Echo of Your Heart

Standing under the drizzle of rain covered by the mist that came, impervious to anything around him and no comfort can he find. A hand touched his arm, but he did not notice, for he was in his inner world looking in. The hand tag a little and held him firmer. He then felt it, but did not want to acknowledge it. He wanted to stay, stay where he was. The hand did not tag again but stayed holding his arm.

Cold, he was feeling so cold, chills was running all over him. but his arm where the hand held him was the only part of him that was starting to get warm. Electricity seems to be emanating from that hand that starts going through his blood. Maybe it is better to stay in the cold than to feel warm again, he lifted his arm to pull away from the hand that held him. The hand did not let go and held him firmly. He silently but strongly kept tagging his arm away, but the more he tried the hand held him firmer.

A choked voice quiet plea, “Please...”

An answered plea, “Please...”

“I...I...want to be alone.”

“No! I’m not leaving you.”

“Please, just please...”

A quiet strong word came out, “No!” He steps in front of him and pulling him to his arms, and held him to a bone crushing hug.

Not hugging back, but whimpered, “Joongie, please, I just can’t..I just..”

“I am not leaving you. I’m not letting you go.”

Bending his head to his shoulder, slowly lifting his leaden arms to lightly hold his waist, he then haltingly spoke and could not help voice his deepest fear, “I’m afraid Joongie, I’m so afraid.”

“Shhh Everything will be alright.” Joong is afraid himself, but he wants to be positive, in his heart he wants it to be true, for Saeng’s sake, he wants it to be true. Not just for his own or the group but for his sake he wants it to be true. He wants to believe so bad, he wants to believe, and hope he is not making false promises. “Everything will be alright. Whatever happens, I will be here. I promise.”

“What if...what if...I...” He choked on his own saliva and had to swallow several times. “I can’t even say it.”

Joong could not say it, too.

Here they are alone by the beach, he did not know how he drove here, he was in a daze himself. A few hours ago, a lifetime ago, their world came crashing down. What was it, the details seems to blur from his mind, he could not remember anything except the words ‘he might loose his voice’ stuck to his brain. It shook him to his core, then what would it had been to Saeng, if he himself was shaken so badly. His Saengie, the singer Young Saeng not being able to sing or worse he might not be able to speak at all.

To not hear his voice, his beautiful voice. He felt a tightening in his chest. He felt the drumbeat of his heart beside his heart, they were sharing the pain, but he knew, the pain was worse for him and he could not do anything to help him, but hold him in his arms. A lump formed in his throat, but he could not say anything, there is no word to say.

He felt Saeng suddenly getting heavy in his arms, as if the load was too heavy for him as his knees buckled beneath him. He slowly guided him to the sand, while keeping him in his arms. They both sat there, Saeng’s arms limply on the sand, when he felt his body started shaking, and heard him sobbing and crying his heart out, and he could only hold him tightly in his arms. Silent tears were also coming from his own eyes, and could not help feel the anguish of his lover.

They were both crying, he unconsciously started rocking his body with him held tightly in his arms.

Joong remembered suddenly, a blur of a face in white coat, the voice of the doctor in fragment saying, ‘only an operation....slim chance...needed...soon...’

‘Slim chance’ echoing in his head.

He shouted in his head, ‘NO! NO! NO!’ He just can’t believe it. He just can’t accept it.

He kept talking to himself, ‘There just got to be a way, there just got to be. We should talk with another doctor. Find the best of the best. There just got to be a way.’

‘Saengie, Saengie, Saengie,Saengie’ He kept calling his name in his head as he rocked him in his arms, now choking in his own tears. He could not speak, as if he himself was struck dumb.

The small waves of the beach and the sobbing were the only sound.

The sobbing was echoing in his heart.

Back and forth, back and forth, he was unconsciously rocking him back and forth.

His lover in his embrace, as he listens to the melody of his heartbeat.

The silence was so loud, the echo was resonating so strongly.

The drizzle became a strong rain, as if the sky was crying with them. They stayed there being drenched. They did not notice the cold as it seeps through them, as time stood still for the two of them.

Joong saw a vision of a stretcher with Saeng lying down being wheeled into the operating room, they held each others hand in silence and only letting go at the door. Joong staring at the door as it closes.

Saeng had a sudden vision of him not being able to speak, suddenly turned in his arms, for a moment stopped sobbing and with a tear stained face looked at him and whispered in a broken voice, “I love you.” As if trying out his voice again he whispered, “I love you.” He leaned in closer and kissed Joong in the lips, and whispered with their lips still touching, “I love you.” He moved his body away and touched his face with both hands spoke earnestly, “I love you, I might not be able to say it again, so I want to say it now, I love you, I love you, I love you...”

Again and again, Saeng said ‘I love you’ to Joong.

Joong pulled him in his arms and held him tightly. He wanted to say it back to him, but at first he could not utter it. He gathered his courage and whispered, “I love you, Saengie. I will always love you.”