As usual it was an early start for the members of Super Junior, today was the day they began rehearsing for their up and coming concert in Seoul, which naturally they were very excited about. There was nothing like performing in the place they had had their first show.

 

It took a while for them to get down to some serious work as they were all too excitable. An extreme poking war had taken place amongst the younger members, which led to them all ganging up on poor Ryeowook and tickling him until he fell over. However their fun was shortly ended as the royal princess Cinderella Heechul got annoyed at their rowdiness.

 

They had fallen silent as Heechul prepared himself to moan at them, however at that moment in time Donghae and Yesung were seriously debating which the best sea creatures were. Of course Yesung was loyal to his love of turtles while Donghae tried to tell them that lots of other sea creatures were nice too, especially ‘cute little fishies’.

 

‘Why are you being so stubborn? It’s clear that turtles are not the best!’ Donghae’s voice rang through the silence. The seconds that followed were extremely awkward before they all started laughing, even Heechul who was previously annoyed.

 

‘Okay guys!’ Leeteuk called whilst laughing. ‘It’s time to get to work!’

 

The group danced for many hours, going through and perfecting all the dances as some of the moves had slipped their minds after not practising them for so long. It had reached lunch time when Teukie suggested that they have a break.

                                                                                   

They all sat on the floor, exhausted but happy. They were proud of the work that they had put in. Donghae sat in Eunhyuks arms as they watched Shindong roll about on the floor for no reason in particular. While Kyuhyun pulled out his Nintendo DS and started playing as if his life depended on it, accidently ignoring Sungmin who wanted Kyuhyun to come and get a drink with him.

 

The rest of the members seemed to playing a game that they had just invented in which they had to answer questions in a certain way or they would get hit on the head, however since Kibum kept on changing the rules, which was apparently allowed since it was his game, everybody but him lost every time.

 

After some time of messing around Leeteuk called the members to attention in order to get back to practicing, once again they danced, perfectly synchronised despite their tiredness.  That is until Heechul lost his balance on a turn and fell, grabbing onto the groups evil maknae in some vain attempt to stay up right. They both fell to the floor.

 

Leeteuk paused the music as the rest of the group looked at them curiously. Kyuhyun was slumped on the floor looking annoyed; Heechul pulling him down made him look bad too.

 

 Usually someone falling would become the object of teasing, but this was Heechul and Heechul never fell.

 

‘Hyung are you okay?’ Donghae shuffled over to where Heechul sat on the floor, looking completely bewildered (and completely ignoring Kyuhyun I might add, who looked even more irritated than before).

 

Heechul looked around at his fellow members for a while, debating what he was going to say, he was just as shocked as the rest of them that he had fallen. Everything had been going so well.

 

‘Hyung?’ Donghae repeated, holding out his hand to help him stand.

 

Now Heechul looked as annoyed as Kyuhyun ‘Aish I’m fine!’ he said standing up, ignoring Donghae’s outstretched hand.

 

‘I’m going to the bathroom.’ He added sharply before storming out of the room, leaving shocked stares behind him, even Kyuhyun who still sat on the floor now looked surprised. What was wrong with Heechul?

 

 

That very man was staring at himself in the mirror, he looked the same as he always did, perfect hair and the face of an angel, but this time Heechul didn’t appreciate it. He was worried. He understood as much as his fellow band members did why he had fallen, it didn’t make any sense, usually he was concentrating hard, choosing to deliberately outshine the rest of Super Junior and editing the moves as he pleased, but he was good at this, falling while dancing simply did not happen. Ever.

 

So what was this? Heechul tried to search for the answer in the reflection, had he been distracted? Perhaps it was a simple lapse in concentration that caused him to stumble, must be right? However as much as he tried to reassure himself he could not remove the sinking feeling in his stomach. He looked closely at the mirror and tried to make the little crease in between his eyebrows disappear.

 

‘Perfect’ he said to himself. There was no time to dwell on this anymore; he had to get back to practice.

 

He ran full pelt out of the bathroom and back to the dance studio. He burst open the door, letting it crash against the wall and before they had the chance to turn around he roughly swung his arms around Donghae and Kyuhyun as some form of apology. ‘Let’s dance!’ he exclaimed, hiding the true feeling inside.

 

 

Over the next few days Heechul worked harder than before to make sure he didn’t slip up again, although each morning he felt worse than before. He didn’t know if it was illness or unhappiness, either way his health worsened.

 

But he decided to ignore these things; he wouldn’t allow himself to give up. After all Kim Heechul does not give up.

 

However whilst he kept on pushing himself he was under close inspection from the group’s leader, Leeteuk was watching every move he made, or didn’t make. Heechul wasn’t as good at covering up his mistakes as he thought he was.

 

 Through the kind leaders eyes he could see that each time they danced he got progressively worse, he didn’t fall again but became close many times. Also in his eyes he could see that he was unhappy, but with what was unclear.

 

The rest of the group were also looking to see if he would fall again, although this came to a stop when Heechul caught them looking and glared at them. Because of fear of being mauled by the diva they started being subtle about it, which meant they were concentrating more on not getting caught than on their own dancing.

 

‘Stop, stop!’ Leeteuk shouted half way through their practice; he stopped the music and looked round at them all. ‘What is wrong with you?! You guys are dancing worse and worse, we can’t perform like this.’

 

He hated being so harsh to them, especially seeing them shrink back into the protective arms of their friends, but he was honestly worried, their performance was falling to pieces.

 

‘Okay let’s just go again.’ He said with an apologetic smile.

 

 

A few hours later after practice Leeteuk called Heechul over just as everybody was leaving. The diva looked around him to make sure nobody had notice he had been called, he didn’t want to be singled out as the failing one, especially by their leader, it was humiliating, Kim Heechul is supposed to be the super star.

 

‘Yes?’ he asked, not bothering to be respectable to his hyung.

 

Leeteuk put a hand on his shoulder and looked at him. Up close it was clear how tired he was, there were dark circles under his eyes and he looked unnaturally pale. 

 

 ‘I’m giving you the day off tomorrow.’

 

‘What?! Why? I don’t need a day off!’ Heechul retorted instantly.

 

‘This isn’t a discussion; you stay in bed tomorrow okay?’

 

‘Fine.’ He answered before picking up his belongings and heading back to the dorms.

 

Leeteuk sighed as he watched Heechul slam the door behind him; he didn’t like using his authority this way. But Heechul just had to get better.

 

 

The next morning came around quickly and everybody (apart from Heechul) were at the studio again and ready to go once more.

 

‘Hey hyung, where’s Heechul?’ Donghae asked Eunhyuk as he noticed that the diva was not there with them.

 

‘Ah, Teukie said he was sick today so he stayed in bed.’

 

‘Aw poor Heechul, I hope he gets better soon!’ He replied, trying to stay positive, although he did miss members when they were not there.

 

Over the next few minutes they discussed possible reasons as to why Heechul was ill and then as other members joined in the conversation they wondered how they could help him.

 

‘Maybe he didn’t sleep enough’ Yesung suggested, sitting down next to the two.

 

‘Nah that’s only Kyu who does that when he stays up playing video games all night’ Kangin said wondering over to them.

 

‘Hey!’ The maknae complained, hitting his hyung over the head as he sat down with Kibum.

 

‘Maybe he ate something bad.’ Shindong said also joining them with Siwon.

 

‘Should we bring him some hot soup or something?’ Ryeowook piped up.

 

‘Well I don’t want to be the one to wake him up and give it to him.’ Sungmin said joining the group. The rest of the members shuddered at the thought; they didn’t want to wake Heechul up, even if it was to help him. They would end up in a hospital.

 

‘Okay let’s not do that.’ Donghae said and they all agreed.

 

‘Well I know a way to help.’ Siwon said, looking up with a smile. He caught Kyuhyuns eye and they both left the room to pray for Heechuls health.

 

 

At this time that very princess snuck in through the doors of the building, he was too stubborn to stay behind. He felt shaky as he walked and he could tell he just needed to go to bed. All of these bad feelings inside of him and caused him to lose out on sleep, so not only was he unhappy but also ill from the lack of sleep.

 

But he wasn’t going to give up.

 

He pulled his beanie hat down further as he walked to the dance studio; he was hoping to get there before Leeteuk caught him and sent him home.

 

However on his way he came across Siwon and Kyuhyun. He peered curiously round the corner to see them close together with their eyes closed.

 

‘Dear Lord please help Heechul hyung recover from his illness, be there for him and protect him so he can join as again soon.’ Siwon was saying.

 

Before he had the opportunity to say more Heechul approached them angrily. ‘I don’t need any hel-‘ he began, about to tell them off for praying for him when he was doing just fine on his own.

 

 But before he had the chance the world started to spin around him. He held his hand against the wall to try and steady himself but it was no use, his vision started to get darker and he was slowly sinking to the ground. With a final effort to try and stay awake, he collapsed.

 

~

Sometime later he awoke in his room, feeling confused. He rolled over to see the clock, 1.30 in the morning, he had slept for a long time.

 

Slowly as he became more awake he began to remember why he was in bed when he had been on his way to practice. He had fainted and now everybody knew he was weak.

                                                                                          

He really couldn’t stand this feeling anymore. He curled up into a ball and held his head, what was wrong with him? It would be so easy to solve the problem if he knew what was wrong. But discovering the solution to something unknown was impossible.

 

Reaching a hand to his face he noticed that tears had started to fall, since when did he cry? But now that he had started he found that he could not stop.

 

The gaping hole of the unknown hit him hard. He clutched at his chest to try and make the pain go away but it was to no avail.

 

How he wished somebody was there to comfort him, to dry his tears for him and tell him that everything to be alright, but nobody was coming, there was nobody to help him, not since...

 

‘Hangeng...’ he whispered.

 

At the memory of his best friend all the pain he felt became relevant. Now he knew why he felt this way, he missed him, he needed him back.

 

Despite now knowing what was wrong he could not stop the tears, in fact they flowed stronger than before, damaging his perfect face. His throat felt tight, causing his breaths to come out in short gasps.

 

His finger nails dug into his skin in some vain attempt to calm himself or at least to distract himself from the pain but yet the hurt raged on. Now that he knew the reason he wished he didn’t, he wanted to return to the darkness, at least there he didn’t have to recall the memories of Hangeng, of the times that they spent together, the times that were no more.

 

The sobs tore uncontrollably from his chest, as if they were going to make his friend return to him, but that was stupid. It was never going to happen. No matter how many times repeated his name again while he wept, he wasn’t going to come back.

 

 

~

The days that followed didn’t matter, he never left his room, he stayed in bed without saying a word to anyone. He didn’t bother eating, he only moved when it was completely necessary.

 

Nobody bothered him during this time, they all believed that he was ill and needed to rest. That is everyone but Leeteuk. He had heard him cry for his friend that night, it hurt him that Heechul was in pain, he felt as if he had failed at being the group’s leader, he wasn’t able to help Heechul, after all Hangeng wasn’t coming back.

 

After a week of this depression Leeteuk decided that this couldn’t go on any longer, Heechul had to get back to work with the rest of them, staying in bed this way wasn’t going to help him.

 

‘Hey, get up.’

 

Heechul felt somebody prod his side and speak to him, although he didn’t want to listen.

‘You have to get up, come on you’ve rested enough.’ Leeteuk added, pulling the covers away.

 

The diva sat up and looked at the group’s leader. ‘Fine.’ He replied bluntly before standing to go to the bathroom.

 

Although he was not satisfied he was glad that Heechul had started to move again. He went back to the main room and picked up his phone.

 

‘Hello? Yes it’s me, I was wondering if I can make an emergency appointment for Heechul? He really could do with a makeover right now.’ He said to their beautician. One of Heechuls favourite things was to be made up so hopefully this will cheer him up back to his usual self.

 

After being made to go to the stylist, Heechul emerged with a head of bleach blonde hair. Admittedly he did feel better inside, especially since now he had also been given make up and even some new clothes.

 

He walked past his reflection on his way to the studio to re-join the others, he defiantly looked great on the outside. And yet, there was still a nagging feeling on the inside that would not go away.

 

Time for a detour.

 

He climbed the stairs to TVXQ’s dorm room and knocked loudly on their door. A very surprised Yunho answered, it was odd for Heechul to appear and visit them like this, there had to be a reason, he narrowed his eyes.

 

‘Heechul?’

 

‘Yunho, I need those...things.’ He struggled to ask. ‘I know you have them so don’t pretend you don’t.’

 

A look of confusion swept across Yunho’s face as he looked at Heechul, then he noticed that sadness in his eyes and realised what it is what he wanted.

 

‘How do you know I still have them?’ He asked slowly.

 

‘I just know okay. Don’t mess me around, I need them.’ Heechul replied bitterly.

 

‘Hyung who’s at the door?!’ A higher voice called from inside the dorm.

 

‘It’s nobody!’ Yunho quickly assured his maknae before turning back to Heechul and handing him a small box. ‘Don’t tell anybody where you got them from.’ He said softly before shutting the door.

 

Heechul pocketed the box, satisfied. He knew that Yunho had become a smoker, when the group had split he had become so stressed he had turned to those things in order to stay calm and as Heechul knew, they would work for him too.

 

~

‘Welcome back!’ Super Junior cheered when Heechul walked through the door with a partially forced grin set upon his face. He was glad to see them all again.

 

After many warm hugs from his friends they began to practice their singing, they all sounded perfect together and they were a lot more enthusiastic that their group was all whole again.

 

During their break Heechul slipped out of the side door which sat next to an alleyway, he was sure that no other members would come here.

 

He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and put it to his mouth before lighting it.

 

A strange sensation swept through him as he inhaled, it didn’t taste particularly pleasant but it came with a familiar sense of calm, which he held onto.

 

Disappointingly it ran out quickly, but he didn’t feel relaxed yet, he pulled out another and lit up once again, letting the waves of contempt run over him.

 

 Now he didn’t need to think of Hangeng, he was happy right here not thinking of anything. Just thinking of this nice feeling inside of him and ignoring the horrid smoky smell.

 

Despite the fact he didn’t want to think of Hangeng the thought of him still invaded his mind. He started remembering the great times they shared together, or the not so great times.

 

He remembered how often they had sat in their dorm room on a Saturday night after schedules and drunk together, laughing like mad men.

 

 He felt so free back then; he was a lot happier with his best friend by his side.

 

He could also remember one time after a big concert they sat watching a late night film, so exhausted yet too happy to go to sleep. It was so peaceful, Heechul could almost hear the memory as clear as if it was yesterday.

 

‘Hey Hannie am I as gorgeous as that girl?’ He asked out of the blue, pointing at the films heroine on the screen.

 

He looked over at his friend, wondering why he had asked such a sudden question; he thought Heechul was certain about his appearance. Hangeng stared at him, forgetting to answer and offending his friend.

 

‘Yah, why aren’t you answering? Is my face really not more beautiful?’ Heechuls voice sounded irritated.

 

‘Chullie calm.’ He said quickly, not taking time to make sure his Korean was correct. ‘Of course it is.’ He added quickly kissing his friends cheek.

 

Heechul froze, the comeback he was going to use disappeared from his mind and he smiled, bowing his head letting his hair fall in front of his face.

 

Heechul smiled to himself as that memory faded into another.

 

‘Yah why are you taking so much stuff?’ He asked as Hangeng was packing for his visit to China.

 

‘Well I don’t need this winter clothes here so I’m taking them home’ He replied folding some more clothes and adding them to the pile in the suitcase.

 

The diva sat down in the suitcase. ‘Take me with you’ he joked. Although inside he was worried, what if he liked it so much at home he didn’t come back? He couldn’t bear the thought of being without him.

 

Although in the end he did leave.

 

‘Hyung?!’ The shocked voice of one of the group’s younger members brought Heechul back to reality.

 ‘Since when did you smoke?!’

 

Heechul glared at him, ‘Keep your voice down.’ He said sharply.

 

Wookie automatically shrunk back from his stare, scared to disobey his hyung. ‘I-I have to tell-‘

 

‘Don’t you dare tell Leeteuk about this.’

 

‘He already knows.’ A voice sounded behind them.

 

Now it was Heechuls turn to be scared, usually he wouldn’t be bothered about being told off, but Leeteuk looked furious.

 

He snatched the cigarette from his hands and threw it to the floor. ‘Ryeowook go back inside’ he ordered, struggling to keep his voice steady. Heechul focused his attention on the retreating Wookie, simply pretending that Leeteuk wasn’t standing there looking like he was about to kill him.

 

‘Why are you doing this?’ he asked, sounding disappointed. ‘Don’t you care about your health at all?! Do you know how much this will ruin you?! You are supposed to be recovering from being ill, not damaging your health more!’

 

‘Tell me why Heechul, why are you treating yourself this way?!’ Of course Leeteuk knew, he understood what was going through Heechuls mind and yet, he couldn’t believe that he would destroy himself in this way because of his heartbreak, surely there must be a better way to be happy again.

 

Heechul didn’t look up from the ground the whole time Teukie was shouting at him, he didn’t know how to answer his questions, he couldn’t tell him that he had become weak, that he couldn’t handle not seeing his best friend anymore.

 

‘Don’t you care about anything at all?!’ At this Heechuls head snapped up.

 

Leeteuks expression was careful, concerned about the threatening look in Heechuls eyes.

 

‘I don’t care?!’ He questioned with a hint of hysteria in his voice. ‘You have no idea how much I care!’ He screamed. Then he hit him.

 

Leeteuk stumbled back startled, holding the side of his face. Nobody, especially not Heechul had ever raised a hand against him before.

 

‘You have no idea!’ he repeated, going to hit his leader again. This time Leeteuk got to him first to defend himself, punching Heechul in the stomach.

 

Heechul no longer had any control over the emotions that had built up inside him, he was appalled at what he was doing but did not stop.

 

 The two fought aggressively, Heechul constantly having the upper hand, until the others came to break them up. Eunhyuk and Shindong wrestled Heechul away whilst Siwon and Yesung pulled Leeteuk to safety.

 

They were breathing heavily, staring at each other angrily. Both of them daring each other to make another move.

 

 Then without a word Heechul shoved the arms of his friends away and left them leaving very shocked Super Junior members behind him.

 

Back at the dorms Heechul was in the process of destroying the items in his room, how could he have been so careless to hurt Teukie like that? He was so ashamed yet too prideful to apologise.

 

He let out a shriek of frustration as he knocked the contents of his vanity to the floor, breaking several make-up pallets. Now that everything had been destroyed or broken he collapsed onto his bed and for the second time that week he cried, he really couldn’t stand this anymore, he had to see Hangeng again.

 

 

Several hours later, after Leeteuk had been asked many questions by the other members and had had his injuries taken care of, he headed back the dorms.

 

He carefully opened the door to Heechuls room, surprised at the mess that was on the floor, everything that was precious to him now littered the floor in pieces, photos, make up, even some of his beloved writing was now torn to shreds and added to the destruction.

 

But what concerned him the most was that it seemed like Heechul had cried himself to sleep, even now unconscious he looked unhappy.

 

He wasn’t going to punish him, it was clear that he needed help and Leeteuk was going to get him that help as soon as possible.

 

~

 

The following morning Heechul got woken by their manager, who knew the current situation according to Leeteuk.

 

He was about to tell them off for waking him up but when he realised who it was he couldn’t or he would get into trouble.

 

‘Heechul we are sending you on a break, we have seen how ill you have become so a rest is what you need in order to get better in time for your concert.’ He informed him. ‘Your flight leaves in a couple of hours, so make sure you are ready and packed for a few days. We will have a taxi waiting for you in an hour.’

 

To the half asleep Heechul this made no sense, but he went along with it, maybe he really did need a break. At least this way he won’t have to confront Leeteuk about yesterday.

 

He didn’t really wake up properly until he was on the plane, waiting for it to take off. Luckily he had a private flight, thanks to SM organising this for him, so he didn’t have to worry at being harassed by fans.

 

This gave him time to reflect on what had happened. He remembered when he left the dorms everyone was awake and saying goodbye to him cheerfully, what were they so happy about?

 

Probably happy to see me leave he thought to himself bitterly.

 

As the plane took off Heechul found himself drifting to sleep, still tired from the night before. Only when the over head speaker made an announcement did he wake up.

 

‘Please secure your seat belts as we will be arriving in Beijing soon.’

 

Beijing?! Why there of all places? There was bound to be picture upon picture of one of their number one idols everywhere. The thought of it brought a pain to his heart.  So close, yet so far.

 

After pulling on glasses and a hat as a precautionary disguise (not that he blended in well with his blonde hair) he picked up his belongings and left the plane, he had been told that someone would be waiting for him there to him to a hotel.

 

He looked around for anyone that may be holding a sign with his name on it, eventually he spotted someone. He was wearing a hat and sunglasses but even under that Heechul instantly recognised who it was.

 

His heart seemed to stop and then pick up again at double speed, he dropped his bags and tears began to fall. ‘Hangeng...Hangeng!’ he cried running to him and embracing him a hug, wrapping his arms around him securely, never wanting to let go.

 

He didn’t care that he was crying like a baby in front of Hangeng, he didn’t care that his usual cold attitude had vanished completely. Hangeng was here, he was here!

 

‘Hey Chullie’ Hangeng said softly, his Korean slightly accented due to his time away. He his back to try and comfort him. ‘It’s okay.’

 

Yes it is okay, it was better than okay, it was wonderful. 

 

~

It took a great deal of time for Heechul to calm down enough for Hangeng to get him home. They rode in the car together, Heechul clinging to his arm the whole time. He didn’t even let go when they climbed the stairs to his apartment, which made carrying the luggage quite difficult.

 

Hangeng opened the door and revealed a very large room, filled with expensive furniture. It was very bright and open, with large windows occupying one of the walls.

 

‘Wow.’ Heechul said softly, Hangeng had really done well for himself since leaving Super Junior.

 

In his amazement he hadn’t notice Hangeng leave the room with his luggage and return.

‘Hey Rella, go and freshen up’ He said throwing a towel in his direction which he caught while Heechul was glowing at hearing his old nickname. ‘Through there’ he smiled, gesturing towards an open door to the left.

 

Heechul wondered to the room he had pointed out and looked around. On the walls there were many old photos. Photos of him and Hangeng.

 

He sat down on the bed, holding onto the towel tightly and stared at the pictures. He felt as if he couldn’t move, he really couldn’t believe what had happened. He was here and China with Hangeng, in his apartment, where it seemed he hadn’t forgotten about him either.

 

He sat in this position for a long time before Hangeng came into the room to see how he was doing. He was surprised to find him sitting on the bed with a pained expression.

 

‘Chullie?’ He said softly going over and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. ‘Chullie what’s wrong?’

 

Once again he began to cry. ‘I just can’t believe it...I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much. Please don’t ever leave me again.’ He lifted his head to look at his friend, who now had tears gathering in his own eyes.

 

‘I’m sorry.’ He wrapped his other arm around Heechul’s middle and hugged him tightly.

 

Heechul too moved to hug his friend. They sat like that for a while in complete silence, although they were comfortable. Eventually Heechul had gotten tired of sitting up and laid back on the bed, pulling Hangeng down with him, causing him to laugh.

 

‘Hey Hannie do you remember that time where we stayed up really late drinking and then forgot to go to the press conference the next day?’

 

‘Of course I do, Leeteuk hyung was furious at us, but we couldn’t explain ourselves well because we had become over hung.’ 

 

‘Hung over, not over hung you idiot.’ Heechul corrected and they both laughed.

 

For hours they stayed there, talking about old times together and laughing. Heechul felt so happy, it was like he had never left, like they had always been together, just like before.

 

As time passed they grew more and more drowsy, their stories turning into small whispers before they slowly fell asleep in each other’s arms.