I walk in the café with a small smile that I’ve managed to put on. The doorbell chimes above my head; smiles and cheerful voices welcome me. I’m nervous, I’m happy and maybe slightly afraid but I get myself to return their warm smiles and greetings.

One of the waitresses leads me to an empty table and I thank her after that. She leaves me a menu after I told her I’m meeting someone and he’ll probably be here soon. My eyes catch hold of her name on the name tag she is wearing; Victoria, it says.

After she leaves, my gaze falls down to the pink table cloth in front of me. I hear my heart beating loud. I hear the sound of me swallowing my saliva. In fact, every voices and sounds around me are loud; everything is amplified at this moment.

Then, the chair across me is pulled out; the legs creating a squeaking sound against the wooden floor. I look up and another warm, yet too familiar, smile greets me. I smile back.

This time, my smile is genuine. My smile is not forced. My heartbeat seems to fasten but I’m not afraid anymore.

“Luhan.”

>> 

I met him when we were just kids; he was 8 and I was 5. Both of us are orphans. His parents passed away just months after he was born and I was given up for adoption. His situation wasn’t a choice, it was life or fate, but mine, mine was a choice.

I never understood why my parents would leave me to survive alone at such a place. When I first laid my eyes on the building, I found it no different than the abandoned mansion next to my house. Well, used-to-be house.

My first year there was dreadful. I hated it. I hated the place. I hated the kids. I hated the workers and the woman who ran the orphanage.

I wouldn’t eat, I remember, and they would force the food down my throat. That didn’t cause me to want to eat more, that just caused me to hate eating more. Thus, meal times were something I hoped to escape or wished that they never existed.

I grew thinner and smaller, of course. The other kids never thought it would be possible for anyone to grow backwards like that. We were taught that children can only grow taller or maybe bigger, more plum, but reducing in height or size were never mentioned. Maybe because it wasn’t normal. And that’s why the others never viewed me as a normal child just like them.

“Do you have a boo boo too?” That was his first sentence to me. We were both with Nurse Song in her office that day. I didn’t dare to turn to look at him and buried my face deeper into my knees. No one ever talked to me. No, I don’t have a boo boo. My stomach was aching. It burns. I would like to answer him but my mouth just won’t open. “Does it hurt that bad?”

I didn’t answer him, only because I was afraid. This was rare. A person concerning about me was rare. Even Nurse Song never once asked me questions in such a calm, sweet tone or manner. I didn’t know what to do or how to react so I just stayed quiet. I just continued to curl up in a ball.

“Luhan-ah, don’t waste your time,” I heard Nurse Song said. “She never talks to anyone.”

“Did she lose her voice, Nurse Song?”

“No. She’s just selfish. She keeps her voice to herself.”

I felt my fists clenching at that sentence of hers. I’m not selfish. I just didn’t see the need to answer anyone when I hated the way they talked to me all the time. They were rude and they pushed me around. I hated all of them.

Tears were building up, though I hated crying, but I just couldn’t help it, tears would just wet my eyes every single day. Just then, I felt a warm hand pressed on my left arm. It was small yet it held such great warmth, and I was sure it didn’t belong to Nurse Song; hers will never be this warm.

“You’ll be alright. Listen to Nurse Song, she’ll take care of you and you’ll feel better.”

His voice was soothing and I was confused at first; his voice sounded almost like a girl’s. I was almost convinced to actually listen to Nurse Song. And at that moment, I wanted to smile to him, I didn’t know why but it felt like the right thing to do. So I looked up from my knees, wanting to see how he looked like and maybe, just maybe, he could be my first friend. And he could be the first person I smile to.

To my luck, he wasn’t there anymore. He left and Nurse Song was nowhere to be seen either.

I sighed and I could feel the clump in my throat. I was about to cry again.

“Hey, you,” I heard a soft whisper and I turned my head to the door. There stood a boy, a very beautiful boy, with a beautiful smile. He peeked around the room and I followed the direction of his eyes, then they landed on me and I just stared at him. “What’s your name?”

I gulped and could only continue to stare at him. I wasn’t sure if it was because his smile was really beautiful or because he was the first to smile at me or just because I couldn’t register my name at that point. He whistled and I snapped out of my daze. I blinked. “Meixue.”

And friends we became.

He was my first friend.

>> 

He was 12. I was 9.

That day was his birthday.

That day, he pulled me to the backyard with a pink box.

I let him pulled me; I would let him to pull me anywhere and I would follow him. He was the only one I trust. He still is. I feel safe with him. I like the warmth of his hands.

We then stood under a tree. He held the pink box up to my face. He smiled and I smiled to him. I was confused at first; I didn’t know what the pink box was but he was happy, and he was smiling, so I smiled with him.

That day, we were alone.

He flipped the lid of the pink box open and I looked into it. I saw a cake. A slice of cake. I looked back up at him, head tilted to one side, confused. Yet there he stood, still smiling, looking at me with hopeful eyes.

“I bought it. Do you like it?”

“What?” I stared at him, even more confused.

He held the cake closer to my face. I was forced to stare at it because it was so close to my eyes. “Do you like it?”

I didn’t understand. It wasn’t my birthday, it was his. Why would he buy a cake, which I guessed was for his birthday, and then asked me if I liked it? So I shook my head and he soon frowned with a pout. I waved my hand in a sudden panic. “No, I-I,” I stammered. “I didn’t mean it that way. I love it. It’s beautiful, gege.” The glow in his eyes soon reappeared and he smiled once more, glad to hear what I just said. “But it’s your birthday. It’s your birthday cake. My opinion shouldn’t matter.”

“It should,” he stated and nodded as he looked at the cake. He tucked his free hand into his pants pocket and pulled out a candle. He poked the candle onto the surface of the cake and lit it up after that. He held the cake in between us. “You’re my most favorite person and whatever you like, I will like it too.” I could only smile and the both of us stared at the burning candle. My eyes are teary, and this time again, I wasn’t sure it was because of the candle or because of Luhan. “Make a wish.”

“But it’s your birthday cake, gege.”

He shook his head. The smile never left his face. “I want to share my wishes with you.” I shook my head this time with a small pout and his eyebrows knitted together in deep thought. His smile the found its way to his face again. “I have 3. You make one and I’ll make two. I have more, you see?” I nodded. “So will you make a wish now?”

I nodded again and the both of us closed our eyes, proceeding to make our wish. After I made mine, I opened my eyes but he wasn’t done. Soon, his eyes cracked opened as well and we both blew the candle together. “Want to know my wish?” I asked and he giggled.

“We are supposed to keep the wish to ourselves, silly.”

“Oh.” I remain silent for a brief while. “Luhan gege?”

“Yes, Meixue?” He took the candle out.

“Do you like yourself?” I asked and he raised an eyebrow. I started fidgeting my fingers and looked down. “I mean, you said you will like whatever I like. I like you.” I raised my level of vision back to him. “So this means you will like yourself too, right?” He thought for a while before nodding with a smile. “But our teacher said we should love ourselves, not just like.”

“Ah,” he nodded again, agreeing to my words. “Well then,” he turned back to look at me with a bigger smile. He patted my head. “Maybe you should start loving me from now on!”

“W-what?”

“If you love me, I will love myself too! I will love myself a lot!”

I smiled, relieved to hear that. Miss Li said it is important to love ourselves. “I will. I will love you from now onwards.”

That day, I realized my wish will never come true because I wished for something denser than love.

I wish Luhan gege will like me as much as I like him.

>> 

“Look, Luhan gege! Snow! It’s snowing!” I squealed excitedly as I kneeled by the window. He came and kneeled next to me.

That day, it was the 10th time watching the first snow fall with him. We had known each other for a decade. It was amazing how time flew.

“Isn’t it beautiful, gege?”

“What’s so beautiful about that?”

I gasped and looked away from the white heaven before me, just separated by a thin glass and bricked wall. I stared at him with utter confusion. How could he say that? How could he not love what he was looking at? I love snow. I thought he would feel the same way since he did say that he’ll like whatever I like. “This is the best scenery of all years!” I turned my head back to look outside the window. I smiled at how the snowflakes slowly made their way down to earth. They were the most beautiful things I’d seen. I only wished to be as beautiful as they were. I sighed. “If only it is winter every day.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I happen to see the most beautiful snow every day.”

I threw him an annoyed expression. “Don’t have to make fun of my dream, you know.”

“You are my beautiful snow, Meixue-ah,” he said with a smile as he turned to look at me briefly before turning back to stare at the outside with me.

It wasn’t even warm or hot yet I felt myself melting at his words. Meixue. Maybe I am made of snow.

And maybe, he’s just like the sun.

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