks he wants to see more often and wonders if he will have enough time to do so before Myungsoo stops and drags him in a secluded alley and holds his face with his hands, careful as if Sunggyu would break if he held on too tightly, then kisses him Sunggyu’s thoughts are wrapped around Myungsoo, and only Myungsoo and this feels like it can’t be taken away from him. 

“I love you too, okay?” 

Sunggyu laughs softly, mouth still openly pressed against Myungsoo’s who smiles. 





Sunggyu wakes up slowly and his eyes fall on Myungsoo’s sleeping face, mouth closed and dry from the cold wind entering through the opened window, he watches Myungsoo’s steady breath, his eyelashes fluttering without opening his eyes and his eyes from the bridge of his nose down to his mouth. 

Yesterday, it started raining as soon as they got inside of Myungsoo’s house and Sunggyu was dragged upstairs to his room, Myungsoo living alone was a surprise to Sunggyu but he said nothing of it because he was tired and Myungsoo must have sensed it because he went to his closet, grabbed a pair of pajamas and threw them at him. 

Sunggyu looks down at his arms and smiles at the pajamas now, he didn’t realize yesterday, but they are pretty childish, another thing that shows how young Myungsoo is compared to him. Three years isn’t exactly a big e, but it’s still present and at times it’s really obvious and Sunggyu wonders why Myungsoo still sticks with him. 

He really thought, the one who would be there right now, so close to the due date would be Woohyun. Then he gave up and told himself, he’d go through this on his own.

Sunggyu takes one last look at Myungsoo and sighs and yeah, he knows, he got lucky, a lot luckier than he deserves to be, but Myungsoo knows he can forget about this, everything, Myungsoo also knows it will be hard for him to even get back to how it is right now if Sunggyu forgets everything. 

But Myungsoo is still there, holding him, trying to make him feel safe, trying to tell him it’s okay, when it obviously isn’t totally okay. But it works when Myungsoo says it, it feels like it’s not that big of a deal that a tumor is going to be taken out of his skull, his brain and that he’s going to forget most of his life experiences after. 

That he could forget even who he is, or forget twenty-two years of living. It’s scary if he thinks too much about it, and when he’s alone in his apartment, he thinks about it all the time, waking up to go to work, walking to where he has to meet Myungsoo, walking back to his own place without Myungsoo. 

He ponders and ponders, but when Myungsoo is there, bones and flesh present, everything fades. Sunggyu shifts and presses closer to Myungsoo’s body as if to reassure himself that Myungsoo is always going to be a part of him. He sighs contently when he finds his nose pressed against Myungsoo’s neck. 

He doesn’t know if Myungsoo is feigning sleep or not, chances are he is but still doesn’t want to wake up totally yet, because he tightens his arm around Sunggyu. 

(He also smiles against Sunggyu’s hair, but Sunggyu is already fast asleep when that happens.)





“Do you know what I think?”

Sunggyu looks up from his mug and shakes his head as Myungsoo puts his mug down and reaches a hand, pinches the bridge Sunggyu’s nose and smiles at the scowl on his face. “You should stay until the surgery, with me.” 

Sunggyu frowns and drops his gaze in side his mug, at the black coffee staring back at him with his reflection and sighs, “I don’t know.” It’s not such a bad idea, Sunggyu will feel better than having to do the usual type of meeting they do, but at the same time, he did put this type of meeting because he didn’t want this to get further.

He doesn’t really think getting more attached is a good idea, but then again who is he kidding? He’s already beyond more attached, there isn’t really anything he can do to not hurt Myungsoo as this point. 

“Are you going to pamper me?” Sunggyu asks without looking up and hearing Myungsoo sighs and laugh makes him nibble on his bottom lip, “Isn’t it supposed to be the other way round?”

“Hum?” Sunggyu looks up with an offended frown, “I’m the one who has to swallow pills and has to avoid any thing that could affect my brains, not you, you should be pampering me, plus you’re younger.” Sunggyu stops, seemingly satisfied with his arguments then before Myungsoo can say anything to retort back he quickly intervenes, “Also, you love me more.” 

Myungsoo laughs, “There’s really just you to be proud of this fact.” 

“That doesn’t mean I don’t love you even more, but you probably love me more than I do.” He smiles, without it reaching his eyes and gives Myungsoo a worried glance, “If you didn’t, I wouldn’t be handling this—” Sunggyu shrugs, “so well.” 

“So pampering the old man you are it is then.” Sunggyu kicks Myungsoo’s leg under the table, “Don’t call me that.” 

“What? Old man?” Myungsoo tilts his head, a teasing smile on his face and dodges the next kick under the table so Sunggyu dangerously tilts forward from kicking too hard and nearly falls out of his chair. 

“Be careful.” 

Sunggyu blinks at how tightly Myungsoo’s hands are holding his own and actually they did keep him from falling. “It’s your fault!” He shouts and watches Myungsoo only shrug and pull him back in a sitting position before leaning over the kitchen counter and kissing him and Sunggyu tastes chocolate on Myungsoo’s lips. 

When he pulls back, Myungsoo his lips and rubs his nose against Sunggyu’s affectionately with a warm smile on his face at Sunggyu’s light flush covering his cheeks. 

“You know, I really didn’t think you’d be the type to blush easily, but it suits you.” 

“I don’t,” Sunggyu pouts and sighs, it’s not that he easily blush, it’s just that Myungsoo does things that makes me feel embarrassed way easier than they should and just, it’s embarrassing alright. 

“It’s just, I told you about Woohyun right?” He doesn’t bring that topic up much, because it still hurts a bit and Sunggyu still feels bitter about the whole ordeal and Myungsoo only heard about Woohyun once and it was because he saw him talk to Sunggyu more than anything else. 

“Well, Woohyun does things really openly, well used to, I couldn’t get embarrassed because I knew that’s how he is and it felt like it was normal at one point.” Sunggyu fumbles with his mug and puts it down on the counter then looks up with Myungsoo still leaning above his face, “And you do it openly, but just, you don’t do it all the time and you don’t look like the type to be so open about touching and,” Sunggyu glares at Myungsoo’s mouth curling up in a mocking grin.

“It’s true! It’s not that I am easily flustered it’s that you make me easily flustered and suddenly this doesn’t sound as good as I thought it sounded in my head.” Sunggyu lowers his gaze and hides his face in his hands. 

“As much as this flatters me,” Myungsoo starts and grabs his hands, pulling them away from his face, “Please stop comparing me to Woohyun.” He frowns and Sunggyu can’t actually believe this is the only part he paid attention to. 

“Did you just listen to the same words I said out or did you—” Myungsoo leans in close too suddenly and cuts Sunggyu’s words, “If you’re this close, are you going to kiss me or just stay creepily this way?” Sunggyu says but already closes his eyes and leans in to also close the distance between them and kisses Myungsoo’s smile. 





(Sunggyu agrees to stay for a week, hopes he won’t regret this when he’s finally being taken away, or when he has his usual pain in the morning when he has to take his pills.

They spend the first day in front of the tv, on the couch, doing nothing but holding onto each other and laughing at the shows, and Sunggyu falls asleep while lying between Myungsoo’s legs, his breath ticking his cheek and Myungsoo wraps a blanket over them when he feels just as ready to fall asleep.) 





It’s cold, really a bit too cold for an autumn’s day; maybe winter is coming sooner than last year. Sunggyu rubs his hands together and looks up at the sky, the sun is there and it’s not even a tiny bit warm against his face, he doesn’t appreciate this. 

“Sorry, I took too long.” He looks back in front of him and sees Myungsoo rushing to where he is so he stands up and reaches both hands to hold the cup of coffee handed to him, “It’s okay, we weren’t planning for it to be this cold.” 

But Myungsoo shakes his head, “Still not good.” He says and as they resume their walk, which is why they went out to begin with, he reaches and holds Sunggyu’s empty hand. 

“Yah, how am I supposed to hold your hand this?” Myungsoo shrugs and just holds on tighter, Sunggyu has noticed too, he’s been a lot quieter after yesterday. “Hey, look at me.” Sunggyu tugs on his hand and when Myungsoo looks at him he tries his best reassuring smile, ”You said it yourself right? Even if I forget about you, you’ll make sure I remember, right? And if I don’t, you will hit my head hard enough so I can remember.” Sunggyu laughs at the memory and expects Myungsoo to lighten up, but he barely smile at this, though his expressions softens and he nods. 

“I will, of course.” So he says, but Sunggyu doesn’t feel like he believes the words anymore, like they aren’t as strong as they used to be and he worries his bottom lip, thinking maybe Myungsoo doesn’t want it anymore, maybe he’s realized that it isn’t worth it anymore. 

“Is this—is this you giving up?” He’s even scared of saying it, but he says it anyways, he wants to take a sip from his coffee like he hasn’t said it so softly in hope that Myungsoo won’t hear it and Myungsoo won’t say that yes, it is and when he does he ends up burning his tongue right before Myungsoo starts talking.

“Honestly,” Myungsoo says and takes the cup away from him and stops them at the same time, “No, you think too much, it’s not that.” And he pokes Sunggyu’s cheek with the cup and it feels warm and burns his skin without hurting, “I’ll admit, I get scared and this morning—”

Sunggyu opens his mouth and eyes in realization of what is actually bothering Myungsoo. He just didn’t pay much attention to it because he’s used to waking up with a pain in the back of his head hitting him like a million of metals falling against his skull. 

And even after he takes the pills, it usually takes up to ten minutes before it goes away and Myungsoo woke up this morning while he was curled up in the corner of the bathroom and trying as hard as he could not to tear up at the pain, eyes clenched tightly shut and knees hugged against his chest. 

“It’s nothing, it’s a normal reaction.” Sunggyu says softly and with the frown on Myungsoo’s face he knows it doesn’t reassure him, but, honestly, “It’s really normal Myungsoo, you shouldn’t worry about this, it will happen until I get the surgery.” 

So this is not going to help Myungsoo not worry Sunggyu realizes and sighs, he really doesn’t want anything ruining this week, not before at least the day before he has to go to the hospital. 

“Can we just ignore that it happens? Next time I’ll go outside and stay there until it goes away.”

“Don’t you dare.” Myungsoo arches an eyebrow and clenches his hand, “I have the right to worry alright? I don’t even know if you are going to wake up after the surgery and if you wake up you are more than likely to forget everything about me and everything about yourself, so you can’t just tell me it’s nothing big when I see you ready to cry—and ugh.” Myungsoo lets go of his hand and looks away with a hand in his hair.

“I know it looks like I don’t know how hard it is on you, but I know it, the thing is you keep it all to yourself.” 

There isn’t a thing he said that isn’t true; Sunggyu knows it more than anyone else. But he’s not used to others wanting to share the same things he goes through, or the feeling of someone caring so much that it hurts that they care and end up seeing him in pain and feeling like they are part of this pain. 

But he has to say, he kinds of know how Myungsoo feels because knowing he’s making him talk with that pained voice, it also makes him feel guilty and a bit hurt. 

“I’m sorry,” It seems like the right thing to say, Myungsoo shoulders slumps, “I’m really sorry.” Sunggyu repeats and slides his arms around his shoulders and let them rests there, locking his wrists. 

“Don’t say things like you being in pain isn’t something to worry about just because it’s supposed to be normal.” Myungsoo just says softly, mouth pressed against his arm and presses a kiss on Sunggyu’s skin.

“I won’t.” 

They’ve been standing in the street like there isn’t a world moving for awhile and Sunggyu is thankful that there’s no one walking by right now.

“Promise?” Myungsoo turns around, bit by bit and tugs at his sides and Sunggyu nods, “Hm, promise, now stop being a baby.” Myungsoo scowls lightly, but he’s not really offended, just playing it and Sunggyu sticks his tongue out, “That’s because you are.” 

“Not true.” Myungsoo says and kisses the corner of his mouth, Sunggyu softly purses his mouth and hums and curls a hand against Myungsoo’s neck. Myungsoo’s mouth moves to his cheek, up to his earlobe and he chuckles when it tickles his neck with a flutter then Myungsoo buries his face in his neck and sighs softly and Sunggyu likes this.

It’s just relaxing and he closes his eyes and thinks there’s no way he can forget this.





Myungsoo has to work the following day, Sunggyu too, but Sunggyu’s work is during the day and Myungsoo work during the night and their schedules kinds of clashes. 

“I’ll come to your work then.” Sunggyu says and shrugs with a smile when Myungsoo arches an eyebrow, surprised by the offer, “Why not?” 

“I don’t know, maybe because you didn’t seem so eager to walk inside a night club when you first met me, and you’re offering it like it’s totally normal right now?” 

“Yah,” Sunggyu reaches a hand and pinches Myungsoo’s cheek before he can avoid it, “Keep your mouth shut like a good boy and wait for me.” He leans down kisses the reddening spot on his cheek and his mouth, it’s a quick and soft peck and Sunggyu pulls away Myungsoo’s taste of his mouth. 

“You should also wake up and brush your teeth.” He says with a finger lingering on Myungsoo’s cheek curving and letting his thumb dip in the appearing dimple. Sunggyu sighs straightens, “I have to go now, before I run late and have to explain why.” 

“Wait.” Sunggyu turns around with the help of Myungsoo’s hand wrapped around his wrist tugging him back towards the bed, “Yeah?” Myungsoo doesn’t say anything though, sits and pulls Sunggyu back until he has to sit on the bed if he doesn’t want to fall over. 

“I am not working tomorrow, we should do something, go out and watch a movie or something.” 

“And that couldn’t wait until I got to your work place?” Sunggyu complains and tries to get off Myungsoo’s lap, but he doesn’t seem to take that as an answer, or doesn’t want to let go of Sunggyu and he keeps a firm grip around his hand and another one against his hip, “Also, be careful.” 

“I’m always careful,” Sunggyu retorts tilting his head with a light pout that Myungsoo kisses softly and nods, “And I’m definitely capable of taking care of myself.” Sunggyu adds leaning back in for another kiss, “Now really, I’m going to be late.” He says and can probably escape because Myungsoo is too busy with his eyes closed, distracted by Sunggyu’s mouth and he curses as he hears Sunggyu laugh and pat his cheek. 





Sunggyu finishes giving his last lesson and is glad there hasn’t been a single interruption from his head through the day. It’s as if he doesn’t have a brain tumor and isn’t going through it with daily pain when he doesn’t take his pills three times a day. 

It’s like a week ago he wasn’t thinking of not telling anything to Myungsoo and just breaking it off before anything started. And he probably would have said nothing, if it weren’t for Myungsoo overhearing him and Woohyun argue about it. 

On that topic, he had to say, Woohyun was right about Myungsoo deserving the truth. The truth about why Sunggyu didn’t want a relationship right now and why he was pushing him away and why Myungsoo shouldn’t even think about it. But he hadn’t planned on even returning Myungsoo’s feelings and just Myungsoo’s got so much to give and he chose to give that to Sunggyu. 

Sunggyu who is going to throw all of it away by forgetting every single memory they will ever have together. He shouldn’t think about this, he totally shouldn’t, he admonishes himself and shakes his head, closing the door of the office behind him. 

Just as he’s walking out of the building his phone rings and he stares at Myungsoo’s name on his screen with a surprised look that quickly turns into a smile before picking up, “What? Couldn’t wait for me to get there?” 

“Don’t get so full of yourself, even if it’s true that I’m missing you right now.” He hears Myungsoo laugh then clear his throat like he’s about to say something serious, “Hum, I picked something—while going to work, so, you might have to go home before me.” 

“What did you pick?” Sunggyu frowns and can hear Myungsoo shifting nervously at the other end of the line, “You’ll see when you come, I just wanted to let you know, okay, I’ll hang up now, still got a lot of customers to tend to and yeah, bye, hurry, so I can at least give you a kiss before you leave and you and—”

“Okay, okay, bye.” Sunggyu knows by Myungsoo laughing, (well he’s pretty sure of it) that he must know that Sunggyu is turning red by the minute. 




Myungsoo does more than kiss him, he drags him in the bathroom of the bar and presses him against the door so that no one comes in, kisses him until Sunggyu is pretty sure this hurts more than any other pain he’s ever felt, except it’s from the lack of air his lungs is experimenting. 

It makes him dizzy and he pulls back and tries to make Myungsoo stops, so Myungsoo’s mouth moves from his mouth to his neck and he gives it a quick , softly and sinks his teeth in what Sunggyu is sure is an obvious hickey being born. It burns and makes him let out a tiny low moan out then he really pushes Myungsoo away from his body, panting and flustered and “What the?” 

“Hey,” Myungsoo laughs against his cheek, Sunggyu closes his eyes and his mouth, breath caught when he opens his eyes and stares back at Myungsoo’s eyes stilled on him. 

“Missed me that much?” Sunggyu ends up grinning despite the obvious flush on his face and clenches Myungsoo’s sides. 

“I did, a lot.” Myungsoo nods and presses his mouth against Sunggyu’s cheek. 




(What Myungsoo picked up is actually a puppy and as much as Sunggyu thinks it’s adorable and Myungsoo thinks it is harmless, he has to practically force Sunggyu to even touch the puppy. 

He swears Myungsoo will owe him big when he gets back home with the puppy already skipping out of his arms and inside Myungsoo’s apartment.) 




Because of the puppy—that they named Soo—they can’t actually go on a movie date so they settle for a movie date in front of the tv again, with old dvds that they can’t even pay attention to because of Soo’s incessant yapping. 

But eventually, he ends up falling asleep (they kind of agreed that it is a male) and Myungsoo laughs at Sunggyu’s frowning and looking down at the puppy at his feet. “I didn’t think you’d be scared of such a little thing.”

Sunggyu’s frown turns to him and he sighs letting it drop, “I’m not used to animals.” He says and ruffles his hair out of frustration, he’s always had a bit of a scare when it came to animals, any type and just—it’s not that he was really scared, it’s just—animals are really unpredictable. 

“But I’ll admit he’s a bit adorable.” He says and reaches a finger to run it behind Soo’s ear and he turns with a grin at Myungsoo, “A little bit like you, scary at first, but really warm and adorable after awhile.” 

“I’m not scary nor adorable.” Myungsoo rolls his eyes and reaches a hand, “Come here.” Sunggyu doesn’t even hesitate before crawling on the couch and snuggling against Myungsoo’s side, head against his shoulder. 

“The doctor called today.” Sunggyu says, biting down on his bottom lip and starts playing with Myungsoo’s hand, “And, I’ll have to go see him tomorrow, it’s nothing big or anything to worry about, just to make sure I’m still able to go through the surgery and I just thought, you had to know.” 

Sunggyu waits for an answer, or anything, or maybe he doesn’t really wait for it, but Myungsoo only sighs and nuzzles his cheek and smile like he’s heard something good, he tightens his arms around Sunggyu just the tiniest bit so Sunggyu can feel it. 

“Do you want me to come with you?” 

Sunggyu shakes his head too quickly, then shrugs and looks up at Myungsoo, “I mean, if you don’t mind, I don’t mind, but yeah.” 

Myungsoo just kisses him and Sunggyu calms down and sighs against his mouth. 

“Thank you.” He says after awhile and Myungsoo doesn’t even need to ask why he’s saying it, it’s like he knows when Sunggyu needs him most and he just accepts it as it is and tries to make sure that it’s the right thing but he always ends up getting it right anyways. 




(When they walk out of the hospital, Sunggyu asks for ice cream, Myungsoo argues that it’s too cold and they have to hurry home before Sungyeol destroys everything in his apartment with Soo, but ends up giving in, because he can’t quite say no to Sunggyu. 

Sunggyu stops before they enter his apartment building and wraps his arms around Myungsoo’s neck, kisses him softly with the still lingering chocolate taste on his lips, it’s also fresh from the cream, too sweet, Myungsoo isn’t fond of sweets but he kisses Sunggyu back just as eagerly. 

“I should get you ice cream more often, is that it?” Myungsoo says after they apart and Sunggyu laughs, rolling his eyes and they continue inside, hands held tightly.)




Sunggyu’s mother sits next to the bed and he straightens with a small smile, “How are you feeling?” She asks and leans over, kissing his cheek, he shrugs, because he isn’t feeling anything, he’s just feeling this isn’t really happening. It hasn’t really hit him yet that today is the day and in just some hours he’s going to be unconscious and they are going to open his skull. 

“I guess, kind of really dull?” He says after awhile and his mother laughs like that’s the stupidest thing she’s ever heard then she stops and looks at him like she wants to say more but doesn’t know where to start and Sunggyu is thankful of the knocks on the door. 

He really loves his mom, but ever since his father’s death, they haven’t been close until recently, because of this sickness and it’s a bittersweet type of reunion, because they’ve never really accepted who he was. Meaning a son who would never be able to give them grandchildren. 

He accepted that truth long ago though, being seen as a failure by his father and his own mother. 

“It’s open,” He hears his mom says, he almost forgot someone knocked and Myungsoo walks in, seems surprised to see someone else there and lightly bows in a way that Sunggyu can’t help but laugh at because want it or not, it’s amusing to see Myungsoo a bit taken aback by something. 

It takes a bit of awkward greeting and smile before Sunggyu clears his throat, “Yeah, Myungsoo this is my mom and mom, this is Myungsoo.” She looks back and forth between Sunggyu and Myungsoo and arches an eyebrow questioningly at Sunggyu whose turn it is to look embarrassed and quickly nods, “Yeah, hum, yeah we’re hum, yeah dating.” 

Myungsoo looks even stiffer now that he knows who the woman in the room is and Sunggyu laughs this time, getting a glare that he just brushes off by looking away. 

“Nice to meet you.” His mom reaches a hand, Sunggyu is surprised at how easily she just accepts it, he isn’t sure if she’s being this accepting because of his disease or because she’s alright now, with the fact that he’s never going to be anyone else besides who he is right now. 

“Eh, yeah, nice meeting you too Mrs. Kim.” 

She smiles while shaking Myungsoo’s hand, “He’s cute,” she turns to tell Sunggyu who stares at her wide eyed then looks away, this is way too embarrassing, “I’ll leave you two alone, I need to go make sure your sister finds the way to the room anyways.” 

“Wait she’s coming?” Sunggyu asks before she goes away and she turns around looking at him like he’s just asked the stupidest question ever, “You’re her only little brother, of course she’s coming.” 

She exits then and Sunggyu keeps his eyes on her as she does so. Maybe—maybe it’s because he might also forget her after the surgery. He hasn’t thought much about it, but he’s not just going to forget Myungsoo, but himself too, and his mom and his sister and everyone else. He might even end up forgetting how to even take care of himself, turn into a grown up man who stills needs to be taught things like a baby needs it. 

“Hey, Sunggyu?” Myungsoo’s voice takes him back to his face and he swallows with a lump in his throat, “Are you scared now?” He asks and sits at the edge of the bed, it sinks slowly with Myungsoo’s weight and Sunggyu shakes his head. 

“Just a bit.” He admits in the end, because lying to Myungsoo doesn’t seem like a good idea, he holds out his hand and Myungsoo takes it willingly. Sunggyu tugs him close and wraps his other arm around him until he holds him close in a tight hug, “More from the fact that my mom thinks you’re cute though.” 

Myungsoo pinches his side, “Don’t make fun of me.” 

“I like making fun of you though.” Sunggyu tightens his arm and closes his eyes, “Remind me that.” He says softly, so softly Myungsoo almost miss it but he nods, “I will, I’ll also remind you of Soo, we’ll both wait for you alright? And take care of you, and even if you’re lost at first, you’ll be fine after awhile, memories fade, but they come back too, they’re part of who we are.” 

“Did you just turn deep on me?” Sunggyu laughs despite his heavy throat, the sting in the back of his eyes, his wobbling lip and his shaking hands tightening in Myungsoo’s shirt. 

Myungsoo pulls back and gives him a crooked smile, “I’m always deep, Kim Sunggyu, you just don’t appreciate it.” 

“Then make me appreciate it.” Sunggyu slides his fingers until they close on Myungsoo’s collar and he pulls him close, “Make me appreciate every little thing about you I couldn’t appreciate properly.” 

“You’re not going to regret it when you remember everything are you?”

Sunggyu shakes his head, kisses Myungsoo and shakes his head again, “I might love you more than I do right now.” He says mouth still on Myungsoo’s and stops him from replying by kissing him again and on his bottom lip. 

“You shouldn’t do this knowing you’re going to get a surgery in just an hour or two.” Myungsoo protests but he leans over Sunggyu until he’s got him lying down on the hospital bed and resumes stealing more time, more kisses. 

They stop and when they do Sunggyu realizes Myungsoo’s eyes are damp and bright and he closes them like he’s holding back from tearing up, but the tears end up rolling anyways and he wipes them softly with his thumbs. 




Sunggyu’s mom and sister finds them this way and they quickly break apart with a bit of laughing, a bit of embarrassed glances and then Woohyun too joins them thirty minutes before Sunggyu has to get into the surgery room. 

In the end, Myungsoo is the last one to leave right before Sunggyu is being taken away. Literally taken away, he thinks and doesn’t hesitate to let Woohyun pull him against his side.

“He’ll be fine.” Myungsoo doesn’t dislike Woohyun at that moment, he kinds of understand that even if he hurts Sunggyu and he’s love Sunggyu in a way Myungsoo will always be foreign to, he still cares and if he does it means he isn’t that bad, then he hopes Sunggyu will be fine.





Sunggyu wakes up exactly one month and two weeks later and when he does, Myungsoo’s hand is in his and he holds it tightly before releasing it, but it wakes Myungsoo up and he looks up, rubbing his eyes at a Sunggyu frowning down at him. 

Myungsoo forgets for a moment what he’s doing here, why he is here, why Sunggyu looks confused and disoriented, why he doesn’t seem to understand what is happening around him and he squeezes Sunggyu’s hand. 

“You’re awake.” He says and laughs at his own words, but Sunggyu only keeps looking at him and Myungsoo decides it’s probably best to tell the doctor that he woke up so he presses the red button on top of his bed and soon the doctor and two nurses walk inside the room. 




(The doctor says it’s fortunate that Sunggyu can talk and understand what the ysay, which means the tumor wasn’t there for too long, but that, he knew it, he just didn’t want to give any false hope so he made Sunggyu brace himself for the worse. But he does lose his memory. 

His mom tries a few times gets nothing and Myungsoo doesn’t even want to try, he just stays in the corner and watches everything goes on, like he isn’t part of the scenery at all.) 





It takes him too long to get used to Sunggyu’s eyes unable to recognize him, longer than he thought it would take him. He doesn’t, more like he can’t, look at Sunggyu without wanting to hold him and he’s sure he can’t do that, he isn’t allowed to, is he? 

But it seems, Sunggyu’s noticed how he just sits and stays silent and does what he can to keep a conversation without any real meaning, about the weather or how Sunggyu is feeling. He doesn’t ask if he remembers Myungsoo or not though he did tell Sunggyu his name. 

So Sunggyu grows curious at one point and asks, “What are we?” when Myungsoo walks in for his second visit since he woke up. 

“I met my mom, well she says she’s my mom and I also met a friend, Woohyun, and my sister but I don’t know why you come here, so what are we? Are we friends?”

He tilts his head, Myungsoo smiles and looks down, walking inside of the room. He doesn’t want to do this he realizes, he isn’t sure about himself all of a sudden, he also realizes. But he walks inside and takes his usual seat on the chair and clears his throat. 

“Well, you could say that—friends.” Then he shakes his head before Sunggyu can comment on that and grabs his hand.

“No, actually, no, we’re not just friends. I love you, a bit more than just a friend would, a lot more than a friend would and I made a promise to you, that I’d make sure to let you know just how much.” And he’s going to keep that promise, even if Sunggyu is frowning at him and then nodding, as if trying to understand.

Even if Sunggyu doesn’t look at him when he tightens his hand in Myungsoo’s, but it’s enough to make Myungsoo thinks, it’s going to be worth it. Like falling in love a second time, he just has to make sure Sunggyu memories that faded, disappeared, he just has to make sure to get them back while putting some new ones, some they wouldn’t have been able to make before. 

Ignite the fire the fear and crash into the light
It hurts but it’s worth it, it hurts but it’s worth it – Aiden Grimshaw “What we’re gonna be”