You know how people feels...

The moment you enter your company you’ll be greeted by almost everyone that can possibly see you within the perimeter onwards that you’ll either get the feeling of being extremely loved and welcomed or get awfully pressured that these people looked like their hopes are on you which you proved true over the years. 

You work, get paid that seemed less than how it should be that you need to see and dig in further the cause of it to understand why you’re getting less. You get pampered by your stylist-noonas, PA’s and body guards that are there whether it’s crowded or not, perform ‘Wae’ countless times on stage and sometimes the overly y-choreographed dance of ‘Before You Go’, get praises from artists in and out of the company, get pampered again by your stylist-noonas, PA’s and body guards on your way home and then you sleep tired and almost dead. But the thought of the noonas staying up late for other shows, choreo-hyungs still training the trainees up to midnight, taking only water break most of the time (He knows by experience), how can you have the heart to ask for more? 

You sigh deeply at all of those notions you never get to explain to your Hyungs before, when they decided to cut off their contract in your company although you knew it wasn’t the only reason they had to leave. The guilt there was loosing a chance to diminish at least one of the reasons for them to but it is too late and you’re left to try and forget about it. 

You know how you feel...

The second time you sighed, eyes shut tightly, you felt a hand touch your right shoulder with a squeeze that felt rather comforting you couldn’t stop yourself from leaning on it slightly until it moves away while you abruptly straighten up, trying not to look too disappointed and embarrassed to whoever that person was although in the back of your mind you already had an idea who it was base on that ever so soft laugh that you always think had been enchanted by angels. 

“Are you sleeping, hyung?” he asked playfully with an also soft chuckle you would never thought he’ll sang a song with the name “Lucifer”. You nodded even you just lied and he looked at you a little puzzle but he held it back just as perfectly you shook of the grim thoughts in your head. “Want some?” he offered instead a duck decorated cream cake you definitely knew was from a fan of his which had you thinking of a sudden similarity to your previous bandmate. 

“Thank you.” you told him and he quickly searched for spoons or forks for both of you. Lucky him, he got ‘sporks’ instead and he held one of it to you excitedly while he busy himself in opening the pink plastic cover. He made faces as he tried to take the pink duck-designed tape off it and you tried to stop yourself from laughing but your lips betrayed you and you laugh loudly while his face went instantly flushed from embarrassment, knowing exactly why you’re laughing. 

After a laugh trip in eating that strawberry layered cream cake that was nearly done, he looked at you while mumbling an apology. “Sorry hyung, I promise to share some with—this tape isn’t sticking anymore.” He grabbed the rest of what’s left of the cake and placed the cover back on without the by now useless tape to seal it. 

“It’s alright.” You wanted to say at least but the said person beat you to it as he opened the door and pulled him out of the room. “It’s our turn now hyung. Let’s go.” The person told him but his eyes were definitely on you until the door closes behind them, leaving you utterly hurt for a definite reason only the three knew of. 

You know how he feels...

The Music core came to an end and the artists that were left were SM ones that had planned a dinner together. You thought of not going but your friend and only bandmate pleaded you to stay because it’s been awhile since you guys had time to hang out with your hoobaes—to anyone even. Plus, he appeared saying the same thing and the thought of leaving that pouting hoobae was something you failed to do, always. 

You laughed with them when you miss a note horribly while singing at the karaoke you ended up tagging along in even if your voice that can hit 8 octaves without a problem is now screeching weirdly that caused the breathless laughter inside that tapered room you guys are in. The thought of coming wasn’t that bad after all crossed your mind and you just wish the fun don’t stop.

You ended up jinxing it though as it halted when he presented himself to get a drink for everyone and you stood up and told them you’ll help him with a reason, anyone would agree on as rational, of his ‘sangtae’ acting up out of nowhere that would probably lead him on bringing empty drinks or worse getting sued for wrecking a vending machine. 

Side to side you guys walk down the narrow hallway quietly, no words and only severe awkwardness you both knew and felt took over until you already arrive to the vending machine. He punched in the buttons after each penny he inserted while you took all four drinks and carried it with the plastic bag you brought ‘intelligently’ he quoted after seeing you take it from your pocket. It was the only time he said something and you definitely wished he didn’t because then you’d talk as well and you quickly thought of ‘that’ to say even if it’s not connected to your conversation.

He notices you froze like a statue on your spot and he grabbed your hand to shake you to life. You ended up looking at him and he quite did the same thing just with a frown from worry. “Are you alright?” He asked just to be sure and you nodded, hand reaching out for him before the gap between you and him ceases with an embrace. You immediately think you’ve gone mad and hell yeah you’re because you feel him resisting your tight hold and yet you stood firm and held him closely like your life depended on it. He relaxes soon but you quickly thought of what he might say.

“Let go, hyung.” There he said it quietly before he slipped effortlessly, expecting what you’ll do on the other hand, in tune of your hold instantly loosing their grip on him. He took the plastic bag you dropped awhile ago and he went back first, just giving you a known look to follow behind, you just never did. Your knees weaken and you looked at his back until it blurs in distance along with the memories you remembered when you said those exact words, you now regretted ever saying. 

You know...

The next time you saw him you wanted to apologize for what you did last night but this person beat you to it again. “He’s mine now hyung…” He said sternly squeezing on your right arm in place that you can’t imagine that this person infront of you is the same person who had followed you and said words ‘I absolutely admire you hyung!’ before. 

“I know.” You chuckle falsely and you quickly snatched your arm back from him forgetting the reason you still have to perform when you run down the hallway and left to wherever your feet takes you to. People called you but you didn’t dare to look back pretending you can’t hear them. 

You pretended you don’t know them. Pretended you don’t know anything for that matter because you just wish you just don’t know anything at all because knowing really hurts...and it kills you.