He stared at his hand phone for the umpteen time that night. The picture on his wallpaper had not been changed for years. He still missed it though, like it was still a fresh memory, like it was still real. The faces on the picture were still happy and back then; there was nothing to worry about except their jobs and life. Their relationship seemed so blissful.

A message that he’d never dared to read still remained unopen….

The lights of the screen began to dim, but he touched them again, and it lilted up showing the picture clearly once more. He wasn’t willing to turn it off… Maybe look at it, stare at it till the battery faded and died off then was he willing to stray away from the wallpaper. It made him tear.

Slumping back onto the soft sheets JaeJoong rolled backwards, eyes still never leaving the screen. How he so desperately want it to be real again. The arms that held him a long time ago were already gone. To where, he’d never know. He still remembered everything as though it had just happened yesterday.

Deciding that it was futile to just stare at the picture on his screen, he flipped to the message inside his inbox. A message that he’d read over a thousand times. It still rang loud and clearly in his mind in his visions. He couldn’t forget it.

The room was dark, with no lights on but he didn’t care. It wasn’t like anyone would come in anymore to call him ‘Honey~ I missed you’. It wasn’t like there would be anyone to ask him ‘I’m hungry, please cook for me’. No, no more.

Everything had changed.

He still remembered the nights where the other would be outside his door, banging on it to let him in, telling him how much he missed him, how much he needed him. JaeJoong still wouldn’t open the door. If they had to separate it would probably be for the best. He kept quiet while the other would continue to shout from outside, asking him to at least let him see his face once more before happily leaving but no.

The times where he would come back and see a drunken Yunho outside his door waiting so patiently for him to return and although he would seem be just slouching there he knew Yunho was waiting. Still he didn’t want to see him. It was probably for the best, he kept telling himself that. So he backed off and didn’t return until the next day where he’ll find that the younger had already left acknowledging that Jae wasn’t coming back. Still a part of him wished that Yunho couldn’t have continued to wait. It seemed rather selfish to only think of himself…

Then there was a day where JaeJoong would pass by a café he and Yunho used to visit every time they had a weeks’ vacation, one too many. Memories of him and Yunho flashed back into his mind. He watched the image of them sitting by a window seat, eating and chatting away. Yunho would always cheekily lean over and kiss him on the cheeks telling him how lovely he was and that his eyes were beautiful. He sighed in dismay when he caught sight of a familiar figure sitting all alone forlorn like he was missing something. That figure which he recognized anywhere- Yunho. It was something once upon a time that he held so dearly to himself and no one else. He watched the figure sit there melancholically sip his latte waiting for whatever he wished would come and JaeJoong knew exactly who he was waiting for- him.

Yet he wanted to erase that memory. It was probably the best thing to do since the winter of 2010. Probably… Maybe…

JaeJoong attempted to walk away, to leave but that sad back view of Yunho left him stagnant on the spot. He wanted to barge into the café and throw himself into Yunho in a bear hug, he wanted to scream at him telling him that he was an idiot for loving him, he wanted to kiss him, to feel his lips on his again but on top of that, all he wanted was for Yunho to tell him ‘I need you’ once more.

He still couldn’t. No. No No…

JaeJoong was still debating with himself when the younger seemed to sense something and turn his back to face the glass frosted over, glancing out the transparent material. Both their eyes met for a while and Yunho’s eyes shot open in surprise. JaeJoong noticed that he opened his mouth to say something and stood up but immediately the elder just turned his back and walked in the opposite direction.

I need to leave.

As he paced fast back the way he came, he heard footsteps from a far off. They seemed hurried and JaeJoong confirmed that Yunho was chasing after him. He sped up his steps into a run but apparently it was futile. The padding behind him grew louder as they neared him and as he turned a band to his apartment, he was flat out sprinting. Once there, he keyed in his door code hurriedly and slammed it shut behind him.

He heard footsteps at his door. Then there was a soft knock.

“JaeJoong…. Joongie. Please…..”

JaeJoong tried to ignore it; he tried to shut his ears to the outside world. He wanted to end it all. It felt like his insides were screaming, screaming at him, telling him what an idiot he was. He chooses to ignore it. He squeezed his eyes shut, hopping that if he kept them shut long enough, everything would end.

“Joongie…. I-“He heard again, and there was a soft rapping on his door.

Go away. Please…

He wanted to turn around and yank the door open to see Yunho once more, but he knew it was forbidden. He knew that if they were to meet again, things would get worse for him and for Yunho. He was worried more about the younger than he was for himself. No he couldn’t.

Yunho… I love you but…

There was silence outside the door and JaeJoong wondered if Yunho had left but there wasn’t any sound of walking or footsteps, just silence. He pressed his back to the door and slouched down into a puddle.

“Yunho….”He mumbled to himself, clutching his knees in between his arms.

Right outside the door, Yunho was in the same position as Jae was, hopping of all hopes that his other half would open the door and let him in.

He didn’t care if everything was going to end badly. He didn’t care if their careers were to be jeopardized because of their relationships. He just wanted JaeJoong in his arms again. He sighed discontentedly.

After half an hour of waiting, JaeJoong turned to the door. It seemed awfully quiet outside as though Yunho had left.

Maybe he did….

Standing up, he timidly pulled the door open. Yunho was gone and all that was left was a little note sticking under his door mat. Gingerly he pulled it out from under the mat and flipped it to the back.

He’d be lying if those scribbles that he recognized made him smile but soon that smile was replaced by tears. They dripped down his checks like a waterfall and he found himself sniffing. He realized something…

He missed Yunho so much.

As he closed his door, he slumped back against the door once more. Hand clutching the tiny piece of paper- what was left of his lover for now.

It read:

“Dear Joongie…..

I… don’t know what to say… I just….

Please come back to me. I need you….

The days where I’ll drench myself in alcohol is enough…. Constantly trying to kill myself is not an option either….

Joongie…..

If you’re reading this…. Please….. I know how much I’ve made you mad. I’m sorry….I’m sorry…

I’m very sorry.                     

                                                                                                                                                          Yours forever,

                                                                                                                                                                         Yunho”

When he had finished the letter, everything just came out. The feeling he had kept bottled up for the past 3 years came flowing out. Like a river, his tears seemed never endless staining his fair cheeks.  The world to him suddenly felt silent as he clung to the piece of paper.

His phone buzzed again, probably reminding him of the long forgotten message that he hadn’t read for years.

Timidly sliding the unlock panel, and pushed the read button.

The message was dated back September 11 2010……. I’m sorry… I love you.

JaeJoong pressed the phone to his chest as it throbbed.

I’m sorry…. I love you too…..

                                                                           ~----------------------- One Shot --------------------------~