@AechAech - first of all, thank you for subscribing, and your comments on my story. I didn't expect anyone to have analysed my story in such a way, so I appreciate your efforts for giving me such criticism.

"This writer shall not be deemed as a noob."

Well, I'm glad. Thank you, and I hope you enjoyed the story.

noob

This piece of writing is intricate and thoughtful. Writer Fantasticbabyx (babyx), started the piece of writing with a calm, nonchalant, and even, to some extent, an indifferent tone, gradually intensifying it, to the melodramatic, tempestuous and impassionate kiss, constructing a very real, and human experience.

Babyx starts the piece with “Your phone vibrated on your bed”, a very common and casual event, of which readers can relate to with ease. Furthermore, the protagonist merely “smiled” at the message, which depicts a phlegmatic emotional response, creating a calm tone of voice. Writer Babyx brilliantly utilized this tone, to also create suspense and tension, as something important, grand and significant is hinted. The depiction of the protagonist’s act of choosing the correct outfit, with a hyperbole, of how the protagonist “looked at (the) closet for the millionth time”, together with detailed description of the preparation process, lures the readers into questioning, what really is happening at the “Hong Kong Music Bank 2012 - Asia World Expo.”

As the passage continues, the writer reveals slowly and strategically that it is in fact some sort of music concert, as seen when there are “huge crowds of fans holding glow sticks”, but the writer maintains the calm and steady tonality, almost too calm, suggesting, maybe, just maybe there is something more than the concert that caused the protagonist to dress up in such a pedantic manner. This is seen in the use of juxtaposition by Babyx in the contrasting reactions between the protagonist and a “fan girl” to the sight of “Mblaq”, a name that could be interpreted as the name of a band or singer of the concert. The “fan girl” reacted enthusiastically to “Mblaq” by saying “OH MY GOD IT’S THEM!! ISN’T THAT MBLAQ HOLY ____ LOOK!!”. The writer’s choice of using capital letters for the phrase, together with the uses of exclamation marks suggests an auditory imagery of the loud voice in which it is said, together with the use of the ion “Oh my god” and the expletive “Holy ____”, further exemplifies the excitement. However, The protagonist only “smiled, looking up as well… then decided to buy something to eat as your dinner and rested”, suggesting indifference, of which is amplified greatly by the contrast with the enthusiasm of the fan girl’s reaction.

This apparently composed and unruffled mood of the protagonist is further exemplified by the direct, unemotional and overly factual descriptions of the events happening at the concert, almost as if, to an extent, numbed and unresponsive, lingering in the thought of something more important. This is seen when the lists the things happening, as if reading off a schedule, for example, the writer writes “MBLAQ did a great opening performance with ‘It's War’, ‘Y’, ‘Mona Lisa’ and ‘Oh Yeah’… The f(x) girls followed after and sang ‘Nu ABO’, ‘Danger’, ‘Hot Summer’ and their newest song, ‘Electric Shock’.” The protagonist only adds occasional comments about the concert, such as “they are so handsome in real life” and “he has so much aegyo for his fans, as usual”. Yet, they are kept unemotional, as seen through the writer’s use of short sentence structure and simple syntax, to almost mimic a frigid and monotonic voice.

Suddenly, the suspense escaladed, as the writer writes, “Then, you saw him turning to your direction. Thinking he might have recognized you from afar, you saw him throwing a heart to your direction, and the fans around were screaming like crazy.” The writers choice of using third person singular pronoun “him”, maintains the enigma, making readers beg to know, who is he? What relationship do they have? And why would a pop-star recognize the protagonist? This suspense is further established when later the protagonist “smirked” and thought, “maybe he didn’t recognize you after all”, hinting a disappointment, for the first time, showing an emotional response in this event.

The previous unsentimental, recital like listing of events occurring then continued, as if that “him” is forgotten, almost convincing readers that he is unimportant. However, like numerous other successful pieces of literature, written by the likes of Shakespeare, Wilde or Hemmingway, when the protagonist is about to give in to failure, to give up, when “the lights , and (the protagonist) decided to leave”, there is a turn of events. “A middle aged man approached… tapping on (the protagonist’s) shoulder.” And said "Miss, there's someone who wants to meet you. This way please." All of a sudden, the suspense proliferated to even greater heights. Then the protagonist said, “Hey, I’ve missed you”, slowly revealing the relationship. However, still, the writer uses the direct, factual and descriptive style of narration, holding up the suspense, and suggesting a caution or even shyness in the protagonist’s words. Subsequently, a dialogue follows, juxtaposing the previous unemotional recital-like listing in the concert, implying the protagonist’s awareness and mental presence in her present surrounding. The relationship with the previous “him” is now becoming obvious, as the writer writes “He intertwined his fingers with you and kissed your hand,” a visual and tactile imagery that portrays actions of a pair of lovers. The tone and thus mood of the passage intensifies as the male counterpart’s actions become more intimate.

This is evident as after he revealed the present, the protagonist “blushed”, showing a teenage shyness, an over-spilling elation that is so difficultly contained. He then said poetically, "It fits perfectly. This represents my love for you – to infinity and beyond. I've missed you so much." The emotion is now powerful, as the protagonist replies “on the verge of tears… You have no idea how happy I am to see you”. At the point when the emotions of the protagonist, the passion of love seems to be at it’s peak, writer Babyx pushes the boundaries with the phrase “He used his thumbs to wipe your tears away, and kissed your lips.” The passionate love portrayed by the tender care of the tactile imagery of a lover wiping tears off your face, and the intimacy and electrifying sensation of the soft contact between your lover and your lips, at this point of the passage, brings out the drunk joyousness of the feeling of being in loved, making it almost contagious to readers. Then the writer continued with “I love you” and “I love you too”, confirming that feeling of love in reader’s heart, explicitly depicting something for the first time in this passage.

This represents my love for you – to infinity and beyond. I've missed you so much." The emotion is now powerful, as the protagonist replies “on the verge of tears… You have no idea how happy I am to see you”. At the point when the emotions of the protagonist, the passion of love seems to be at it’s peak, writer Babyx pushes the boundaries with the phrase “He used his thumbs to wipe your tears away, and kissed your lips.” The passionate love portrayed by the tender care of the tactile imagery of a lover wiping tears off your face, and the intimacy and electrifying sensation of the soft contact between your lover and your lips, at this point of the passage, brings out the drunk joyousness of the feeling of being in loved, making it almost contagious to readers. Then the writer continued with “I love you” and “I love you too”, confirming that feeling of love in reader’s heart, explicitly depicting something for the first time in this passage.

Of course, this passage is compelling, forceful. From what it may seem to be an unemotional piece at the initial phase of the writing, it became clear that it was a thoughtful technique used by the writer to create the explosion of emotions towards the end of the passage. Together with the use of second person narrative, the writer’s use of the straightforward, and factual narrative technique made this fictional piece realistic, engaging readers, allowing readers to relate to their own experiences, feeling, at that very moment of the kiss, the ecstasy of being in love. This writer shall not be deemed as a noob.

nooooob