I’m running.

I’m chasing.

Meixue can run really fast. Now this is something I don’t know of. Have she ever run this fast?

Why is she running? Did I say something wrong? Is she running away from me or is she running because she’s late for her gathering?

Whatever it is, I’m still chasing after her. I am not going to lose her. I don’t want to lose her.

But why did I bring Xiaxue along? If I don’t want to lose Meixue, why did I bring Xiaxue along to see her?

Why is Xiaxue even with me?

I finally see her, so I stop running. I bend down and support myself with my hands on my knees. I pant heavily as I clutch my heart tight. I remember my doctor telling me not to overwork my heart. My heart is beating really fast. It’s thumping loudly; that’s all I can hear right now.

Yet the sound of my beating heart isn’t the only sound that made it to my ears; claiming my ears as its own.

“I-I’m f-fine,” Meixue stammers and the stranger gives her a hand by pulling her up. She brushes the dust off her pants but her eyes won’t leave his.

I feel my heart aching at this sight. I hold onto it tighter. I’m not sure whether it’s going through agony due to the fact that I have a heart problem or just because Meixue is looking at the stranger like how she used to look at me.

“I’m Yixing,” I hear him say. His smile is beautiful. Just like Meixue’s, his smile is beautiful.

Don’t tell him your name, Meixue. Please.

“Meixue.”

I see her smiling. My heart never aches when she smiles but why is it throbbing in pain now.

I continue to watch them. Their hands never left each other’s ever since he helped her up and even after the introduction, no handshake is done. They’re still holding hands.

Why is she holding his hand? Is he forcing her? Is he the one not letting go?

She never lets anyone touch her other than me. Is this the new Meixue? Has she changed that much since I left to Hong Kong?

Have I missed that much? Am I regretting now for not being there to witness her grow up and change?

But isn’t this what I want in the first place? Aren’t I here to make Meixue forget about me?

I look up once again and have my eyes on them.

The smile on her face shows how much she loves the warmth his touch is giving her. I know. I know because that smile used to be for me and only for me.

The smile on his face shows how much he is lucky to be holding her hand. I know. I know because that smile used to be on me when I held her in my arms, knowing that I was the only one who can make her felt that way.

I smile. I smile because I’m happy for them.

I smile because I’m happy for me. As I have managed to do what I’m here to do.

Is he not letting go? I remember questioning myself. But here I am now, standing just across the street from them, and my vision starts to blur.

“Don’t ever let go of her.”

>> 

We met at the orphanage and that year would be the best year of my childhood.

She arrived 4 years after I arrived at that horrible place. I used to think that place was hell because I had always see myself as a dead person after my parents’ death.

There wasn’t any reason for me to continue living on earth as a human with a soul because my parents were my everything. I lived like a walking zombie for the first two years but I soon joined the other kids because I realized they were just like me; parentless. Regardless how they got there, at the end of the day, we were all just the same. We just wanted our parents back.

When I reached the age of 8, life at the orphanage was just like the other days for the past 4 years but it wasn’t for long. I started hearing a story, a horror story or a rumor to be exact. For the older kids, it was just a normal story about a new girl but for the younger ones, it was considered a ghost story.

To me, it was a joke. I found it funny and I found the girl to be interesting.

She was way too thin and way too tiny. She reminded me of me 2 years back. She reminded me of another lifeless soul praying to be back by her parents’ side.

She reminded me of an angel.

I once asked Nurse Song about her, because I was curious about that new girl. I tried asking my friends or really, just anyone around, but no one seemed to know much about her. They just told me to stay away from her and that she was a weird kid. She wasn’t normal kid, they said.

I agreed to that, inwardly of course. To me, she wasn’t just like any other normal kid in the orphanage. She was more than that, because surely, no other children in the orphanage ever got me curious like that.

Nurse Song told me that her parents sent her here because they didn’t want her anymore. They wanted a son, a boy, something she will never become. I couldn’t understand that and Nurse Song asked me not to think too much about it. So, of course, I didn’t ask more.

But I don’t see why anyone would give her up. I wouldn’t. If they don’t want her, I want her. If no one ever adopts her, I will. Just like how Nurse Song took care of me, I wanted to take care of her, even when I didn’t know how to in the first place.

Her first words to me were her name. I had never heard such beautiful voice coming out from a girl before. It almost reminded me of my mother’s voice but no one can ever replace my mother’s name yet Meixue’s was something that couldn’t be easily replaced as well by anyone.

And as funny as it may sound, the orphanage soon became a heaven for me because the girl who I thought was an angel had been by my side every day after we exchanged names.

I started hanging out with her more and my friends soon labeled me as one of her species as well. Whatever that was.

I didn’t mind. I didn’t mind because I was being put in the same category as her. Who wouldn’t want to be put together with Meixue?

“You’re my only friend, Luhan gege.”

I was happy to hear that. I couldn’t get myself to reply her and she fell asleep on my lap before I got to tell her what I’d wanted to say to her.

“You’re my only angel, Meixue-ah.”

>> 

It was her 6th birthday. It was also midnight so I had to snuck out of my room to get to hers. I didn’t get why we were separated into different bedrooms this year. We had been sharing the same room, and even the same bed for the past year and they were fine with it but why not now?

I held her birthday present close to my chest, tightly in my arm, as I tiptoed all the way down the hall and quietly slipped into her room. Her room was empty; she was arranged to her own room because the other girls were afraid of her. They would cry until they were assigned a different room. I thought they were stupid and ridiculous because I would cry until I was assigned to the same room as her.

But I wasn’t allowed, of course. Because I am not a girl.

“Why are you here, Luhan gege?”

I put one finger to my lips as I walked up to her bed. I slowly sat down with squinted eyes, careful enough to not make any sound and smiled when I placed the present in her hands. She stared down at it and looked up at me confusedly. “Happy Birthday, Meixue-ah!” I whispered excitedly and clapped my hands but no sound was made, just because.

She smiled. “Thank you, Luhan gege.” Then, she continued to stare at her birthday present. I nudged her hands, gesturing her to open it but she shook her head instead. I asked her why and she answered, “I want to keep it like this forever. It’s my first birthday present.”

I felt sorry for her at first but I found myself laughing quietly after that. I patted her head and she looked up at me with a pout. “Silly Meixue. Presents are meant to be opened.”

And so, she did. She always listened to me.

“Luhan gege! Candies!” she cheered loudly but I managed to cover quickly enough. She looked sorry for a moment but when I put my hand down, she smiled once again. She shook the jar of candy in her hands and her eyes seemed to sparkle along with the glass jar. Suddenly, her shoulder slumped and her smile disappeared. “You couldn’t have stolen them and you surely couldn’t have bought them… Where did you get them, Luhan gege?”

“It doesn’t matter. They’re for you.”

She shook her head and forced the jar into my hands. “No, they’re yours. I cannot take them.”

My heart sunk at that. Meixue is clearly a smart girl. She knew the truth without having me to tell her.

“I kept them for you so you can take them,” I explained, ing it back into her hands.

“You’ve earned them, Luhan gege. I can’t take them. I can’t be selfish. And besides, I still have the ones you rewarded me for answering your questions correctly. I’ve earned them. Those, I will keep.”

The glass jar was then shoved back to me and I could only stare down at it, speechless. It was my first present for her. Did she not like it? But she was happy at first.

These sweets, I had saved them up just for her. I always received them in class whenever I answered my teacher’s questions correctly or when I got the highest marks for spellings and tests. Meixue loves candies and she could have gotten those rewards as well but she never. She told me she was stupid and that she did badly in class. I didn’t believe her. She is a smart girl. She always answered the academic questions I gave her after