It is so hard to even just look at him. He is lying on his bed comfortably, like an ordinary guy. I can’t help but to feel sad. Out of all the people in this world, why him? I always ask myself this and can’t find an answer. There is no plausible reason why it should be him. He’s a happy man—one that always smiles out of nothing, laughing so hard that can also make you feel brighter. He’s the most wonderful person—one that can bring happiness to everyone. But why is life so cruel to give him such disorder?

A tear falls from my eyes again. No matter how I try on convincing everyone that I’m fine, I’m pretty sure I’ll never be.

“Why are you crying?”

I look up and see his eyes staring back at me. The usual stare that he gives, the stare that tries to feel normal despite everything. He knows his state and he’s very cautious not to hurt anyone. That is why he always tries. Every single day.

“Did I wake you up, Chanyeol-ah?” I immediately wipe my tear and put on a friendly smile.

“Hmm..no.” he answers me boringly, standing up from his bed and heads for the comfort room.

He is still the same. He is still the Chanyeol I know.

“You should put this on.” I tell him, holding out his jacket for him. “It’s cold outside.”

“Oh, sure.”

I help him with his jacket as I can feel his stare at me. He’s probably wondering who I am, why I was at his bedside as he woke up or why I was still here, waiting for him to get dressed-up. But Chanyeol does not ask (yet) again. This is what he usually does, and I’m fine with it anyway.

“Thanks.” He whispers. And I just know he’s saying thanks for staying.

“Where exactly are we going?” he asks suddenly as both of us are walking down our steps.

“Hmm. To your favorite place.”

“Oh, my favorite place.”

Then, he grabs my hand lightly and I can feel him smile. “Jiyeon, isn’t it?”

My heart suddenly tightens at his word— “I’ve seen your name all over the mirror in the comfort room.”

“Oh.” I thought you remembered.

The playground feels so nice—the sight of the snow starting to cover the trees, the swings, the monkey bars and all those childish things. Both of us walk towards it as memories of us starts to play in my head though I force myself to throw those thoughts away.

“I would always bring you here. Every day.” I tell him, sighing. “Is there anything?”

I always ask the same things every time we come here—hoping that someday he would remember. No matter how long it is (even if it will take me a lifetime, or forever), I will never give up. I will never leave. I will always be right beside him.

He shakes his head sadly. “I’m sorry.”

“Yah, where exactly are we going? I’m already tired walking.” Jiyeon complained as she put both of her arms in front of her.

“To my favorite place.” Chanyeol just smiled at her over his shoulder. “Want to have a piggy back ride?”

Jiyeon laughed at the idea. “But I’m already twenty years old for goodness sake. I’m not gonna do such silly thing—yah, put me down!”

“But you just told me you’re tired from walking, my princess.” He told her.

“But I’m heavy, you’re just tiring yourself.” Jiyeon told him, resting her head on his shoulder.

“You’re not that heavy, you know.” Chanyeol chuckled.

“Hey, what is that supposed to mean? And why the hell are you laughing?” Jiyeon asked him playfully.

Chanyeol sighs, “What am I supposed to remember?”

“Hmm..”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell. I understand.” I can feel how it hurts on your part.

They arrived at the place and Jiyeon immediately went for a swing.

“Cool. It has been so long since I have been here. I used to play here when I was younger, you know.” Jiyeon told him as she took a swing.

“I know.” He said, taking the other swing.

“You know?”

“I know. I have first seen you here. On that particular swing, to be exact.” He told her, earning a sweet smile on his face.

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. And I don’t know how but you fell… from the swing. I tried to help you up but immediately ran away when you looked at me. You were really pretty back then.” He confessed, looking at anything but her direction.

“Hmm.. I think I remember something like that, yes… you were shy.”

“but I’m not usually shy with other people, you know.”

“I know.”

“This place is where we first met.” I tell him, smiling at my best to keep the sadness in me as I speak the words.

“Oh, it clearly defines how I feel at the moment.” Chanyeol whispers, looking more at the surrounding. “It how I forget all of my memories.”

“Yeah, it really .” I look at his eyes and suddenly, I see the old him.

“I love you, Jiyeon.” Chanyeol whispered on her ears suddenly in the middle of their Music class, their teacher busy playing some piece on the piano as the class sang along.

“Yah,” she nudged him with her elbows as she tried to shove him away, “I love you more, though.”

Both of us sit by the seaside with chips and some drinks on their hands. There is silence between us but it feels comfortable—even when one doesn’t say a thing.

It is better this way, I think. It’s going to be easier for him.

“I love watching sunsets.” Chanyeol breaks the silence, trying to guess the things he used to love.

“Right. Six points for you.” I tell him. He’s good at this game—he’s so good at remembering the feeling, at least.

“Hmm. But I love it more when I’m watching it with you.” Chanyeol adds and I swear I can feel him smiling so widely.

I look at him and smiles, feeling contented and hopeful. This is one of the reasons why I never give up—because of him. He gives me hope.

“Another point for you.”

Chanyeol watched her from afar. She was pretty, that was what he thought, like an angel. But she was real because she was smiling.

The girl, probably also at his age, looked at his direction for a split second and after that she fell. He didn’t know how but she just did.

Chanyeol immediately ran towards her direction to help her up.

“Ouch..” He heard her complain with her sweet voice.

He picked her up as his skin nervously brushed against hers. He could feel his blood rushing towards his cheeks at the contact. He didn’t how because it just did. He was just sixteen years old to feel such thing. He didn’t even know it was possible.

His heart even pounded more when she looked into his eyes. And for a few moments, he felt like the world had stopped or had gone slow motion. He felt like everything gone mute and all he could ever hear was her voice, asking something… his name?

He panicked. He got nervous, embarrassed even.

So he immediately ran away after helping her up, said nothing and just left her alone.

His heart, he knew it himself it was still in the right place, but for sure, it only beats for one reason now.

“It’s getting late. You should sleep now, Chanyeol-ah.” I tell him, brushing his hair away from his face.

We sit together in his bedroom. It has been a long day for both of us—for him, since I always do these things every day and it sort of became a part of my daily routine.

Chanyeol shakes his head slowly, still staring at me.

“I just want to stay like this forever… with you.” If only we could, Chanyeol. I’d be happy to do the same.

I give him an encouraging smile, “Don’t worry, I’ll never leave you.”

“I know.” He answers immediately, but his eyebrows start to meet each other to form a line. “But.. but it’s too much for you. I’m going to forget everything tomorrow, right?”

“Hmm..” I try to speak a word but I can’t. This is going to be a goodbye. And it hurts like hell, everyday it hurts like hell.

“That’s why I don’t want to go to sleep, Jiyeon. It .”

“But you’re already tired. You must…” Being not able to hold them any longer, tears start to fall from my eyes. “get some sleep now.”

“But it’s more tiring for you, Jiyeon.” Chanyeol tells me as he reaches for my face.

I look at his eyes and see inside him. It’s true that he lost all of his memories but how is it possible for his heart not to forget all of the feelings? I’m thankful though. He might have forgotten the things that we used to do and all of the memories that we have created but at least, his heart does not forget the feeling.

It makes me feel like crying more though.

“I’m not tired, you know. Never.” I tell him honestly with all of my heart. At the end of the day I would always tell him this and I know it’ll never change. My love for him will never change that’s for sure.

Chanyeol sighs heavily as he places my head on his shoulder, “I realized that memories aren’t that special, you know. Love isn’t something your mind knows of anyway. It’s the heart. And as long as my heart is beating, I’ll know immediately how much I love you, Jiyeon. I love you so much. I want you to know that.”

“I know, Chanyeol. I know. And I love you so much, too.”

He’ll forget everything by the moment he opens his eyes tomorrow morning, I know, but his heart… his heart won’t ever forget the feelings. And this is what that keeps me from giving up. It has already been a year of being like this, but I know that someday… someday everything will be right.