2004-2006

Taeyeon’s first impression of Jessica Jung was that she was not one to cross. y, beautiful and possessing dance moves that left her palms sweaty and her stomach tingle in a way she realizes she feels many times when in close proximity to a pretty girl, correction she notes with some sheepishness, when she is in close proximity to a girl she’s attracted to.

It’s intimidating more like, since Jessica Jung, alongside Im Yoona and Stella Kim, coupled with a number of names Taeyeon chooses not to remember is one of the more famous trainees in SM, and Taeyeon, being 15 and a newbie to the music industry, fresh from the countryside of Jeonju and feeling absolutely fat and short can’t compare. It’s admiration she thinks, and though Jessica’s age is of a few months to contest hers, meaning she’s the unnie Jessica has to look up to, Taeyeon can’t feel that way. Jessica has been in the entertainment industry very much longer than she has, she’s more experienced, she’s much more popular, and she can get guys to turn their heads in her direction regardless of her position or whatever the heck she’s wearing, which is most of the time a tank top and tights and Taeyeon really can’t compare. It’s natural, the girlish competitive edge she possesses and hates herself for it, but she’s envious, she finds and soughts out flaws in all the girls that proves to be of talking point amongst the trainees. She’s a bit of a narcisscist she admits, and she feels ashamed once in a while for thinking this way, but whenever she’s in the training room and Jessica’s accompanied, always accompanied by a good looking male, she thinks to herself, that at least she has a better voice. It’s little to go on by, considering how the industry plays a larger emphasis on physical appearance that pure talent alone, but she has time. She’s only fifteen after all, she’s still growing, and she’s stopped on those starchy cakes her mom bakes for her all the time.

She hardly gets to see Jessica, since they aren’t in the same training sessions all the time but Stephanie’s with her, and Stephanie’s sweet, nervous and even more of a stranger than Taeyeon is, mostly because of the language barrier. Stephanie clings to Taeyeon during the first few days of her trainee sessions but Stephanie’s outspoken, unlike Taeyeon. she’s friendly, charming and has this brilliant smile Taeyeon envies. There’s so many things to look at in a pretty girl, and Taeyeon can’t help but look. She tells herself it’s because girls are meant to be looked at, it’s natural to check out other girls, that the way of looking at another girl is for comparison basis only, and that competition is a natural edge girls have. Yet the fierce hunger and affection that builds up within her only tells her otherwise. Taeyeon feels ashamed, she’s confused and finds herself walking by the studios Jessica practices in with the excuse of using the vending machines, soft drinks in which she has ruled out a long time ago in her frustrating quest to lose weight. It’s all she can think about, her voice, losing weight, Jessica’s tight shirt, losing more weight, reaching an octave higher than yesterday, losing even more weight and the way Jessica would wipe her neck with the towel after an intense dance practice.

They have made eye contact before, when Jessica leaves the studio, towel around her neck. Taeyeon is glancing at her direction with such twitching anxiety, her eyeballs flicking there and away, absolutely paranoid she would get caught. Then it would be a big shame. Jessica turns to her direction and catches Taeyeon’s gaze. She doesn’t smile though and Taeyeon feels scared, she feels six inches shorter than she already is. It doesn’t help, not when the typical good looking male enters the studio and puts his arm around her waist, his mouth on her cheek and they walk out together. Taeyeon sighs to herself, slumps against the vending machine where she gets her iced water from. It’s a bit of a big jump she thinks, a large odd fantasy she will never achieve. She tells herself it’s rather impossible for a girl like her to get a girl like Jessica Jung, Californian, skinny arms, big eyes. It’s confusing she finds, to be so very physically attracted to this girl she’s never met officially and to be so very jealous of her at the same time.

It’s a last minute replacement she’s told, with much shock and excitement that she’s to be placed in this girl group two years into her training. But then she finds out it’s because one of the other girls she is to replace has been reposted, which means she is to have a solo career and Taeyeon, who thinks too highly of her skill set sometimes is a little frustrated, firstly to have a girl who isn’t even of Korean descent to pursue a solo debut career and vocal skillwise isn’t even a rival to Taeyeon who has to stick in this ridiculously large girl group she’s forced to work with and call family. They aren’t family, she thinks with a slight bitter tendency. They’re just acquaintances, workpeople. Nevertheless, Stephanie is unfazed, actually genuinely excited that she’s going to debut after all. They’ve spent nights talking about it on Stephanie’s bed, sometimes Taeyeon’s bed, more of Stephanie talking really and Taeyeon just listening. Stephanie’s worried, she’s confused if she’s made the right choice and the doubt of whether she might debut wears on her, she would have to go back to the states and live life like a normal student, Taeyeon doesn’t find it such a bad thing to do after all. It’s just in the moment, when she’s really stressed and the pressure weighs down on her shoulders, going to school and pursuing a degree later in life did seem tempting.

You can’t though, she thinks sadly to herself as Stephanie falls asleep on her bed, her head resting on Taeyeon’s shoulder, her tanned skin glowing in the streetlamps outside and her hair is just so black and shiny. Taeyeon loves to sing, and she’s always wanted to sing, and she realizes that she can’t do anything else but sing because singing is the only thing she can do really. It’s pathetic she thinks bitterly to herself but at least there is something she’s good at.

She enters the studio to meet the other girls she is to work with, currently having no official name but dubbed the girl version of Super Junior. Large shoes to fill she thinks as she stands awkwardly with her bag while Stephanie waves enthusiastically at some of the girls she’s obviously made friends with before. Taeyeon thinks Stephanie’s probably made friends with everyone in SM entertainment, that including the cleaners. her heart constricts in her chest and she feels the bag under her arms weigh a ton, she’s suddenly painfully aware of the boyish way she’s holding her backpack and that Jessica Jung would probably suspect something of her, that everyone suspects something of her, that she’s not normal, she’s not your typical girl-next-door who’s dream is to get married and have five children. She’s the girl that looks at your bottom half and compliments your shoes when she’s really looking at your thighs and imagining how smooth and white they could be against the palm of her hand.

In the same group as Jessica Jung, Im Yoona, Kim Hyoyeon. She gasps to herself. Girls with high expectations, and she’s no different. She consoles herself, and she tells herself she’s equally and probably even better than some of them. She has won singing competitions after all and she’s heavily complimented on her vocals.

She shifts her trainers awkwardly and sits herself next to Stephanie, her heart beating twice as fast. Jessica Jung is just a few feet away, and she’s talking to Yoona, her fingers are brushing Yoona’s locks away and Taeyeon can’t help but throw glances in that direction, how beautifully intimate they looked yet Taeyeon tries to convince herself it’s merely sister love, that Jessica’s sister who started training earlier than she did bore a striking resemblance to Yoona and it’s what Jessica’s transferring.

But yet she can’t help but hope, she can’t help but draw out amazing fantasies that it’s her sitting where Yoona sits now, that it’s her locks and strands of hair lovingly pushed out of her eyes by Jessica’s pale long fingers.

The industry’s cruel, it’s insensitive and money minded. It’s grueling, tiring and there’s little room for mistakes. In school, a mistake meant another chance, another opportunity to learn and not repeat. But where she was, it could bear the heavy weight of getting cut again. The girl group had gone through many cutting rounds, only the expected few remaining from beginning till the end, Jessica Jung and Im Yoona being those expected few. There were tearful goodbyes, stories she hears from the current maknae Seo Joo Hyun who has taught Taeyeon how to play chopsticks on the piano and who seems to be growing taller every hour, and Taeyeon realizes the idol life isn’t as glamorous as it’s painted out to be. It’s harsh and she’s constantly reminded by the managers, the producers when she’s showing signs of tire and discomfort. It’s not easy to get in, but it’s very easy to get out. thousands of girls are waiting, lining to be where you are today, she’s told and she knows. She’s good, pretty and has a nice voice but there are plenty of other girls who are good, pretty and have a nice voice. She’s easily replaced she’s constantly told. The girls are constantly told. It’s not a very nice thing to hear, but it keeps them on their toes.

She heads to the table where they break for lunch.Stephanie’s  left side is empty and she sits there, she pokes forlornly at the apple and wheatbread she’s to consume before subjecting herself to another ten hour dance practice to a song they don’t even get to choose for their album. Stephanie’s talking animatedly in English to Jessica and the sound of their accents are wildly enticing, heavily attractive and it reminds Taeyeon of the American movies she’s watched before. She sits there and eats her apple, enjoying the crunch of the hard flesh against her teeth, knowing it will be one of the few times she would get to eat apples like that ever again, after her meeting with the producer and his instructions for her teeth to get fixed, crowned, whitened. She never thought her teeth were that bad, okay maybe her bottom row did require braces but the industry’s sharp, they’re unforgiving and there’s no room for imperfection.

It’s sad, she thinks to herself most of the time while she gets up and heads to the studio once again, her stomach not feeling so satisfied yet her brain feels happy at the amount of calories she’s cut down, that being a female idol, looks did play a more important role in the industry than talent alone. It’s something people hotly deny but the answer’s out there, it’s hanging in the air, in front of people’s noses but that’s society she thinks, while she wipes the beads of sweat from her forehead, feeling the burn of her thighs while Kwon Yuri looks like she’s just warmed up, society is judgemental and tactless. She’s an idol, and it’s something she has to deal with regardless.

Yoona helps her with her dance moves one evening, where Taeyeon is frustrated, she’s exhausted and she feels like fainting. It’s hard to be able to belt the notes, move her arms in a synchronized manner, all while they expect her not to eat anything because in society she’s considered of normal body weight but in the glamorous music industry, in the eyes of what an idol is expected to be, she’s still too fat. She’s exasperated as she catches a glimpse of herself, dressed in baggy sweatpants, her hair over her face, plastered with sweat and Yoona is standing beside her, and Yoona is tall, skinny and eats like a horse, and Taeyeon envies her for it, she feels she probably could get fat just from the air she breathes.

Still Yoona is sweet and supportive, she pats Taeyeon’s thighs and remarks,”you’ve lost a lot of weight unnie” all while that mischevious smile she’s never able to remove coupled with those adorable doe eyes Taeyeon envies her for too. She then pinches Taeyeon’s cheeks and laughs, and Taeyeon doesn’t really feel like the unnie in the group anyway though she’s the oldest and now dubbed leader of the group. It’s a heavy responsibility to bear, a lot more pressure weighed on her, since she’s also the lead singer for the group. It means more practices, there’s even less than no room for mistakes but at least she gets most of the good parts of the song.

Jessica Jung converses with her finally and Taeyeon feels some of the confidence she’s built up ebb away. She tells herself there’s no reason why she should feel this way, that she’s their leader now, whatever that is, and that she’s older but still it does not stop the butterflies that slap and flutter when Jessica laughs, her ponytail swaying behind her in the most endearing way possible. It does not stop her palms from sweating when Jessica leans forward and touches Taeyeon’s arm, her body leaning to Taeyeon’s direction when she laughs at Taeyeon’s feeble attempt to joke. She begins to feel sort of suave though, that Jessica is impressed with Taeyeon’s lame attempt of Korean humour and that she’s impressed with Taeyeon’s ability to belt the last verse of Into The New World, that she’s adorably persistent in asking Taeyeon how to pronounce certain Korean words when she could have just asked Yoona or someone else for that matter. Taeyeon feels the confidence build in her, and her answers become more solid and then Jessica places her hand on her cheek and smiles, calls her cute and Taeyeon can’t seem to move her tongue anymore.

Taeyeon admits to herself she is one who’s rather inept to the thoughts of others, especially girls. It’s funny to hear herself say so, but it’s hardly a laughing matter. It’s enough to be of a laughing matter amongst your guy friends, yet it holds a sort of sinister angle in the truth of her words. She’s says so because she’s unaware, hardly ever observant to people’s thoughts on her, that time. She has changed so much since her teen years and it’s the old Taeyeon that’s in the studio, grinning and blushing while Jessica pokes and flirts and flips her ponytail back in the most attractive manner possible, all the time at a certain corner of the room Stephanie watches, throws intuitive glances in the pair’s direction, her hands twist together on her lap.

Stephanie’s oddly quiet that night, she folds her clothes silently and walks off into the shower. It’s a little unusual, since the seemingly now pleasant jarr of Stephanie’s voice has become sort of a dependency to Taeyeon, kind like how one would feel oddly unusual to the roar of air conditioning after years of sleeping to the sound of it. Taeyeon has other things on her mind though, she lies on the bed and she mentally recollects her day, the rumble of her stomach unperturbed and the ache in her joints hardly noticed. A smile cracks at the corner of her lips as she ponders the possibilities. It’s one in a million, she thinks, regarding her chances with Jessica Jung but it’s nice to think in that way all the same.

Stephanie, fresh from the shower, towel around, revealing soft, wet skin that was getting considerably paler every day in Korea stomps to Taeyeon and pulls her off the bed. Taeyeon stumbles, regains her footing, stares back at Stephanie with wide eyes.

“don’t sleep on the bed when you’re all sweaty. It’s gross”

It’s loud and spoken with such hastiness Taeyeon just realizes how bad Stephanie’s Korean is, she suppresses a laugh, out of comedic amusement at Stephanie’s Korean and her relief that Stephanie and her are at least talking. Taeyeon is sensitive, and she cares for Stephanie a lot. She loves her and sees her as the sister and best friend she always wanted. And when they fight, Taeyeon hates it. she hates it when they don’t talk.

Stephanie’s dressed in her sleeping garments when Taeyeon leaves the shower, drying her hair. She pats the bed next to her and Taeyeon willingly sits. The towel leaves Taeyeon’s hands and Stephanie lifts hers to press the towel against wet hair. Taeyeon leans into her touch.

“you should ask her out you know, if you really like her” Stephanie mumbles halfway through the silence. Taeyeon’s eyes jolt open and she involuntarily gasps. A string of garbled protests leave . Stephanie laughs, her eyes curve upwards in a very pretty fashion. Stephanie is very pretty Taeyeon admits. It’s not the kind of beauty that’s immediately thrown into your face, but it’s a gradual kind of pretty, as in the more you look at Stephanie, the prettier she becomes to you. And then there’s the way she laughs, the way she claps her hands together, open revealing such perfect sets of teeth while her hair bounces all over her face. Everything about Stephanie is pretty Taeyeon realizes. Within the sharp flash of admiration and affection she feels a slight pang of jealousy.

“I’m not..i don’t” she stumbles over her words and she’s horrified to come to her senses that she’s probably made the denial much more obvious. Stephanie shakes her head. She’s smiling, she understands.

“it’s okay Taeyeon I know.” She remarks and Taeyeon feels her eyes bulge. Stephanie knows? About what? About what Taeyeon doesn’t even know or what Taeyeon thinks she knows but wishes she didn’t. it’s a little infuriating, to be told in the face but Taeyeon feels a slight sense of relief wash over her, it’s easier to hear it from someone she notes. It makes the acceptance of who she is more concrete, though whether she would like to accept it herself depends on her. She’s ashamed of who she is, but she can’t help it. she wishes it could’ve been different, that she could’ve just liked one of those many boys who aren’t bad looking and are nice and have confessed to her but she can’t. she’s a frown upon society and being the future idol for children and teenagers to look up to weighs down on her.

“I don’t know if she’s..” Taeyeon swallows. She’s indirectly admitting to Stephanie and to herself. “if she’s..into girls” Stephanie purses her lips, her hands continue to dry Taeyeon’s hair.

“I don’t think she would mind. She does seem pretty open to me” Stephanie remarks and pulls it off with a comforting smile. That smile. If only Taeyeon had that smile. Taeyeon envies her for it, if she had Stephanie’s smile perhaps getting people she wanted wouldn’t be so difficult.

“besides,” Stephanie’s voice drops, Taeyeon turns to her direction. Stephanie’s eyes meet hers. They’re very dark, framed with long eyelashes. Taeyeon follows her best friend’s gaze, they fall to her lips, her nose and Taeyeon has this strange feeling she’s being checked out.

“you’re really pretty, I don’t think she could say no” Stephanie beams and Taeyeon feels heat rush to her cheeks. It’s one thing to hear compliments such as these from your mother’s friends, or grandmothers and relatives, it’s wavered and default but hearing it from someone as special as Stephanie rushes through Taeyeon. she hasn’t heard compliments like these in a long time. Not since she started training, not since she enters Seoul and everyone there training to be an idol is expected to be pretty so much so Taeyeon doesn’t even feel remarkably pretty amongst the other girls. And the producers don’t compliment much on her anyway, unless it’s to do with her singing. All they talk to her about is her flaws, what she can do to fix them and such. It’s a big crush on her self esteem but being around Stephanie helps. It helps a great deal.

Taeyeon leans towards Stephanie, her best friend, her American roommate who has a lot to improve on her Korean and puts her arms around her. Stephanie hugs her back just as tightly, and Taeyeon breathes in, takes in all the warmth and affection she has for her best friend, rendering herself helpless in the kind of love she has for Stephanie-the beautiful kind of love many girls have envisioned and dreamed for, but fail to get. She honestly thinks Stephanie’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to her and theoretically wise, it’s easy to get confused with her feelings for Stephanie but whenever Taeyeon thinks this over, and puts the kind of love she feels for Jessica and the kind of love she feels for Stephanie, she realizes just how much difference the two kinds of love bear.