"Just for today, I cry
Be happy forever, good bye"

Smile.

For me, it's easier to smile and pretend that everything is alright.

You see, most people think that I am the kind of person who always sees things in good lights. Even when there's a problem, I always try to think about the positive side.

However, just for today, it's okay for me to cry, right?

"It's okay," Sunggyu hugs me tight. "Just cry."

"Tears are blocking my sight again
In case I see you
It has already gotten late without me knowing
Again today, I only waited for you"

As the only daughter in my family, I grew up with believing that I should do better than what my parents expected me to be.

My older brother won the attention of my whole family as the first grandson. I lived my childhood with trying to be a child that they would be proud of. Even though I'm a girl, I want to make my family proud of me as well.

"Oh, third rank in class!" my grandfather pat my head with a wide smile, looking at my elementary school report. "My granddaughter is so smart!"

My face beamed upon the compliment. He's my grandfather from my mother's side. I never met my grandparents from my father's side because they had deceased even before I was born.

"Good girl," he picked me up, giving me a gentle look. "Of course, you're my granddaughter."

"I call out to you like a fool
Someday, you'll see me too"

I live with my parents and my three siblings.

We meet with the others from our families on yearly occassion. I am not the type who likes the crowd so I don't really look after the whole big family meetup.

Strange, isn't it?

Yet I like it the most when I spend my holiday with my parents, siblings, and grandparents. I remember we once went to the zoo and took a picture together.

Come to think of it, maybe it's the only complete family picture we have.

"Grandpa?" I looked at him before the cameraman prepared to take our picture. He looked down at me, smiling when I said I wanted to sit on the giraffe statue behind him.

He put me on the statue, laughing as I also smiled back at him, happy to ride the statue of giraffe.

Ah, how many years have passed since that happy day?

"I wait for a long time while tears well up
Like this, another day passes"

School, college, work. Life was busy and kept being busier as time passed by. Less family meetup, less family holiday, less family pictures.

Just like this, day by day passed. Now working as an adult, I still keep it in my mind that I should do better than what people expect me to be. I try to support my family as best as I can.

Sometimes I met my grandparents but we didn't talk much. I mean, what would we talk about, I thought to myself. We're not in the same generation anymore.

It's okay, I told myself once, we would always meet each other again on some other occassions.

Do you know that family who rarely meet often gather together for a wedding party?

Ironically, a funeral is also one of the most possible events where family finally gather.

If it's not unfortunate enough to hear, it's even more heartbreaking when a funeral can't lead people to mourn together.

"It's okay if you think of me and smile sometimes"

He's sick.

My grandfather was not young anymore. He used to ride motorcycles everywhere. I remember he often visited our house to bring our favorite foods. He bought it so often even though he ended up asking us for little money later.

I was never bothered by it. I mean, he bought it for us and no one else.

"My granddaughter," he called me again when I was going to leave the house, ready to hang out with my friends. "Can you lend me some money? I want to fill up the gas so..."

"Sure," I answered right away and took out the money from my wallet. "Is this enough?"

As usual, he would smile and thank me, "Thank you. Do you want to eat your favorite food later?"

"If you go on with your life as nothing happened
You might forget me
Even if you remember me sometimes
I'll be fine so don't worry"

Things took out different paths than what we wanted to be.

My grandparents finally lived together with me, in the same house. It's supposed to be a wonderful occassion to celebrate, but it's far from that. My grandmother helped our family with some light chores and all.

However my grandfather had slowly lost his senses. It's not so obvious at first; he was just like a little kid who asked for food and too lazy to move around.

My house was less crowded than before. I often leave my hometown to work for a field trip. My older brother works overseas and so does my father. Therefore I just contacted them by phone and listened to their stories.

"He barely moves lately but he likes to mess up our stuffs secretly!" my youngest brother complained. I just laughed it off. "Ah, it's so frustrating. Mom is also angry because he refuses to go to take a bath!"

I calmed him down, telling him that it would be fine.

Sometimes when I was at home, I would ask if my grandfather needed anything. He usually asked for water or snack. Then when I asked if he needed anything else, he would say, "It's fine. Thank you."

It should be fine, I thought.

Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months.

Everytime I returned home after weeks leaving, he'd be there on his bed.

But no more greeting from him.

And no more smile.

"When I miss you so much that it's hard
Be the wind and blow over to me
Sometimes, call my name from the hill over there
Then run to me and hold me tight"

"He's gone."

My mother delivered that short message and it hit me so hard that my grandfather had took his last breath this morning.

I thought I wouldn't cry.

Why? Because I rarely stay at home to spend times with him.

Why? Because I should have expected it, with his age and condition and all.

But I cried so hard.

Why? Because I would return home tomorrow noon. I bought an extra cake because it's my grandfather's favorite.

Why? Because I couldn't be there. My father and older brother are still out of the country. There's only my mother, grandmother, and two little brothers there. Isn't it so lonely? To know that we aren't there to send him off.

I realized I had not been a very good granddaughter. He might not be a perfect figure for me, but when I said I wanted to be a better person for everyone, did I include him?

His smile when I smiled back at him when I was little.

He greeted me with my favorite food in hand, promised me for another one the next day.

He thanked me when I just simply handed a bottle of water because he couldn't move from the bed.

It's all gone.

They're all gone.

And I didn't even manage to say 'thank you' to him.

Would he hear my cry now?

Sunggyu sat next to me in, looking at me with sad gaze.

"Remember his smile. He would smile at you like how he always did. And said that he's fine."

"And he'd say 'thank you'."

"I'm fine, thank you
Thank you"