The flashbacks were agonizing. Memories replayed like broken reels, his mind and heart desperately clinging to the fading moments they had shared together. Himchan squinted into the light of the bright sun and wished that, for once, he could see past it to an otherworldly city in which she might be waiting for him. Counting numbers on his fingers, he slouched against the sturdy brick wall next to him. Two weeks. He hadn’t heard her laugh for fourteen days, and the number would only continue to expand.

Heaving a sigh he lifted away from the wall, wandering back towards an apartment like a man lost in the sand.

When he opened the door, her face was the first he saw. Smiling, cheerful, her eyes glittering with trace of surprise as his lips touched lightly to her cheek. He picked up the picture frame, running a finger over her glossy printed hair. Another sigh escaped his lips. Those precious moments felt as though they had been an eternity ago.

***

“You really should try the dance sometime!” Her smile was bright as she dragged him away from the piano. “Why won’t you try it? You’ve learned hundreds of instruments, why not this one?” He rolled his eyes playfully, knocking her gently on the temple.

“Hundreds? I don’t think so. And dancing isn’t an instrument.” She narrowed her eyes with an insulted atmosphere around her.

“Really? Because I don’t need music to dance.” Himchan sighed in mock exasperation, taking the hand she had extended to him.

“Fine.” His smile was irrepressible as she guided him through simple choreography, gliding across the floor like a swan. Laughter echoed in when he stumbled on his feet, yet her strong hands clasped his and halted his fall. Again and again she showed him the turn, ending with her hand raised and holding his. He followed her lead with a grin, bowing playfully when his spin was completed perfectly with hers.

“See? You can dance.”

“Only because you helped me.” She rolled her eyes dramatically.

“I don’t think so. Even when you tried to teach me the piano I still couldn’t do it.”

“That’s different.” She laughed again, her voice a light melody in his ears.

She brought Himchan to her apartment, dragging him behind her with enthusiasm in her steps. He toured the rooms with curious eyes.

“Look at this,” she said, bringing him over to her dresser. She twisted a key on the back of the wooden box, her other hand resting on the delicate carvings on its lid. It opened with a cheerful creak, delicate tones resonating from within. A tiny angel spun on point inside the lid and twisted in time to the familiar melody. He looked to her with pleased surprise in his eyes.

“Isn’t this from the song you’re using for the audition?” She nodded happily.

“I’ve had this forever…The song makes me so happy, I just thought it was perfect for my dance.” Himchan smiled, admiring the details of her face more than he did the box. Leaning close, he hovered his lips gently over hers.

“It is perfect,” he said, giving her a kiss as sweet as the music.

***

He could scarcely remember that laugh. It seemed to fade in his mind every day, becoming as dull a haze as the former shine in his eyes.

Everywhere he looked her smile was facing him. Bright and complex, she was an enigma he could never hope to reclaim. Her joy of life seemed to exude from every photograph. It was ironic, Himchan thought, that it was he who took the appearance of death.

***

“One more time, please? Just once more and I promise I’ll be satisfied.”

“Fine, but this is the last time okay? It’s been perfect for weeks.” He pretended to be annoyed by the constant practicing, but genuinely enjoyed the opportunity to watch his girlfriend dance.

With graduation approaching slowly, her audition to an elite dance company became the focus of her life. He was eager to assist, always playing the piano for her. She asked him to rest, reminded him that his playing could be easily recorded, yet he insisted upon playing every time.

It came to a point that the melodies moved from his fingers mechanically, so engrained in his mind that he could watch her dancing with his untiring eyes.

She moved to the music with passion before the video camera. The bright fluorescent lights glowed overhead, and it seemed to him that even her shadows offered an overwhelming grace. These moments of soft dancing were almost meditative for him. Himchan contemplated the busyness of his life with her; the side-splitting laughter, the outings with friends, and the comfortable moments alone all compiling into a colorful array of priceless memories, a dance of their own.

***

Replay. His finger touched the screen again and left a smudge on the phone’s bright display. This audition tape was the last video he had of brighter days, of happier times. He was like a robot, constantly hanging to reminders of her presence.

Days passed with little thought, his brain compensating for the deluge of emotions by shutting off completely. Sleep and food were an afterthought to him, insignificant indulgences that hardly approached his stirring mind anymore.

“You really should go to…her apartment.” Himchan looked up at his friend with a saddened stare. “I know it’s hard, but there’s a lot of things there that involved you. And her parents insist that you get to keep them.” His friend placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “It might help you, you know, move on?” He shook away from him, drawing his legs back into a tight ball.

Perhaps if he shrank himself away enough, he would disappear completely?