I Feel...
Certain
Certain
She kept true to her word, their daily dates had all but stopped. Her life returned to the same routine it had always been before she met Jongdae. Entertain a client here, entertain another client there, all in all it was the job and she was good at it.
He on the other hand, continued his studies with only one year left in the university. He already had companies waiting to sign him. Secularly, he was doing great, nothing could be better.
But something was still missing and he was no stranger to what that something was...
Yessun.
Everyday since the last moment he watched her run away from him, he thought about her.
He still remembered their every conversation or rather, listening to her talk about everything while he agreed or not.
But her touch, her touch was the hardest for him to forget. His empty hands not being able to hold hers was the worst.
He thought he would be ok at first. He continued his daily routine before he had met her. School, friends, home, homework...school, friends, home, homework...school, friends, home, homework...it was so repetitious! At least when she was in his life he had school, Yessun, dates, friends, home, homework...
He was beating himself up, thinking about it and her.
He was desperate to forget her and he couldn't figure out why he felt that way. The lack of her presence irritated him to no extent, so much so, he felt the urge to ask out the sophomore girl he was fond of. She was a junior now with even more talent, she was beautiful, and she was graceful as a lady should be. When he approached her however, to ask her to a movie, his voice caught in his throat. What he had been drilling himself to ask seem impossible and unrealistic to him at the moment. Forcing his mouth to speak, the words that came out were complete vague to why he initially approached her.
"Your dress is very beautiful, where did you get it? I know another lady that would look very pretty in it," he smiled to her, wondering what on earth was he saying?
She kindly gave him the name of the store before giving him a strange look and a tight smile while walking away.
He rebuked himself over and over again. No matter what, he was stuck and he wanted to see her, just to ask her how she was doing?
Walking away from the situation was all he could do. His plan to distract himself from his thoughts of her, flew right out the window as he ended up asking another girl about a dress for Yessun in a roundabout way.
Running his hands through his growing hair, he decided he would.
He would spend a night with her, holding her...if she would have him.
"I quit," Yessun said chokingly to her boss. He looked at her, his eyes softening upon sight of her.
"Yessun, don't let one incident-"
"I am not," she interrupted him, "it's just, I have been thinking about it for a while, and what happened last week was just the cherry on top," she ended sarcastically.
"What happened to your face?" Jungwan asked her as he watched her plop onto a stool.
"My last client said I reminded him of his ex girlfriend," came her dry reply while she took a shot of the hard liquor placed in front of her.
"What? Did he beat his last girlfriend for a living or something?" he replied incredulously eyeing the marks on her face.
"I don't know, but whatever she did left him angry and he definitely took it out on me," she rolled her eyes, "can I get another one of these with ice?"
"You should go lay down," Jungwan suggested.
"I will, I just need another drink," she held the freshly made iced beverage up placing it against the forming bruise on her cheek.
"Why don't you request a break?"
She looked up at him with a pained expression, smiling slightly, before walking away.
"Well you are not on any contract here, you are free to come and go as you please," her boss smiled sadly, "You will be missed though, where will you go?"
"I will find a job somewhere I assume," she smiled reaching to give the gentle man a hug.
Walking away from his office, she thought about why she was thinking about this for so long. Jongdae, did have something to do with it, but she supposed she had thought of this long before he entered her life.
When she met him, he was scared, weak, but oddly strong. He told her to 'stop', something no man ever says to her. She wanted to see him again, get to know him, and even though she had been working this job for sometime, she never had the urge to want to spend more time with any guy before.
Leaving seemed to be the only choice for her. Where she would go? Who she would meet? It all was beyond her imagination, but one thing was for sure, she would not miss this job.
It was happening, she was finally leaving the place she had been since eighteen years old. Many of her friends there would miss her, but the words of one friend whom she held close to her heart kept ringing in her ear, "Quit your job and find a guy that will love you despite your past job."
Quite her job? Was that really the only solution?
"Of course it is! What man would love a women whose job is to please other men?" she spoke to herself, "A pimp," she answered laughing out loud, "Of course, that is how I got in this situation."
It didn't take Jongdae long to talk himself into booking a night with Yessun, it only took a week and a half of convincing, changing his mind, and then re-convincing himself. Everything about that week and a half was stressful. His voice was cracking, his grades were dropping, his friends were giving him strange glares, and he even thought he might just be gaining weight. If he was truly gaining weight from his stress eating, he had a fleeting thought he should be stressed a little longer...however, upon standing on a scale, it told him his eyes were going bad. He had not gained weight, but rather lost weight.
He had to talk to her!
He was absolutely sure now that he had to see her, speak with her, and hold her...just once.
The most important thing on his mind was her response...what would she say when she see him? Would it be like the first time he came to apologize for running out on her? Would she demand a date with him again? Would she tell him to leave? Would she still love him?
He sighed knowing it was no use worrying over something he could not help.
Bravery was the only thing he could rely on at this moment. He was a man going to get his woman! He would stick his chest out and walk tall! He would demand an audience with her and would not accept no for an answer!
Looking up, he found himself outside of the club she worked, immediately dropping his bravado he had worked up moments ago. His nerves getting the best of him.
He took a deep breath, walking through the door into the dark club. The sea of dancing people seemed unimportant as he brushed past the grinding individuals to the bar. Memories appeared into his mind as he thought of the first time he came to find her, and the second time he came for her party only to see her dancing on the very same bar with a man behind her...touching her.
His emotions ran up as he remembered the event. The feeling he got around his clenching heart then is the same feeling he has now upon remembering the scene. He shook his head, ridding his mind of the memories as he looked up to the familiar bartender.
"Hey," he smiled, sitting at a stool.
Jungwan turned around to the voice that spoke to him over the boom of the music, surprised at the familiar face that was before him. It had been a while since he had seen the guy in front of him. He remember vaguely about Yessun telling him of the ventures, but she didn't go into to details about it.
"Hey Jong-" he tried for the name.
"Jongdae," he supplied.
"Jongdae, hey, where have you been?" Jungwan smiled.
"Um," he started awkwardly, "Its been a long year, I have been studying, I will be graduating soon," he explained.
"That's great! Yessun would be proud of you," he encouraged.
Jongdae made a hopeful face at that statement, "Actually that is why I am here, I was wondering if I could set up a night with Yessun."
Jungwan cleared his throat slightly, "Don't you know?"
"Know what?" Jongdae ask in a confused manner, bunching together his eyebrows.
"About Yessun, didn't she tell you?"
Jongdae shook his head slowly, hoping that the information he was about to receive wouldn't hurt him too much.
"She doesn't work here anymore, she quit about a week ago, said something about listening to a friends advice," Jungwan explained.
He watched as Jongdae's head dropped down in defeat, "Are you alright? Do you need a drink?"
"No, no I am fine, it is just...I thought that maybe I could find her here?" he whispered, barely audible over the music.
It was harder than Yessun thought, as she searched for a job with enough pay to keep her apartment. There were many other options, but all of them were low in pay. She thought of maybe joining a strip club instead, or becoming an , but none of those would be the choices that Jongdae would be proud of.
Eventually she settled down with working at her favorite ramen shop. The ahjumma there was really nice, and took good care of her. The only problem she had was constantly being reminded of her first date with Jongdae that she had there with him, it was her first real conversation with him, and when she confessed that she liked him...
"Why did you ask me to be on a date with you?" Jongdae looked at her in curiosity.
"Why do you think?" she tilted her head after quietly laughing to herself about her wrong assumption of thinking he would want to know more about her.
She watched him continue to think on an answer before deciding to just shrug an I don't know response. She smiled softly at him, "I like you."
His response was something suspected. His obvious shock written across his face, the waitress had came and gone before he gathered himself, "How can you like me? We just met twice. This is the third time we have met. You haven't gotten to know much about me."
"That's why I asked you to go on a date with me today. I want to know more about you," she chewed on her food as she watched Jongdae's confused face.
She smiled then swallowed her food, "Eat first, I won't run away from you. You can ask me as many questions as you want after we eat."
She smiled to herself, "I won't run away, that's funny," she chuckled. In the end that is exactly what she did. She ran because she thought she would never quit her way of life, because Jongdae deserved better than being commanded on a date where he was not interested. She didn't want to be selfish anymore, but here she was, doing just what he suggested so long ago. She did decide to change, to try something new and wholesome.
But now, there was no Jongdae...
It was like immediate disappointment, a whip lash of depression, and a whirl wind of shame washing over him. His feelings were all over the place as he thought about his actions towards Yessun, how confused he was about his feelings towards her and how long it took for him to figure it out.
And he still didn't have it figured out!
He just realized that through the many dates, he only got to see what kind of person she was on the outside...a sweet, loving girl who slept with guys willingly for money...he didn't bother asking her where she was from? Why did she decide to work in such a industry? Where were here parents? Did she have siblings? Did she have people who loved her?
There was nothing personal connecting him to her except a daily routine that had him attracted to her to the point that he experience withdrawals when he didn't see, hear, or feel her on a regular basis.
It was quite shameful and scandalous now that he thought about it! No wonder she felt selfish, no wonder she didn't want to try and fight for it.
She had to fight herself first before she could fight for him, and he was giving her no indication that even if she did fight and win, he would give himself to her as a reward, because he didn't know how he felt about her!
How foolish!
He was foolish and now she was gone. His only hope was her apartment, hopefully she didn't move away.
She managed to scrape together enough money the first month after quitting her job, to hold her apartment and pay extra bills. She was doing well, though the struggle she went through was nothing like she experience before.
With her old job, money just flowed to her. It wasn't cheap to request a night with her, and she had her savings, but now that it took more than one night to make more than $500, it truly seemed tough to her.
At least this time, she could honestly say she made money in a moral and clean way. She smiled to herself as she ventured her way towards the ramen shop. If only she hadn't cut off all connection with Jongdae...she was sure he would be proud of her, but now she wasn't so sure. He was mad when she left, so he just might have a grudge.
"Ahjumma, I am here for my shift!" Yessun called out, tying the apron around her slender frame.
The ahjumma ran up to her swiftly before pulling her into a corner to whisper in her ear, "In the corner, don't look, but in the corner there is a young man who has been sitting there for hours, he wouldn't move even though I have tried to appease him, do you think you would be able to talk to him? He is scaring away our customers with his intense glares!" she whispered harshly.
Yessun looked at the man who had his head bent low near the table top and his shoulders slumped as far forward as they can go, "I will try to talk to him," she smiled bravely.
Talking to a man should be a piece of cake. Her previous job skills would finally come in handy at, of all places, a ramen shop. How humorous...
She slowly approached him as he dropped his head into his now folded arms on the table hiding his face. He seemed familiar as she slowly sat in the seat opposite of him, "Hi," she said lowly but sweetly.
He didn't move much, but he gave a half hearted grunt.
"You are scaring our customers," she started, "but something must be bothering you, so instead of trying to convince you to leave, how about I listen to your problems? Maybe I could be of assistance?"
She watched as he slowly shifted his head, but did not raise it from in between his arms, "I am training with a company now, " he started, his arms muffling the sound of his voice.
"Oh really? What company?" she asked genuinely curious and surprised at how fast he responded.
"Art, Singing for me," he replied.
"Oh? I knew a singer, his voice was beautiful," she started, remembering the gift Jongdae had given her, the sound of his voice, only moments before she refused his company again, cutting their friendship off.
She waited for him to continue. Listening to him sigh repeatedly, he shifted his head again.
"There is a girl, I want to see her, but I get off from the company so late, it would be rude," came his muffled explanation.
She smiled at this random guys thoughtfulness, "how about you give her a call?"
She watched as his shoulders raised and fell, thinking he was crying when he was actually laughing, "I don't have it, how brilliant am I?" he said bitterly.
"Do you know where she works?"
"I did, but she quit last month, a week before I went to see her, then the next day I was called to train with my dream company," she listened to him sigh into his arms as he shifted his head yet again.
"You know, there is someone I wish would look for me as well? I want to see him again, but I can't look for him, I think he is mad at me," she started to go into her own story, hoping it will help him feel better.
"Why? Did you cheat on him?" he asked.
"Everyday."
"No wonder, how could you cheat on him everyday?" he asked dejectedly.
"I cheated him everyday. I loved him but I wasn't willing to leave what I had to have love returned to me, yet I was selfish enough to try and hold onto him," she explained.
"Ahh, sound as if you are living my life," he laughed, "I just want to find her and ask her if we could start over...I came here because this is where our first date took place, she dragged me here and I thought she would try and sleep with me or something, but all she wanted to do was talk and I couldn't even do that right! Ugh! I messed everything up!" he sat up suddenly ruffling his hair and looking towards the wall. His eyes were slightly pink, and his face flushed. His dark hair tussled due to his hands. "I just miss her," he whispered to no one.
Yessun sat as stiff as a plank, her eyes widening every second, her breath catching in , her body shaking, her head swimming, her skin crawling, and her heart...stopping.
"I am sure she misses you too," she whispered lowly, feeling tears well in her eyes.
Her face involuntarily started to shift as she fought back the tears while looking at Jongdae's side profile, his face showing the pain he felt.
"I don't know," he brought his hands up to his face, running them tiredly over his eyes, "all I have is-" he stopped as he opened his eyes to face the person across from him. The tear stricken face of a women who he did not expect to see, not like this..."hope," he finished his sentence, his eyes staring longingly at her wondering if she was real.
Was he so desperate he was imagining her presence?
"Jongdae?" she spoke, emotion invading her usually clear voice.
"Ye-Yessun?" he breathe out.
Jongdae couldn't fathom that coming to the ramen shop would lead him to the one person he had been searching for. When he got the offer from the artist company to come and start training, he had no idea it would get in the way of his having any free time to pursue finding Yessun. The early mornings and late nights were never a good combination for him, but it was what he always wanted, so he dealt with it. But he always regretted not being able to see her as soon as possible, leading him into a fit of over worked depression. The fit lead him to the ramen shop where he glared at every smiling person, angry that they were happy and he was not.
He was more than eager to tell the unseen stranger his problems...his friends would not understand, especially since they gave him heat about running away from the present they all spent so much money on. If they found out he was dating the girl, it would lead to all kinds of unanswerable questions. Of course he would not complain to random students at his university, but he did want to complain...so when the sweet familiar voice spoke to him, telling him she would listen, he automatically started to speak, holding nothing back.
"How?" the question was so low and weak, he was surprised she heard it.
"I, I don't...I work here...why were you looking for me?" she stuttered.
He bunched his eyebrows together at her question, why would he look for her?
Opening and closing his mouth repeatedly, he was lost for words. This was not how he planned on meeting her. He slowly let his eyes graze up her face to meet her questioning eyes, why would he look for her?
"I wanted to apologize," he spoke lowly, "for running you away."
She grunted at his answer, dropping her gaze from his. She started to play with the lines in the table as she thought on what he said, "Running me away? You didn't run me away."
"Yes I did, I certainly didn't chase you down or try to make you stay," he fought back.
"Yes you did, but it wasn't enough to make me stay. I was so selfish, I shouldn't have even wanted to get to know you."
"Why? Why not get to know me? I enjoyed my time with you, every moment was a moment I couldn't forget!" he felt himself getting uncharacteristically angry like he had when she told them they wouldn't meet again.
He didn't like hearing her say they should not meet or be friends.
"Jongdae," she started smiling blandly to herself, "I hate uncertainty."
"What?"
"It makes me afraid to hold your hand and accept your love," she looked up to his face again, his eyes stretched wide and his mouth hanging open, "because I don't know whether our love will stay the same after years, I don't know whether you will stay by my side till the end."
He visibly gulped, "the uncertainty splits us apart..."
"No!" he forcefully put his hands on the table, "No it does not, not anymore."
"Do you love me?" she asked boldly as she had always done.
Her eyes never left his face, but neither did he look away. This time he was certain on how he felt, "I never knew how to answer you before, because I was uncertain, I knew I enjoyed your company, and your conversation. I liked the fact that a women wanted to spend her free time with me at all, but I was prejudice. I have always believed that something so intimate should be shared by two people who know each other, and you went against that in every way of your life. The way we met had me thinking that you always had ulterior motives...I know it was silly to think that way," he laughed to himself in shame, "but I couldn't help it, so I purposely never thought about how I felt about you, that's why whenever you asked, I never had a definite answer," he explained.
He got up from his seat across the table and sat in the seat next to her instead. Turning her to face him he grabbed her hands and shivered. Her touch, it was like having something he longed for returned to him. Closing his eyes, he let out a small sigh, relishing in the simple warmth of just her hands.
"I have missed you, and I regretted letting you go the moment you were out of my sight. You kissed me three times and everything I ever wanted happened. You said that third kiss was a good thing, but I view it as a curse," he started again.
She made a confused face as she gripped his hands tightly, "Why?"
He sighed, "You left after that kiss. Everyday I looked forward to my time spent with you, but when you left, what was there to look forward to? You said that kiss would give me all that I need in the future, so how could you leave me after that? Huh? How could you do that, if I needed you?"
"Jongdae," she started again hurriedly blinking back tears, "What are you saying?"
"You told me that there was no use fighting for a relationship that was unknown to both of us. That is my fault. If I would have known how I felt earlier we would have never needed to quit seeing each other, I understand that now," he retracted his hands painfully from hers to grip her face, staring directly into her eyes, "I know now how I feel, and if you still feel the same, we can fix our relationship."
"And how do you feel?"
"I feel incomplete when you are not around, I feel broken whenever you ask me if I love you and I have no reply, I feel cold without your warmth, I feel blind if I am not looking at you, and I feel deaf if I don't hear your voice. Through all of that, I also feel like I did a poor job of getting to know you. I held onto my first thoughts and impressions of you even though you proved me wrong every time. I feel like I want to start over, I want to ask the questions and demand the dates. I want to steal kisses," he swiftly brought his face closer to hers and pressed his lips against hers in a smooth peck, "Over," another peck, "and over," another peck, " and over again." The kiss though small and simple, was full of warmth and regretful want all at once.
Though he hadn't said those three words yet, she could feel the burning passion through the affection he had just showed her. Maybe he didn't love her yet, but she could tell soon, that he would, he would love her unconditionally.
Of this, she was certain.
A/N: This is the end of the sequel to 'Uncertainties' written by Neevix! Seriously if you haven't read that first you need to go and read it now!!! That oneshot was amazing! The storyline was creative and different, and quite frankly, I am mad it doesn't have more views and COMMENTORS!
Of course my lovely readers wouldn't do that to me, right? You guys wouldn't read my story, hard work, and not COMMENT, would you? Of course you wouldn't! All of you will COMMENT!!! Well I have faith that all of you who are appreciative and not selfish will COMMENT!!!
Also, if you did go check out Neevix story and you did not COMMENT, I recommend that you go back and drop a COMMENT even if it is only one word...none of this "I don't know what to say" business ok? If you don't know what to say then leave that as a COMMENT!!!
Whew, ok lovely readers! I do hope that all of you enjoyed what was written here and I hope all of you enjoyed 'Uncertainties' as well!!!
COMMENT!!!
Certain: The original oneshot and author of Uncertainties seems to have deleted her profile and the story. I'm sorry you all won't be able to read that one before enjoying this one. This story can be read separately however. Enjoy!
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