The floorboards creaked under your weight as you opened your bedroom door to go outside. It was 2:30 am, way past your bedtime, but upon hearing the strange noises coming from below, you willed yourself to rise from your bed and investigate.

The cold air was sending shivers down your spine, but you forgot to put on a sweater over your pajamas. You were already halfway to the staircase anyway, so it didn’t matter anymore.

You knew by then that the sounds came from your living room, as the matching lights flickered through the walls from where you were standing. You peered from corner where the stairs end and you saw that the TV was on.

Frowning to yourself, you stepped into the living room and began to think who to reprimand in the morning. But as you neared the couch, you see your 6 year-old son,  Ji Hun, staring intently at the screen. If he heard you come in, he didn’t make any indication.

You feel a mixture of surprise and amusement at the sight of your son in the dark, at 2:30 am.

“Ji Hun?” you whispered, sitting down slowly beside him. He acknowledged you with a soft “Mommy”.

“Why are you awake honey?” you ask, finally looking at the screen your son was so absorbed in.

For a moment, you felt a hitch in your throat. Your heart starts beating widly in your chest as you willed yourself not to cry. Not today, not in front of Ji Hun.

"Oh." You said, looking sadly over your son. His eyes were wet with unshed tears. And it just breaks your heart to see that he was clutching a picture in his hands, as if some force was going to pull it away from him.

The figure on the TV was a man sitting on a chair. Judging from the position, he was sitting in front of the camera, ready to say something.

And it seemed like it was just yesterday that you remembered everything that happened. The day that you lost the love of your life, and along came a new one.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

You couldn't fully understand what was happening around you. All you wanted was for it to end.

The machines around you beeped an unknown message and you tried your hardest to listen to the voice commanding you.

 

"Push Mrs. Lee! Push harder!" A voice from somewhere on your right said.

 

You gripped the sheets very tightly and let out a painful scream.

 

"Just a little more! You can do it!"

 

Excited voices from around cheered you on. Your sweaty hair was sticking to your face and neck. The romm a blur to you now.

As much as you wanted, you couldn't have him by your side at this time. But had to finish it. You just had to. For him.  With one last painful push, you finally hear a cry of a new baby being born to the world. You couldn't stop the tears from falling, out of happiness and exhaustion.

 

"Congratulations Mrs.Lee! It's a boy!"

"It's a beautiful baby. Congratulations!"

 

And before you could slip into a deep sleep because of exhaustion, you could only think about your new baby and your husband.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

You were drifting in and out of consciousness. You were well aware that a few nurses are settled around you, crooning over a bundle of sheets in their arms.

 

"Is that my baby?" You ask groggily.

 

"Yes Mrs. Lee. He's a very healthy baby."

"Congratulations! Would you like to hold him now?"

 

You nodded. Slowly, you gripped the handles from your bed as one of the nurses helped you to a sitting position. But instead of sitting, you swung your legs out the side of the bed. The nurses gasped in alarm as you pulled the tiny wires and tubes they inserted in your arms.

 

"Mrs. Lee! What are you doing?"

 

"Please give me my baby." You said, stretching your arms to them. The baby, sensing that you were there, began to cry for you. They obliged.

 

The instant your baby felt your touch, he calmed down. The nurses were forcing you to go back to bed, to rest. Cradling him in your arms, you shook your head to them. Fresh tears began to fall from your eyes onto your cheeks as you held your baby for the first time.

His skin was pink and soft to your touch. His lips seemed to form a contented smile as you studied his features. His nose. His nose were yours. The long lashes must be from your mother's side. But his eyes. The shape of his eyes were from his father.

 

"I need to see my husband." You declared. The nurses sprouted up excuses, saying you weren't strong enough, saying you were too weak to walk.

 

But you were having none of that. Slowly but surely, clutching your baby delicately against you, you made for the door.

 

"Please Mrs. Lee. Please rest for now."

"You're not strong enough."

 

"You don't understand!" You whispered angrily. "I need to see him!"

 

Your heart was bursting with so much emotion now. The nurses couldn't stop you as you walked out of your room. You didn't seem to notice that you forgot your slippers as you made your way around the corridor. By familiarity, you knew just where to turn.

 

Please hold on a little longer. I'm coming.

 

You stopped in front of a big, white door. Asking the staff on the counter for assistance, they pulled the door open while you prepared yourself and your baby.

Even after months of going in and out of hospitals, you still weren't prepared for this. Even after hearing the dreadful news months before, you still weren't prepared to let go.

 

Who would? You thought bitterly as you made your way past the big machines towards the bed that was in the center of the room.

 

"Hey Taemin." You whispered softly, looking down on the figure. "Look. It's our son. It's Ji Hun." You held out your sleeping son in front of him.

 

"He's a very healthy boy." You said, carefully setting the baby down on the space beside him. "And he has your eyes. I can tell."

 

You pulled a chair beside the bed and sat down. Without the weight of your baby in your arms, you began to feel a weight from your heart instread. Clasping your hand to his unmoving one, you choke on the sobs that you've kept for far too long.

 

"Why is it so unfair?" You cried as you caressed Taemin's cheeks.

 

The cheeks that were once full and glowing were now pale and sullen. The hair that was once soft and bouncing were now stiff and covered in surgical bandages. The mouth that you had tasted, so sweet and loving, were now breathing in air from a tube.

 

"All we ever wanted was to start a family, right? What was so wrong about that?" You sobbed, the tightness in your heart willed you to. " What was so wrong that you had to be taken away from me? From us?"

 

If only he could talk. If only he could see you, hear you right now. Then he would definitely do something to ease your pain. But he can't, and you knew it.

 

His chest rose and fell. And with every steady, shallow breathing, you found the little strength inside you.

 

"I'm sorry. I'm being selfish." You apologized. "I'm here Taemin. We're here."

 

Yes. It was hard for you. But it was harder for him when he was brought to the hospital. To be treated with medicine, to be undergoing so many tests and chemotherapy. It was hard when he knew he would be leaving a lot behind. His family, his friends. It was even harder when he learned that he will not be able to survive long enough to see his son grow up. It was hardest for him when he knew he would be leaving you with all the pain.

 

When you learned you were pregnant, he told you firmly that he won't go anywhere until he held his child in his arms.

 

"I'll hold on. I promise you that. Now just go ahead and be pregnant. Stop worrying too much."

 

Now here he was, really holding on for dear life. You smiled softly, the tears staining your cheeks, you carefully adjusted his hand so that he too, was holding your baby.

You weren't aware of it, but you were seen by the doctors and nurses outside your room. Their eyes just as red as yours, their hearts also aching for the scene in front of them.

 

And as you held on to the most important people in your life, you saw a lone tear escape from Taemin's eyes. And at that time, you couldn't ask for anything else.

 

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

"Hi Ji Hun! How are you big boy? You must be really strong right now, eh?"

 

A 29 year-old Lee Taemin smiled into the camera. His sickness hasn't estinguished the happy nature that was his being. The light still shone from his eyes.

 

"I'm guessing you already have a lot of girls lined-up for you. Well, can't say that you got it from anyone else." He chuckled merrily.

 

"Listen carefully Ji Hun. I'm gonna have to lay down a few rules for you."

 

 He held out his hand, palm facing the camera.

 

"Number 1: Love your mother. Don't ever make her cry. I did it to her once, and boy was it the biggest mistake of my life! She's going to be your biggest fan, your best-est friend. She's the only girl that can love you unconditionally. Take real good care of her."

 

"Number 2: Don't ever take shi- uh, sorry honey."

 

He grinned sheepishly to his right, and a barely audible "Watch your language" was heard on the background.

 

"Don't ever take crap from anyone! If you don't know what crap is, you can ask mom over there. Anyway, don't let them get the best of you. You gotta learn how to fight for your rights. The world is such a big place. Sometimes it's scary, but I'm sure you'll be alright. You're a Lee! And that's what Lee's do."

 

He held out three fingers now, representing the third reminder.

 

"Number 3: Follow your dreams. If you want to be a pliot, learn how to fly! If you want to be a doctor, learn how to care. If you want to be me, don't."

 

This time, his seriousness began to show. And you thought that it was both heartbreaking and loving for him to be doing this.

 

"Be yourself. I'll be proud of you no matter what you choose to be."

 

His eyes were now glistening with tears. In those days, he wasn't afraid to show he was crying. He wasn't afraid to show everyone how he really feels.

 

"Daddy is sorry that he's not with you right now. It's not your fault that has to go someplace else. He's sorry that he can't drive you to school, or attend your soccer games. He's sorry he can't be there when you have problems."

 

He was keeping his voice steady so that Ji Hun can hear him better, even when he's shaking uncontrollably.

 

"Daddy is in a really nice place. I'm watching over you and Mommy. I'll protect you even when I'm far away. Don't worry. We'll be together someday."

 

"Daddy loves you so much. Don't ever forget that. He loves you and your Mommy so much."

 

 

 

You paused the video at exactly the time Taemin’s  eyes bore on the camera, his mouth curled up in a soft smile, his tear-stained cheeks glowing more than ever. You gave a soft smile to Ji Hun, who returned it with a question.

 

“Is he really watching over us?” His eyes, the color of Taemin’s eyes, looked up to you expectantly. The soft glow of the television highlighted his small figure against the couch.

 

“Of course, sweetie. Daddy is always there wherever we go.” You answered.

 

“Okay then.” He replied innocently. “I’m not scared anymore.”

 

“Is that the reason why you were awake?” you asked.

 

Ji Hun nodded, still clutching the picture in his tiny, soft hands.

 

“I had a bad dream so I woke up.”

 

“Why didn’t you go to Mommy’s room?” You ask, slightly anticipating the answer.

 

“It’s okay. Daddy called me.” He replied, showing you the picture he was holding for almost a while now.

 

It was your favorite picture of Taemin, right before his illness took place. He was wearing a blue button-down shirt, the sun catching the gold specks in his eyes. His mouth openly smiled, revealing rows of pearly-white teeth, the wind slightly tousling his hair. You put that picture in Ji Hun’s room because he insisted that “Daddy will keep the monsters away”.

 

You smiled lovingly at your son, caressing his cheeks.

 

“Mommy?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Do you think we’ll be able to go to where Daddy is?”

 

For his age, Ji Hun had been a smart kid. He understands things differently like any other kids his age. He understands them with a deeper meaning. And because of what he had gone through, living without a father figure, you weren’t really surprised at his question.

 

“Of course, sweetie.” You kissed the top of his head and snuggled him closer to you. “Someday, we’ll all be together.”

 

Ji Hun wrapped his little arms around your waist.

 

“Promise you won’t go ahead of me, okay Mommy?” he said, sleepiness finally catching up on him. “It wouldn’t be fun if I go alone.”

 

“I promise.”

 

“I love you Mommy.” He said.

 

“I love you too. So much.”

 

The tears from your eyes were flowing freely now. And as the day took a turn for the better, you lay there, on the sofa with Ji Hun, with Taemin’s face glowing in front of you.

 

You hadn’t felt complete ever since.