♫ Where Are You
Read: Music
"Come back"
Sunggyu and Kyuin. Best friends. Inseparable. Destined to be together. Forever.
Could we just return to those days?
"I have made you cry againTears are falling from your beautiful eyes"
Third year anniversary.
And I couldn't be there, for our arranged special date. It's almost midnight when we have a fight. Again.
"Why didn't you just call me?" Kyuin raises her tone, unable to keep calm even when she just opens the door of her apartment for me. "At least you could tell me to return and wait you here instead of waiting like an idiot there!"
There she goes. The high pitch scream that makes my head spins around. She always acts like this whenever I make a mistake.
"I said I'm sorry," I sigh heavily, not feeling to continue the fight. I'm really tired after the sudden meeting with my supervisor and I just want to sleep. Can't she understand? "Look, let's just talk tomorrow."
Kyuin drops her jaw in disbelief and retorts with disappointment, "Tomorrow. You always say that. Kim Sunggyu, if you're tired of me being like this, then we should just stop."
There. Her favorite words. I'm getting used to it now. It's not the first time she gives me such a threat anyway.
"Whatever," I answer lazily. My head is aching and I ignore her, knowing that everything will be just fine tomorrow if I apologize to her.
"Fine," she replies with tears streaming down on her cheeks. She whispers the words before slamming the door. "So be it then."
Or so I think.
"We’re breaking up againYour beautiful face is slowly getting further away"
Another break up.
But this time it's different. And, unfortunately, it's too late for me to realize it.
First day after our third year anniversary, I call Kyuin but she doesn't show any sign of forgiveness so I don't really bother with it.
One day. Two days. Three days. After one week, I think I really need to talk with her but, apparently, she has getting further from me. Literally.
"I'm going to Los Angeles," that's what she says when I ask her whether if she has forgiven me or not. "Does it matter now, Sunggyu Oppa? Don't you feel better now that we're not together anymore?"
I am lost with words. Do I feel better now?
"I’m thinking it’s for the bestThis frustrating love is now over"
Maybe Kyuin is right.
Maybe we're better separated. Maybe our closeness just gave us a wrong idea of having a romantic relationship instead of an ultimate friendship.
Being friends since high school where everyone else envied our close friendship. Being there for each other through whatever and whenever. Being the first to congratulate you, to wish you happy birthdays, and to be with you on important days.
That's who Kyuin was for me. And so was I.
On the day of our graduation day, after receiving encouragement from my friends, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she accepted me.
Nothing could separate us, they said. We're perfect for each other. We understood each other perfectly.
But perhaps we complete each other as best friends. Not couple.
We kept getting into fights, from ridiculous to big ones. I was too stubborn and she was too childish. I don't even know how we could survive the last three years.
Maybe she is right. This complicated relationship is finally over.
"Even if I vowed to never think about you againWhy am I looking at your picture today?"
Four months.
I make myself busy with works and else. We don't keep in touch anymore, knowing that we need space for ourselves.
It's funny how I find myself looking at a picture which I put in a frame whenever I'm going to sleep. It's a picture of us on our first year anniversary, standing side by side with bright smiles.
Do I miss Kyuin?
Of course I miss her. She was my best friend. Maybe I just miss being with her. That's all.
That must be it. What else?
"I said I’ll be okayThat I will never fall in love again"
Seven months.
Things feel wrong. Everything feels wrong.
I got promotion at work. I bought a new house for my parents. I could go for holiday with my friends. But something is still missing. And I know what it is.
Kyuin.
Ever since we broke up, I didn't have any intention of falling in love again. Why should I love if I would be tired with all the fights and tears?
I'd better be alone. But then why do I feel lonely with all this fortunes?
"Even if I vowed to be okay living without youWhy am I thinking about only you today?"
Ten months.
It feels like I'm going crazy. It's like I will go insane if I keep seeing Kyuin when she's not. What's wrong with me?
I keep thinking about her whenever I go to bed. Her face crosses my mind when I open my eyes at the morning. I wonder if she is doing alright today. I want to hear her voice.
I swear to God I miss her that it feels like I'm going to die.
Regret hits me without mercy. I should never stop caring about her. I should never ignore her. I should never pretend that I didn't love her anymore.
Because I still do.
"Your tears and your deep sighWhen you began to let me goIf you can come to meI would never let you go again"
Wedding invitation.
After trying endlessly to find a way so I could contact Kyuin through web camera, that's what I got. She will be married in two months and she will send the invitation for me in a week.
"You know," she chuckles and I bet she has no idea how much I miss her sweet and cute laugh. "I was actually thinking to call you. What a coincidence, eh?"
It's not. Doesn't she feel that we're soulmates, two person who are destined to be one, so we could understand what another wants?
"I miss you," she speaks up what I want to say with a smile on her face. A happy smile. "I really, really miss you, Sunggyu Oppa. That's why I really want you to come here, on my wedding party, as my best friend."
My heart breaks into pieces. Best friend. That's what I am left for her now. And who am I to complaint now?
A man's voice calls her from outside and Kyuin finally excuses herself, repeating that she will send the wedding invitation as soon as possible to my house.
"Come back," I whisper to the blank screen now, holding back the urge to cry my heart out. "I will never let you go again, Kyuin... I promise..."
But then the promise means nothing now.
"Your expressions and your beautiful smileThat made me smile at timesYour mistakes and your voiceTo me, they’re so vivid"
White suit.
Even though I'm wearing white suit, my favorite color ever, it doesn't make me feel happy.
Perhaps because I know the woman I'm waiting right now will never stand next to me as my bride anymore. She's going to be someone else's wife in the matter of hours.
I don't want to come but, at least for today, I want to see her smile when she looks at me, attending her wedding party.
"Oh, Sunggyu!" Kyuin's older sister opens the door and greets me cheerfully when I rest my back against the wall. "Come inside! You have the chance to meet the bride first before the groom! Come in! She's waiting for you!"
Kyuin looks like a goddess with the white gown. She looks amazingly beautiful but, still, how I wish she wears it for me. It's alright if I'm not the first to see her in the bride gown as long as it's me who becomes her groom.
"Oppa!" her lips turn into a perfect curve and I really want to hug her when she trips slightly because of the high heels. "Ah, I'm still not really good with these shoes!"
Her smile. Her clumsy mistake. Her voice. Her everything.
I still love Kyuin.
"WhyWhen you were trying to fit in with meWhen you couldn’t look forward to yourselfWhen you were in so much pain because of my selfishnessWhy didn’t I know?"
Diary.
"Here," Kyuin's sister hands a diary book to me after I leave the preparation room so Kyuin can get ready.
I don't want to leave but I should. How could I ruin one of her most important days in life?
"She hesitated to give it to you or not so I decided that I should give it to you," she gives me a playful wink. "If she could let it go, I think she could move on from the past so..."
"Gyu, whatever you read inside of it, never forget that you two are still best friends," she pats my shoulder and smiles to comfort me. "I need to go now. I'll see you at the party."
It doesn't take me long to finish reading the thick book. Kyuin didn't write it everyday but I can always find my name on every page of the diary.
"Sunggyu Oppa is trying really hard to show his skill in work! I will do my best too! I know I'm still lacking but I want to make him proud!"
"I almost blew up my kitchen again when I prepared dinner for Sunggyu Oppa. Ah, what should I do? How could I be a good wife for him in the future?"
"Why should I blame him for coming late? I'm so sorry, Sunggyu Oppa. I'm so sorry. If only he knows that I'm really worried about him. He looked pale the last time we met and I don't want him to fall sick."
"He said whatever. He must be tired of me now. It hurts me to see him not alright but it hurts me more to see him ignoring me. Should we just end it for once and all?"
"Sunggyu Oppa. I'm leaving. Why don't you ask me to stay?"
"Sunggyu Oppa. Are you doing fine there? I am doing great here! I hope you'll be better without me."
"I met someone here. Somehow he reminds me of you in a good way, Sunggyu Oppa. Perhaps he is my destiny?"
"When we meet again, I'll introduce you to him! I know you will get along with him, Sunggyu Oppa! Wait till my heart is ready to see you."
"I'm alright now. Sunggyu Oppa, never forget, we're friends forever. No matter what."
At the last page of the diary, I find a picture of us which I also put in a frame. Under the picture, Kyuin wrote the words that make my tears to escape my eyes.
"Why?" I clench my fists tight, digging skin with my nails. "Why didn't you tell me earlier, Kyuin? Why didn't I notice it?"
I squat down and cry as if it's the last day I live, feeling that those words have pierce my heart.
"Sunggyu & Kyuin. Friends forever.
I love you."
"Your grumbling and your bad habitsThat made me cry at timesYour rude tone and past mistakesI can now understand them"
Kyuin.
It's one name I always treasure. It's the only person I ever love with my heart truly. It's her who I want to be with but I can't.
And now there she is, standing in her bride gown with another man, because I can't protect her heart, because I can't cherish her, because I was careless.
My eyes are swollen but I don't care. I just lock my eyes on the bride and now it's her turn to give her speech.
"Thank you for coming," she gives her best smile to all of us. "Today is a really, really big day for me. It's a day I can be together as one with a man I love. It's a day I can gather together with all of you."
I was thinking to leave since I couldn't bear the pain of listening more but I stop when I hear her next words, "...and the day I can finally meet with someone important for me again."
And that's when I finally realize something.
28 May. Her wedding date today.
28 May. The day I confessed to her.
"I want to thank Kim Sunggyu for coming today," Kyuin calls out my name, not wiping her beautiful smile away. "My best friend. Now and forever."
I want to leave but I don't. While the audiences clap for me, I put my best fake smile and bow slightly to Kyuin and the groom.
There is no more Kyuin who is destined to be together with me.
Kyuin who is inseparable from me.
Kyuin who will be forever with me.
Kyuin.
"Where are you?"
* * * * *
This story is based on "Where Are You" (넌 어디에) by Taeil from Block B.
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