Dear Baekhyun,

You must be still crying over that bastard. Right?

Will you get mad at me if I say, “I’ve told you”?

I’ve told you that that bastard would bring you nothing but tears. That he couldn’t be trusted. I’ve told you that he would leave you, just like a spoilt brat who threw his toys away once he got bored of them. I’ve told you millionth times.

But you never listened.

I’ve told you that that scum had another boyfriend. I’ve told you the story when I bumped into him, hand in hand with that boy from another major, who you deemed as his best friend. That cheater didn’t wear the couple ring you gave him on your anniversary. I saw him leaning onto that guy, whispering things, and that guy would laugh over whatever that bastard had said. I told you that I saw it with my own two eyes, but you would always stare at me with your gaze that completely shut me off. “Not a chance, Zitao,” you said. “I know Kris, he’s not that type of guy,” you said. You got angry with me as if I told you a lie about your lovely bastard. As if he was innocent and could do nothing wrong. So I gave in, apologized to you and lied about seeing someone who looked like him instead. I would do anything for you as long as you wouldn’t hate me.

Can’t you see?

I know I’ve said that I would never lie to you. But if I didn’t, you would be mad at me. You would cry and shout at me for telling you lies, even though they were truth, and those gleam in your eyes would fade away; as well as your smile.

And it hurt me.

I lied and lied and lied until I could no longer distinguish the lies from the truth, just to see that smile again. The smile that made me fall for you in the first place.

I did it all to see your bright eyes turning into beautiful crescent-moon shape as you laughed. Those eyes twinkling as you told me your stories, despite all of them were about that bastard.

I bear it all, just so I can see you happy.

You just never realized it.

Sometimes I wonder what made you fell so hard for him. Was it his smile, his words, or everything about him in general; that made you turn your back on us, your friends. On me.

You never listened to us anymore, not even Kyungsoo. He warned you not to fall too deep with that bastard, and all you did was brushing his words off by saying that he worried too much. You said that he and you loved each other. You said you knew that he was the one and that he felt the same. You said that the both of you would be together forever. I remember it all, when Joonmyun looked at you with worries in his eyes and asked you whether you were really sure of it.

Can’t you see?

They knew what kind of person he was. They knew but they kept it all from you. They cared for you, heck, they still do. I still do.

But you never see.

You were too blinded by him.

I always kept an eye on him. I always keep track on what he did, just in case that jerk did something that might hurt you, and if he did, I would never forgive him for as long as I live. Not like I would now.

He showered you with expensive gifts; maybe he thought that they would keep you happy. But one thing he didn’t seem to give you: his love, if he even knew what it really was.

I could see in his eyes, that they held such thing called love for you. I knew that even though he was with you, his mind was not. I knew that his body was there, with you, but his attention, his mind, his heart, and his soul were not. I don’t even think that they were with you from the first place. It was crystal clear for everyone to see.

But, as always, you were too blinded by him.

Can’t you see how I had been wishing for that bastard’s hands to keep off from your body? How I had been wishing for his lips to stay away from your forehead, your cheeks, your nose, and your lips. How I had been wishing for you and him to just break it off. Because he didn’t ing deserve you, Byun Baekhyun. He didn’t even deserve to touch the tip of your finger, let alone the abundant amount of your smiles, laughter, and love.

Now the worst had happened. That bastard had left you. That bastard had chosen his other toy than you. That bastard broke your heart.

That bastard didn’t love you back.

I’ve told you.

Now, look at you. You’re crying over him. I told you that he didn’t deserve your tears. What did you see in him, anyway?

What did you see in him that you couldn’t find in me?

Why wasn’t it me that you love?

Why don’t you let me cherish you and make you happy even more than he did?

You always had me by your side.

But you were blinded by him, that you couldn’t even see my presence.

I know, now, that you will never see me the way you used to see that jerk. That you will never give me a chance to call you mine. That you will never give me even the slightest chance to hear you call me yours, even though I was yours from the very first.

It still hurt when I think that I will never have the chance to wipe your tears, to embrace you when you feel frail, to hold your hands when you feel afraid. That I would never be able to stay by your side for ever.

You will never let me in to your heart.

You only let one person got in. Once. And it was that bastard.

And he took that opportunity for granted, making you lost your hope and closing the door forever. You would never let anyone in anymore, I know, because that’s how frail you are.

Byun Baekhyun, I’m not leaving you because the door is closed for me. It’s not because I hate you either, because I love you too much to do so.

It’s just that… I’ve had enough.

I’ve had enough of myself loving you this much. I’ve had enough of waiting outside the door that would never be opened for me. I’ve had enough of myself sacrificing everything I have for you while you would never realize it.

It might be a cliché, but it’s not you that made me feel this hopeless. It’s me.

And I need to go from you, to maintain my own feelings. To stop myself from killing that jerk for hurting you this much. And to pull myself out from the longing I always feel toward you.

Byun Baekhyun, I love you. And I hope that one day, when we meet again, I can see your smile once more. The smile that could brighten up the whole world. The smile that could brighten up my world.

And I hope that that time, you will be happy.