I know who I am. Everyone's telling me I shouldn't change, but would you even like me now? Thought so.

I remember when it was just me and you and our good old selves. I remember I didn't even like you back then; I was too busy obsessing over your best friend.

And remember those times you stood in the rain with me after school, missing the bus to wait for my ride? Do you know how painful it was not being able to return the favor? 

Her eyes are bigger than yours. They're round and curious like she wants to learn everything there is to know about you. Her eyes always try to avoid your stare as you tell her how pretty they are. They always watch you as you recklessly make your way towards her. You're always smiling, always skipping with joy, even as you go to her, you don't see that I'm watching too.

I applied eyeliner around my eyes. Maybe you'd notice my eyes were pretty, too. Maybe I could feel beautiful as well.

I remember when we fought over who got to be the pet dog in our game of "House". Khun would always hang around the dog. He would always love the dog the most. And I remember when I fought oh so hard for his affection and I left you in the mud.

I remember when I didn't care about you when you cried and how you looked so ugly with that tear-soaked face. Those annoying chubby bunny cheeks that Khun was attracted to made me want to slap them even more and he still wanted you to be his best friend.

Her hair is smooth. It dances like a curtain down her shoulders every time she turns to look at you. She keeps tucking it behind her ears as you talk to her. She wakes up with good hair and you always have to touch it and catch a whiff of her new shampoo because she won't let you get too close to her.

I took the time to get up early and washed my hair every morning. I combed the conditioner thoroughly through my hair twice. But when I dry my hair and it unfolds, it's still as choppy and uneven as it always was. 

I remember how it was when my parents fought for the first time. Khun told me I could cry all I wanted and he took me out for ice-cream. You trailed along and told me to it up and be a man. That was the first time I liked your advice more than Khun's.

I remember how hard it was to be at home. Remember those times you'd sneak me out and we'd stay out till the sun rose? You'd never let me watch the sunrise, though. I remember you kept calling it an ugly ball of fire and how it didn't deserve so much attention. Afterall, the only thing it seemed to do was rise and fall out of the sky.

Her lips are open in awe half the time as you show her your moves, the same moves you showed off to me as we walked down the street. She's smiling so much and her dimples are so cute you always have to pinch them. She always blushes and turns away from your gaze, your loving gaze.

I slid the tube of lipstick across my dry lips. Ugly, ugly, ugly. I've never felt so ugly in my life. Why didn't my smile ever look like hers? My cheeks were as flat as my chest, no signs of dimples anywhere either.

Her name rolls off your tongue so easily. You enunciate each sound and yell her name in the hallway, unafraid of the wary students watching. You give her a pet name, IU, and it's like you're both meant to be. I, U, together forever and me being the lousy third-wheeler you both leave behind.

I said my name over and over. You never even called me my full name. You called me by the first letter and I realized how different I am to you from her.

I remember how we spent our time together. You and Khun tried to teach me basketball. I remember I never cared and only liked teaming with Khun and beating you. I remember you'd laugh at my way of shooting the ball; like a bunny hop. You'd laugh so hard I'd have finished my little chuckle and you'd still be doubled over and clutching your stomach. I remember how your laugh was so contagious and how you had me laughing to tears as well.

Remember when we raced to the creek? I remember how I proudly declared it our spot and you dipped your dirty sneaker in, clouding the clear water that trailed over the rocks. You told me not to worry, nothing was living there anyways. I remember how we sat under those fir trees and when you fell asleep, I'd admire those chubby cheeks of yours. I remember forgetting about Khun for a second and thinking of you.

She's always dressed politely. Her school uniform is smoothed out and any wrinkle is patted down immediately. Her tights show the shape of her fit legs and her knees aren't knobby. Her shoes are a modest pair of worn-out Converse; rich but not spoiled.

I can't seem to pat down the creases in my shirt no matter how hard I pull. My knee-high socks draped around my room are all patterned and I can't find a single solid color. My shoes are muddied from all our running. I never threw them away and now they're starting to squeeze my toes.

I remember when Khun stopped hanging around with us so much. I remember how you punched me on the shoulder and told me to get over my little crush. I remember getting cramped thumbs from playing too much depressed-guy-version video games to cool off. I remember complaining and wishing for some ice-cream like normal girls do with their best friends. I remember you'd snort and sock me again. Halo was a pretty awesome game, but the third version came out long after you stopped inviting me over.

The way she carries herself must've been what drew you to her. She's so self-concious, she doesn't know what she really has. She's sorry to everyone, she "can never get it right" and she knocks her head with a tight fist and shut eyes. She falls over so much and maybe that's when you jumped in. You were just dying to be someone's prince.

I remember when you started talking about getting a girlfriend. It sounded so foreign, you getting a girlfriend? I remember punching you back (haha) and telling you to lay off the pot, no girl would ever want you. I remember secretly wishing you'd ask me, though I wasn't sure I'd answer with a sure 'yes.'

I remember when Khun got a girlfriend. I remember crying so hard and it hurt and I never wanted to see him again. I remember you picking me up again and slapping some sense into me. Don't be such a wussy, you yelled. I remember being scared of you for the rest of the night; you'd never been so mad.

If it wasn't her lost sense of dignity that caught you in her web, maybe it was how much she liked me. I wanted her to be a and hate me so I could have an actual reason to hate her with all the anger in the world. She had to make it complicated and she just kept calling me "unnie, unnie, unnie" and you "oppa, oppa, oppa." I wanted to kick and scream and tell you she wasn't the one. I thought I knew you better.

I tried to be grateful for a week and I apologized to everyone I bumped into. I smiled politely and I straightened my slouch. I sat with my legs crossed together and I tied my hair up with a bow. (You seemed to like it so much on her, so why not?)

I remember going back to the creek when you announced she was your girlfriend. I remember seeing tiny tadpoles gliding about in the crystal clear water. I thrashed my hands into the water to scare off the ugly frog babies. I didn't want them there. I remember realizing I didn't want her to be there anymore either. I wanted her to leave and go back to her old school and we'd be together again. I remember wanting to be your girlfriend.

You insisted she come along the next time you and the guys(what you called the rest of us) played basketball. You couldn't let her get hurt by our rough playing. Maybe when we're alone I'll show you how to play, you said into her ear, loud enough for us all to hear.

I tried so hard to be like her so you would notice me. Maybe you'd think of me more than just another buddy and we'd be like you and her.

I tried and tried and tried

but in the end, it'll always just be you and her.