내가 싫어? 가까이와…
(Do you hate me? Come closer…)


I get unnecessary jitters every time you come closer, yet I like the warmth that your body emits.
This conflicting feeling has always been here and will stay, even till the day our hearts got closer.

The nearer you are, the clearer I can admire your lovely features, the better I can see my loving self in your eyes.
This proximity that we have is something I will never be able to obtain with another person in this world.
But it took me a rather long time to appreciate this exceptional bond between us, long enough to hurt you with my insensitivity on certain occasions.

I want your affections and attention, but this desire did not eventually evolve into a kind of courage to hold you closer.
However, you weren’t bold in showing your love in the early days too.

I can still remember your pinkly-tinted face when we were both being teased for our publicly known “jib-saram” relationship, during a particular noraebang session which resides vividly in my mind.

We were sitting pretty far away from each other, until a familiar duet song that we both like came on. You threw an acknowledging smile at me, before gesturing to ask if I was the one who picked the song. I believe Sooyoung, who happened to be between us, witnessed our not-so-secret interaction before rudely butting-in, “Arasso… Taeyeon ah, go over and sit beside your jib-saram.”

With that, I obediently but willingly crossed over many legs, to your side, earning a bashful look from you.

“Annyoung my wife.” I greeted teasingly while reaching for the microphones on the table. It was only after I ease myself into the couch that we share, you responded with a little cute confession.

“I don’t know why but my heart thumped hard and fast when you made your way towards me. I actually felt a shiver down my spine.” The sight of your hand lightly patting on the chest as you honestly profess, produce a deep and hearty laugh from me. It was a genuine chuckle of happiness and satisfaction, despite sounding more like an awkward giggle.

“Wae? Am I that scary?”

“Not that… It’s just… because you came over in the identity of my jib-saram…” This time, you look away sheepishly as your clutch on the mic tightens.

You never know how delighted but nervous I was to hear something like this coming from you.

Hence, I begin to recognise that it was equally difficult on you to initiate skinskip for most of the time, just that you made them look so comfortable and effortless.


You are also the only one I wish to keep close by my side. I have no exact idea why, but each time I watch you from afar, an abnormal urge to protect and look out for you arise naturally. Maybe it’s part of your charm, or just the sole fact that you can be rather clumsy and forgetful.

There was a time when we had to perform at the ice-skating rink. Ahead of the schedule, manager oppa had reminded us time and again to wear something warmer. Moreover, before boarding the van, I remembered nagging at everyone to bring along a thick jacket as a precaution. However, upon reaching the venue, you were the only one without a proper cold-wear. I sighed, half in disappointment and half in anger, because having a sick Tiffany was the last thing I wanted at that moment. Yet, the way you shivered under the freezing condition with your pair of vulnerable looking eyes weakened the tough side I had originally planned to show.

“Fany ah, are you cold? Come here.” In one swift action, I ped my thick down-jacket before welcoming a relieved you into my ready and open arms. I don’t know if my small body and pathetic coat was enough to keep you from the nasty cold, all I knew was the presence of a cosy and warm feeling inside my heart, when you hug my waist intimately.

From then on, your presence became dangerously addictive. Slowly, you’ve become my unhealthy obsession. It turned out rather bad, because the emptiness and insecurity ended up a bit too much for me to handle when you weren’t near.

The month of November in 2010 was hell for me. It was the first time that we have to perform as eight for a music show. You couldn’t even make a seated performance, just like the one you did during our Gee promotions. It resulted in an absence of your cheerful voice in the dressing room, something that I had always taken for granted.

‘Four weeks seems short and bearable… If Fany can do it… Why can’t I?’ I repeatedly assured myself at the backstage while the others prepare for a mini live interview. The camera lights went on, and I smiled and waved at the camera to show professionalism. I thought I was doing pretty fine, till a segment where we had to read out fan messages in English, I was painfully reminded of you again. I couldn’t remember what I did for the rest of the day, be it performances, or radio shows. Such events became less meaningful for me when you weren’t around. So nyuh shi dae becomes incomplete without anyone of us. I become incomplete without you.

That very night, I visited your room right after a midnight schedule, not even bothering to remove any makeup or sponsored attires. You looked at me intently as I dragged a stool towards your bed, only smiling weakly when I gently place a hand on top of yours.

“What’s wrong with you…?” I felt a light squeeze on my palm as you softly whispered.

“Me? Checking to see if you’re better…”

“No… During broadcast, I mean… You… don’t seem well. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I lied, despite knowing too well that you will not relent so easily. But I had to, for it was just ironical to have you fretting over something pointless.

“Were you… worrying about me?”

“I…” Stammering seems to be the only best thing I could do under your persistent questioning. It wasn’t my intention to keep things from you, but rather, I was finding it difficult to piece some words together.  

“I will be able to have this cast remove after a month. It’s not like I’ll have to stay on this wheelchair forever…”

“It’s not that Fany ah… It’s…”

Your hopeful eyes grew wider with every additional word I enunciate. Looking back at you, I was almost on the verge of pushing back those honest feelings down my throat. Nonetheless, I eventually crumbled under your little demonstrative touches.

“I…”

“I… just miss having you beside me.”

My erratic breathing was the only thing I could hear as you went into a temporary silence, and I frown a little when you stop caressing my hand. I was even certain that you would express disapproval at my babyish behavior, but I was all wrong when you started to let out a silly laugh.


“Well… me too… It feels weird to see you through the TV instead.” This time, I giggle along at our corresponding confessions, and oddly enough, I was actually glad that you had to pull out from the group activities. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the importance and presence of each other in our lives. For a few good seconds, we did nothing but smile at one another, until you broke that moment of comfortable silence with an unexpected request.  


“Taeyeon ah… Anajwo (Hug me)…”

Owing to the accumulated yearnings I had for you throughout the day, I reacted without hesitation, throwing my weary body into your warm arms. I couldn’t describe the amount of tenderness I was receiving from that embrace. Chest to chest, heart to heart, a hug is indeed the closest form of gesture two individuals can share.

“Now… Do you still miss me?” Your low voice spoke with contentment.


‘No, not anymore’ was the answer I silently gave as I nuzzled further into your neck, and it seemed that you were able to understand those unspoken thoughts, from the way you lovingly my back. It was then we became spiritually closer.


To be honest, even till today, I still tremble each time I approach you. Yet, it’s unquestionable that such a feeling will go on, because it is the only way to show how much my heart beats for you.

I love you Hwang Miyoung.