Jessica isn't really sure when they first met.

Their parents are best of friends who has know each other their whole life. So probably, they were in their diapers, barely able to walk, barely able to utter a word, barely able to do anything at all.

Jessica must probably have been the quite infant just playing with her load of bricks without a care in the world and her best friend would have been the loud wailing baby who wanted the toys others had and him... He probably would have been the one who wanted to share all the toys with all the kids. Seeing how they have grown that's what Jessica concludes.

Though she doesn't remember when they all became friends for life, she thinks it's one of the most fortunate thing that has ever happened to her. Even when her hearts breaks in to a million pieces, that's what she thinks.

#

"Friends forever?" 

"Yes."

"Always."

"No matter what happens."

And a promise is made.

#

Jessica doesn't really remember when her heart started beating a little bit faster around him.

Maybe, it was that time in kindergarten when he pushed the hyperactive Hyukjae who grabbed her pig tails, poking fun at her. Or maybe, it was the time in elementary school when he got on his knees to tie her shoe laces. Just maybe, it was the time during their break before third grade when he put the band aid when she scratched her knees while riding the bicycle.

Jessica remembers how he ruffles her hair after every encounter and smiles at her, as if assuring he is there for her.

Jessica sees from a distance when it's him and her together always and she wishes if it could have been her.

But still, even from a distance, her heart beats a little bit faster. A little bit more every time.

#

"Jessica, go help Tiffany up and take her to the nurse's room."

"I wouldn't have to."

"Why –"

"Cause he's already carrying her there."

And he always was.
 

#

Jessica thinks it's the first time she has been actually, really, very sad.

It's a few days before Christmas, the trio were hanging out in his backyard, goofing and playing around when he suddenly stops smiling and turns all grim.

“I'm moving,” he mumbles a little bit over a whisper.

Jessica hears the cracks in her heart, slowly, painfully twisting and breaking apart. She purses her lips together, to stop the tears that were threatening to make it's way down her cheeks. He grabs them both in a strong hug and holds them in his arms, reassuring that he will return.

A few days later, Jessica finds herself inside the airport exchanging their last hug. He gives a piece of paper to her, making her promise to write for him. Jessica's heart breaks a little bit more when it's only her that gets the paper. Minutes later she finds herself outside the airport waving at a airplane that has taken off.

At the age of ten, Jessica decides that airports are the saddest place on the earth.

#

"Mommy, I don't like airports."

"Oh, Sooyeon-ah, he'll be back."

"When?"

"Before you know it."

And she keeps on waiting.

#

The fifth of every month.

Jessica finds herself jumping and waking every morning on the fifth and moves faster than anything to the house next door, to her place. The letter would come in by mail and she looks with so much enthusiasm as she rips it open to reveal the content of the letter from him.

He often talks how beautiful Korea is, the weirdest of things that he sees, the new discoveries he makes and everything else. Jessica sits beside her, as she writes a reply, a little bit lacking with enthusiasm than his letters. Yet, she writes. For sometime, she writes.

A few months and she is too busy to write back. She has her extra-curricular activities, shopping sprees with new friends and everything else pretty much a girl has got to do.

Instead, Jessica picks up a pen and writes a letter, signing as 'Tiffany' in the end. Jessica helps her best friend keep her promise. The personality, events, stories and everything belongs to Jessica. It's only the name, the signature that belongs to her, that is borrowed.

Like that she writes a hundred and thirty-seven letters to him and he doesn't know it's her.

#

"What are you writing?"

"Nothing."

"Can I see it?"

"I told you, it's nothing."

And it lies as a secret.

#

​Eleven years and five months passes and the hundred and thirty-eighth letter arrives.

Jessica finds herself carrying her neighbors mails in the morning, grabbing the letter for her or her on the way. Mr. and Mrs. Hwang ask her to join them for breakfast and she agrees. In the backyard of the Hwang household, under the shade of the oak tree, with the smell of the pancakes and maple syrup with the spring air wafting across, she opens the letter.

Jessica's eyes grow wide, a smile graces her lips and she jumps up and down clutching the letter in her hand.

Hey you,

I'm coming home. I promise I'll recognize you right away. If I don't I'll treat you to patbingsoo. Didn't you say you loved it the last time you wrote? Hah, well, I'm packing right now. So, see you soon.

It's the shortest he has written but the one that has made her the happiest. He's coming back, she mumbles. He would recognize her, she wishes. She'll see him soon, she smiles.

Later panic hits her, as realization subsides in. Neither he knows nor she knows the truth. Desiring to protect her friendship with them both she spills the truth to her; All about the letters written to him and how she has been pretending to write as her all along. She is surprised, not angry. She suggest to go along with it and offers to pretend it has been her all along. Jessica can only agree, since she really doesn't know what else to do.

Hesitantly, they intertwine their pinkies and presses their thumb together.

#

"Tiffany, are you sure? We can tell him the truth."

"No, we can't. I don't want to ruin our friendship. I don't want him to misunderstand us."

"But-"

"Really, it's for the best."

And the truth is hidden.
 

#

Still, Jessica couldn't help but being a little hopeful.

On the hot summer afternoon, she sees herself standing in the crowd of the bustling airport, with both their family members. She stands behind her. Her sunglasses covers her eyes and she taps her heels impatiently.

Rather than being impatient, Jessica muses about the content of the last letter. His promise to recognize her, rings in her mind and she wonders if he meant her, the one has been writing letters to him or her, whom he thinks has been the one writing the letters.

Jessica's questions are all going to be answered soon, she realizes, when a boy, old enough to be called a man, with his boyish smile appears through the doors of the airport. Jessica hears her heart beating faster than ever, she senses the blood rushing to her head, as he walks towards, his grin widening, his arms opening.

The answer becomes clear, when he brushes past her to embrace her, once again breaking her heart into hundred pieces.

With a bitter smile she thinks, he owes patbingsoo to her.

#

"Jess, good to see you."

"You too."

"It has been long. I wish we wrote to each other sometime."

"Me too."

And she continues to pretend.
 

#

Jessica tries to let go, for the sake of their friendship.

Jessica tries to smile and laugh along with them one of them cracks a joke. Jessica tries not to flinch away when he slings his hands casually over her shoulder. Jessica tries to ignore when she sees his hands playing with the locks of her hair when they just lie there talking. Jessica tries to act nonchalant when she notices that they are holding their hands under the table when they go out to eat.

​Jessica tries and tries.

And continues to do so. Until things get so clearer.

She knows that they are going out together, to dinner, the beach, the parks, on dates. It's no longer friends hanging out she realizes. Jeissica's no longer invited.

Jessica thinks it's all for the best. She doesn't have to see their lovely affection towards one another any longer. She no longer has to try.

Instead she could cry over a sappy movie, stuffing herself with a tub of ice-cream and just stop trying altogether.

#

"We are dating!"

A tentative smile.

"Won't you congratulate us?"

"Congratulations."

And she still has to try.
 

#

Jessica gets a flicker of light, a ray of hope to linger on.

She walks up to the house next door, to their movie nights. She isn't really enthusiastic about it but she prefers going along with things rather than being questioned. She finds herself standing in front of her door, but she stops in her tracks once she hear the voices through the door. She sneaks a peak through the cracks. For some reason, she listens.

“You know, I fell in love with you since the letter. Long before I came here, I've been in love with you.”

Jessica doesn't know if she's hearing things right, she isn't sure if it's his voice. She stays rooted to the ground– her heart thumping so loudly in her ribcage, her hands trembling in her sides and a bash smile gracing her lips. She waits for Tiffany, her best friend, to tell the truth, to give her a chance, a perfect opportunity to make things right. But, it never comes.

“Me too. I've been in love with you since the letters,”

Jessica's world crashes down, crumbling slowly. She feels like she's stabbed by a hundred thorns when he takes out a ring and slides it down her finger. Her lips quiver and the tears follows as she sees them embracing each other as if they are the only people in the world

Slowly, just as she came, she walks away. Quietly, without leaving any traces. 

#

"What do you think?"

"That ring is beautiful."

"Will you be my bridesmaid?"

"Oh.. O- Of course."

And she dies a little more inside.
 

#

There is the ring next month, the wedding bells the next and a trip to the airport the following.

The ring and the wedding bells are all hers but the trip to the airport is hers. Jessica grasps on the chance to move on and go one with her life. With the coming chance of an job opportunity out of the country, she takes on it and decides to leave everything behind.

Jessica thinks it's all for the best as she boards the plane, off to a foreign land with strangers everywhere. Jessica decides not keeping in touch with her friends, them, is all for good. Jessica thinks, all she needs is a few months, to grow and accept them together.

Jessica meets Jaejoong there, who helps her through tough times. He makes her smile, at times even laugh. He hold her hand when she's cold and lends her his shoulder when she feels like crying. But, that's all he is. That's all he'll ever be. Jessica knows. He knows too.

Like that, a year passes. Two more and three.

Jessica continues to lean on him and he still is her pillar. But, she knows, he's destined to leave, one day. So is she.

#

"You won't ever forget him, will you?”

“I'm sorry.”

“You know even still, I love you.”

“But, I'm sorry.”

And one day, he stops.

#

Jessica finds herself back in her humble home, in seven years.

No contact with anyone over those years, she finds herself absorbing one news after other and one reality hits her hard. Jessica breaks down; crying, tumbling, shivering, mourning. Tiffany, her best friend, her very dear friend, had gone, some time ago. Leaving her behind, leaving him behind. Jessica wishes it could have been her, rather than her. Jessica wishes she could have said goodbye, but it's too late.

She thinks she had been too selfish, too absorbed with her feelings to realize that she had lost too much because of the distance. She hears that he had left town, months after her death.

She lives, carrying the pain in her heart, knowing the ache in his heart. She knows what it's to lose love. She knows how hard it's to forget. She knows the pain in his heart, but there's nothing she can do.

Months later, she carries a bouquet of white lilies lying it before her. She whispers her goodbyes, cries her heart out. A hold hands her shoulders comforting her and she knows she has been saved.

#

“Jess, you're back.”

“Yes.”

“She gave this for you. Her farewell gift.”

"Thanks."

And she thinks it's the time for closure.

#

A hundred and thirty-eighth letter decides her fate.

She sits on the pouch of her house, grazing the corners of the wooden box with her fingers. To Jess, it's engraved in the corner of the box. She holds the lock in her hands before flicking it open. She sees the letters, all written to her from him. The ones she had lied about, the ones she wrote in secret. The memories come chasing her and tears tricks down her face as she notice the one at the bottom, addressed to her.

Dear Jessica,

These belongs to you. He belongs to you. You belong with each other. I knew you were in love with him. But so was I. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for taking him away from you. I'm sorry for not being a better friend. Please forgive me.

Please.

She cries harder than before as her tears trick down her face on to the paper fading the ink. She whispers a million times; I forgive you, It's not your fault, I forgive you.

She doesn't realized the paper has slipped off her hand, reaching to hands of the person who deserved the truth. He reaches her hands trembling, as he held on to the paper. She lifts her head to see him reach her. And they see, they meet, each other for the first time. For who they are, for whom she really is.

He embraces her in his arms, recognizing her for the first time and it's their right time.

#

“There's some where we need to go.”

“Where?”

“The shop down at the corner.”

“For what?”

“I think I owe you some patbingsoo.”

Maybe, a little too late, but it's their right time.

#