2012

In the glow of the morning sun, Taeyeon smiles. It’s shining, radiating, giving false hope of its warmth elusively covered totally by the blanket of snow spread over the expanse of Seoul. It’s the beginning of wintertime and she’s experiencing the first snowfall for that year. But when one has spent times too many for that particular season, she feels it negligible. It’s cold, but just like the sun, it’s playing mental games with her mind, it’s something she doesn’t mind happening, because right now, all she can feel is warmth.

A gasp escapes her lips, feeling teeth drag across the nape of her neck, her complaisant wrists pinned above her head by strong arms, the smell of lavender from the red locks tickling her nose fills her and she breathes it in. she breathes all of Tiffany in. she feels Tiffany’s thigh hit her hip and she closes her eyes, she feels her wet mouth collapse, swallowed totally by the full, firm surface of Tiffany Hwang’s lips.

She has lost the ability to think. She sighs, presses back, kisses Tiffany back with as much fervor as she hoped she could deliver. Though it’s obvious she hopes not, that the amount of passion she can deliver couldn’t match Tiffany’s. not when she’s not a hundred and percent here, emotionally. It’s a wrath of denial she wraps herself in, and it doesn’t come springing at her, the guilt, the constant nagging feeling that it’s not only Tiffany she thinks about when making love to her, it’s her. It’s that someone else. It doesn’t come to her mind immediately, but it hovers over her, around her, when she’s in the shower, when she gasps and the gargle of water strangles her voice, muffling the name she was to emit while Tiffany’s head is somewhere below, her hands on Taeyeon’s hips.

Taeyeon opens her eyes, blearily and smiles up at the girl in front of her. Tiffany’s lips are swollen, red, bruised, wet. Her tongue snakes out to moisten the area. Taeyeon lifts her hand to touch those lips. The lips of Tiffany Hwang. The girl she finds to be utterly irreplaceable, her best friend, her lover. Taeyeon loves her very much, and she says so every single time. It’s hard though, frustrating even to tell yourself the girl you love loves you back but when she meets the other, the other kind of love springs out, it gives false hope like the sun of this morning and Taeyeon realizes with despair that it’s really  just obvious that the two kinds of love differ in so many ways.

Tiffany drags a finger down, pauses at Taeyeon’s bare chest. The site palpitates madly, it never fails to do so. Taeyeon breathes.

“are you okay?” she inquires softly, her eyes dark, hidden by the row of red bangs that cover her eyes. Taeyeon nods and laughs.

“why wouldn’t I be?”

Tiffany shrugs. “you just seemed a little, distracted”

Guilt. It tears at her. Claws at her with little mercy and Taeyeon brings herself to a closing finish. She shakes her head, her arms wrap around Tiffany’s neck and pulls her in, kisses her. She tries to bring forth all emotions she’s feeling right now, all the feelings she’s built up over the years, even before their debut when Tiffany is just so nice, so kind and so understanding and Taeyeon feels as she could never deserve her,  she could never deserve anyone as beautiful and sweet as her best friend.

They pull apart and Tiffany’s eyes are half lidded, glimmering. She smiles hazily back at Taeyeon. somehow Taeyeon suspects she knows. She knows about Taeyeon’s mental infidelity eventhough Taeyeon tells her many times she’s over her, that Tiffany’s the only one she loves now. Yet Tiffany chooses to stay, she chooses to give herself to Taeyeon every single time, she’s willing, body and mind. And Taeyeon feels worse and worse when she’s subject to such kindness, she feels nasty, burnt and all round  a terrible person.

The alarm clock beeps, they both spring in surprise and laugh, Tiffany’s head falling on Taeyeon’s shoulder. Her hand, pink manicured nails slaps the clock to silence and she falls back on Taeyeon’s face, her lips firmly against Taeyeon’s mouth.

“we didn’t get much sleep” Taeyeon mumbles, feeling a little guilty at her instructions of her members to be well rested before recording time. Tiffany laughs, her hand tangles itself in Taeyeon’s soft brown locks, Taeyeon sighs at the reverberation of laughter against her bruised lips, sinks into Tiffany, wishes that she could love Tiffany back as much as Tiffany loved her.

The phone beeps and Tiffany slides off Taeyeon with a grunt, she retrieves it from their bedside table and checks the message.

“Jessica’s going to be here soon. We’re going together to the studio”

Taeyeon feels herself tense. She hopes Tiffany didn’t though.

Tiffany smiles, and in the dim light of the room, in the expensively furnished dormitory in the heart of Seoul that only the two shared, Taeyeon could see, she was trying.

Tiffany places her phone back and gets up. She heads to the shower and Taeyeon watches her expectantly from behind.

“no need to feel guilty Taeyeon,” she notes in a cheerful voice Taeyeon finds so scary. “It’s okay to have these feelings. It’s not like I’m your girlfriend after all”

Taeyeon nods, numbly. The guilt builds heavy in her chest, refuses to budge. She can say it, so many times, so many endless encounters with Tiffany and after each encounter would produce the same, repeated action of Tiffany Hwang, her best friend, the kindest, sweetest girl she probably thinks she isn’t even worthy of receiving pressing her against any surface, anything really, a mattress, floor, door, provide firm contact for Taeyeon, fragile, stupid and vulnerable to hold on, slide off every item of clothing with sensual ease as her eyes make Taeyeon’s spine shiver while hot and wet clamps down on any bare skin available just so Taeyeon could quake, tremble and hopefully block the thoughts out, block the pain out.

it has been a practiced routine for awhile and every single time Taeyeon sees her do this, sees Tiffany’s eyes, loving yet unexpectant, it breaks her heart. It tears her open so much to be so ravaged by guilt she could cry.

But as many times as she’s told herself to do the right thing, whatever the right thing was, she can’t help herself, Taeyeon would always find, seek solace in her best friend, anytime when Jessica’s out with some pretty model, or with some idol guy, and Tiffany’s always there. She’s always there.

The shower could be heard from the bathroom. Taeyeon crosses the room in quick pads, nudges the door. It swings open. She inhales in heated rush, a mixture of steam and scent jamming her nostrils.

“Tae?”

She feels that addictive, beautiful crackle of electricity flood her hands, intensity rising to its peak at her fingertips.  She feels that a lot around Tiffany, which puts her at an even more discerning position of devastation and frustration at her own stupid heart for feeling whatever she’s feeling. Can’t she ever let go of Jessica Jung?

She slides open the shower screen, takes in an eyeful of the beautiful sight in front of her. Hair soaked damp, skin milky white Taeyeon fights hard to swallow, to look away. She looks on, stares more like, shamelessly.

Tiffany turns. Smiles. Her arms open and Taeyeon steps closer, closer. She feels herself envelope in that beautiful intoxicating warmth. Taeyeon closes her eyes, smiles, feels the water rain on her head, shoulders while Tiffany’s hands rub soap over her upper body, tickle the back of her ears.

Welcome. She was always welcome.

******

The studio would have been a short drive, if it wasn’t for rush hour in Seoul, where Taeyeon had found no discernible reason in admonishing their flustered manager of the time schedules.

It was taxing, with the hard to master choreography, the studio album that kept getting delayed, Taeyeon just feels she could explode from the stress. She notices Tiffany attempting to take her hand, she doesn’t know why but she feels self conscious, all of a sudden. She notices Jessica on her phone at Tiffany’s other side, probably texting someone. They make eye contact and Taeyeon sees Jessica’s tired face glance back at her before returning to the glow of the screen, illuminating her already pale face a gauntly white hue. But beautiful. still beautiful. Taeyeon scolds herself for thinking always but it’s inevitable, undeniable. Jessica Jung is beautiful, like it or not.

“how’s Krystal?” Tiffany turns. Her hand rests expectantly on Taeyeon’s wrists. Taeyeon fidgets uncomfortably, looks out of the window. Her ears prick on Tiffany and Jessica’s conversation.

“alright. Preparing for her comeback. We’ve all been super tired from our tour” Jessica’s voice is soft, yet sharp. Peculiar, really how someone with such a sweet voice that could bypass borderline girlish could have a sharp tinge of sarcasm edged into it. it was almost dangerous, like a pretty flower dripping with poisoned nectar.

Because that’s what she is, Taeyeon thinks bitterly. Her other hand, finding no activity because the other hand is uncomfortably stiff against Tiffany’s fingers, touch her upper lip. Her eyes dart sideways to the two girls.

The van stops and Taeyeon could almost cry out in delight. The awkwardness was just too much. She steps out, Tiffany clings to her arm and Taeyeon, though it was mean of her to feel this way, delighted in the fact that Jessica walked behind alone. it was a sort of angry retaliation. Childish, but she can’t help but feel that way.

Taeyeon dares herself to peek around at Jessica, to see her immerse in her phone again, in rapid text messaging. She feels something inside her heart break.

Tiffany presses her lips against Taeyeon’s ear, breathes. “my prince, when are you coming to save me?”

Despite the situation, Taeyeon grins.

Jessica brushes past them and Taeyeon looks at her for a moment before turning to their lyric sheets.  By her standards, a long standing joke amongst her members, Taeyeon’s natural obsession with perfection with their songs is expected, and so the day wears on, the recordings of her part replaying with a certain annoying loop at the back of her head, a side effect she’s prone to when that part is continuously played to her, again, and again.

Her part is done with and Tiffany enters the booth, Taeyeon watches for awhile before heading to the tables for some water.

“hey”

Taeyeon feels her stomach tighten. She turns. Jessica’s there, smiling with a nervous sort of anticipation.

“hi” Taeyeon swallows. She unscrews the bottle and takes a sip. Jessica’s mouth forms a thin line. She nods towards the recording booth.

“done with your part?”

Taeyeon nods. Jessica promptly repeats her action, her fingers clench over her phone. She looks down. Taeyeon feels herself burn with the awkwardness of the situation.

Jessica opens , her eyes are sad. Taeyeon looks at her, silently.

“Tae, I-“

Taeyeon waits, with a patience that surprises herself. That perhaps maybe Jessica could bring herself to talk about it now, after so long. Because honestly, Taeyeon has wondered about this constantly, it invades her waking mind at regular intervals, her mind summing up the possible reasons why they had become this way, why Taeyeon had decided to act this way towards Jessica.

Jessica’s face was a look of exasperation, guilt. Taeyeon lifts the bottle to her lips, nods in the opposite direction.

“you should go, your turn to record should be anytime now”  Taeyeon waved a hand.

Jessica’s face falls. She closes , looks on at Taeyeon and Taeyeon thinks maybe it’s better if she didn’t know why Jessica chose to do this to her, to inflict this sort of pain to her. And maybe Tiffany’s right, that Taeyeon is a little selfish, but given all that has happened, doesn’t she deserve to be?

Taeyeon exhales. is dry. She gulps down some more water. It does no help to aid her supposed thirst.

It had been a long day, just like any other.

A/N: gosh sorry for the delay. here's another update, and yes cause u guys are probably wondering what happened, i'll disclose what happened to taengsic in the past that caused tae to be like this.

FroggieDez49

Gong Xi Fa Cai!!