ALMOST

Have you ever felt losing something or someone precious to you? Have you ever felt the need to isolate yourself from the people whom you love dearly, but dare hurt you? Have you ever felt so broken that you swore to yourself you would never let anyone touch your already shattered heart?

Whether you have or not… let me just rant a little. 

I do seem crazy but, if you hear me talk more, you’d think that I’m actually crazier.

You will probably think that someone like me, a member of the best girl group in Asia, won’t be hurt because of love. I guess you do have some basis if you think so. People yell out how they love or adore me, but that’s not the love I’m talking about. Don’t get me wrong, I really am thankful for those who support me despite the fact that they truly don’t know how much of a coward I am.

No one truly knows how I pray so damn hard every single night to whoever is listening to me, to whoever is willing to listen to me to grant my wish once again. Whoever that was, they did listen when I prayed to them for us to debut, and look at us now. I prayed to them for us to have a hit single and whoever that person or being was, they gave us more than just one. I prayed to them to give us a concert tour, and here I am, picking my solo song for our first ever Japanese tour. At least Sooyoung already decided that she will be dancing Sway with a man she picked herself. I haven’t seen the man yet, but knowing her, she will probably pick someone with broad shoulders.  Oh, and also, most of the members already have clues of what they truly want to perform on their solos.

Picking a solo is a hard task, don’t you think? There are genres that I can mess with, songs that I can make or cover, but why is selecting one such a hard task? Perhaps the fact that it takes me a while to get use to something plays a major role in this problem. I am the type of person to never step out of my box, you know what I mean? I don’t like trying what I have never done in my life. Majority of the people I know think I am a coward, but I guess I can’t really tell them off and say I’m not. 

Jung Jessica or Jessica Jung… does that make any change? If you don’t know who I am, will you turn your head around and look at me? I mean 99% of the time is people look at me when they hear my name is because I am a part of the group. So, let’s scrape off every single fame that I have and leave me nothing but my name. Do you think someone will still look at me?

Speaking of names, Jessica is a name a handful of people use. I mean, think about it. Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Sarah Jessica Parker, and more other Jessica s that I can’t think of right now- these girls are heavenly so a Jung Jessica won’t really matter to a Kim Taeyeon, right? 

Yes, even a member of Girls’ Generation has her heart shattered to pieces, and in complete irony, it’s because of someone most people think I consider a sister. Even you thought so, right? Well, no. That’s just like . I don’t think or have ever seen her as a sister. I know that whenever I see her, my heart just wants to scream ‘I love you, Kim Taeyeon!!!’ with all the heartfelt, corny lines that will probably make her cry or make me cry but she already belongs to someone else. Sad, isn’t it? I won’t hesitate to snatch her away if she isn’t with my best friend, but life played a nasty joke on me and she is with her. Hwang Tiffany spells Kim Taeyeon and Kim Taeyeon spells Hwang Tiffany. That’s just how it really is. Even if I tried, which I will probably not ever try to do so, there’s no room for Jung Jessica.

Sometimes, Kim Taeyeon will come to me and hug me. Sometimes, Kim Taeyeon will come to me and tell me she loves me. Sometimes, Kim Taeyeon will comfort me whenever I’m lonely. Sometimes, Kim Taeyeon will randomly text me about how much she misses me. Although most of the time, she does those things to Hwang Tiffany.

It may be because Jung Jessica is simply second best to Hwang Tiffany for Kim Taeyeon that I simply became a second option. I keep telling myself to stop. To never listen to their stories about themselves but whenever Tiffany speaks, as a best friend, shouldn’t I be listening? Whenever she cries, shouldn’t I be comforting her? Will you not do the same thing? Will you not listen to Kim Taeyeon or Hwang Tiffany if you are me? 

It’s always just an almost-happily-ever-after for me. 


Kim Taeyeon and Hwang Tiffany barged in the room; they looked at me, then at you and back at me. “You have a visitor?”

I smiled at them, quickly looking away from them and back to you. You gave me comfort for some reason. Well, there are countless of reasons why you gave me comfort. It’s just that I don’t want to go on details. “Yes. She’s helping me decide on a song for my solo.”

“Oh? That’s nice! You should do something that you haven’t done before.” Tiffany stated, flashing the smile that Kim Taeyeon fell in love with. That wonderful smile that even I love.

Taeyeon laughs as if it is the funniest joke in the world. “Jessica? Stepping out of her box? Doing something she’s never done before? That’s like asking her to learn the piano!”

Tiffany frowns at her lover’s childish remark. “Jessica’s capable of doing anything she sets her mind into, okay?”

I give my best friend a smile. A sincere one. It’s one of the few genuine smiles I flash at her whenever they’re together around me. 

“It just won’t happen. Jessica’s not that type of a girl. Jessica’s the type that’s happy with what she’s got, Tiffany, and you know that.”

Normally, this kind of comment will just slip my mind and won’t bother me. But since I was thinking about it earlier, my guard against it is still down. My chest is heavy but I shake off the feeling. There isn’t any room for depression or regret so I convince- more like trick myself into ignoring it and smiling at them. When I glance at you, you grin at them and you tell them that it will be best if they practice their own solo.

“We came here to tell Jessica we’ll be singing a duet.” Tiffany says in a perky tone. 

My eyes shoot towards her direction; a bit surprised by the revelation. “I thought we’re only allowed to do solos?”

Taeyeon smiles proudly, “I want the world to see TaeNy. I want Japan to know TaeNy’s real so I convinced them to let us do a duet instead.”

“I see” is the only thing that can escape my cluttered mind.  They bid us goodbye as I pretend to look through songs that I might sing.

They left us alone, and so I glance at you. See what I mean? I can’t destroy something as beautiful as TaeNy! But every time I look at them like that, it just creates these feelings that try to crush me and put me down. 

Have you ever felt this pain before? 

You look at me in sympathy, telling me that letting go of her is the first step to being happy. 

I think you know better than anyone else how hard this is for me but you urge me, telling me that I can do it. I think you’ve truly forgotten how much of a coward I am, but you remind me that you know. Why do you trust me so much? You know, sometimes I think you’re giving me too much of a credit. I’m not that strong. Trust me, I know my limits. And though I know that letting go of Kim Taeyeon will be the first step to being happy, I want to cling onto her with every bit of my strength. I love her, you know that, right?

You squeeze my shoulder and tell me that I can if I put my heart to it. I laughed at you and ask what heart you are talking about but you just hit me and doesn't say anything. I hesitate to ask but my stupid mouth quivers.

How do you let go of someone you’ve never truly had?


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---I have my other works posted on AFF as well. check them out----

Hi guys! It’s a sad taenysic… pained Jessica in this one shot. I guess because Jessica’s songs really depress me and im really down right now so I need an outlet. 

Anyway, this is pretty much an outlet for me. Im sad that Jessica cried on stage as she performed her solo. T_T I cant help but write about it! ><” sigh! 3 I really think Taeyeon sometimes hurts Jessica by being with fany most of the time! 3 sad! 3 so im being a b!tch and making all of you depressed just like me. HAHA!

Hope you still like it despite the angsty, sad fic.

Tell me what you think. 

[Written a year ago]