Chapter 3

Those words made her heart ached so badly. Tears fell down silently from her eyes without her mum noticing it. Small hands gripped her blanket tightly with anger and sorrow.

…Life had been so unfair to me all along. She though bitterly. What have I done wrong?...

“I’m so sorry, Jaejoong Oppa…” The frail girl whispered quietly to someone that she knew fully would never hear it. Those thoughts made her cried even harder.

“I’ll never be able to see you anymore…I’ll never be able to tell you things I’ve been hiding inside that nobody understands…except you and me.”

…All I wish to be is a happy and healthy girl…

…But I guess I’m asking for too much…

g----------------------g

Days passed by at a never ending speed, like swimming in the vast ocean and the shore was nowhere to be seen. Although you’re so exhausted and wish to quit, it is impossible to do so.

Nan’s life went into a boring everyday routine that consisted of only three things; eating meals, checkups and sleep. She had to take dozens of medicine after every meal and she was too weak to walk around on her own. Gloomy morning passed, followed by the boring afternoon that came and went, then ended lonely night. It was like that every day but Nan’s condition never improved no matter how much she tried.

All day she would gaze out of the window that faced the entrance of the hospital, watching happy faces of people walking out and sad expressions of people walking in. Sometimes those joyful faces would make her turn away bitterly, tears dropping down when her heart ached with sorrow.

Time had ticked away cruelly until it reached the day of the concert. But the girl…was still in the hospital, barely able to do anything on her own. She told Mook and Ploy since December that if at last she wasn’t able to make it, they still should go. The two friends hesitated at first but finally agreed when Nan pleaded for them to go for her.

And that situation that everyone prayed would never happen eventually occurred. Nan went especially quiet that day but not even one drop of tears was to be seen. She didn’t feel like crying. It was just that her body when numb and emotionless but ached so much deep inside. It was like her world had fallen down and filled with disappointment.

She was about to give up everything.

In the afternoon before the concert began, Mook and Ploy came by because they were worried about their best friend. Nan looked at the two friends surprisingly, then smiling a little at the sight. They were in identical red and black, the color of ‘Cassiopeia’, T-Shirts, especially designed by Mook for this concert. Actually Nan also had one lying deep in her wardrobe at home but now she guessed she wouldn’t have a chance to wear it again.

Ploy also had a glowing light stick tied to a string around her neck and a big banner saying her favorite member’s name in Korean on it. On the other hand, Mook was equipped with ‘Cassiopeia’s’ red balloon and a glowing head band. All of the items were very common for fan clubs to have and Nan always dreamed that she would be standing in front of the concert hall, having everything item in hand. But all of that was washed away with her cruel fate.

“Are you still sure that we should go without you?” Mook asked with a worried face. She held Nan’s hand tight, feeling so guilty.

“Please go…for me.” The frail girl nodded back and whisper in her dry whisper. “It’s better than none of us go, trust me.”

“But it’s always your dream…our dream…” Ploy shook her head, tears at the brim of her eyes.

“I guess I’m just unlucky.” Nan smiled bitterly and shrugged. “Why are you making yourselves sad too? Be happy! It’s what you have always been waiting for.”

“And it’s what YOU have been waiting for too!”Mook frown.

“I said it’s okay~! Don’t worry!” Nan frowned back at her stubborn friends, feeling thankful for their kindness deep inside. “If you want to do something then…just keep a look at Jaejoong Oppa for me….That’s enough.”

“Of course! No problem!” Ploy replied with a more cheerful voice. “We promise to tell you about every moment of the concert. You can rely on us!”

The thin girl laughed softly at those words.

“Thank you so much.” She grinned. “But you better go now. I won’t be so much fun having to battle with sixty-thousand fan clubs when it gets late.”

“Oh yeah, I really hate it when it get horribly crowded.” Mook rolled her eyes and wrinkled her nose.

“Well, then.” Ploy rose from her chair. “…See you later, Nan. I feel terribly sorry for you, still.”

“Just have fun, that’s all I want you to do.” Nan insisted. “Oh! And buy me some souvenirs from in front of the concert hall!”

They all laughed before Mook and Ploy waved and hugged Nan goodbye. They left with a sad smile, leaving Nan feeling blue again.

…Yeah…I’m just unlucky…She sulked.Actually I should get used to it. I’m ALWAYS unlucky…

g----------------------g

Everything seemed to never get better when somehow Nan got sepsis. Not long after that she was also got Pneumonia, increasing everyone’s worries to their peek. She was moved from the normal hospital room to the CCU where she was carefully watched at all times. Nan slept most of the day and rarely spoke because all the pain was too much to bear. Both physically and mentally she ached all over, sometimes her heartbeat rate would become so low, making all the doctors panicked. Her conditions worsened at a terrifying speed. Maybe it was because of the concert she couldn’t attend weeks ago. All the disappointment made her lost faith in what she was holding on to. Her world suddenly turned dark and grey. She felt like if death was the only way out of all these pain and sorrow, she was willing to give up her life with regretting it.

Nan’s mother was both worried and frail than ever. She watched her daughter day and night, trying to figure out a way to help Nan when only medicine didn’t seem to work. She prayed and prayed but the girl never got any better and she started to lose hope.

Then one day a thought came to her mind. Mook and Ploy didn’t come to visit Nan for a long time already because they had their final exam s coming up. But now that it was middle of March and the school was over already (School in Thailand starts at the end of May and finishes early March because it’s summer between March till June), she decided to call them over to cheer Nan up.

  The last time Mook and Ploy saw Nan was after the concert early February. They didn’t know at all that their friend’s condition dropped critically. So when they walked in the room, they gasped in shock at Nan’s state.

But it wasn’t surprising that they were so shocked because Nan did really changed a lot. She became terribly thin that bones were almost visible under the greyish skin. Her hair was cut short so that it would be easier to look after and it was no longer silky like before. Her round eyes that used to be bright turned dull and emotionless. It seemed like she had completely changed into another person.

“Nan!!”

The ill girl glanced surprisingly, startled by her friend’s moan, but said nothing. They hurried to the side of Nan’s bed, kneeling down and squeezed their friend’s thin hand worriedly. Tears streamed down their faces, making Nan felt a little guilty that she made them so worried.

“I’m okay…” She croaked weakly.

“No, you’re not!!” Mook almost shouted back in disbelief. “Why did you get this much worse? You…you were so strong before!”

Nan went quiet again because she didn’t know what to say. Why did she got worse? Just like the doctor said before, her mental health was very important. And the answer to Mook’s question was right in front of her.

After a short while, Ploy was the first one to spoke up.

“Where’s the picture?”

“Huh?” Nan blinked, looking confused.

“Jaejoong Oppa’s picture that you always had.” Her friend frowned   when she reached under the pillow and found nothing. Although unspoken, she found the answer to Nan’s worsened condition.

Ploy marched across the room and found Nan’s suitcase in one corner. From there, she pulled put a single picture that was hidden under all her clothes at the bottom of the suitcase.

At the sight of it, Nan went quiet and stiff. Because she was so disappointed and sad that she wasn’t able to go to the concert, she shuffled off everything that brought memories of that day away. The hospital room went quiet and dull. No more soft melody that bought smile to her face…no more laughter when she watched shows that TVXQ attended. However, she never realized that instead of making her happier, the loneliness tortured her slowly, making her conditions worse and worse. Now that everything was clear again, tears ran down her cheeks in regret of everything she had done in the past few weeks. Why was she foolish enough to blame somebody and something that always got her through the hardest times?

“Just because you missed one event, please don’t give up.”Ploy spoke up again in a pleading voice. She reached Nan’s bed and kneeled down, putting the picture in her friends shaking hand. “They said they will hold another solo concert soon. You have to be strong and get well before then!”

“I want to see Nan’s that’s so positive and full of hope like before, okay?” Mook added firmly. “Because you’ve tried your hardest all along, that’s why you’re still here with us. I…I don’t want to lose you. You are my best friend!”

“You’re my best friend too, Mook…and Ploy” Nan grinned a little and replied. “Don’t worry too much. I’m still keeping my promise about giving you a treat when I get out of the hospital.”

Everyone laughed at those words.

“Do you remember one thing that jaejoong Oppa said, Nan?” Ploy continued with a brighter smile. “He said ‘everyone can fall down but they must get up on their own. Learn from the obstacles you faced and use them to push yourself forward in the future.’ Even the Chinese girl who tried to killed herself many times when she heard TVXQ’s music and those words, she stopped trying to kill herself. She survived the despair she faced even she had no one beside her. You have us, your family and so much more. Please don’t give up!”

Nan nodded slowly. Her lips trembled when she remembered that story she found on the internet many months ago. She was astonished by the heartwarming event and determined not to give up to her cruel fate like that Chinese girl did. How could she have forgotten this?

“So keep up the faith you always had in TVXQ’s music, okay?” The two friends patted Nan’s shoulder encouragingly. “From now on we promise we’ll come more often. We won’t let you lonely again.”

For the first time in many weeks, the frail girl had hope again. She was so lost and the sorrow blinded her, preventing her to see what she always had. Warmth from friend and family…strength from music and what she always believed in…love that enveloped her gently like an invisible blanket.

“Thank you…thank you so much.” Nan whispered with a wide smile, a smile that made everyone relieved.

Watching from the side of the room, her mother’s expression was also filled with joy. Although her questions about why music and who sang it left such a big impact on her daughter was never answered till the very end, she felt like she knew the reason deep inside her heart.

That smile…that laughter that was full of pure love for TVXQ’s music…could never be replaced with anything else… 

TBC