Title: ‘In my veins’

Author:  AutumnHearts

Reviewed by: JjinYJ

*Date/Time of Request: 08/09/2012 .. 14:49:11
*Date/Time of Completion: 08/10/2012 .. 00:58:46

Individual Scores:

Title (5/5) - I really did like your title. It was poetic and although it may not be the most eye-catching of titles, I felt as though it was something I wouldn’t see very often. It was appropriate and intriguing and I would probably be compelled to give the story a chance. My only slight critique is that the entire title should be capitalised; this simply makes it appear more aesthetically pleasing and professional (In My Veins - instead of - In my veins). I will not deduct any marks for this, since all this would take is a slight modification.

Forward/Description (10/10) - It was hard to fault you in this category since I loved virtually every aspect of the opening. To include a poem as your description was very interesting and original, I thought, and I got the theme of a sort of angst/romance very clearly from this - I’m not sure if you wrote this yourself, but either way I congratulate for finding such a suitable piece of writing. It was a great technique for giving us a sense of what the overall story might offer, whilst not giving the specific details away.

Similarly, I felt that your forward was very strong. Your writing was very solid and I was pleasantly surprised to find very few - and minor - grammatical mistakes here, since English is not your first language. The style was very unique and I can tell that you planned this quite meticulously. The depth of the characters is clear even at this early stage and it was refreshing that you managed to incorporate the right amount of suspense in such a sort extract.

I found your presentation to be very good as well. Your background/poster and overall use of colour reflect the autumn in the story as well as the overall mood which makes them very relevant to the story. I would say that it was not necessary to italicise all of your text, since this usually indicates a thought or emphasises a point, so perhaps you might consider using this feature only when you feel it is absolutely needed. Other than that - congratulations on a job well done!   

Plot (25/25) - If I could award more points for this, I think I would. I don’t quite know how to describe your plot other than thoroughly captivating. I absolutely loved the imagery you used and above all the analogy you made between ‘Vivi’ and the autumn; I thought it was an incredibly romantic and at the same time heart-wrenchingly sad metaphor. I guess the word I’m looking for is ‘beautiful.’

Technically, your story was written superbly. I mentioned imagery as a strong point, but there are others as well. Your style of writing is very poetic and lucid and you managed to tie your entire plot neatly into the end. The symbolism of the autumn and winter to describe a lost love was very innovative and creative and I must say that I was hoping for more when I reached the end - always a sign that your plot is grabbing the reader!

I think above all, you really managed to portray the emotion and mood of the piece perfectly. I really did feel the bitter-sweetness of the moment and I was actually on the verge of tears towards the end. Properly representing emotion is a very hard thing to accurately do as a writer, and you managed it flawlessly.

Characterisation (14/15) - Development of characters was unsurprisingly, a very strong area of your writing. Whether it was how you described the childhood meeting, what Chanyeol’s life had become, the physical description of the characters or the consistent and believable comparison of Vivi to autumn; I truly believed and was enthralled by what I was reading. I cared enough about the characters to nearly cry, so that gives you an indication of how well you portrayed them.

I deducted one mark because I was at times confused by Vivi’s nature. I was left questioning who or what she actually was and I’m not sure if I liked this or not. I thought it was probably a good stylistic choice to leave some unanswered questions - since you say the story is a ‘slice of life’ - but I felt as though this was very fundamental to the plot. Perhaps this is just my interpretation, however.

Flow (5/5) - It was, as with the rest of your story - pretty flawless. I had a very easy time reading and understanding what you’d written. The font and layout were easy on the eyes and the choice to use autumn colours added another, sophisticated, layer of depth to the overall reading experience.

Originality (10/10) - I think it’s very original to have a story that has so many underlying messages, such as the allegory that love is often like autumn. Sites like AFF tend to focus heavily on fluffy romance stories, so it was very refreshing to see a story that was not so happy - but perhaps much more realistic.

I thought your style of writing was incredibly unique, whether that be your poetic and eloquent language or your plot concepts; I wouldn’t see this story everyday and I commend you for that.

Grammar (19/20) - Overall, you’re story did not contain many grammatical mistakes at all. I could probably count the amount of mistakes I noticed on both hands, and that speaks volumes for any fic.

It is not our policy to provide lists of corrections for these mistakes, but since there are so few, I decided to be flexible. Below are the mistakes I recognised, and their corrected forms.

1. ‘Other than drinking away his sorrows.’
Correction: ‘Other than to drink away his sorrows?’ - You were asking a question, so need both a question mark and infinitive form of the verb.

2. ‘His eyes didn’t stung.’
Correction: ‘His eyes didn’t sting.’ - A simple confusion of tenses here.
 

3. ‘He knew where he was headed.’
Correction: He knew where he was heading.’ - Same reason as #2.

4. ‘Savage ration.’
Correction: ‘Savage rationality.’ - You used the incorrect noun here.

5. ‘Creating him additional pain/to prove him how strong she was.’
Corrections: ‘Creating additional pain/to prove how strong she was.’ - It sounds awkward to use a pronoun in these sentences.

Beyond this there was a tendency for you to overcomplicate some sentences through the use of too many commas. I will give an example below of this.

“Nor will it clean itself, and, even if someone would care for it, if, someone would clean the floor, there will always remain a stain on the floor, just like in the man’s heart.”

This sentence is very long and complex and does not need to be. The over-use of commas makes the language seem a little bit awkward and a better version of this might be:

“Nor will it clean itself. And even if someone would care for it, if someone would clean the floor; there will always remain a stain on the floor just like in the main’s heart.”

In my version of these sentences the flow of the sentence has been changed by the use of commas, full-stops and semi-colons. This makes it not only appear slightly neater, but means that the sentence is not clunky and over-saturated with pauses. As a general rule, if you think you’re using too many commas, you probably are.

Other than these mistakes, I would say that your grammar is very strong. Thus I deducted only one mark.

Vocabulary (10/10) - As I keep saying, your style of writing is fantastic and this shows very clearly in your word choices. Your language is riddled with metaphor and analogy, which is very sophisticated for a non-native speaker. It’s hard for me to advise you in any way to improve, other than to say I hope you continue whatever you are doing and hopefully progress as you gain a greater knowledge of the language in-depth.

Total Score - {98/100}

Reviewers Notes

Thank you so much for sending in this request! It was a privilege to review such a fantastic story.

I feel as though there was (clearly) not much for you to improve on, other than perhaps correcting those grammatical mistakes that I pointed out. When I was writing this, it seemed more like I was telling you how much I enjoyed your story, than what you could do to improve! But I stand by my score and I think it was a highly deserved mark.

If you choose to include this review in your story, please make sure to credit the shop!

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A link to this story can be found > HERE <

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