♫ Life

"In this world, let me love only you"

I stop running and catch my breath. Closing my eyes, I can feel the cold breeze on the air. The snow is falling but I don't even bother to wear anything to warm me except a black jacket and a white hat.

It's almost midnight and this year will end soon.

Forcing myself to run again, I turn off my phone despite knowing there are so many missed calls, worrying about me. I run and run, praying that I can make it in time.

Dear God, please let me see him this one time.

"When this passing life withers away, you come to me

The moment you touch my frozen heart, my life begins"

One year ago, exactly on my birthday which always fell on New Year's Eve, I received the most heartbreaking news. I still remember exactly how my mother broke into tears and I couldn't say a word.

I didn't cry simply because I didn't want to believe what the doctor just said.

For twenty years, I didn't even care about what I should do after graduation. I just let everything went on and on. Everything could be under my control if I wanted to.

I still had time, I thought to myself.

It's also on that day I found the most beautiful voice I ever heard in my life. A friend of mine left her iPod and I didn't even care to listen properly to the songs. I just let it played randomly.

The song echoed and, for the first time that day after the bad news was told, I moved with all my will just to look after the artist name.

Yang Yoseob.

His voice reached to my heart and, finally, I cried.

"I won't cry

I won't cry again"

Yang Yoseob was a new idol. He won the hearts of his fans because of his cute appearance and angelic voice. He's not as handsome as other idols. He's just a simple idol who shone with his voice.

For the first time in my life, I wrote a letter. A fan letter. Putting it inside a gray envelope, I sent it to him under my initial instead of my full name.

Sometimes I drew whatever I could there. Sometimes I would write a really long letter, telling him that I watched his performance through television. Sometimes I just wrote 'hwaiting'.

I did it everyday. Every single day. Even when I knew that perhaps he never read any of them.

There were times I thought I wanted to write what I was feeling between the time and cried my heart out.

But I promised myself not to cry anymore when I heard his interview on radio six months after his debut.

"Do you have any special moment with fans, Yoseob-ssi?"

"Special moment? Ah, there are so many but there is this one fan. She always writes a letter for me everyday. I'm waiting for one again today."

"Everyday? Really?"

"Every single day. I don't know her name and there's no address but... SR, are you listening to this too?"

"The pain you experience everyday

Let me bear it"

Four months ago, it's confirmed that there's nothing I could do. I couldn't walk down the aisle to meet my partner in life. I couldn't be a mother. I couldn't see my grandchildren running around.

It's finale.

All I had now was time yet it's also the only thing I wanted to save.

That night I didn't sleep. I watched every recording I had about Yoseob. From his pre-debut until his last live performance yesterday. I listened through his story, the hard moments, the happy memories.

He also did the best he could by each day passed. I didn't understand his pain through so many things but I was going to live with the spirit like what he had.

I should be.

"When you're tired and having a hard time, please let me stay by your side

So I can give back to you the love I had only received before this life ends"

Some people called anti-fans flooded Yoseob's mini homepage with harsh words and comments. It happened after he won his very first award on October, winning after another idol who apparently had so many fans.

They said he's ugly. They said he's not even a good artist. They said he didn't fit in idol world. They said he's just lucky. They said Yoseob was just nothing.

My heart ached when I found out about it. He closed his mini homepage, cutting off the way for his fans to shower him with supporting messages.

He's doing it so his fans would not be hurt. Like me.

Yoseob loved his fans too much that he would bear all the hurting words but he won't let the words hurt his fans.

With that kind of love, I was saved.

I wanted to return the love he always gave sincerely.

"Absolutely nothing can stop me

But only one person

You make me, you complete me

You make me able to breathe like this"

My parents helped me with the letters, sending them without telling our address. Never once I told Yoseob about my condition. What would he say if he knew that I was stuck in hospital everyday?

To be honest I thought I would go crazy that New Year's Eve. How could a doctor tell me that I only had one year to live on my birthday? How could he tell me that leukemia was eating me inside?

I wanted to blame the world. I wanted to scream about how unfair my life was. I wanted to end everything right away. I meant, why would I live if I knew nothing would last in one year?

Until I heard his voice. He gave me the strength to live on when he didn't even know it.

I wanted to listen his voice even more. I wanted to see him more often. I wanted to do something I never did before.

To give support to someone with all my heart.

Yoseob is the person.

For this once, I wanted to leave a good memory.

"All I want is you

Only one is you

In my life"

Yoseob deleted his Twitter account after his last tweet.

"It's okay to hurt me but, please don't hurt the others."

Rumors said that the anti fans went out of the line with bullying his fans during the joint concert last month. He deleted the account so there would be no worse fight.

I swore I felt like crying when I knew about it. I couldn't go to his concert as much as I wanted to. I didn't know how to support him but sending another writing to him.

"Dear Yoseob Oppa,

We, the fans, will be alright if you are alright.

Thank you for protecting us.

Thank you for giving us your love.

SR, fan of one and only Yang Yoseob"

"When I lose my way inside the dark forest

When my young soul is crying

Guide me like a light, like a miracle before this life ends"

I woke up last night, having a dream that I was surrounded by white. The moment I opened my eyes I just knew that my time is near. Perhaps even closer than I could think.

Asking the very last help from my friend to prepare what I really needed on New Year's Eve, I only could smile when she cried and asked me to stay for just a little bit longer lifetime.

I couldn't and I won't.

So I ran away from the hospital, heading to the venue where the idols gather for Special Year End Music Festival. Yoseob is also there to perform.

I almost lose way my way in the crowd but, as if he knows that I need a guidance, Yoseob's voice greets the audience and I look up to the stage to see him. I quickly make my way as close as I can to the stage.

Using my handkerchief to press my nose because it's starting to bleed again whenever my condition becomes worse, I clench my fists and watch Yoseob's live performance right before my eyes for the very first time.

My strength starts to disappear but I stay still until he finishes his performance. He waves to the crowd and I scream out loud, "Yoseob Oppa, thank you!"

I don't know if it's just my illusion, but he stops for a split of second and flashes me a quick smile, as if he knows that I say something to him between the loud fanchants.

I leave the venue, letting myself to rest at the nearby bus stop. I give a call to my mother, who is worried sick and demands me to tell where I am.

"Eomma, thank you for everything. Tell Appa, I love him..," I smile to no one, feeling the snow on my palm. "You don't need to worry about me now. I lived my life to the fullest this year so I'll be fine now..."

She starts to cry but I continue, "The letter on my bed... Please send it tomorrow like usual. Saranghaeyo, Eomma."

I end the phone call and use my last strength to type a text message to my best friend that I'll be at the nearest bus stop to the concert venue.

I close my eyes and, strangely, I can imagine Yoseob smiling at me.

"I made it before this life ends."

"When I get on my knees and cry before the world

When my feet stop my tracks inside the storm

If you alone are standing

I can handle this much pain and suffering

I can suppress whatever pain and tears"

"Dear Yoseob Oppa,

this is my last letter. Thank you for always reading my letters. You don't know how much it means to me when you said you read every each of them on the radio interview.

In this life, I never felt so warm in heart before I heard your voice. You saved me. Literally. I never thought someone who I barely knew would be the one who saved me.

I'm not the best fan. I never go to your live performances. I never wait in the queue for your fansigning event. I never do anything but send you letters and letters.

But, one thing for sure, I'm thankful.

All those anti-fans. All those harsh words. All those hateful comments.

Please be strong because I know you're even stronger than they think you are. Because you can even give me spirit to live on for this one year.

Even if you're standing alone, even if the world turns its back against you, even if the storm comes, remember that there's always someone who supports you eternally.

Until the very end, I just want to say thanks to you.

Because, even though you don't know, you're always with me.

Because of you, this life doesn't end just like that.

Thank you for giving us your love.

SR, fan of one and only Yang Yoseob"

"If only you are with me

In my life"

* * * * *

This story is based on "Life" by SHINee

It's the very first time I wrote something because of me getting too emotional. Hoping that this simple love can always be with Yoseob, my one and ultimate bias, for now and forever. ♥